Do Without Doing

New Post at the New Digs!

2011-09-20T13:03:00.001-04:00

I have a new post up over at the new blog.

http://vablondie.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/expectations-again/

Don't forget to update bookmarks and readers!

Taking Action.

2011-09-18T21:28:00.002-04:00

I do not just talk, I do! I know that I am going to lose readers with the move. That is a fact of life. But my blog has always been a personal thing for me, and I will be better able to grow as a blogger with WP.

I have new digs over at wordpress!

`http://vablondie.wordpress.com/

Come on over and take a look around!

Thinking about it...

2011-09-16T15:01:00.000-04:00

I am thinking of making the move to wordpress. I am fed up with the blogger comment system, and third party comment systems are not working for me. I just feel too separated from my readers. I have played with wordpress a little bit, and it seems like it would be a good move. I will be better able to respond to comments, and the blog would be able to grow with me. I just need to play with it enough to get a blog set up the way I want. Hopefully it will happen over the next week or two.

I had my first run with my other moms on Thursday. It was good. I liked how it felt to run with other moms. It felt good. Looking forward to the run next week. The pace was good, and I probably could have run longer, but I did not want to overdo. Now I really ought to sign up for the race.

I have been recording food with WW again. I may even have a IRL person I can get support from. That will hopefully help both of us stick with it and succeed.

My weekend is going to be slow. No babysitters are available, so we are doing date night at home. But our stay-cation is next week, so we will get more time together then.

Hope your weekend is relaxing and fun!

Now I am going to enjoy the last of nap time while it lasts.

Naptime battles. Again.

2011-09-15T13:13:00.000-04:00

I know this child is tired, but he will not go to sleep. I have spent the past hour waiting for him to get tired and go down for a nap. The only way he will remotely be sleepy is in my lap sucking on an empty boob. I did not have the patience to deal with that today. At least not until I had something to eat.

I finally decided just to put him in the crib and let him cry, as that seems to be the only way today. He fell asleep in the car on the way home from playgroup, and he got just enough sleep to make him feel more awake. I hate it when that happens. So I have escaped downstairs where the crying is not nearly as loud. Apparently it is the end of the world that he is in the crib by himself, awake.

I suspect I am going to have to go in there and get him out and let him sit in my lap until he actually falls asleep. Because he is still crying hard enough to bring the house down. Sigh. But I am going to finish my lunch first.

Touchy Feely Tuesday.

2011-09-13T13:34:00.000-04:00

I finally manged to run a 1/2 mile. It was probably one of the slowest 1/2 miles ever, but I did it! I actually ran three 1/2 mile stretches today during my work out. Gives me hope that I can actually do a 5K by Thanksgiving. Especially with training.
Grocery shopping was a mess today. My mother had a hair appointment this morning, but she still wanted to watch Little Guy while I shopped. So the store was crazy by the time I go there. It was senior discount day, so the older set was out in force. I managed it, but I forgot a few things, so I still have to go back and get the things I forgot. At least I got most of it.
I know there was other stuff I wanted to talk about, but that is all I can remember.

Saturday Night Musings.

2011-09-10T19:50:00.000-04:00

We are having a date night at home tonight, and Hubby is off getting provisions. BWW and alcohol. One advantage to date night at home is that everyone can get a little tipsy, and no one needs to worry about driving home. Just sayin'.

I think I may have one of the most active children in my mother's group. My guy was the first to take off running, and he ran off twice as much as any of the other children. One mother of another active boy told me that she thought her child was bad, and then she saw my child. Sigh. I guess that is the cross I have to bear. Maybe the next child will not be as active? We can only hope?

The baby wearing play group was a success! Everyone wants to do it again next month. I am pretty excited. I think it went really well. The mothers who tried carriers really liked them. Hopefully I converted a couple of people.

I am also excited about training for a 5K. There is interest in my mother's group to train for it, and I am going to do it. I was already running, anyway. This will just keep me motivated and on track. Hopefully.

We meant to take Little Guy to the zoo today, but Hubby made a wrong turn. Instead, we took Little Guy on a walk on a trail I learned about recently. (Um, from my mother's group, incidentally. I sense a trend...) It is a really nice trail, and we think that we need to go there with the dogs sometime. Now that we have the minivan, we have room to take the baby and the Great Danes. I think we are both pretty excited about it.

Surprisingly, both Hubby and I enjoy driving the minivan. The sienna is really fun to drive. It feels big, but it does not feel like you are diving a van or a truck. All of us really like it.

I finally figured out how to download library books to my nook. Thank goodness! That will help me not spend as much for books for my nook. I am on my third book from the library. All free, and I did not have to go to the library to check them out. Love it!

Off to put my feet up on the couch and enjoy a night in with the Hubby!

Priorities

2011-09-08T14:29:00.000-04:00

I think this fall I am going to look at priorities and only spend time on those things which are good for me.

I really want to try to make myself a priority. Both physically and spiritually.
I plan to try to continue with my running goals. I will really try to run three times a week. It should be do-able, as I am at the gym twice a week for swim lessons, and I can get there at least once on the weekend. I may also try to swim once a week, too. That feels good. I may also train with other mothers in my mother's group for a 5k run on Thanksgiving. Hopefully that will keep me motivated.

I also want to get back to church. Get religion back. I have sort of missed being involved in church stuff. And my weeks go a little better when I go to church. There is a Sunday school class I am interested in attending. They have nursery during Sunday school, so it could work. It would mean switching the day I do my grocery shopping, though. I may try to do it Tuesday. My mother has volunteered to watch him while I grocery shop, when she is in town. When she is not in town, I can use the carrier and go early-ish in the morning.

I also want to stay involved in my mother's group. Which means dropping some activities for Little Guy. Like story time, which was a fail. He is way too physical at this point. He was into everything except the story. Sigh. So I am not doing it any more, which allows me to do more things with my mother's group. That will be good for me, as it gives me a support system. And better for Little Guy, as we can do more active stuff.

I know there was something else I wanted to write about, but the baby woke up from his nap when the dog barked at nothing. Baby has been crying off and on for the past half hour as I wrote this blog post. He really needs more sleep, but I do not think it is going to happen. Stupid dog, ruining a good nap time. It was awful putting him down this afternoon, and now he will be tired because his nap was too short. Mommy is not happy. Off to get him up...

Touchy Feely Tuesday

2011-09-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

Still really liking the new minivan. Had no idea that the sliding door windows came down. Not only do I have automatic sliding doors, the windows on those sliding doors open. What won't they think of next?
August was hell on my weight and on my running goals. I am back to running a little over 1/4 mile. Does not help that I have a small cold. I think it is a cold. It could have been the zyr.tec. Starting to feel better now that I am taking something different. Hopefully alle.gra will not be so bad.
Had a lovely Labor day. I had the day off and got to be a little lazy, or at least as lazy as a 20 month old will let me. My parents took Little Guy to the park in the morning, and we took him to the pool in the afternoon. He slept well.
Today was sort of a light day. I went to the gym this morning, and then we visited my parents. After nap, we wandered around the wal.mart. That is about it, really.
My first play group with my mother's group is this Friday. I think I am going to have people show up, as one person has already RSVP'd. If not, I am not going to sweat it.
Our first story time is this Thursday. Not sure what to expect, but it is for 18-24 month olds. Other mothers say that it is a lot of fun. We will see. I am a little concerned that Little Guy will not take direction well, as he is wont to do. At least I am not out any money if it does not work out.
Swim lessons start next week. That should be a lot of fun. He loves the pool!
I think that is enough bullets for this week. September seems to be getting into gear!

Finally made it to September.

2011-09-01T14:27:00.000-04:00

But it was close! I think August was trying to do me in.

This week brought an ear infection, and my period. Fun times over here.

Things are starting to look up, though. We now have a new baby sitter to add to our small list of sitters. She is sitting for us this Saturday. Our first weekend date night in a month! Both of us are looking forward to it.

I also have labor day off, so I only work one day next week. Hooray for holidays!

I actually managed to take the jogger stroller out. Finally. Unfortunately, it was over 80 degrees, there was a big hill at the beginning (and end) of my route. Jogging outside is a completely different experience than jogging on a track. And trying to manage the stroller on top of that! Needless to say, I did not run a whole lot, though I tried. I did get in about 2 miles overall, so it was still a bit of a workout. I may try a different trail and see if that works. I also may try somewhere I can let Little Guy play on a playground after the run. It is only fair. And it may give me a chance to stretch after my run, which makes my body feel better. Need to think on this more...

I am going to try to hit the gym this afternoon. Considering he is just getting to sleep for his afternoon nap, I think that fits in well with the gym's schedule. It is much easier on my body jogging without the stroller. At I can just zone out at the gym. Then we can hit the pool for a little swim time!

I also hacked my blog a bit. I am trying a hack which will allow me to reply to comments directly. So if you get email from me or my blog, that is why. If I do not like it, I may remove it. But I do think it is stupid of blogger not to have that option for the comments. Overall, I love blogger, except for the inability to respond directly to the people who comment on my blog. That is about the only reason I would move to wordpress. I like how wordpress shows all the conversations in the comment section, too. Why is blogger so resistant to conversations in the comment sections?

Anyway, I am really glad this week is almost over. I get to go to the zoo tomorrow morning, and then our housekeeper comes and cleans our house! I love having a clean house. Even if it is only clean for 5 minutes.

And this week starts with....

2011-08-29T20:44:00.000-04:00

An ear infection. Sigh. I am so over August at this point. I want it to be September so badly, I keep thinking that next month is October.

It can only get better, right? The silver lining to today is that I got an unexpected day off to take the Little Guy to the doctor. I got caught up on some chores and baked chocolate chip cookies. So the day was not a complete loss. And I get Labor Day off.

Tomorrow I have to redo my pap, which was unable to be done at the time of my yearly appointment, because of AF. Hopefully the appointment will not take too long, and Little Guy will go down for a nap in the afternoon.

I am vetting a new sitter with the baby and dogs on Thursday. Hopefully she can sit on Saturday. Our date nights are important to our marriage. It gives us a space to be husband and wife rather than mommy and daddy. And we really need that, so our date nights are more than a luxury. I know that we are lucky, and not everyone can do this. I highly recommend getting a sitter, even if it is once every few months. Fingers crossed that we can get a sitter this weekend...

Friday I have a play date with a mother from my mother's group. We are going to the zoo. I think it is more a play date for the mothers rather than the kids. I think she may have one child around Little Guy's age, but I suspect her children are older.

I actually really love my mother's group. They are very open and inclusive. They even asked me to share my knowledge of baby wearing and lead a playgroup which includes baby wearing. They all really believe that that only way to make motherhood happen successfully is to support each other. But there are times (like when a mother announces she is TTC) where I can really see how my perspective is rather different. Infertility really skews your point of view.

I have been driving the Sienna for about a week, and it still sort of feels like a rental car. Everything is so new and then there are all the toys! Bluetooth, XM, and power sliding doors! It is a little unreal that the car is really mine and I do not need to give it back. My mother thinks I should name the car. Nothing comes immediately to mind, though I sometimes think of it as Behemoth, as it is so big. Mini-van is a bit of a misnomer. Minivans these days are not small.

I wish everyone a good week!

I give up.

2011-08-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

I am just going to focus on getting through the end of the month. August is such a weird month, and something always seems to go screw-y during the month.

It was another weird week. Maybe it was the earthquake and the hurricane threat.

Monday we managed to pick up the minivan. But it took forever, and the baby got to sleep later than usual. Which meant a cranky baby until we could get him home and in bed. Sigh.

Tuesday I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon during Little Guy's nap time. I was sort of rushed because I had a mother's group thing I wanted to attend.

Wednesday I worked.

Thursday I managed to get the day wrong for my hair appointment. Turned out all right, though. She managed to fit me in. Thank goodness.

Thursday was also the only day we were able to get a sitter. So our date night was unexpectedly early this week.

Oh, and I have been purging stuff from closets all week. That has felt really good, and I managed to find my old mac. I have started using that more than the netbook. But the old mac has its downsides, too. It is an older OS, and it is slooow. Still better than the netbook with windows OS which seems to be restarted for an update several times a day. (OK, maybe the netbook only needs to be restarted once a day, but it is still more than the mac OS.)

The track has been closed all week, and I do not have the jogger. I noticed today that the track will be closed part of this week, too.

I know that there are some great things that happened over the past couple of weeks. (New car, Monday off, found my old mac. And I planned a play date with another mother from my mothers group.) But the little stuff is getting me down.

Maybe it is just the time of year.

I am just going to make it through the next week, and restart in September. I have good stuff planned for September. Story time at the library, swim lessons, play dates with my mother's group. The track should be open again, and I can run.

I am even going to try my hand at making some footed sleepers for Little Guy. I cannot find any toddler footed sleepers which are not fleece and fit normally. It is driving me a little batty. He does not sleep with a blanket, and the footed sleepers keep him warm when our nights get cool. And the sleeper is harder to take off than any of the two piece pajamas. (That way I get to change crib sheets less.)

Knit footed sleepers seem like something many toddler parents would love to have. So, Why cannot not find these in toddler sizes anywhere other than old navy?

I hope your August is better than mine.

Going to hell.

2011-08-24T06:11:00.000-04:00

Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

I intended to keep up with running this month. I was going to use a jogger I borrowed from my mother and try to run outside. Not so much. The track at the gym is closed this week, and I have not been able to get over there to use the pool. When I did have the jogger, all I managed to do was put air in the tires. I know, it is pretty sad. Running is mostly about persistence, so I really need to keep running. I promise to keep at it and not give up.

I have not kept up with WW lately. I really meant to start recording after my crappy week, but I still have not started back. Sigh. And I am going to put it off some more. Just because I am lazy.

Probably the thing I feel worst about, though occurred at my mother's group yesterday.

One of the mothers was all excited that she had removed her IUD and was going for a second child. She was all excited about the upcoming pregnancy. I wish her all the best, and I hope she does get pregnant quickly. The alternative is not very fun, I would know. Don't worry, I did not say anything to spoil her excitement. (And I do think she is allowed to be excited. Really!) I went with the old adage, and did not say a word. There were other mothers there who could be excited with her.

I did not say anything, mainly because I was green with jealousy. I wish it was that easy for us. It really sounds like fun. Have sex, make a baby. What a concept! But I have not even had to prevent pregnancy, because the chances of me getting pregnant are slim to none. Probably closer to none, given our history. Sex for us has nothing to do with procreation. Though it is fun.

And now I get to watch this woman turn up pregnant in a couple of months, and I should probably be all excited about it. Because that is what is expected. But pregnant women still sort of wig me out a little. Maybe because it is another reminder of what should come easily, but does not. It makes me think about what I need to do to get pregnant.

The experience did seem to highlight differences in fertile vs infertile women. There is definitely an innocence about women who have not had to deal with infertility. They can start out thinking everything is rosy and nothing bad is going to happen. And more often that not, nothing bad does happen. Whereas I, like many infertiles, are rather cynical about the entire process. Maybe even a little bitter about what we have lost. We do not have that opportunity to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. We need a team of highly trained medical professionals in order to even have a shot at getting pregnant. And we know that every cycle is a crapshoot. Most of ART only puts us on a level playing field with everyone else, and something is bound to go wrong with our cycle. That seems to be the way the world works for us.

That is not to say that infertiles do not have fun with various ART procedures. Though I suspect that there is a good layer of cynicism to the humor. Who would not be able to laugh at hormone pills, injections, and suppositories? After a while, it becomes your normal.

I guess the hardest part of the small exchange was that I was not able to pretend I was a part of the group of "normal" mothers. TTC is so far from my reality that I really could not connect and contribute to the conversation. I think that is what made me saddest of all. I am just starting to get comfortable with being a mother. Now I have to deal with being lapped again.

Purging.

2011-08-22T14:13:00.000-04:00

I spent my free day moving stuff out of the house, and moving stuff around the house. Not furniture, stuff. We have accumulated a lot of stuff with the baby!

I forgot how exhausting purging can be. I feel really tired. I made numerous trips up and down the stairs today. There was a lot of stuff located in the main living area which really needed to be moved out. There was stuff in the basement we needed to get rid of. I even moved moved some of the baby toys into the storage room in an effort to rotate toys and have fewer toys in our living space. (They were toys he was not really playing with right now, so I doubt it will be too big a loss. It is not permanent, anyway.) I even sold a couple of baby things we were not going to use to the consignment shop. And I threw a bunch of stuff out. It was a good day.

The interesting thing about this purge is that nothing in the house changed outwardly. All the furniture and most of the big things are still there. I just moved out stuff from closets. I also got rid of some of the little piles of clutter, which I have not had time to deal with. I think the house feels a little better. There is still a long way to go. There is still a lot of clutter in the house.

But I made a step in the right direction. And it felt good. I think I can breathe a little easier. And maybe I will have the motivation to tackle a closet or drawer during nap time one day.

I even have time for a short break before going to pick up the baby!

I think I see the light!

2011-08-21T14:08:00.000-04:00

I finally have a computer again. Thank goodness! I think I was going through computer withdrawal. Though it is not a mac, much to my disappointment. It is a cute little Toshiba netbook, though. Now that I have everything set up, I am much happier. But damn windows is difficult! Why, oh why does windows have to be a pain in the ass to use? When I am installing a program, I do not want to have to OK every damn step in the process. Just install the software. I know that it will probably change a few settings. I am fine with that!

Anyway, I have a computer again. And I am happy.

The other nice thing is that I get the day off from work on Monday. That never would have happened in my old job. I am really looking forward to the day off. I plan on putting the baby in day care and catching up on errands I have been putting off. I may also do something about the toy situation. And work out. And walk the dogs.

I get a new car on Monday! It feels very strange. I have not told many people about getting a new car. Not sure why. Maybe because it does not seem that real. But Hubby and I are both really excited about it. We cleaned out the jeep in order to make the transfer that much easier. I am really excited about the new sienna! I will try to take pics this week and show it off a little.

What is what is happening over here. I hope everyone has a good start to the week!

Crap.

2011-08-17T19:08:00.000-04:00

The verdict is in on my computer. My 2 year old macbook pro is fried. They managed to save the harddrive, but the water my toddler dumped on it destroyed it. So I am now computerless. Unfortunately, I do not know if I can afford anoher mac. I suspect I have a PC in my future. Much to my disappointment. I love mac computers.

I heard this news after a sucky day at work being extra again. I am starting to get rather frustrated. The people who make the assignments do not seem to care about preferences. It sort of feels like they are not going to let me circulate again. It is rather wearing.

Just feeling rather down today. Hoping tomorrow will be better. At least I do not have to work.
Off to lose myself in a romance novel.

Touchy feely Tuesday

2011-08-16T13:51:00.000-04:00

My computer is now in the shop. I am really hoping that I will not need a new one. I really miss it. The touch screen is just not the same. Though this experience is forcing me to explore the capabilities of my phone and my nook. So I guess it is not all bad. I am not nearly as crippled as I would have been a couple of years ago. Still miss my computer, though.

FIL is buying me a minivan. So excited. The sienna is great value, so I get lots of cool stuff, like bluetooth and rear facing camera to help me back up. Not to mention all wheel drive, and it it much cheaper than the honda minivan. I think we finally decided on the dark turquoise color. A little funky, and is not gold.

I am the highlighted mother in my mother's group this month. I get to answer a few questions in the newsletter. It will help people get to know me better.

I am seriously thinking about making my own conversion wrap. This wrap has the ease of a mei tei, but with wide straps like a wrap carrier. I think I have the sewing skills to do it. My mei tei body ripped, and I cannot use it any more. I really miss it. The person I got the carrier from is insanely busy. (Obimama on etsy, in case you were wondering. Her slings and carriers are divine!) Maybe someday I will get another carrier from her.

Seriously?

2011-08-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

This is not how I wanted to start my week.

I had to do discharges today at work. I know it is part of my job, but I always feel like I am being punished when I am not in the OR.

Then I was unable to work out or walk the dogs. I got sucked into the computer.

Then the baby spllied water on my computer after I got him home from day care. Now my computer does not work. I know I still have internets, but I still geel crippled with my 'puter. I am using my nook to post this. Not optimal.

All is not too bad, though. FIL is buying me a Sienna. So I will have a new car soon.
And I am debating making a wrap conversion sytlle carrier to replace my mei tei.

Energy Suck

2011-08-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

Little Guy has been a real energy suck recently. It is very frustrating. The time I do have away from him, I have not wanted to blog because I just want to sit in my own space.

We are in the middle of separation anxiety. I cannot leave him for anything. He cries and gets really upset. I know it is normal, and I am doing all the "right" things. Saying a perfunctory, "Mommy loves you and misses you while she is gone. I will see you later. I love you!" And then quickly leaving. And breathe a sigh of relief that I did it, and try to move on. So hard.

When he is with me, I have to be right there with him. Most of the time he will follow me if I have to do something. The trouble is that he is into everything! I cannot leave him alone even for a second, or he will get into something he is not supposed to be into. G-d forbid I try to take it away, either. He will pitch a fit. I have started putting him in his crib if he is inconsolable and unable to be distracted. I know he is safe in there, and the worst he does is throw everything out of the crib. I get him out when he has calmed down and is better able to be distracted.

But the tantrums are horrible. He will tantrum at the drop of a hat, and of course, I am supposed to stay calm every time he throws a fit. (Like every five minutes.) Because I am the parent and all that. It just gets hard because after a couple hours of tantrums, I lose my calm. I get frustrated because there is no way I can console him, and he refuses to be distracted. I am exhausted by the end of the day.

Lately, I think the straw which broke the camel's back is Hubby's grouchiness. Hubby has been grouchy for one reason or another lately. While he does not tantrum like the toddler, he will complain more and get frustrated more easily.

It just feels like I cannot win lately.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my last post! I really appreciate the encouragement! I will continue to run, as it helps with the stress of the day. I am progressing really slow, though. Hubby thinks I should work on speed first, but it makes more sense to me to work on increasing distance first. Yes, I am very slow. But hopefully by starting slow, I can keep good running form and hopefully prevent injuries down the line. At this point, I am not concerned with winning anything. I just want to finish something!

I want to try to get out with the jogger at least three times this month. I do not think that is a lot to do. It may not happen at all until next week. We will see how it goes.

Running with Babies

2011-08-06T11:58:00.000-04:00

I have not posted a lot about my running journey, but I am consistently running. A good thing for everyone, I think. I can run almost half a mile at at stretch around our track at the gym. I suspect I will get up to a half mile in the next couple of weeks. That is what I am hoping, at least.

I like running at the gym because it is just me running on the track. I can turn up my music on my ipod and go. I do not have to worry about keeping up with anyone else. And it is a fairly large indoor track, at about 1/8 mile. I have been counting laps, but I may need to switch to keeping track of time. I get zoned out and forget to count laps. I guess I need to buy a watch.

But the gym's track will only get me so far. I have a suspicion that in order to train for a 5K, I am going to have to get outside and run. I think I have a decent place I can run, not far from my house. It is a bike trail which follows a river, so I am fairly sure that the going will be mostly flat. (I am not up for hills right now, and my neighborhood is all hills. And not small hills, either!) The trail actually starts at the mall, if you can believe it!

I plan on trying to jog with a jogger stroller. To start with, I am going to borrow my mother's bob. That way I do not have to buy it if I find I hate running with a stroller. I have heard a lot of good things about the bob stroller. Hopefully I can make it work. I like that it has the fixed wheel at the front. And it is the bob with the really big tires, so it can "off road" a little easier.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I am hoping that you could help me get up the courage to actually get out and run. I would love to hear about tips and tricks for jogging with a stroller. How can I run without losing too much of my form? Is there anything I should beware of? Any info would help!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-08-02T08:18:00.000-04:00

Fell off the wagon last weekend with WW. I gave up because I was not happy about having to take classes for work over the weekend. And I really did not want to think about it.
On the bright side, I got Monday off, so it was not too bad. And I do not think I went too far off WW. I still went to the gym when I could.
I cannot believe I am thinking of doing the Drumstick Dash this year. It sounds like it is pretty low key, as a lot of people walk it. So it seems like a good one for someone who is unsure about races. I am aiming for running it. (Side benefit: it helps the local rescue mission.)
I have a long way to go, though. I am not quite up to running 1/2 mile at a stretch. Sigh. I think what I am going to do is seriously consider it if I can run at least 1 mile. So we will see. I need to run more often, though. At least it gives me a goal, which can be very motivating.
Going on a picnic with my mother's group today. I hope that it is not too hot. At least it will wear the Little Guy out. Which is good, because he is napping this morning, so his afternoon nap will be screwed up unless he has a big activity this morning.
I work two days in a row this week. Tomorrow and Thursday. Sigh. At least I get it over with.
Really need to walk the dogs today. I have been very irregular about it. They really do better with a walk.

I think that is all I have for now!

some things never change.

2011-07-29T10:13:00.001-04:00

At the ob/gyn office, waiting on the doc.

Babies and children do not seem to bother me anymore.

But pregnant bellies still freak me out.

Summer Camp

2011-07-29T08:54:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 29: If you could live anywhere for one month this summer, where would it be and why? Would you ever unplug from the internet for a month or longer to go on such a trip?

I would love to spend time at the beach. I like going to the beach and spending a lot of time doing nothing. Before we had Little Dude, I went every year. Or at least tried to go. The Outer Banks is my favorite beach. But only in the less developed areas, like down toward Avon or Hatteras. I cannot stand to see huge hotels or condos on the beach. It rubs me the wrong way, for some reason.

Unfortunately, I think the days of the relaxing beach vacation are behind me. Vacationing with a child is a lot different. It is still a lot of work. Though there is something nice about getting out of town, and just being somewhere different.

I do not think I could unplug completely for a month. I am too dependent on the internets. I think both Hubby and I are too dependent on the internet. Even when we go on vacation, we try to find a place with internet.

See more Calliope's Summer Camp!

Touchy-feely Thursday

2011-07-28T08:56:00.000-04:00

Because I forgot to do it on Tuesday.

Everyone is doing better in the house. We are all sleeping better. Baby has even slept through the night the past couple of nights. Not sure where that came from, but I hope it continues. I feel almost human. Not expecting much on that, though. Just trying to appreciate it while I have it.

Doing better with WW recording my food. The behavior mod has been fun, as I have been able to get a new song the past couple of weeks. It is getting to be habit to do it once a day. I still need to work on eating less, but at least I am recording stuff. Have not been on a scale in a while, though. So I have no clue if it worked.

I just finished the Trylle trilogy by Amanda Hocking. I went through it in about a week, and it is probably the reason I have been slacking in the summer camp department. I would be more fascinated with trolls than vampires. I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer, I guess.

Speaking of summer camp, I decided to skip the last two day's prompts. I just do not think that I am a great person to give advice. There are times when I would weigh in the comments and share my experience, but everyone has different experiences. What works for me may not work for you. I also do not watch a whole lot of TV. I usually go for series that are vastly different than my current life. I like the escape factor. Anything else, I just ignore. So I have no idea how to answer a question comparing my life to TV.

I have a mommy's group outing today. We are going for a stroller walk on a local trail. This should be interesting, as I hardly ever use the stroller, and have never taken a long walk with him in the stroller. I am not sure what to expect. I usually carry the baby on walks. But he likes the stroller, and he might do fine. I am thinking of putting my ergo in the stroller, just in case I need it. We will see what happens.

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Summer Camp Day 28: What size family do you come from, what size family do you want, and why?

I come from a typical nuclear family. My immediate family was mom, dad, my younger sister, and me. I think it was a good size for a family. My maternal grandparents, and my aunt were in and out of our lives throughout my childhood.

I liked the childhood I had with a sibling. I think that is why I want a family of four.
When I was in high school I used to joke that I wanted 2.5 children, which was the average at the time.

Two children are not a huge number, and anything more than three is a little crazy, I think. I want two children, so that my children can grow up with a sibling. I know that means going back to the Wizard for more help, and the whole idea of me bring pregnant again freaks out the Hubby. But at some level I have always wanted two children. After this one I am done. Promise. (If it makes the Hubby feel better, I am even willing to get my tubes tied after the next one, even though I doubt it will matter.)

More Summer Camp Ketchup

2011-07-26T07:52:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 23: What are your favorite activities to do on-line? Is there more to do beyond blogging?

My favorite thing to do on-line is blogging and reading blogs. This is where I spend most of my online time, and I even use google reader. Second to blogging is googling various subjects in a simulation of research.

There is a lot I do beyond blogging. Though I do not always blog about it. I work out regularly, take the baby swimming and go swimming myself, walk my dogs, cooking, shopping, taking the baby to his grandparents, taking the baby on outings like the park, try to attend activities for my mother's group.

Having a very active toddler makes you active by association. I have just decided to roll with it. It is probably good for me, too.

Summer Camp Day 24: What is your dream date? Have you ever dated anyone you met from the internet?

Dream date would be dinner at the fancy steak place in town. It is fun to dress up every now and again. I do not get a chance to do it very often. And we have actually done this, and may do this again in the future. The steak was too good not to do it again. But we are saving it for a very special occasion.

I have never dated anyone I met on the internet. I met Hubby about the time the internet was starting to take off. So I never really got the chance to do any internet dating.

Summer Camp Day 25: What did you want to be when you grew up? Why and/or how did that change over time?

When I was in high school, I really wanted to be a doctor. I think I always wanted a "cool" job and doctor sounded like it was interesting to me. I planned to major in biology, and go to med school right after college.

Once I got to college, I did end up a biology major, but I decided that med school was too much work. But I loved the sciences. I loved all the cellular biology I was learning. So I thought I would go to graduate school. But I was limited by location. Hubby and I got married the summer after I graduated, and he was still in law school. So I had to attend a school nearby. I did manage it, but I was not that thrilled with graduate school. It is a very lonely existence, and you have to be more in love with your research subject than other people. Not to mention, it is fairly competitive. Publish or perish seems to be the motto in graduate school. So I left the basic sciences.

We also moved back to Virginia so that Hubby could pass the bar and start his legal practice. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I ended up going back to my alma mater and getting a graduate degree in education. Which I sort of felt was a waste of time. I did not mix well with the other teachers, and I hated teaching in the high school. Sigh.

So I looked around again. I worked temp jobs for a while until I figured it out.

And then 9/11 happened. Which shook up everything. My parents were in Northern Virginia at the time, which scared me quite a bit. I ended up seeing a counselor for a while, and she really helped me figure out a lot of things. Including my direction in life. She was the one who brought up nursing school. I looked into it, and applied at Radford. And got in. I felt right, and it came together easily.

And once I started working in the operating room, I realized that I had finally found my people. I loved the morbid sense of humor, the sarcasm, the cynicism. I finally fit in. And OR nursing jobs are almost every where. So I had no problem getting a job. For some reason, most nurses do not want to do OR nursing. It is way better for me, as I really prefer my patients asleep.

So I did end up with what I consider a "cool" job. It is just not the job I pictured when I was younger. But it works for me now.

My expectations were not met.

2011-07-25T12:01:00.001-04:00

And I am not all that happy about it.

Today started all right, though I ended up taking Little Guy to the cell phone store. My mom could not do it. Don't know why I bothered.

Then I ended up shuttling my mom to and from a doctor's appointment because she could not see. That took the rest of the morning.

She kept trying to talk to me about traveling places with the baby. That is what set Hubby and I off this weekend. So I really did not want to talk about it.

Little Guy fell asleep in the car on the way home, and now will not go down for a nap. And I know he is tired. He fell asleep in the car. Idiot.

I have had no time to sit down and set up my replacement phone, and now I have a crying baby who is not happy about going down for a nap.

All I want is a chance to catch my breath. Without a crying baby in the background, pissing me off. Apparently that is too much to ask today.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Little Guy woke up at 5 AM. Um, yeah. And I still have not recovered from my crappy sleep this weekend.

But Hubby and I have talked, and we are better. He was just afraid I was slipping into old patterns. We made up. But we are both exhausted, because neither of us got a lot of sleep that night. And Little Guy insists on getting up early. If he is up, everyone else has to be up, too.

And now Little Guy has thrown everything out of the crib and is still crying, and the dog wants in. I guess I will try nap time again in a bit. But I am not happy.

Finally, we have successful nap! Only took about 30 minutes of bawling and tantrum before he finally slept! I ended up escaping downstairs and turning off the baby monitor. It gave me the chance to finally get my phone set up again.

Can't sleep.

2011-07-24T01:01:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to get to sleep for the past hour, without success.

I think it is because I hurt.

My heart hurts.

I feel like my husband does not see me. Or at least said things meant to hurt.

He told me I was unhappy.

I guess that is what he sees.

I think that hurt most of all.

Friday Whine

2011-07-22T18:05:00.001-04:00

I just need a space to vent. Feel free to skip this post...

I had a frustrating day today.

Here is what went wrong:

Went to the zoo this morning, right as it opened. It was too hot to truly enjoy it. Even the animals looked miserable.
Got my replacement phone today, but could not activate it. I tried several times. (My current phone is having issues with the touch screen.) I am going to take in to a store and have them activate it. But I cannot do that until Monday.
Tried to go to the pool, but it was closed when I got there. Apparently they had to clean up an "accident." I did run, since I was there. But the pool would have been heavenly! I was really disappointed.
As we were shuttling cars around this evening, I tried to convince Hubby to go by Chick.fillet to let Little Guy check out in their play area. But Hubby had a wardrobe malfunction on our way there, so that did not work out, either.

It was not all bad. Baby did get a nap, and Hubby got home early. We successfully dropped Hubby's car off to get it inspected. I even got a summer camp post done.

It just felt like more went wrong today than right. All the important stuff got done, but I did not get to do any of the fun things which help me get through the day with an active toddler.

Thank goodness tonight is pizza night. I may have an extra glass of wine, too.

When I was Young...

2011-07-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 22: What is your most beloved childhood memory?

The first ones which come to mind all surround Christmas. Maybe that is why I could not let Christmas go all together, even during the dark days of infertility.

I still remember waking up before dark on Christmas morning with my sister, and we would creep in to the living room, where the Christmas tree was set up. The Christmas tree would be lit, and wrapped gifts would be stacked under the tree. Some years there were large presents out, like a Big wheel, play houses, a set of blocks, or a doll house. It always looked like magic to me in the dark with the tree lit and the presents underneath.

One of my favorite things about Christmas morning would be the stuffed animals which were left out under the tree. These stuffed animals were made by my mother, and she left them out for us to play with on Christmas morning. We got everything from sock monkeys and bunny rabbits, to a 13 foot long snake and an animal straight out of my sister's imagination. My favorite was a large red velvet elephant. The ears were backed in pink satin. I think we both got elephants that year. Not sure what color my sister's was in, though.

Now that I have a little one of my own, I wanted to keep up the tradition of having something out for him to play with before we open presents. This past year, it was a big yellow dump truck with a large penguin in the back. He loved the dump truck, but I think the dog gets more out of the penguin. (The dog likes to carry stuffed animals around.)

Read more summer camp over at Creating Motherhood!

Summer Camp Ketchup

2011-07-21T11:25:00.000-04:00

I think I am caught up after this.

Summer Camp Day 20: What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you? Did you repay the kindness? Did you blog about it?

This is a tough one for me.

Do I look at the little things? Like the time my micro mentor gave me a stained glass angel as I was leaving the program. She also gave me the advice that I can always go back to school. Or the card I recieved from a Quacker group member during my cycle, letting me know that I was in their thoughts and they were holding me in the light. Or the fact that I had several groups praying for me during my IVF cycle.

Or do I look at the bigger things? The fact that both my parents and FIL helped me to pay off my student loans. That was a huge weight off my shoulders.

I think the thing I really want to talk about in response to this question is the fact that FIL paid for our IVF. Considering he paid for a shared risk program, it was quite an investment.

FIL is sort of interesting, as I suspect at times he looks for things to help us with financially. Overall, we are fairly self sufficient. We do not live outside our means, and we do not expect outside help when we make a big financial leap. So we are not to bad, money wise. We just did not have the money to spend on IVF.

But he gave us the opportunity to expand our family. We would not have had that opportunity if he had not paid for it. I admit there was probably a selfish motivation on his part. He wanted an heir, he said. And we do give him the opportunity to see him, whenever they are in town. He loves all the pictures and stories about him.

But it was a big thing for us to have IVF paid for. And it did help expand our family.

Summer Camp Day 21: What names would you NEVER name a child or pet? What name do you wish you had been named? Do you like the name of your blog?

Names are important, I think. They are part of first impressions.

Pet names are really important, I think. I would never name a pet Spot, Fluffy, or anything which sounds too much like a pet name. Though my very first cat I named Rosebud. Turned out to be a hilarious name, as Rosebud was a big tom cat who was about as un-prissy as an animal can get. And for full disclosure, during college I had a gerbil I named Sparky.

Usually I will try and give animals a human-sounding name. Currently, we have Gertrude, Oscar, Maxine and Belle. Gertrude and Oscar are our Great Danes. Maxine and Belle are our two cats.

We now have a rule that we cannot name any children after pets. So none of our children will be named any of the above. Or Athena, Molly, or Bowzer. (Though I do not think Bowzer would ever be in the running. He was an apricot toy poodle who really needed all the help he could get in the masculinity department.)

I actually really like my name. It is a family name. I am named for my Grandmother. (Yes, the one I do not really get along with.) I have always insisted on going by my full first name, never a nickname. Which is unusual, as most people with my name go my a nickname or shortened version. My name is also an "old lady" type of name, which got a little bit of attention during my gerontology rotation in nursing school. My instructor was discussing old lady names, and my name came up. As a group, my clinical group turned and looked at me. I was sitting in the back, trying to look innocent, or least that I had no idea what they were thinking. I thought it was sort of funny.

I love the name of my blog. Do without doing is a concept in taoism. Basically, it says that if you do not push things, you will end up where you need to be. You will get there eventually, so enjoy the journey and live in the moment. I think it is applicable, no matter what I am going through, and something I definitely try to keep in mind.

Summer Camp Ketchup

2011-07-20T20:15:00.000-04:00

Trying to catch up with my summer camp post. Hopefully by tomorrow I will be caught back up!

Summer Camp Day 18: How do you feel about astrology? What’s your sign, baby, and do you think it matches your personality?

I am an aries, the ram. It is a sun sign, and to summarize the traits:

(Thanks to astrology-online.com!)

Aries Traits

Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted

On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil

For the most part, I guess it does describe some aspects of me. (At least as well as these things do describe people.) I would say that I am enthusiastic and confident. When I am involved in something, I like to take action and really be a part of it. I think I could be energetic, provided I get enough sleep and work out often enough. Not sure about quick-witted though. I have a tendency to miss things as I just do not pick up on them.

I like to think I am slow to anger, but when I get pissed off, I am not nice to deal with. I try to allow for poor first impressions. (Does not always work.)

I do not think I am selfish, though if you looked at how I mother some people may say so. I work part time, and send the baby to day care. Hubby and I go out on dates, and leave the baby with a babysitter. I encourage Hubby to take the baby out by himself so that I can get some space. All of these things I do for me.

I will say that I am impatient. I hate waiting, and when I want something, I want it right now. Waiting drives me crazy because it is so passive. I want to do something! Not sit around and wait!

I still remember during nursing school, listening to a presentation by a person who was diagnosed with cancer. He was also an artist, and he was talking about his work and his experiences as a patient. He said he would always ask about his assigned nurse's astrological sign. He usually would try to get an aries, as they are doers. He wanted someone who would get things done. I liked that, and that has been true of my nursing practice. I like to do things, and not wait on things to get done.

Day 19: How do you (and your partner if applicable) feel about PDA? Does your husband/wife/partner know that you blog and if so are they involved?

I think both Hubby and I are pretty old school about PDA. Hand holding and occasional touches. Small kisses are acceptable, too. I think anything more and we just get embarrassed, for us or the other couple. Too much, and you should just get a room.

Hubby does read my blog, but is not involved in any way. He is not really a writer. That is just not how he expresses himself. My blog is all my own thoughts and musings.

Touchy Feely Tuesday and Summer Camp catch up (sort of)

2011-07-19T09:35:00.000-04:00

I am actually feeling better today. Which is a minor miracle, as I felt so awful yesterday. While I am not ready to go out and dance on the tables, I did manage to get my house under control and put something in the slow cooker for dinner. I also got a head start on lunches for tomorrow. I think I am doing fairly well. I may even go to the zoo with the Little Guy later. (Because he is sick, he is taking a morning nap lately. Not that I am complaining!)

This week I have to work three days at the OR. I worked Monday, and I still have to work Wednesday and Thursday. I have next week mostly off, as my day car provider is on vacation. But on Friday and Saturday I have to go to classes to renew certifications for my job. Sigh. I hate that it is on Friday and Saturday, but it is only one day, and I will see my family in the evening.

Summer Camp Catch up:

Summer camp Day 16: How many friends of yours blog/tweet/actively facebook? Has social media helped or hurt your friendships?

I think almost everyone I know is on FB, and many are more active than I am. I will jump on every now and see what is happening, and even update my status. I do not do it that often. I think blogging is more important to me than FB. I have reconnected with some old friends through Facebook, and I even meet regularly with at least one of them. My mother's group also sends info out through Facebook. So I guess it does more for me than I thought.

I am on Twitter, but few of my IRL friends are on twitter. I also am not all that regular about updating my twitter status. Like facebook, I will occasionally log on, but I do not usually do it every day. It is sort of fun to see what the celebs I follow are up to. Other than that, I do not do that much with twitter.

Blogging is where it is at for me. I have not actually met any of the people I follow. Though I think it would be fun to meet some of them. I do not have any non-online friends that blog. That I know of, at any rate.

That is all I have time for right now. I hear the Little Guy waking up, and I need to get going!

House of Sick

2011-07-18T17:41:00.000-04:00

I have fallen off the wagon with Summer Camp. Only because I have a cold. And Little Guy has a cold, and Hubby has a cold. Which amounts to everyone in the house having a summer cold.

And summer colds are the worst. They make you feel so miserable, while the weather outside tempts you to come and play. (Well, mostly.)

At this point all I can do is survive. Having a cold with toddler in tow is an exercise in energy management. Because my toddler is not going to let a cold slow him down.

Hopefully I will be back at it by the end of the week.

Right now, every baby-free minute is spent lying down and trying to rest.

Reminiscing about my alma mater!

2011-07-15T13:04:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 15: What was your college experience like? Were you involved in any clubs, groups, etc?

I am one of the few women who actually went to a women's college. I loved it! It was the best experience for me. College is where I truly blossomed as a student. I found what interested me, and that got me focused and allowed me to do well.

I went to a small liberal arts school called Hollins College. (Now it is Hollins University, but it will always be just Hollins to me.) The school had a reputation for attracting a lot of debs and rich girls. But I was not one of them, as my family was solidly middle class. And then I ended up a science major, which further separated me from the party crowd.

I spent a lot of time the science building, as I was a bio major with a chem minor. Specifically, I was on the second floor of the science building where all the bio, chem, and physics majors hung out. We did not get out much, as most of the lectures were in the morning, and labs were usually in the afternoon. I think I had an 8 AM class every semester. I just could not get away from it. The worst was organic chemistry. I still remember having to be up for organic chemistry at 8 AM Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. That sort of sucked. The only bright side was that it did not matter what we looked like, and most of rolled into class wearing pajamas, or something close to it.

I was an RA during my college career. That was interesting. My first year as an RA was spent in the party dorm, with upperclass-women. I think I just tried to keep a low profile and get my requirements in as I could. My senior year, I ended up RA in the art dorm. That was actually rather interesting, as we had a lot of dance-bio double majors. It was also pretty easy, as they had to have programs and dorm meetings on a regular basis. I had a lot of fun that year, and really enjoyed hanging out with the people in my dorm. Still keep in touch with a few of them, too.

As far as extracurricular activities goes, I was not on a lot of committees or groups. But I was involved in varsity fencing. That was a lot of fun. I had the best time, and we got to travel to all sorts of places for matches. If you ever get the chance to try fencing, do it! Nothing better than beating on someone else with a sword.

I also met the Hubby at college. I met him my freshman year, and we dated my entire college career. He even proposed on front quad. (Which is a big deal if you went to Hollins.) Hubby and I were set up by one of his roommates on a blind date, early in my freshman year. I went into it thinking I would at least make a friend, and possibly have someone to buy me alcohol. (Hubby was a senior when I was a freshman.) But by the end of the year, we were a definite couple. I think we had even met each others parents. We have been together ever since.

I loved going to a women's college, and I am proud of the fact that I went to Hollins. It gave me opportunities I would not have had at a bigger school.

Everyday People

2011-07-14T08:31:00.000-04:00

Child is actually napping this morning. I honestly do not know what to do with myself, so I thought I would do a quick blog post. Why not?

Summer Camp Day 14: How do you typically dress to run errands? Do you think bloggers dress better or worse than “regular people”?

When I run errands, I usually wear a t-shirt and khaki shorts or jeans, depending on the weather. When the weather is cold, I will wear a sweat shirt or jacket. Lately I have been wearing the baby, as well. He is usually in the er.go on my back. It is just easier to get in and out of a store if I do not have to chase after him, too.

I do not think bloggers dress better or worse than "regular people." Probably because I believe that bloggers are regular people. (Whatever that is.)

The Best and the Worst

2011-07-13T19:02:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 13: Tell us about the best job you ever had, and the worst. Do you ever blog or read blogs while at work? Do you ever quote or reference blogs while at work?

The best job I ever had was my previous position as an operating room nurse in a level I trauma center. If it were not for management sucking my soul out of me, and the lack of benefits for the hours I wanted to work, I would probably still be there. I really enjoyed the work I was doing, and enjoyed the people I worked with. There was always something going on, and the cases were usually interesting. Not to mention, the equipment worked (most of the time), and was relatively new. I left there with mixed feelings, and miss it every now and again. (I think I get bored sometimes doing the same cases over and over.) I guess I could always go back to my old job, but I think too much has changed within the department to go back now. Also, many of the people who I worked with have left and the atmosphere is just not the same.

The worst job I ever had was teaching a dual credit at a high school. I was hired by a community college to teach this class at the local high school. The high school I taught at was one and a half hours away from where I lived. I did not fit in with the other teachers. I hated all the things which got in the way of my class time, such as delayed openings and assemblies. Once students got a look at me, and realized that they would actually have to work, most of them dropped the class. So the classes were small. I did not have a block of lab time. I had to fit it into the class schedule. It was a thankless position. I only taught there one year, but it was enough.

In my current job, we do not have computers in every room. (Yeah, we kick it old school at my place of employment!) So I love my smart phone, where I read blogs on my breaks and over lunch. I have occasionally posted from my phone at work, but I prefer to post from my computer from home where I am not so rushed, and can concentrate better.

I do not reference or quote blogs at work. Blogging is personal to me, and not something I share with many people in real life.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-07-12T20:18:00.000-04:00

Playing hooky from camp today, because I am just too tired to think a whole lot.

Today I really tried to wear a toddler out, and I think I succeeded. Unfortunately, I am worn out, too. This morning we went to the gym, walked the dogs in the heat, and then went to the transportation museum to wander around a bit. We then went to my mom's house for lunch, and then he went down for a nap. I went home to do chores and catch my breath before a doctor's appointment. After my doctor's appointment I brought him home and tried to feed him a snack before swim class. Then we went to swim class and came home, ate dinner and went to bed. (Well, he went to bed. I am blogging before I have my medicinal glass of wine.)

That is a lot to do in one day. But he was pretty happy and in a good mood most of the day. Fortunately, this is the last week of swim lessons for a while, so I can drop that soon. Though the swim lessons are good for him. He needs to learn to swim, as he loves the water. I do plan on signing him up again. I may try a different time next time. We will see.

I think I do need to keep him busy. We are definitely dropping the morning nap, though. Much to my disappointment. On the flip side, I can now get him out in the morning and the afternoon. Which opens up some opportunities for us to go on different outings and things. So it is not all bad. But I really need him to go down for that afternoon nap so that I can catch my breath. He is a lot to keep up with!

I need to find other to find other things for him to do with my mother. I may email her with this dilemma. I suspect that we will not get over there as often for lunch, because he is usually asleep by noon. But we can still come over to visit regularly. She does like to do things with him, so that could be an option. It is easier, as his mornings are wide open now.

I have decided to embrace the active lifestyle which comes with a toddler. It can only help my weight loss. I am jogging as often as I can, and I am trying to get the Little Guy out of the house every morning and afternoon. That seems to work the best, as far as napping goes.

Speaking of weight loss, I finally had to admit that I am not really nursing anymore. Two or three nursing sessions in 24 hours does not seem to count as nursing. At least weight loss-wise. I had to switch my WW points to non-nursing, which was sort of depressing, as it took a lot of points away. But at least now I am seeing the scale going in the right direction. Between the high level of activity and decreased food intake, hopefully the weight will come off.

Summer Camp Day 11

2011-07-11T13:18:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 11: How are you different from your parents? How are you the same? Do your parents and/or family know that you write on-line?

My parents are very different from each other, so it is probably no surprise that I am a little like both.

My mother is an artist, and she is very right brained. She has a rather unstructured thought process, that I just cannot follow. In all honesty, I can say that I have no idea how her mind works. She is very much a free spirit, and likes to be away from it all whenever possible. Whereas I am left brained and analytical. I like things to be logical, or at least have an explanation which makes sense to me.

It is hard for me to say how I am like my mother, as we are each our own person. We do share a metabolic issue. We both have PCOS, and both of us have issues with our weight. Our strategies for dealing with differ significantly, though. My mother has food issues, and likes to be able to have unrestricted access to food. She does try to find foods that are filling and healthy, so she hopefully will not eat too much. And she will journal her food, which does help her, I think. I usually turn to WW. That has worked in the past, and I think it will work again. I just need to follow the plan. (Always a catch!)

I am a bit more like my father. He has a very strong work ethic. He owns his own business and works hard to keep it going. He follows through on his commitments. I love that I can count on him. If he says that he is going to do something, he will do it. I think I get my work ethic from him. Both of us are hard workers.

My dad is more in touch with his creative side than I am. When I was younger, he was into music. He plays guitar and sings in the church choir. He has gotten into writing the past decade, and that has been a wonderful creative outlet for him. At the moment my blog is my major creative outlet, though it feels more like a journal to me. It is a place where I can put my thoughts and feelings, and I do not see it as a creative space. I keep thinking I should make more use of my camera and take more pictures, and then I forget to take it with me and use it.

My family does know I have a blog, though I do not know how regularly they read it. They do understand it is personal, so they probably do not mention because of that.

Summer Camp Day 10

2011-07-10T13:15:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 10: Share your favorite recipe

I may have a problem here. I have a hard time following recipes as written. I feel they are more of a guideline. I will usually start with the basics and modify the recipe to my tastes. It usually does not come out much like what was originally written.

I will try to share something that I like to make, though. I will try to write it so that others can follow it, but I may get the measurements wrong. This particular recipe is not written down. I usually put enough enough of each ingredient until it looks right.
If the measurements I share do not look good to you, put as much or as little in as you want.

Rosemary chicken salad

(This has gotten rave reviews at every function I bring it to. It looks pretty and tastes fantastic.)

1 rotisserie chicken (preferably herb flavored, but any flavor will work.)
1 1/2 cups red grapes, halved
1 cup celery, diced
juice from 1 lemon
3/4 cup mayonnaise
2 Tbsp fresh rosemary (Must use fresh rosemary! Dried rosemary does not come out nearly as good.
1 Tbsp kosher salt (or to taste)
1/2 tbsp fresh ground pepper (to taste)

(Optional: Toasted almonds or walnuts)

Remove chicken meat from rotisserie chicken. Discard skin and bone
Mix all ingredients together, and let marinate for at least an hour.

Serving suggestions: Can serve over fresh greens, or in a pita.

Read more recipes over at Creating Motherhood!

Summer Camp Day 9

2011-07-09T13:41:00.000-04:00

Summer Camp Day 9: What is the most important lesson you learned from your own mother (or other primary caretaker)? What do you imagine the name of your Grandmother’s blog would be and what would she write about?

The most important lesson I learned from my mother is how to be creative. Despite the fact I ended up in the sciences, I enjoy creating things, and I have a healthy respect for the creative process.

My mother taught me that creativity is messy. I feel that if it is not messy, it is not creative. I remember painting at our dining room table, and getting paint everywhere. I remember painting off the edge of the paper on to the table. My mother also tolerated my foray into acrylics as I got older, which were not so easy to clean up.

The creative process is generally messy, not only physically, but mentally as well. Sometimes it is good to just throw ideas out, no matter how crazy they seem. If nothing else, you voice it as an option, even if it is not viable.

My grandmother is not like my mother, at all. My husband seems to think that I am more like my grandmother in some ways. My grandmother comes from the deep south, and is an upstanding member of the DAR. (That is actually how I got in to the DAR.) She has a lot of pride, and is very concerned with how others see her. It is very difficult for her now that she is getting older, and having to be more dependent on others. My grandmother and I do not get along very well. We are very polite, but it does not seem to go beyond that. I think we both have a hard time showing our weakness to each other. Family is very important to her, and she was very excited when I had Little Guy.

I think the name of her blog would be "Family Ties." She does think family is very important, and she likes to manipulate those connections sometimes. I think she would hide a lot about herself, and only put out there what she thought would impress people. Not very nice, I know, but that has been my experience with her.

Summer Camp Day 8

2011-07-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

Just a quick rant before I start. Feel free to skip if you do not want to read it.

Little Guy is in the process of switching from two naps to one. I usually give him one chance at a nap in the morning before I am off and running with him the rest of the morning. He can go down for a long afternoon nap, which I think is really good for him.

This morning, I went to the gym and then I left Little Guy with my mother while I ran an errand. She wanted to spend time with him. And I was only going to be gone about an hour, and then we would have lunch and take him home. That was the plan.

Unfortunately, my mother put him down for a nap while I was gone. He may have been tired, but I really wish she could have hung with it at least while I was gone. Then I could have brought him home and he could have had a nap at home. Instead he got an hour of sleep at my mother's house, and nothing else. I tried putting him down for an afternoon nap, but I only got an hour of play and fussing while I tried to get my chores done. I was not a happy camper.

The good thing is that he went down early, so Hubby and I have more time together, once I finish this blog post. And Hubby brought me wine. I think I need it tonight!

OK, rant over. Feel better now.
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Summer Camp Day 8: If you had to teach something, what would you teach? (If you DO teach, when did you discover your love for teaching/the subject?) Do you think blogs can play a role in education?

I do teach, off and on. Every now and again I will teach biology as an adjunct at the local community college, which is actually a pretty good gig. No need to deal with departmental politics. You get to teach your class and go home.

But. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?) Teaching takes a lot of time and effort. Nursing (RN not BF) is more lucrative, and I do not have to take anything home after working hours. So nursing is what I am sticking with right now.

Not sure if I am that passionate about teaching. Not like I am about being an RN. Teaching is a job, and it is sort of fun, and I am pretty good at it. I actually have a graduate degree in education, though I do not like to talk about it because I went into education because I did not have anything better to do. Probably not the best reason to enter a profession. Through my student teaching and other experiences, I also realized that I do not get along with other teachers. Maybe I am too much of a cynic. Nurses as a group are fairly cynical. Teachers can be cynical, but it is not the same as nurses. I think nurses are much darker in their cynicism, probably because they see the dark side of everything.

I do not know if blogging could play a role in education. It could help with research in higher education, as people blog their experiences and interests. It can help people expand their hobbies and interests. I have gotten good info on various subjects from blogs. I do not think that it is able to play much of a role in high school or below. (Or even in community college, for that matter.) At that level, students need to figure out how to do basic research and come up with basic info about the subject, preferably from a reliable source. It is hard to get that information from a blog.

Summer Camp Day 6 and 7

2011-07-07T06:47:00.000-04:00

I actually started this yesterday, but did not manage to finish it. So I am including Day 7 so that I stay caught up.

Day 6 of Summer Camp: When was the last time you tried something new? What was it and what was the result? Have you ever done something just so that you could blog about it?

A few new things I have done recently:

I joined a mother's group. So far, I like it. I do not feel too different, and the women are really nice.

I opened an etsy shop. That remains to be seen. I have listed things, but nothing has sold, yet.

I am trying behavior modification to lose weight. That also remains to be seen. I had one good week, and one bad week. I hope it works over the long term.

That is all I can think of right now. I think there is so much that changes with the little one, that I do not want to do a whole lot that is new and different.

I have not really done anything just to blog about it. I may have thought about blogging about something I am doing, but I do things because I want to.

Day 7: What’s your favorite thing to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Do you read food blogs or would you ever consider writing one?

I love pizza. I could eat it any time of day. I have actually had cold pizza for breakfast, years ago.

I actually consider myself a foodie, but I do not read any food blogs. The closest I come is when the Frugal Girl or Non-Consumer Advocate post a recipe. Some of which I have actually tried, with some success.

I watch food TV, instead. Not sure why. Probably because I would want to follow a local food blogger so that I could try some of the ingredients or foods they would highlight.

Touchy-feely Tuesday and Summer Camp Day 5

2011-07-05T08:09:00.000-04:00

Little Guy slept through the entire night last night. What a gift! I honestly think my body does not know what to do with all of that sleep!

Behavior mod took a detour last weekend. Well, it was 4th of July, so it was a holiday weekend, and I was sick and sleep deprived. Eventually, I just gave up, as it took too much energy, and I was more concerned with surviving. I will get back to it this week. I feel so much better when I do.

Hoping to get to the gym this morning, and then I have a dentist appointment. Sigh.

Really ought to do some bill paying today. It will not take long, and I think Little Guy may actually be asleep for a nap this morning. Better take advantage of that!

Summer Camp prompt for today is : What do you prefer to do on your birthday?

I like to go out to a really nice dinner for my birthday. Without the little one!

This year, I think we actually celebrated it a day early, as we could not find a sitter for the actual day. We went out to dinner at a high end steak restaurant. It was lovely. The steak was fantastic, and the wine list was excellent. (Not to mention the wine!)

Summer Camp: Day 4

2011-07-04T19:16:00.000-04:00

I was about ready to scream this morning. Baby would not go to sleep! Every time we tried to put him down, he did everything but sleep. It was very frustrating.

Summer Camp day 4: What has most surprised you about being an adult? What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

I am not sure what I expected about adulthood. I think I expected my life to follow a specific path, and that I would be able to stay on that path.

I guess the most surprising thing about adulthood to me is having to handle the unexpected setback.

When I was younger, I thought I would go to medical school, be happily married with 2.5 kids by the time I was 30, and be able to balance it all.

About the only thing I did achieve was to be happily married by 30. I did not go to medical school, I had my first child at the age of 36, and I still have not had the second. (Though I want to try next year.)

I think I had problems coming to terms with not meeting my own expectations of my life. I can be rather hard on myself and it was hard for me to deal with the changes in my journey. I felt like a failure because not only I did not have children, I did not even have a job or career I enjoyed.

I eventually got it together, but it was not what I envisioned when I was younger. I found I did not even want the same things as I got older. I went to nursing school and became a nurse. I now have a career I adore. After a decade of infertility, we finally were able to do IVF which lead to Little Guy. (Who I also adore.) Neither of these things were in my life plan. I guess better late than never for some things. And they did lead to happiness for me. Just not what I envisioned when I was younger.

As I was coming to terms with my life, blogging gave me an outlet. It made me feel like I was not alone, as I started to connect with other bloggers. It became a place to record where I have been, and what I want for my life. I learned that I can deal with where my life is headed, and I can handle whatever life throws at me. Blogging helped me get underneath the emotion and figure out what is really going on.

Summer camp: Day 2 and 3

2011-07-03T14:37:00.000-04:00

Because I did not post yesterday, I am trying to play catch up today.

Day 2: What were you like in high school? What extracurricular activities did you take part in? Did you consider yourself a writer?

I think I was fairly average in high school. I never hung out with the "cool" kids, and did not even try out for cheerleading. (And I always thought that the cheerleading team was a bit of a popularity contest anyway.) I usually sat in the back of the classroom with the slackers and would let others copy my notes. I usually had the assignment done, anyway, so it was no big deal to me. Never made honor roll, but never got a grade below a C. Nothing to make me stand out from the crowd. I did just enough work to get through.

I think I was a bit of a geek back then. I was on the flag team, so I usually hung out with band people. I actually enjoyed Shakespeare. I remember going to one of our high school productions of a Shakespeare play, and I think I was one of the only people in the audience who laughed at the appropriate times. My papers were typed out on an early toshiba and printed out on a dot matrix printer. (Am I dating myself now?) I enjoyed hanging out in my room and listening to music. I really enjoyed my tape collection.

I was also active in my church youth group. I did not want to lead anything at school, but I did take a leadership role in my church youth group. It was a great group and I enjoyed being with the people in the group. I think I preferred being a leader of a small group over a large group.

That is not to say I did not get into my fair share of trouble. I remember having at least one party while I parents were out of town. I also usually hung out with druggies on the weekend, though I did not actually do any. Um, really. They used me for my car, I used them for access to alcohol. It was all good, yo. They did not pressure me to do anything.

Overall, an average high school experience, I think. I cannot say that high school was the best years of my life, but they certainly were not the worst. Not all the memorable, really.

I did not consider myself a writer in high school. I actually still do not consider myself a writer, despite the fact I blog regularly. In high school I did have a journal, and I wrote in it intermittently. But it was not something I enjoyed. It was more an emotional outlet. I was more into reading, hanging out with friends, and listening to music.

**************************************
Day 3: What are your guilty pleasures.

Chocolate and wine.

Though wine is more medicinal, and almost good for you now. But I love a really nice red. Hubby and I watched James May's Road Trip, where May and Oz Clarke drive through Europe and America and drink wine. In watching that show, Hubby realized how much of a wine snob I am. I am not quite at Oz Clarke's level, but I know enough to pick a decent wine off the wine list. (I am also enough of a snob that if the wine list is too pedestrian, I will not even order wine. I usually have something better at home!)

Chocolate may be a true guilty pleasure for me. I love chocolate, and it seems that I cannot get enough! At least dark chocolate is good for you, in moderation. I almost never turn down an opportunity to eat chocolate.

Off to Camp!

2011-07-01T10:36:00.000-04:00

Calliope over at Creating Motherhood is hosting Blog Juice, a summer camp for bloggers!

I still remember all the great times I had at summer camp, in between all the bug bites and wildlife. (I still remember being freaked out by a black rat snake. That thing was huge!) I also wanted to get motivated to post more, and this seemed like fun to me.

Today's post is on my blogging space.

I actually spend a lot of time in this chair. Thank goodness it is very comfortable! I got the glider when Little Guy was born, and I continue to spend a lot of time in it.

(Um, yes, we still breastfeed, but only at night. That is sort of where the bop.py lives.)

The chair is positioned in front of the front door, and angled so that it has a good view of Little Guy's play area. It is right next to the couch, and more often than not, there is a dog sitting on that end of the couch.

The chair has pockets where I can keep random stuff. TV remotes, nail files, pens, paper, and whatever else I throw in there. The ottoman rocks with the glider. The ottoman is actually a favorite plaything for Little Guy. He likes to take the cushion off the glider and try to stand up on it. It is a favorite game of his.

The quilt was made by a friend of mine when Little Guy was born, and it is full of bright colors. The patterned pieces have pictures of Clifford the big red dog and colorful cats. Little Guy likes to point out the dogs and cats to me sometimes.

Behind the chair is an ottoman which has a pile of fleece blankets. One of our dogs likes to eat her dog biscuits off that ottoman, so we cannot really move it. (Not that we spoil our dogs, or anything!)

Most of my blogging is done while Little Guy naps. He commands all attention when he is awake, so it is impossible for me to even finish a thought. Nap times are wonderfully quiet and peaceful and allow me space to be a little contemplative, which helps me focus on my writing.

Contemplative time done, time to do some chores before the Little Guy wakes up!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-06-28T14:14:00.000-04:00

Feeling sort of blah today. Probably does not help that I have my period.

Had a great morning at a mother's group outing. We went to a local duck pond and threw bread at the ducks and wandered around the pond. I constantly had to keep Little Guy from actually going in the water and swimming with the ducks. Other than that, a good time was had by all. We then went to the BK next door and let the kids play in the kiddie area. Freaked me out at first because the play area was huge, and I could not always keep track of Little Guy. He was fine, though. No problems, and once I realized that he could not really hurt himself, and he did not freak out, he did great. He even came out when he was done playing. I probably should have left, then, but I stayed a while to try to talk with the other moms. It was nice to have a place to sit and talk with other mothers and worry too much about your children. Overall, a nice outing for baby and mom.

I have been doing well recording food and drinking water. I have tried not to fudge too much. I do record almost everything I eat. I usually will be lazy with the fresh fruits and veggies, as they are zero points. I am really trying to do better. I actually managed to get on a scale, and it said that I had gained a couple of pounds. I am putting that down to water weight with my period. At least I hope that is what it is.

Swim lessons are going fine this time. I am trying them in the evenings, and it seems to work all right. he is usually tired and hungry after class, so it is really easy to feed him and put him to bed. If he wakes up in time, I try to work out before class. Most days it comes together. If he sleeps to late, I get a little grumpy, but there is not much I can do. He needs his rest.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. It does make me feel better about how I acted. My friend is taking me up on another visit. It may not happen for a while, because July can be crazy for them. Whatever. I also mentioned the issue to Hubby, and he does not see anything wrong with what happened, either. I think it may be that the expectations of the visit were not met. That is why I offered another visit. Hopefully I will have more time and energy for it. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that my friend mentioned that she was "offended." To me, that is strong wording, and puts me on the defensive because it makes me feel like I did something horribly wrong. I thought it was a nice visit. They day was beautiful, everyone got to see the boy, and everyone could see him happy and playing. The adults got a chance to catch up. The only thing missing was the dogs, and I think the mother wanted to meet the dogs. Next time I will try to start inside, so that everyone can interact with everyone. At the moment I am just letting it ride, and I am letting my friend take the lead in where it goes next.

I think that is all from here!

Feeling Bad

2011-06-27T09:27:00.001-04:00

A friend sent me an email yesterday asking if I offended her in some way.

Her and her mother came over for a visit, and in true toddler style Little Guy made a bee line for the door. He was ready to be outside. He loves being outside, and it was a gorgeous day.

He was having so much fun outside, I did not think about bringing him inside,so we hung out in the front yard while he played.

I should have invited them in, so that the mother had more of a chance to interact with the baby. My friend felt offended by not being invited inside. Now I feel bad for offending my friend and her mom.

Sigh. I apologized and invited them over again, but I feel like I should do something else to make it up to them.

I feel bad about offending my good friend, and I am not sure how to make it better.

Lazy Day

2011-06-23T14:09:00.000-04:00

I am thinking I done doing major stuff for the day.

I have already put together enchiladas for dinner, vetted a sitter with the baby and the dogs, and fixed lunch for my parents. I have to take Little Guy to swim class later, but that should be fun. I am going to take this afternoon and sit on the couch with my no.ok and read dumb psychic romance novels. Maybe I will eat a couple of peaches and drink some water.

Oh, and I finally got my etsy shop up, though I do not have a lot of things listed. I also have a shop over at shophandmade.

You can find the etsy shop here.
(When I went to link to my shop, I could not believe it, but people have actually looked at my stuff. One person even favorited one of my items! Cool! It remains to be seen if anyone actually purchases anything, but at least people are looking!)

You can find the shophandmade shop here.
(That shop is new today. I am sort of trying it to compare to etsy, as it does not cost anything.)

Right now I just have swaddling blankets, but I hope to add lined zippered pouches soon. Maybe OR scrub hats, too.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-06-21T09:03:00.000-04:00

Doing a little better lately.

I should not have worried about my certification running out. There were seven of us who were sent home from work because we did not have the certification. At least I can take the hit, sort of. My next paycheck will sort of suck because I do not have a lot of hours. At least I only had to miss one day, and I only work part time. There were full time people who had to miss more than one day. I need to keep some perspective about this.

I think I am almost ready to list stuff on et.sy. I may also try shophandmade, too. I just need to break out my camera and start taking pictures.

I finally had a week where my behavior mod worked! I recorded food and drank all my water last week. Now I get to buy a song off i.tunes as my reward. I did not weigh myself this week, though. Just could not do it. Maybe I will weigh myself next week.

For some reason, I have been holding a lot of tension in my shoulders lately. I can feel my shoulders by my ears most of the time. Not sure why. Hopefully it will go away as I work out regularly again and give my tension somewhere to go. I do feel better after working out yesterday.

We had our first experience with unexpected poo this weekend. On Sunday, after nap time baby was not happy. When I saw the baby, I was not happy, either. I walked in to find baby naked and covered in poo. There was poo everywhere! Little Guy had undressed himself, and then pooped and got it everywhere. All over him. All over the crib, and everything in the crib. It was insane. Little Guy got a quick bath, everything in the crib got washed, and the crib got wiped down with bleach wipes. (I luv clor.ox!) Sigh. I suspect it will happen again when we are least expecting it.

I think that is all the news from this corner of the world.
I hope everyone has a great day!

Hooray for Dads!

2011-06-19T11:39:00.000-04:00

I love my Hubby. I think he is fantastic. And the best part is that he is a fantastic father.

I know that he had doubts about what type of father he would be. He still has issues surrounding his own father. While he grew up mostly without a father, he did have some fantastic father figures. I think that helped make him into the father he is today.

We are still new at this parenting thing, I admit. But I think that Hubby is doing fantastic. I could not do it without his support.

He enjoys playing with Little Guy, and he really likes seeing new skills emerge. Little Guy really likes him, and misses Hubby when they are not together.

Right now Little Guy prefers Hubby over me, and both of us are enjoying it. I enjoy the break, and Hubby enjoys being the center of Little Guy's attention. It is so much fun to see them together. They really enjoy each other.

Happy Father's Day to Hubby, and all other dads out there!

A lot can happen in 2 years.

2011-06-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

My BLS certification has run out and expired. This means that I cannot work. BLS is a basic CPR certification, and all nurses have to have that certification to work.

At first it pissed me off that I let it expire. I used to be pretty good about keeping up with it. I have to renew it every two years, so it is something which can easily be forgotten about. But it is important to my job, and I recently had to get copies of my BLS and ACLS cards when I started my current job. I should have known when my BLS and ACLS were about to expire.

Then I realized that I should cut myself some slack. I have had a lot happen in the past two years.

When I renewed my ACLS and BLS cetifications, I was early in my pregnancy. Since I got the certification I have:

Had a baby
gone back to work
started a new job teaching (and then stopped teaching)
started another new job at the ambulatory surgery center

Those are all big changes. It is probably a minor miracle that nothing else more serious fell by the wayside. I did remember to renew my nursing license, after all.

The unfortunate part is that the class is 5:30 on Monday, which is when the baby eats dinner and goes to sleep. I guess that is is a small price to pay, but I am sad about missing his bedtime, even for one night. I really like to be here for his bedtime routine.

The silver lining is that I cannot work until I renew my BLS. So I get to have Monday off of work.

(Of course, my paychecks are going to look pretty sad the next time around. But I can enjoy the time off with the baby.)

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-06-14T14:37:00.000-04:00

I stuff I want to say today, but I cannot seem to figure out how to start.
So I guess I will just bullet everything.

Just got my car inspected, oil changed, and brakes repaired. I needed to get all of it done. Especially the brakes.
FIL is thinking of buying me a new car when the new models come out in the fall. I am thinking Hon.da Odyssey. Those are really nice, and I totally want a minivan. For real, there is no sarcasm there!
Hubby has actually been able to talk about what sex we would "want" if we had another child. I think that is progress on expanding the family. He is still freaked out about having another one, but I am calling this progress.
Discovered that neither of us really care about a baby's sex, as long as it is healthy.
Baby is much better with napping now that everyone is home, and our routine seems to be settling out. We get one nap in the morning, and a nap in the afternoon. He really needs both still, because he is very high energy when he is awake. He has two speeds. Stop and go. I am not complaining about the morning nap, as it gives me a chance to get myself together.

I really need to comment more, and comment more regularly. IComLeavWe is great, and I may sign up for it next time around to get me motivated. Though I have sort of found it to be more like a job, and not as fun as I expect. That can feel like a lot of comments to leave, especially if you only have a short amount of time to blog and read blogs. I always feel rushed with IComLeavWe. I prefer to leave thoughtful comments come out of my response to the blog and the blog post. Maybe I am just too slow for it.
I may try to start leaving one comment somewhere every day. And try to explore a new blog every week. That feels more doable for me.
I may blog about a site I love. It is a really great way to share pictures and stories with family and friends.

I love the fact that my child still wants to be in the baby carrier. I recently learned a new way to tie the mei tai, and I still use my ergo. Carriers can be way easier than strollers! It is a wonderful way to take everyone on a dog walk. Though we must look sort of odd, with two great danes, and me carrying the baby on my back.
I am so excited to be able to use the mei tai in the summer. It is so much cooler than the heavyweight ergo.
Maybe I should do a post on baby wearing? What do you all think?

I think that we are planning a trip to see MIL after Christmas. We are debating renting a house in Yorktown or Williamsburg. I said that I am not doing a hotel room with the baby, so renting a house seems like the best option. We may travel at night while he is sleeping, so that we can make the trip without too much drama. Hopefully it will all work out, and then MIL will be able to see him. Though I am still not happy about how she has treated us.
While we are out there, I am hoping to see my RE about starting FET using the embryos we have leftover from IVF.
Really looking forward to our stay-cation this year. We are taking the week off at the same time, and baby is going to day care his regular days. I think it will be more relaxing than trying to travel anywhere. Traveling with the baby totally stresses me out. And having two baby free days will be bliss.

Starting to get stuff together for an Et.sy shop. It is slow, but it is coming together. I want to make sure I have something to sell before trying to set up the shop. That way I can have pictures of what I am selling.
I will probably start by selling swaddle blankets and zippered pouches. I may give you guys a preview of what will be there.
I will definitely let you know when the shop opens.

Finally starting to do WW again. I started recording yesterday. I am also using the behavior modification for motivation. I actually got a sticker yesterday because I drank all my water, and I recorded all my food! Go me!
Realized that I am very active. I work on my feet, walk the dogs, work out on my days off, swim with the baby. I do not even count the housework I do!
Also realized that I really need to eat better. My diet is not so great. I need more water, and less food. It is tough being a foodie on a diet.

That is all I can think of right now!
I hope everyone has a great week!

A boy and his dad.

2011-06-12T08:44:00.001-04:00

I really appreciate all that Hubby does for me. And Little Guy adores Hubby. Right now, Little Guy prefers Hubby over mommy. No one in this house is complaining!

Yesterday we went to the local transportation museum, and they had free train rides. We rode in the caboose, and I think Little Guy and Hubby really enjoyed it. I managed to catch a pic of them in the back of the caboose. They both look like they are having a great time.

Just had to share the pic with you all!
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Oh Happy Day!

2011-06-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

Hubby comes home today! And it is Friday! And we have a sitter for our date night on Saturday!

Things are looking up.

I really missed Hubby while he was gone. I think Little Guy missed Hubby, too.

The only wrinkle in the happiness is that Hubby was up all night last night, and traveling all day today. Which means that he is going to be exhausted when he gets home. Hopefully, we will be able to put the baby to bed and get Hubby to bed soon after Hubby gets home, so that Saturday can be a good day with everyone.

But overall, I have a fairly good feeling about today, despite the hot weather.

I get my husband back!

Happy day!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-06-07T18:31:00.000-04:00

Finally doing one on time this week!

Hubby is out of town this week, and I have a friend staying with me to help with the baby. It is so nice to have an extra set of hands! Really helps save my sanity. (Hubby should be back on Friday by dinner, so he is really only gone for a few days.)

Little Guy really still needs the morning nap. He can skip it occasionally, but he does so much better on the 2-3-4 schedule. He is not feeling that great right now, as he has a cold and is doing a little teething. So his sleep is still out of whack. And probably will be for a while.

My college reunion was fantastic. Though I was the only science person there. It was great seeing other people from my class. I probably ought to think about actually giving money to the college, and not just showing up for reunion. It is sort of cool living right around the corner from my alma mater. I keep thinking I should try to get over there more often.

At this point, I am trying to recover from staying out too late at reunion. Getting my house back in order, attempting to catch up on sleep, and get over this small cold I picked up from somewhere. I have a couple of mother's group activities I want to do this month, which should be fun. I will probably also try to meet my local classmate this month.

Right now, I think I am doing all right and holding it together.

Friday!

2011-06-03T08:53:00.000-04:00

I am exhausted after working two days in a row. That is not something I want to do on a regular basis. It does not help that I have a sore throat and feel the start of a cold. I really hope I am not coming down with something. I started taking vitamin C and I am drinking echinacea tea. Hoping that will keep away the worst of it.

The other reason I am hoping that I am not coming down with a cold is that my college reunion is this weekend. I am really only going today and tomorrow, and I do not have to travel anywhere because I live right around the corner. But I want to be able to enjoy seeing my classmates. Keeping fingers crossed that this cold will not get too bad.

I am trying to get the baby down for a nap before I start my day. So far, he is doing a lot of playing and not a lot of sleeping. I will give it another 15 minutes, but I think we are not going to get a nap in this morning. At least I tried. I suspect that he will nap very well this afternoon because there is no nap this morning. Sigh. Really beginning to hate the nap battles. He is not crying yet, but he could use a nap and he will not take one. The jumping up and down in the crib does not bode well for a nap.

If he does not nap, I think I can make it to the gym this morning. At least that is something.

Touchy-Feely Tuesday, on a Wednesday

2011-06-01T19:45:00.000-04:00

Because I have been distracted by psychic detective romance novels. Sad, but true. I just want to read and not think about stuff.

That does not mean that nothing is happening, it just means that I need an escape, at least temporarily.

I had a nice Memorial Day weekend. I did not do much, and we tried to stay out of the heat as much as possible. This becomes difficult with a toddler who wants to be outside all the damn time. Then he gets cranky because he is too hot. I have not figured out a solution to this.

My college reunion is next weekend. I am pretty excited to see some of my college classmates. I think it will be a great time. Hubby and my mother are doing childcare for me for the weekend. I figure it will all work out in the end, as he is going out of town for most of the week next week.

Thinking about starting an et.sy shop, now that I have more time. I think I may do baby swaddling blankets and zippered pouches/pod bags. Both of these things I had a hard time finding, and both of these things I really needed.

I have been doing really crappy with drinking water and recording food. Behavior modification has not worked, because I have not used it. I really need to get off my but and do something. I have the stickers, I really ought to use them.

I may join the mother's group I have been looking at. I want to go to a business meeting before I truly commit. I have only been to one event, but it feels right. We will see if I feel the same way after the business meeting.

Hubby and I have been scheduling our arguments. What that means is that we have a time once a week where we are allowed to voice our grievances. When we start to argue, we are allowed to just walk away.

During our scheduled "argument," we use a "talking stick" to determine who has the floor. The person with the talking stick is allowed to finish talking, and is not interrupted. Then the talking stick is passed, and the other person can respond, without interruptions.

Another piece of advice was not to schedule the "arguments" after 8 PM. No one has the energy to really talk and actively listen after 8 PM.

So far it has worked. We are able to talk about our grievances without the emotion of the moment. We are able to put off the argument because we know we have time to hash it out later. Which actually is rather nice.

Anyway, that is what is going on in my little corner of the world. I hope everyone is having a great week!

Rolling with it.

2011-05-25T19:29:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about work, and work-life balance. I think it is something that most of us struggle with at some point.

The problem I have is that I am a rather driven person. When I was younger, I wanted to have a “cool” job. That job tended to be in the sciences. Doctor, research scientist, or something along those lines. Teaching did not interest me, and the only reason I got my graduate degree in education is because I was bored and cound not find anything else to do. Teaching was not “cool” enough for me. Turned out I am not too bad at it, but it is not really what excites me. Teaching is not a love for me.

Nursing interested me because it is in the sciences and is part of the medical field. I have been dancing around medicine. When I got my degree and started working in the operating room, I found what I wanted to do. My favorite clinical in nursing school was observing the open heart surgery procedure.

I really enjoyed most of the work I did at the level 1 trauma center, but it was stressful. You never knew what your day would turn out to be. Anything could come through the door, and we had to fit it in the OR somewhere. I loved the people I worked with, too. They are a great group of nurses.

After I had the Little Guy, I really needed less stress. That is how I ended up in my current job at the ambulatory surgery center. It is definitely less stress. And it is another great group of nurses and doctors there. I have opportunities to expand my skills into PACU and outpatient areas. And I only work twice a week. I have plenty of time to spend with my little guy, especially as I am not teaching now. I have more opportunity to get out with the Little Guy and meet other mothers. That is really where I need to be right now.

But... (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)

I feel like something is missing. Maybe it is because I feel like the work I do at the ambulatory surgery center is not as exciting to me. The work consists of a lot of “little” cases and does not feel as challenging to me as the work work at my old job.

The nice thing about my current job is that I have energy to give to raising my son. That is pretty special, and I am lucky to have the opportunity to do that. I do not have to work full time. I have a job I leave at work, and does have any “homework.” I have time to enjoy the child for whom we waited so long.

The current job is also better for me if I decide to go back to number 2. As mentioned above, it is a lower stress job, and they are likely to be more flexible if I need to come in late after monitoring appointments. Hubby is more comfortable with me in the job while I am pregnant with child number 2.

Another reason to stay in this job is that only one person in a couple should have the high stress job. Hubby is the one with the higher stress job, and he has less flexibility about what he can do. He is also the main breadwinner in the family. With me working part time, I have some time to care for him and the house, both of which are important to me.

So, for the time being I need to let go of my inner drive and enjoy what I have. I can go back to a more challenging job later. I have a good job, a lovely supportive Hubby, and a beautiful and happy toddler. Life is good right now. I need to enjoy it.

"Lazy" Sunday with a toddler

2011-05-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

After a 2 hour nap this morning. (I could not believe it!) He got up and wanted to play with his new shopping cart.

He loves that shopping cart. He has to carry everywhere. Which translates to mom or dad carrying it everywhere.

I then got it in my head to go on a picnic at the park. Sort of a crazy idea with a fearless toddler and no other adult, but I think the heat was getting to me. He had to play on the playground and go on the slide. He climbed up there all by himself. I could not believe it!

The slide was taller than I was and I could not reach him when he was at the top. But he loves a slide and he climbs fairly well, so it worked out all right. After we played on all the equipment, we sat down for a minute (literally) to eat. I managed to catch the following picture:

I cannot believe that he is big enough to sit at a picnic table!

The best part about the trip to the park was that it wore him out, and he is now napping again. Hooray for the nap time!

Touchy-Feely, um...Thursday

2011-05-19T09:56:00.000-04:00

Better late than never, right.

I have spent the morning following the baby around and shouting no at him, for various reasons. He would not take a nap earlier this morning, despite two attempts. This has not been helpful, as I am trying to get stuff ready to go, and I wanted him to be almost done with his nap by now. Not that he appears to be going down for a nap, anyway. At the moment he is in his crib talking to himself.

I found a mother's group I am thinking about joining. I may try an activity with them on Friday. We will see how it goes.

Dinner will have to be something other than what I planned. I realized that I do not have all the ingredients for a pork roast, so we will have to have something else. I will figure something out.

Because of all the baby frustration, I could not get to the gym this morning. I am a little annoyed, but I may try to go later this afternoon. The benefit is that I can charge my i.pod, so I can have music.

I get to have lunch with a girlfriend today. I am very excited. It has been a while since I have done something girly. So fun.

I need turn in some paperwork, and return my keys to the community college today. Maybe that is part of the reason I am a little grumpy. I will likely feel better after that task is complete. Then I have to pack away my papers and stuff.

I think we finally got a nap, as I hear no more chattering. Much to my frustration. This is totally the wrong time! An hour earlier would have been much better, because now we will be off schedule. Sigh. There are days when I feel like I cannot win.

Kismet.

2011-05-17T15:26:00.000-04:00

I was looking forward to this summer because I do not have to teach, and I can spend more time with the Little Guy. I was also thinking of trying to attend some mother-y type of things with my Little Guy, as I had more time during the week.

That got me thinking about how I could really drop the teaching gig. I do not need it, and it was causing me more stress than I really needed. I was planning on emailing the department head today.

But when I checked my email, I found an email from the department head that he would not be needing me next year. The message said it was because of "student retention and other issues." I choose to believe that it is due to budget reasons. They hired a couple of new full time instructors, and they do not need as many adjuncts. I was probably one of the most expendable instructors, so I was let go. I get the feeling that adjunct faculty gig may not be all that dependable, unless you have been doing it for several years and can teach more than one class and have any schedule.

Rejection always stings, so I am giving myself today to sulk for a bit about it. But it could not have come at a better time. I can spend more time with my Little Guy, and try to get him out more. Maybe I will pick up another day in the OR. Maybe I will look into a mother's group to connect with other mothers. I think I have been a little too isolated and it would be good to get out more.

I am giving myself the summer to figure it out.

Marriage counseling went all right last night. We have some things we can try, and it does not appear that our problems are too serious. Hopefully the suggestions work for us. Keeping fingers crossed.

Happy Monday.

2011-05-16T19:43:00.000-04:00

Sigh.

There are times when I hate Mondays. It just felt like the entire day was a bit off.

It was not a bad day, overall. Just off.

Spent my work day learning how to circulate cataract surgery. I had a nice surgeon who was great to work with. It probably helped that I had a little bit of a clue. I think I sort of got complimented on my circulating abilities by a scrub tech. She said that she rarely has to ask for stuff with me, that I just offer it to her. (It helps that I know how to scrub and circulate, so I can see where we are in the procedure and look at her table, and see what she needs.)

I got of work a little early, and got to get caught up with reading blogs, and then walked the dogs before I went to pick up the baby.

Baby got to sleep before 7 PM this evening, as we suspect that day care wears the little guy out. Then Hubby and I had dinner.

But there were two underlying situations that I was dealing with today.

My foot is killing me. I hit it on a chair last week, and it has not been the same since. I still have a small bruise, and a lump over a couple of my toes. Basically, I worked on my feet all day in pain. I think that would bring anyone down.

The other thing hanging over my head is the fact that we start marriage counseling tonight. For some reason, I am sort of nervous, and I sort of feel like a failure. Logically, I know that this is not a failure, and likely a sign that we have a healthy relationship if both of us are willing to do counseling to try to fix what is wrong. But I still feel like a failure that I cannot fix what is wrong in the relationship. I guess that is the nurse/fixer in me.

I know I will get through the counseling session tonight. And tomorrow I will make an appointment to get my poor foot looked at.

I hate Mondays.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-05-10T08:28:00.000-04:00

I still feel lazy. Now that finals are over, and grades are in, I can indulge in a little bit on laziness.

Still love the nook. I think reading all those dumb romance novels has helped our sex life. Hubby told me this weekend that there have been studies done which indicate that women who read romance novels have more of an interest in sex. I think he really appreciates the no.ok now!

I have been doing terrible with diet and water consumption. I am thinking of turning to behavior modification to help with this. If I drink two liters of water per day, and record my food on WW, I will give myself a sticker for completing those tasks. If I complete these tasks for an entire week, then I will buy a song off i.tunes. If I do it for a month, I will figure out a bigger reward. Maybe an entire album off i.tunes? That needs more thought, obviously.

Hubby and I have been feeling off lately. It does not feel major, but it still feels like we need help. I do not know if it is communication issues, stress issues, or if I feel dissatisfied, or what is going on. We are hopefully going to start marriage counseling soon, and figure out what is going on.

I think I may try to get involved in a centering prayer group again. I think I need that. I find myself getting antsy about the future. Having another child, moving further toward Blacksburg. I hate waiting, and that feels like where I am right now. There are a lot of things I can enjoy right now, and I am not doing that. I need to be more in the moment and enjoy what I have now, and enjoy the journey. Right now, the journey is important, not the destination.

The Inevitable Mother's Day post

2011-05-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

I think every infertile is conflicted about Mother's Day. It does not seem to matter whether they are not yet a parent, or currently parenting after infertility. We seem to have issues with this holiday.

Growing up, I learned that you always show appreciation for your mother on Mother's day. You make a card, and/or make a gift which tells your mother how much you appreciate her. You do special things for mom, like go out to lunch with her, or what ever else she wants to do. I usually had cards for my mother, my aunt, and both my grandmothers. They all were worthy of my appreciation, I thought.

Then we had years and years of infertility, and I avoided Mother's day. It was too painful to be reminded of a role I may never have. Celebrating mothers was like salt in a wound. I started hiding on Mother's Day, and avoiding the entire holiday.

Now that I am a mother of a young child myself, I would like to be shown the appreciation. But I still am not a big fan of Mother's Day. It is too much Hall.mark sappy and sweet.

I want the appreciation, but without all the sappiness. I often feel under-appreciated and it would be nice to have a day where I would not have to ask for the appreciation I want. It does not have to be much. The opportunity to sleep in, something special for breakfast, or the opportunity to eat a meal uninterrupted. That is all I ask.

I may skip church because I do not want to be a part of the Mother's Day hoopla that always seems to happen. I may opt not to go out to eat, because the crowds will be crazy. Mother's day is still a reminder of the hurt I suffered before I had Little Dude. There is still the memory of pain which interferes with any celebration I take part in. Infertility is a part of my life, and I cannot forget about it for a day.

I suspect that I will always have some conflict with Mother's day. I can only hope that over time, I will become more comfortable with the holiday.

Still here. Really.

2011-05-03T20:28:00.000-04:00

Just had a busy week last week and I am still trying to recover. Or maybe it is the end of semester taking its toll. All I have left is the final exam and grades. I just have not felt like doing anything lately.

I have also been addicted to my no.ok. I have missed reading, I think. Now I can read anywhere! I have dumb romance novels for when I am at home, and other stuff for when I am out and about. (For some reason, I read differently at home and out.) Currently I am reading a book about what goes on in our heads when we make a decision. It is pretty interesting. Apparently the emotion centers of the brain play a larger part of our decision making than we think. Fascinating stuff. I may write about when I absorb more of the info.

I am trying to get back into recording my food on WW. I did record my food yesterday, and I plan on doing today's food after I finish this post.

Not much else going on around here. Teething, fighting naps and bedtime. Still nursing. Starting to run, climbing on everything. He is cute as a bug, though I am awful about pics. Sigh. Really need to do better about pics.

Anyway, I am still here, just lazy.

Hopeless at Easter.

2011-04-24T21:01:00.000-04:00

We had a low key Easter over here. My parents had to go out of town, and we had no set plans. It was lovely. The weather was perfect, and it was just a wonderful day for a happy Easter celebration. I went to church. We grilled burgers for lunch, and then watched the Little Guy run around the yard. He had a great time pushing his new dump truck around.

Easter is about hope. It is about being saved at the last minute when you think the world will end. It happens in the spring, which is the perfect time to celebrate life.

I used to love Easter. It is such a happy and joyous holiday. It usually fell somewhere around my birthday, so I was usually happy to have the excuse to continue a celebration just a little longer.

And then I had the infertility diagnosis. After a few years of nothing, hope was hard to come by. I did not want to celebrate life. There was no hope for us, or so it seemed. Many churches focus on children during their celebrations. That was hard for someone who was unable to have children. I stopped going to church on Easter. I was to hard to be surrounded by all those children, knowing I would likely never have one of my own.

Then we got to do IVF, and I got pregnant. Maybe it was kismet that my retrieval and transfer occurred in April. Right before Easter, and its celebration of life. I did not celebrate Easter that year, either. I was busy trying to reconcile the fact that I was actually pregnant. I had given up hope that it would ever happen, and then there it is.

The next year, I was too busy with the baby to really give Easter much thought other than the fact that it was the baby's first Easter. We got dressed up and went to church, but I do not think I registered very much. Little Guy was only 3 months old at the time. Sleep deprivation will do that to you.

This year, I actually sort of celebrated. I went to church, we did an Easter basket for the Little Guy. (Well, Easter dump truck, anyway.) I actually had time to think about how I felt.

It does not feel the same.

It does not hurt as it did when I was in the throes of infertility. I can tolerate the children, as I have one myself. And I can get into the spirit of the joyfulness of the occasion.

But I remember. All the talk about hope and being saved at the last minute by a miracle fell sort of flat to me.

Hope is such a double edged sword. You need it to get through the dark times, but it can cause so much pain. Especially when you keep hoping and no one comes to save you, or help you. Hope can hurt, and it can cut deep. So many of us going through infertility have lost hope, or know that there is no hope.

Usually we hope that we are part of the small percentage of people who a particular procedure works for. When we did our IUIs, our chances of success were between 5-15%. That was higher than what it was when we were on our own, but still not very high. I stopped hoping with the IUIs. There was no way that we would be the lucky ones. We never are. So what is the point of hoping? It was better for me to plan on a negative outcome and protect my heart. IVF was the only way we would ever be on the same playing field as fertile people. That at least gave us around a 50% chance of working. I would hope with that. 50% seems like a better gamble to me.

So given my history, and how long I had to deal with infertility and lost hope, all the talk about hoping for a miracle did not resonate for me. I always had to make my own damn miracle, and I just know that there is no one coming to save me, so I have to do it myself. Hope can come back when we are doing our FETs for the next little one. Until then, I know that there will be nothing.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-04-19T08:34:00.000-04:00

Little Guy does not seem to want a nap this morning, despite the fact he likely needs it. He has been in his crib for about 20 minutes now, and he is chattering to himself. We have a sinus infection, and we are on antibiotics. I think he could use a least a little nap. But it may not happen this morning.

Nap times seem to be a challenge these days. Not sure why. I guess it is just where he is right now.

I got a color nook for my birthday. That thing is so cool! The kids books look great, I can get a nook app for my driod, so I can read where ever I have my phone. It even has a browser, and social networking apps, so I can share what I am reading on twit.ter or FB. I have not played with everything, yet. But I am working my way through it. I will sit down to read, and then get distracted by some function on the nook. It uses the driod OS, and the same technology as the ipad, so it works well, and looks great. Now I just need to get a cover for it.

Feeling better this week. Hopefully this will stick around. I do not think I could take being sick again.

I probably ought to get back to recording my food on WW. Sigh. It was really nice not to have to do that for a while. I will definitely keep jogging, as that seems to be working for me. I am not going to weigh myself this week, as it will probably be depressing.

I have added more jogging to my work out. I now jog 2 laps around the track at the gym, and then walk one lap. Not too bad. I think I am dong about 1.25 miles per workout. It is a start, I think.

The weather makes me want to get a jogging stroller and jog outside. Though I do not know if Little Guy would tolerate that. He is all about movement these days. That is the nice thing about the gym. He can play while I work out. I think right now, I am going to keep doing what works.

Rainy Saturday

2011-04-16T11:26:00.000-04:00

And it is rainy today. Most of us are moving slow.

Yesterday Little Guy had several episodes of vomiting, and so I took him to the pediatrician. Turns out he has a sinus infection. We finally picked up the antibiotic this morning and plan on starting it a lunch time today. We also kept him home from swim class this morning. We figured that getting wet on a cool and rainy day would not help him feel any better.

The best part is that Little guy slept until 7:30 this morning! I was stunned! Cannot say I feel very refreshed, though. Still feel tired and a little queasy. Not sure what is going on. Trying to stay hydrated and resting as much as I can.

My birthday diner last night was a Frankie Rowland's. It is a fancy steak place in downtown. The steak was amazing, and the wine was fantastic. I had a California red zinfandel, and then an Italian red Zinfandel. I realized that I drink a lot of American and Aussie wines because they are better to drink alone. You really need to drink European wines with meals. The Italian wine was great, but it was a lot earthier than the California wine, which was very clean and easy to drink. (If you could not tell, I am a bit of a wine snob.)

It was fun going out last night. It had been a while since I had gotten dressed up and gone out to a fancy restaurant. The best part was: no children! It was lovely to have an entirely adult evening.

Sort of nice to have a lazy Saturday. Better get back to it!

No go.

2011-04-15T07:25:00.001-04:00

I wanted to do a post on how cool it is that two years ago around this time, I had the retrieval which led to Little Guy. I think he was the best birthday present one could wish for.

But it appears that I will not be able to have much "me" time this birthday. Our weekend is rather busy, and all I wanted was to go out to dinner Saturday night. Unfortunately, all of our sitters are busy on Saturday, and my parents are out of town. Which means no date night for us. Plan B is taking Little Guy to the Transportation Museum then take out from somewhere and a movie after Little Guy goes to bed. (I am thinking Toy Story 3 from Net.flicks.)

I may try one more person, but I am not holding out a lot of hope for that to work out. But it is worth a shot anyway.

That makes me feel really bummed out. The one thing I wanted to be able to do for my birthday, and it is just not possible.

Sigh.

Update: Tonight worked out for a date night! I am going to take it, especially if that is all I can get!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-04-12T10:51:00.000-04:00

I got a morning with the baby today. I sort of enjoyed it, so far. My mother, who is still sick, decided to try taking him after lunch. Today I only teach in the afternoon, so she only needs to watch him a couple of hours. I think he will be a daycare on Thursday, though.

I tried taking the baby with me to Tar.get today. I think it was the fastest Tar.get trip I have ever had. He had no patience with being carried or wheeled around the store. He wanted to push the cart and wander up and down the aisles. Forget about going down the toy aisle. He kept wanting to take everything off the shelves and play with it. Sigh. So much for that. On the bright side, he went right down for a nap as soon as I got home. Really not looking forward to that morning nap disappearing.

When I got home from the store, our Dane Gertrude was not on the couch. I found her under the bed, and eventually discovered she was tangled in the cords from our lamps and clocks. She came out after I untangled her, so I know she is not hurt. It was a little distressing when she was whining, and would not come out from under the bed. Not to worry, she is back to holding down the couch, so all is well.

My body is going crazy. I have been spotting since Saturday. It is about to drive me nuts. I just wish it would stop or turn into full flow. Make a decision, already! This spotting crap is not fun.

Have not POAS yet. I am giving it into next week. Hopefully it will do something before then, and I will know something without seeing that negative pregnancy test. Because I know that it is going to be negative.

Decided to take a break from WW this week. It is my birthday week. My birthday is Sunday, and I deserve to do something to celebrate it this week. This way I do not have to count the birthday cake or birthday dinner. Though I made the mistake of getting on the scale today. I gained a few pounds, though I am guessing it is because I have not been drinking enough water. Really need to work on that.

Had my eval at work yesterday. Actually went well. I seem to be doing everything well, or better than well. I also had to set goals for the next year. I decided that orienting to periphery (admitting and discharging patients) and PACU (recovering patients after surgery) would be good goals. This job seems to be very similar to my first OR position, where I had to do everything from preop, to PACU. At least I will not be bored. I just hope I end up in OR or PACU most of the time. Though periphery usually needs the most help.

Off to make the most of the nap time. Gotta clean the kitchen and set up pork chops or dinner.

Purging

2011-04-11T20:05:00.000-04:00

Our fridge conked out on us this past weekend. Which meant that I had to get rid of a lot of stuff that was just hanging around in our fridge. I threw away a lot of old food. Stuff which probably should have been thrown out a while ago.

One thing which should have been thrown out a while ago is the folli.stim I had left over from our IVF cycle. I thought about giving it away, but never seemed to get around to it, and then it expired in February. There was really no reason to keep it.

But I did keep it.

Not sure why I I kept the medication. I guess it is the same reason I have not been able to throw out my sharps containers. (And I work in health care. All I have to do it bring it to work to dispose of it.)

I think it is a reminder to me.

A reminder of how hard we worked to have our son. A reminder of where I have been, and where I will have to go to have another child. We spent so long in the land of IF that I think it became part of who I am. I see myself as infertile, even though I have had a child.

It is a reminder of a time in my life when I struggled with the idea that I would ever be a mother. When I struggled with the idea that our family would ever expand beyond Hubby and me.

I think I do not want to forget about that time in my life. Seeing those medication boxes in the door of the fridge brought a little of it back to me.

Throwing away those boxes with their vials of medications pulled at my heart a little. Those drugs helped to bring my son into being. Those drugs helped me to become a mother. They were a reminder of where I have been, and where I left a part of my heart.

Touchy-feely Tuesday: Actually done on a Tuesday!

2011-04-05T10:34:00.000-04:00

Only because I think the entire family is sick. My mother is so sick, she needed to just take a couple weeks to recover. So baby is in day care today, and I get a quiet morning. It is lovely to have time alone in the house without the baby. I do not get that very often.

Baby is still waking several times a night, and only mommy will do, apparently. I guess that is what he is used to, but it is really rough on me. He is waking about three times per night, and I have to go to him every time. We tried letting him cry, but that does not seem to work all the time. He only gets more wound up.

I think I am starting to get a little depressed with how sleep-deprived I am. I hope that working out will help to counter-act some of that. I know that my thought processes have sucked lately, but there is not much I can do. He is teething, and apparently in a fussy period after a mental leap. Perfect conditions for sucky sleep, apparently. I am trying to ride it out, but it is not easy. Really hoping that this passes soon, and everyone can get better sleep.

Still have a mild cold. It just will not go away. I hope that it passes soon, too. I suspect the sleep deprivation is not helping. It would be nice to feel better by my birthday later this month. Unfortunately, the sleep deprivation and mild cold are starting to feel like my new normal. Not really liking it, to be honest.

I have started taking vitamins. I got a women's multivitamin, and I am taking vitamin C. Decided not to do the zinc, though. Just did not have the energy to track down any. If it is not easily seen in my regular stores, at this point I say forget it. I did decide to try a B complex vitamin. It could not hurt, anyway. No sense of any difference, but I did start a couple of days ago. Hopefully I will notice a difference over a longer period of time.

I have my cardiologist appointment this afternoon. It is scheduled for after my class. I may cut my class a few minutes short, so that I can get there on time. We will see. I will report later on what he says, but I doubt it will be anything earth shaking. I just really do not think there is much they will do for random incidents of SVT. But I bet I get a 12 lead EKG today. I also bet it shows a normal sinus rhythm. Maybe slightly tachycardic.

So excited about DVR. We (read I) started taping Dancing with the Stars. I sort of enjoy watching it, and Hubby does not mind too much, as there are scantily clad females of all different body types. (He is an equal opportunity type of guy.) The nice thing is that I can actually watch the entire thing, not just pieces here and there. It is also light enough for me during the week, and it is fairly entertaining. I have not finished watching last night's episode. I plan on finishing that up tonight. I will probably do the results show tomorrow.

Off to the gym, and then to walk the dogs before I leave for school. Hopefully working out will give me the energy to get through the day.

Working out

2011-04-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

I need to work some things out, so this may ramble a little.

This past couple of weeks I have not been able to get to the gym, I have not been able to walk the dogs as often as I wanted. Both of these activities are stress relievers and help keep me from going crazy, so they ought to be made a priority.

Part of the problem was all the damn appointments I had to get to. Plastic surgeon, eye doctor, PCP, hairdresser. I have more coming up in April, but they are spaced out a little better. I only have one in any given week. Those appointments took up my free time. I think I can really only make one appointment per week without losing my mind.

Another part of the problem is I feel like I have been constantly sick since about the middle of February. That is really getting me down. I have a mild cold right now, which is only marginally better than the cold from hell I had a few weeks ago. Then my period gets thrown in there every few weeks. Just to make me feel even more miserable. It seems like I get a few days of feeling normal and well, and then I get sick again. Or I get my period. I am really tired of it. I just want to feel well for while. Apparently that is too much to ask right now.

And then there is the sleep deprivation. Little guy's sleep has been all over the board. Most nights waking twice, a few nights waking once, and a couple of really bad nights waking every three hours. (Though there was that one glorious night where he did not wake up once. Really hoping for a repeat of that sometime soon.) And then he is awake and ready to go at about 6 AM every morning. Which means that I am up at 5 AM or 6 AM every day. I think I need a regular day to sleep in. I am thinking Sunday. I just want one day to stay in bed past 6 AM, even if it is only until 7 AM.

To walk the dogs, I think I need a better carrier. While I like my becco, lately I have not been as coordinated as I need to be to get it on and then get him on my back. I am thinking of getting a different carrier, one that I can pop him in and go. Like the kokopax, or this chicco carrier. I think I like to kokopax design a little better, as it looks a little cuter.

I may try walking the dogs in the morning. I have a bit more time in the morning, and it seems more do-able then. In the afternoon and early evenings there is a lot of baby and human care to do. Dog walking is not getting done in the afternoons. Hopefully mornings will be better. We will try it and see.

I need to work out more often. I think I need to go every day I can. Which has not been possible at all the past two weeks. Most weeks I have free time Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, and usually Sunday. It means running over consecutive days, but if that is the only time I have, then that is when I have to do it. Because I need to do it! I need to either work out at the gym or on the treadmill at home. One or the other.

It may also be time to start taking some sort of vitamin. I cannot hurt, and hopefully will help. Apparently I need an immune defense supplement, because I seem to get sick a lot. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. At this point, I am thinking a multivitamin, along with vitamin C and zinc. I know that vitamin c and zinc can help the immune system function.

So here are the three goals I have for the week.

Work out on Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Walk dogs in the morning Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Start taking vitamins: multivitamin, vitamin C and zinc.

Three goals are enough, I think. I think they are also easily measurable and achievable. Hopefully if I can work out more often I will have more energy and generally feel better. Walking the dogs more often will make them happier and more laid back. It will probably help me de-stress, too. I think it is worth a try.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

2011-03-29T19:57:00.000-04:00

Hopefully I can get this done quickly so that I can get ready for tomorrow.

Just not feeling it today. Probably because I am coming down with another flipping cold. I am sick of being sick. It would be nice to have at least one month off. The summer would be really nice.

Baby was up every three hours last night. Between teething and the cold, he has been pretty miserable. I am hoping he sleeps better tonight.

Baby broke his humidifier this morning. He pushed over the table the humidifier was on and cracked the part which holds the water. Pretty good for pushing it over on carpet. I guess he really did not like it.

I think I cannot put him down before 7 PM. He just cries and will not go to sleep. At least it is consistent.

I lost weight this week! Hooray! Unfortunately WW took more points away from me. Sigh.

Skipped going to the gym today because there was no time, and I was feeling a little draggy. I am not up for rushing anything today.

I am sure there are other things I wanted to say, but I cannot come up with them right now. Maybe I should move this post to Thursday, when I have a bit more time to write it.

Apparently I am not immune...

2011-03-27T19:56:00.000-04:00

It appears I can be as judgmental as the next mommy.

Hubby and I went out for a date on Friday night. (Not our usual night. We usually have Saturday as our date night, but our sitter was not available on Saturday.)

We went to our favorite restaurant, looking for a relaxing and good dinner. We probably got to the restaurant about quarter to eight in the evening.

There appeared to be children everywhere!

The older kids, I was fine with. Elementary school age and up, they can more or less be trusted in a restaurant, and probably enjoy an occasional late evening. I am actually looking forward to doing some later night stuff with our little one when he gets old enough. I was even all right with babies. Babies tend to be up late, anyway.

I was surprised at how many toddlers there were out and about. There were at least two there while we were there. (Though one was leaving as we were coming in, that was all right.) I kept thinking that they should be in bed, or getting ready for bed! Not out for a dinner with their parents. What are their parents thinking? Little ones need their sleep, otherwise it is no fun for anyone!

I think part of it was that I was out for an evening with Hubby to get away from babies and children. It was frustrating to encounter them on our night out. I kept thinking about our little one, and how he gets cranky about 6:30-7 PM every night. If we do not start getting him ready for bed by that time, he ends up having a meltdown. Not fun for any one.

Hubby came up with an excuse, though. Friday is the day that custody changes. So people were probably picking up their children, and taking them out to eat. Sounds reasonable, I guess. Still not happy about encountering a toddler on our late night out.

I am thinking that we will only have date nights on Saturday from now on.

Touchy-feely Thursday

2011-03-24T20:24:00.000-04:00

Way delayed this week. It seems I cannot keep a schedule outside of work and school.

Was very excited to get all of my grading done today. Now I have the weekend to relax and chill. Hopefully next week will be better.
I think I have spring fever, as I just want to lay around and not do much. I would prefer doing nothing much in the spring like weather we have been having.
Unfortunately the spring like weather has disappeared for the weekend. Sigh. Still do not feel like doing much.
Have started reading romance novels again. I forgot how relaxing it was to read. And I love how predictable romances are. Though if the heroine is too much of an idiot, I will not read it!
Debating a e-reader, as baby hates having a book over him, and the page turns distract him.
Finally get my hair cut tomorrow. Took me long enough to get it done, and it really needs it!
Our date night is Friday this week. I do not mind, and it may work out better sometimes. We will see how it works.
Really hating all the appointments I have lined up. I only have two times during the week I can get appointments in, and both times are filled up again next week. That is my only free time during the week, and I have to spend it in doctor's offices. Next week is PCP for a cardiologist referral/recommendation, and the eye doctor for new contacts.
Baby has been going to sleep around 7 PM every night, which is difficult for dinner for us. Hubby often does not get home until around 6 PM, which is after Little Guy's dinner and about the time Little Guy needs a bath. Which means that we do not get dinner until after 7 PM. Sigh.
Really hate having my period. Why does it always seem to look like a massacre at least once during the week?
I get a couple of deliveries tomorrow. I ordered a climbing play set for our little guy, and we are getting a DVR for us. I just cannot make the transition to Netflicks. We even have a Ro.ku box. Maybe because I am not that focused on the actual program? Too many choices? Maybe I am more a recreational TV watcher? I do not know, but I am just not into it.
Have to get caught up on chores tomorrow. Well, mostly folding clothes. Hubby does the laundry, and I fold it. I now have about three bags of laundry waiting for me to fold. I also have very few clothes to wear because they are all in the laundry bags.
I need to find my smaller sizes. I know I have them, but I have no clue where I stashed them. I wore a pair of khakis today which fell off of me. I guess I could also use this as an excuse to buy some new clothes. Hooray for getting into smaller sizes! I guess the WW thing is working for me. I just wish I could see more of a difference in the scale.
That reminds me, I plan on going to the gym tomorrow, too. I am totally digging running to Flogging Molly. They are very upbeat and keep me moving at a fast-ish pace. I really need to make a mix of my celtic punk to run to. But when do I have the time?

I think that is all that is going on here. Off to pick up baby toys then drink my medicinal glass of wine and relax before bed.

Reaction to a Reaction.

2011-03-23T20:49:00.000-04:00

Touchy-Feely post is postponed to Thursday. This is more on my mind tonight.

AF showed up yesterday. I started seeing spotting, and I just knew that she would be there in full force by the end of the day. And I was right. I figured she would be arriving soon. It was time.

My mother, on the other hand, was rather disappointed. She was hoping that my SVT incident indicated that I was pregnant. She should know better. I am never pregnant without a team of medical professionals. Give it up, cause it ain't gonna happen.

Not sure why, but my mother's reaction sort of pissed me off. I have had a decade of infertility, almost all of it off of birth control. If it was going to happen on its own, it would have already. She knows what I have been through to get pregnant. But she still hopes that it will happen naturally.

I am not saying it never happens. There are a lot of couples who conceive naturally after IVF. One in five couples conceive naturally after IVF. I suspect most of those couples are younger, and I doubt they had such a long period of infertility. I just seriously doubt that we will be one of those couples. I am getting used to that fact, and learning to live with it.

(Though I have to say I feel like my period is stupid as it does not seem to indicate anything to me. It is mostly an annoyance. And messy.)

I cannot hope for anything. It is just too painful. All I can do it wait until it is right to try again for another child. And know that that it is not going to happen in the interim.

Heart Trouble

2011-03-18T08:14:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday I had another incidence of supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). I tried getting my heart to slow down by itself, but it would not do so. I ended up calling an ambulance and completely freaking out my family. Fairly sure that it was not caused by pregnancy this time, as it is virtually impossible for me to get pregnant without a team of medical professionals.

Yes, I am planning on going to see a cardiologist as soon as I can. I do not know what they will do for me, though. My heart usually stays in a normal sinus rhythm, and this is only the second time I have had SVT. Also, it fixed itself on the way to the hospital. I do not think they will do anything much unless it happens frequently, and I am symptomatic, and it needs to treated with adenosine every time. I am willing to be checked for underlying arrhythmias, but those are going to be hard to find unless they happen frequently. And they probably will not treat it unless it is symptomatic, or SVT happens more often. Very frustrating. Not sure what to do. Just do not think that the docs are going to have any answers on this.

I may try to get back into centering prayer again. I have sort of missed the practice. I will try to do it when I can. It may not happen every day, but I think it does need to happen more often. I think there is a centering prayer group which meets on a Thursday night, but I want more info before I try to attend.

I also have a lot of appointments to make. Cardiologist, PCP (to get to a cardiologist), dentist, eye doctor, hairdresser, gyno (for yearly), vet (for dogs checkup and vaccinations), 15 month appt for Little Guy, and a couple more phone calls for random things, just to round things out. Makes me tired just thinking about it. I have already made a few of the appointments, but I still have quite a few left to go. It feels like it will take me a week just to make them all. Then there is arranging childcare for all of them. Sigh. I think I know what I will be doing during nap time this afternoon.

I start swim lessons with the Little Guy tomorrow! I am very excited about that. I think it will be good for him and me. This is the first class we have done together.

Off to the zoo this morning with my mother. Just as soon as he wakes up from his nap....

Touchy-Feely Tuesday

2011-03-15T10:05:00.000-04:00

Holy crap, last night was really rough. We were up until about 8 PM. Then we woke up from 10:30 to 12:30, and cried the entire time. Would not go to sleep anywhere but on my lap in the rocking chair. Up again at 2:30 AM, then 3:30 AM. At least I got to sleep in until 7 Am this morning. Trying to be grateful for the small things here.

I am crossing my fingers that tonight is a better night. I really hope he goes down a lot easier. I do not think I can take another night like that. I am still waking up at least twice a night to breastfeed. And he will not take anyone else right now. Hubby tried to take him last night, but he cried and wailed the entire time. Mommy is not happy and can use some rest. Not to mention, my poor breasts are feeling abused. Baby needs to sleep!

We tried co-sleeping, but he cried the entire time I was laying down with him. He only wanted me, and it had to be in the rocking chair. It made for a very frustrating night.

Baby is in daycare today, so I can have a slow morning. I still have stuff to do, but I am not hampered by the little one. I will probably go to the gym this morning, with the hope that it will help me stay awake this afternoon, so that I can teach. I am crossing my fingers that I can get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, baby willing. I have an OR day tomorrow, and those can wipe me out.

Was so excited yesterday when I got to scrub in on a couple of lap chole procedures and drive the camera for the surgeon. I have not scrubbed in for quite a while. I think I did all right, and the surgeon was wonderfully tolerant of me. I do not think I bobbled the camera too much. So excited that I got that opportunity to scrub! Hooray for using all my skills!

I signed baby and I up for swim lessons. They start on Saturday morning at 9 AM. I am looking forward to it. This is the first class I have signed him up for. I think he will like it, and I think I will enjoy getting out and doing something with other mommies. Also, we both like water, so the class should be fun for both of us.

I just downloaded a bunch of celtic punk music for my ipod. Flogging Molly, The Tossers, The Pogues. I think they will be good for me to run to, especially today when I am low on energy.

Trying to get back in to recording my food for WW. Hopefully it will happen, since Hubby is getting back into it, too.

On a slightly unrelated note. I really need to do a better job of staying hydrated. Anyone have any advice in preventing the baby from wandering off with my cup of water? I really like having large cup of water with a straw nearby so that I can drink from it. Problem is, Little Guy likes to play with the water, with the cup, and with the straw. Substitutions do not work. He knows the sippy cup is not mommy's cup.

Naps.

2011-03-12T07:53:00.000-05:00

I am really going to miss the morning nap when it goes. It is sort of on the way out, as there are some days when he does not need it at all. Just when I am getting used to it, it changes. Sigh.

He is napping now, and I am grateful! He will do so much better today with a nap, as he is not likely to get his afternoon nap before 2 PM this afternoon. We are going to see the local St Paddy's day parade this morning, and my cleaning person comes today. Hopefully that will help him go down well this afternoon. I am debating a trip to the pool this afternoon. I may try to run while I am at the gym. We will see what happens.

I suspect the time change will wreak havoc on his sleep schedule. It does not help that he is in the middle of a mental leap, which is also messing with his sleep schedule. Sigh. I just cannot win for trying. I hope things smooth out after a week or two.

Thanks for your comments on my last post. I usually feel better if I get out and run. I am better able to roll with things, and I think my sleep is better. I may consider the Drumstick Dash this Thanksgiving. I think some of my co-workers do it, too. We will see where I am at by the end of the year. I hope that I can be consistent enough that I can do it. Hopefully running on a regular basis will get my confidence up enough to try a race. We will see. I think I try to be perfect, and that is not something I need in this area.

Wishing everyone a great weekend!

Running

2011-03-10T13:59:00.000-05:00

At the moment, I am running from grading. I need to do midterm grades, but I would rather do this. So I am running from grading at the moment to do this blog post.

I have a habit that is actually good for me. I run a little. More of a jog, really, as I am very slow. I am not signed up for a race. I am not doing couch to 5K. I do not even consider myself a "runner." I do not run every day, but I do try to run as often as I can

I run at the gym around the track. I do walking and running intervals, and try to maintain good form. I am more about avoiding injuries and fitness than competing in a race, and try to use chirunning form as much as possible. (I think I have seen too many knee scopes and orthopedic procedures on runners, so form and injury avoidance is most important for me.)

I run when I can. Not every day, and I try to get at least one day in between to allow my knees to rest. Though I have run two days in a row and not had any problems. I also stretch at the end of each session, which helps, too.

Running is a workout I can do relatively quickly. It is not dependent on a time, like a class. I go to the gym when I can. The baby gets to play in the childcare area, which he loves. They have a slide and a playhouse, and lots of toys and other kids for him to play with. Mommy gets some time to herself, and she gets out of the house.

I want to run more regularly. Someday it would be nice to try to train for a race. I may consider a race when I am able to actually run more regularly and longer. At this point, I am just trying to run consistently. That is all I can do right now.

Touchy-Feely Tuesday, on a Wednesday

2011-03-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was just weird, so I did not get a chance to post anything.

Still sort of sick, though feeling more human today, for some reason. Hopefully this means that I will actually feel better by the weekend. Here is hoping, anyway.

Figured out that baby was not sleeping because of teething. Finally broke out the ora.gel, and increased the frequency of ibuprofen. That finally got us a night of decent sleep. Too bad I had to wake up at 5 AM this morning to go to work. It still felt good to sleep with only one wake up.

Went to the orthopod yesterday to get Hubby's knee looked at. No answers, unfortunately. Knee looks good, and there is nothing obvious. That got him really down, so he needed a lot of attention last night. Not much time for much else.

We are enjoying playing with roku. Hubby likes having all the shows available on Netflicks. And having it on our TV is really nice. Though it leaves less time for blogging and reading blogs. Both activities are important to me. Maybe I should talk about this with the Hubby. I think a limit of one Roku show per night would be good.

The community college is on spring break this week. Very strange not having anywhere to go the next couple of days. But nice.

I have not been doing well with WW. Have been horrible at recording my food. I meant to today, and just never did. Unfortunately, this also means that I have been gaining weight. Sigh. Really need to record food and get with the program.

Off to bed. Hoping for another good night of sleep!

No time for this anymore.

2011-03-06T08:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Cold Virus,

We have been together a little over a week now, and there seems to be no signs of you leaving. I still have a runny nose, fatigue, and some achiness. I truly feel like I am going to have this cold forever. And I am sure you enjoyed the visit from AF this past week, too. You two seemed to get along well, and enjoyed making me feel miserable for the past week.

I know you were excited to be with me when I got you within a few days of getting over GI Bug. The GI bug was slightly more romantic, as we were together over Valentine's day. In fact, it took me a week to fully get over him. I felt normal for a few days, and then you show up.

I really tried to take it easy with you. I moved slow all week, and tried to be as lazy as I could. I even took off a day of work and sent baby to daycare so that we could be together. Just the two of us. This came on the heels of me taking off two days of work for GI Bug.

I will admit that it is difficult as you spread your attention everywhere. The baby is spending time with you as well. I suspect that is part of the reason you are sticking around so long. We need to get up once or twice a night to tend to the baby, so I am rather sleep deprived at the moment. And now you want to spend time with Hubby, too.

And I am fine with that. But in order for you to spend quality time with Hubby, I need you to move on from me and the baby. You see, man colds need a lot of TLC. I think you will like that, and you will like it much better if I am more in a mood to give you the attention you deserve.

So consider this your eviction notice from me. I do not have time for you any more. I gave you a little over one week, and your time is now up. It is time to move on to greener pastures.

Yours,
VA Blondie

I want to be like this when I grow up!

2011-03-05T15:21:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the Marginal Arts festival downtown with Little Guy and my parents. We saw all sorts of unusual things. Huge puppets, people in strange costumes, a piano being destroyed, a star made out of ladders, a giant rat. He got to walk across bubble wrap and pop the bubbles.

He also got to see a few guys doing printing on the street. You could get a shirt made of anything they had available. They would print it right there for you to take home.

When I saw her, I knew I had to have her.

I love octopi, and I am a bit of a water baby anyway. So this was right up my alley. Did you know that octopi are one of the smartest cephalopods? How cool is that?

I think I want to be more like my octopus girl. Everyone needs a goal, right?

A no good, very bad week.

2011-03-02T19:42:00.000-05:00

And it is only Wednesday.

Both the baby and I have the cold from hell. It was bad enough that I called in to work on today (Wednesday), and took the baby to the doctor in the afternoon. The ped basically told me that he just has a really bad cold, and there is not much I can do. (Other than what I am already doing.) So we know I am already suffering from sleep deprivation.

On top of that, I got my period on Tuesday. Yes, AF decided she had to show up, too. Apparently she did not want to miss out on all the good times.

I received a text from Hubby while at the pediatrician's office. Good friends of ours are expecting again.

We had just talked with this couple over New Year's weekend, and they said they were thinking about trying to conceive. That did not take long.

That was just the icing on the cake for me. I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant women and pregnancy announcements. Having my period right now does not help matters.

So now I feel like crap from lack of sleep and a cold from hell. On top of that is jealousy and a sense of loss for something I will never have.

After a decade of infertility, male and female factor diagnoses, I am fairly sure that I am not going to conceive naturally. There is no link for us between sex and procreation. On one hand that is freeing. It does not matter what we do or when we do it. We can have fun. (Or as much fun as one can have with a toddler in the house.) On the other, it is sort of sad. I will never need to temp again. There is no need to figure out when I ovulate. There is no point to the 2ww, as conception in the bedroom is not possible. No point to trying any of that. I know that we will not be the 1 couple in 5 who conceive after IVF.

(Though if a miracle occurs, I will not complain!)

All of this makes my uterus feel a little empty at times. It still feels like a rejection when my period shows up. I feel jealous of women who get pregnant very easily. I will never have that, and that makes me a little sad. I feel a sense of loss for something that I will never experience. I probably need to acknowledge that loss and work through it.

I know I am not ready to get back on the roller coaster, yet. But I want to do it again at some point. I really want a sibling for our Little Guy. Right now, FET sort of freaks me out. Little Guy is not weaned, anyway. So it is not possible now, in any case.

I just want this week to be over. Hopefully I will make it through.

Touchy-Feely Tuesday

2011-03-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

Feel like crap. Baby gave me his cold, so I cannot breathe. Afrin is my friend right now. Problem is, it stops working after about 8 hours. Trying to wait until I go to bed to take another dose.

Just to make it even more fun, AF decided to show up today. I suspect I will be dead by the end of the week.

Even though I was sick, I went to the gym, anyway. I think it did help me get through the day, but I am wiped out now.

Only gained a pound this week. I will take it, and put it down to having my period. I also did not record food today. I only had the energy to teach and watch the baby.

At this point, I feel like I am just surviving. Hopefully I will feel better later in the week.

Off to fix lunches and then bed. Praying baby does not wake up a lot tonight.

Bloghop: Challenges in parenting

2011-02-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

Are You Listening is hosting a blog hop, and the subject seemed to resonate with me this week.

The subject is the most challenging part of parenting.

For some reason, the last half of the week was very hard for me. I had three long days the last part of the week, with very little time for myself. And then last night I was up every three hours with Little Guy. Not sure what is going on, my guess is that he is probably teething. It is still a pain in the ass.

For me the most challenging aspect of parenting right now is finding space for myself. Little ones can take up a lot of your time and energy, and you have very little left over for husband and yourself. When the baby is demanding, and the hubby needs time with me, I have very little time to recharge myself.

I do not know if it is because I had my child later in life, but I had a fairly good sense of myself before I had the baby. After the baby was born, it was a huge adjustment to make room for this demanding little person in my life. I had a hard time keeping hold of my sense of self immediately after the baby was born. The baby needed so much time and energy, all I had the time or energy to do was care for the baby.

As he got older, I began to make an effort to make space for myself. As I did that, I found I was more available as a parent if I had time to myself to recharge. I enjoyed him more. I played with him more. All because I was able to have some space away from my mommy duties. Going back to work was great for me because I was doing something meaningful to me again. It gave me space away from "being mommy."

Nap times are essential in this house. For mommy and baby. Naps are good for little ones, but mommy really needs that time, too. When baby does not nap, mommy cannot recharge. Fortunately, most of the time he naps well. But there are times when he does not nap, or he does not go down for the night very well. This is when I get frustrated. I can feel the loss of my down time, and I get grumpy.

I know that it gets better as he gets older, but right now it can be difficult to find "me time" with a demanding toddler underfoot.

I hear him waking from his nap. My recharge time is over. Sigh.

Touchy-Feely Tuesday

2011-02-22T12:14:00.000-05:00

I thought this might not be a bad idea just to check in with myself and see where I am. I may make this a regular feature.

I had the thought yesterday that I am happy. I guess that is a good sign that I am where I need to be. Of course, yesterday I was on top of things. I was able to take care of the baby and the hubby (who is slowly getting over a stomach bug. It felt really good. I love days where everything comes together.

Contrast yesterday to today. I have the blahs today. A trip to the gym helped to ward of most of it, but I still have the rest of the day to go. I feel guilty that Little Guy is at daycare today, but it is the only way to go, as my mother is still sick with a GI bug. He likes day care, though. I dropped him off, and he did not even look back at me. No crying at all. Hopefully class goes well today. I have a feeling it will be an uphill battle.

It is cold and drizzly today, and that is probably contributing to my blahs.

Every now and again I feel the emptiness of my uterus. I really want another child, and would love for it to happen naturally. But I know that it won't happen that way. There is something sad about that. I feel like I have to mourn that loss all over again. Right now, I am waiting on my period to show up. Probably PMS is contributing to my blahs. Maybe I should eat some chocolate. Might try that tonight.

Actually lost weight on WW! Hooray! Nothing like a GI bug to kick start weight loss.

Thinking of trying to make my own strawberry syrup for Little Guy's milk. He is drinking milk very well now, as long as it is strawberry flavored. The issue I have with store bought syrups and powders is that they all have RD 40 in them. It makes it look pretty, but it may not be so great for the baby.

Weaning is going well, if slowly. Often I can calm him during the day with a sippy or bottle of strawberry milk in my lap. I think he still gets upset a little when I do not whip out the boob, but he is getting used to it. Slowly.

We are teething. (I say we because it feels like a group effort getting through it!) And I think molars are coming in. Sleep has been hard to come by these past few nights as Little Guy has been up every few hours. Not fun. We are still breastfeeding at night, so it is mostly me up every few hours. I am sure this will pass, but it is not fun being sleep deprived all over again. Someday he will sleep through the night. Sigh.

I discovered a local playground this weekend. The weather was fantastic, and I wanted to get him out of the house, so I located a local playground. I think it will be a great place to go as he starts to grow. He already loves it, and I enjoy taking him there. A great place for him to run around and let off all that energy. Someday he will be old enough so that I can sit back and let him go. I look forward to that.

Why are are there no playgroups for children below 3 yo? I would think that mothers of very young children would need the interaction with other mothers, too. Having a child below 3 yo can be very isolating. It does not seem fair that you have to wait until 3 yo to allow them into playgroups.

I am debating limiting myself to one or two forms of social media. I am definitely keeping the blog, and I am debating the merits of twitter. I just want to be able to keep up with it and not have it eat up all my time.

Those are just some of the thoughts and feelings running through my head at the moment. These things can change any time.

Sleep, again!

2011-02-20T09:41:00.000-05:00

It seems to be another day from hell. Baby will not sleep on his own at all. He just fell asleep in my lap, and as soon as I put him in the crib he wakes up and cries. He is still crying.

He has been crying all morning long. He woke up at 4:30, and fussed off and on in his crib until I finally got up at 5:15 to change him. I tried putting him back to sleep at 5:30 after changing and nursing, and he went right back to fussing and crying until Hubby got up at 5:45. I woke up around 6 AM, and have been up ever since. We tried putting him down around 7 AM, with no success, only more crying and fussing.

Boy is tired and will not sleep. Mommy is wrung out and tired of dealing with a crabby baby. I am done. I do not have the patience for this today. He is going to scream in his crib for the next hour, but mommy is getting a break. I am done.

Torn.

2011-02-17T08:31:00.000-05:00

There have been a bunch of pregnancy announcements from bloggers who had IVF. These pregnancy announcements are naturally conceived pregnancies. I think it is great that they conceived on their own. I am very happy for them, and I know that they are over the moon.

But.

(There is always a "but" when it comes to infertility, isn't there?)

I want a naturally conceived pregnancy, too. I wish it was that easy for me. Some dreams never die, I guess.

For some reason, I know in my heart that I am not going to get it. I can feel in my bones that I am going to have to go back for an FET with my frozen embryos and eggs.

Right now, that sort of freaks me out.

Fortunately, I do not have to do anything about it. I am still breastfeeding, so an RE would not want to touch me right now, anyway. I also really would like to have at least two years between children, so now is all wrong anyway.

Try telling that to my heart. My heart is telling me that I want to do it again, right now! My head is telling me to chill out and hold off, it will be better later.

Someone tell my heart to shut up.

Do not let me do that again!

2011-02-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

I over indulged Saturday night. Really over-did it.

And sometime on Saturday I one of us picked up a GI bug, and it spread through the entire house.

At first I thought I was hung over. I was up a 4 AM throwing up. Not fun. Then Sunday I felt worse. Hangover is one thing, and is usually fairly tolerable, but this was something else altogether. I slept a good part of the day Sunday, and took off work on Monday and Tuesday. A good amount of that time was spent with baby at daycare or with the grandparents, while I had some quality time in bed.

I could not eat for two days. I could finally keep stuff down Tuesday afternoon.

The alcohol was great. I have not been that drunk in a while. And now I remember why. I do not think I want to drink that much again. Having the GI bug on top of that just made the whole thing worse.

I have a post or two rattling around in my brain, but no time to get them out. Soon, I hope. Before I forget them.

Day had not improved.

2011-02-12T14:45:00.000-05:00

And I am pissed. And taking it out on my keyboard.

Baby was up at 4 AM this morning wanting to nurse. Then he woke at 5 AM. By 6 AM, I was up. Baby has now had breakfast and is back down for a nap. But mommy is tired and crabby as she has been up by 5 AM every morning. Either with the baby or getting ready for work. All I wanted was a day to sleep in. Apparently I do not get those now.

And then he would not nap at all today. Not once. Which means that mommy has not had a break. At all. And baby has been crabby and fussy all day, no matter what I try. So not fun. I am about ready to scream. Unfortunately, baby is in the crib doing that right now. Notice that he is screaming instead of sleeping. Honestly, mommy had had enough. He can be crabby by himself in the crib if he is not going to sleep. I am done.

The only bright spot is that we have a sitter tonight, and we can drink. I hope like hell he SLEEPS tonight! I want a worry free evening!

How quickly it all comes back.

2011-02-08T06:25:00.001-05:00

I have a co-worker who is pregnant. She is still early in her pregnancy, and it is her first child.

I am happy for her. But...

I want one more. I love my son. I think he is beautiful and perfect and wonderful. But I do want another child.

I am jealous of how easily she got pregnant. It is not fair.

She probably got a surprise in a positive pregnancy test. I got blood draws and surprise beta numbers.

She did not have to work for it. I did. I got injections and scans and procedures. If I want another child, I will probably have to get more injections and scans and procedures.

She has a naivete I never did. I have a hunch she is not worried about miscarrying during the first trimester, or when the baby is viable.

How quickly it all comes back. The jealousy, the envy, the big green monster.

I am jealous of her naturally conceived child. Something I will likely never have.

When the cat is away...

2011-02-04T14:38:00.000-05:00

The mice will play!

Hubby is off with his dad this weekend on a hunting trip. It is just me, my friend, and the baby.

I just wish the weather would be better! I would love to explore local parks with him now that he is walking! I also have a sand table for him, and I wanted to let him play with it actually filled up with sand. (He actually likes it as it is, without the sand.) It is cold today and it is supposed to be wet and cold tomorrow. Sigh.

I hope to get my grocery shopping done tomorrow morning while my friend watches him. Maybe I will pick up same sand while I am out. Tomorrow night we are going to have a girl's night. I have a sitter coming over, and the girls are going to go out! I am pretty excited about it. It has been a while since I have done something like that.

I hope to walk the dogs today, despite the cold. I think they would enjoy it, and the baby does not mind the cold for a little bit. I think the dogs are going to get short walks today, but at least they will get walked!

Sunday, I hope to make it to church and the gym I think that should be possible. Maybe I will even try to catch some of the big football game on Sunday. We will see. I have no set plans.

That seems to be my weekend. Wishing everyone a relaxing weekend, whatever you are doing!

Stuff.

2011-02-01T18:50:00.000-05:00

Another bullet post of miscellany.

Yes, it was wonderful to get sleep last night. I hope I can get a repeat soon. Keeping fingers crossed, but not holding out a lot of hope. I bet he wakes up at 2AM tonight.
Hubby has me hooked on Big Bang Theory. Love it so much! It would not take much to put me in geek territory. Also, I think I have a crush on Leonard. So cute!
Gertrude is doing great after her surgery. She is gaining weight again, and she is not having any accidents in the house. She does not appreciate all the cold weather, though. She is spending a lot of time on the couch in between making sure all of her needs are met.
Baby is doing well, too. Walking everywhere. Finally had to get him shoes. I think I need to get him a better pair. I just bought him a couple pairs at Wally World. I think I can do better, though. Not sure where to look.
WW is finally working. I lost two pounds this week. And it took away a point for my success. Sigh. At least the scale is moving in the right direction, though. That is something.
Have to get ready for work tomorrow, and drink my medicinal glass of wine. Hope every one is having great week!

sleep, again

2011-02-01T12:15:00.001-05:00

So many of us write on sleep. Sleep deprivation does seem to be an issue.

We actually got sleep last night. Amazing, but true. Little Guy did not need Mommy once last night. I hope I have figured it out. I think he needs water. I started putting him down with a sippy of water, and he seems to like that. I put two sippy cups in his crib last night, and he let us sleep all night.

I think I forgot what 8 hours of consecutive sleep felt like.

Someday....

2011-01-29T08:06:00.000-05:00

Someday I hope to be able to sleep later than 6 AM. Baby woke up this morning around 5 AM, and would not go back to sleep. I finally got up around 5:45, because I could not take the babbling and fussing any longer. He was still tired. I probably should have put him back to sleep at 6 AM. Sigh. Hindsight is 20/20 or better.

I am still putting him down for two naps every day. Not sure if he really needs the morning nap, though it is fairly long when he does finally get to sleep. Both naps are usually 1-1.5 hours. So maybe he still does. I try to play it by ear. But it may be time to force the issue.

Baby's sleep has been strange lately, though. Two naps a day, and waking at least once every night. I think one of the night wakings is for a needed feeding, though. I stopped pumping at work, so I think my supply during the day is down. I think he may need the midnight feed still, so I am all right with that. Waking at 5 AM when I do not have to, not so much. So frustrating. And difficult to figure out when you are sleep deprived.

Sort of a rambly post. Just want to be able to get more sleep, and not sure what to do!

Drive by posting.

2011-01-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

Because of the bullets, of course...

I do not have the time or energy to do a more thoughtful post.

Very tired. Mostly because of an unexpected trip to the plastic surgeon. My incision from my scar revision is not healing as expected. On the left side of the incision, my boob pulls on it. I also pick up the baby on my left side. There is a lot of tension on the skin over there, so the wound edges did not approximate as nicely as desired. Not much to do now, except let it heal. Hopefully it will have fewer twinges as it gets better. One can only hope.
Hubby and I joined WW online again. For reals this time. We are keeping each other on task. Sort of. So I spend a lot of time recording my food. (OK, not tons of time, but it is different, and it can take a while sometimes.) I gained weight my first week, but I put it down to water weight and PMS, as I got my period that next weekend. (Let me have my illusions. I do not want to lose my motivation so early.) Hopefully this week will be better. I actually stayed on track this week, and tried to let myself be a little hungry.
I invited my mother over for dinner tonight as I was on my own for dinner. She provided dinner, helped me walk the dogs, and drove me crazy in the process. She was only here an hour, but it is amazing how little time my mother needs to send me over the edge. Not sure if it was helpful or a hindrance. They enjoyed seeing the baby, and it was nice to have dinner prepared for me. Maybe I should not have done that after a full day of work when I was exhausted...Hindsight is 20/20 or better.
I think I am getting more comfortable at my new OR job. The people are nice, and the pace is a lot different. This is my last week of orientation, and I think I am ready. Hopefully any new surgeons will not pitch a fit over having me in their room. I at least have seen most of them, which makes me feel more comfortable.
First test for my class is tomorrow. We will see how they do. The students are pretty funny. They are all in the front row, or the very back row. No one sits in the middle. Weird.
Thank goodness I can sleep in tomorrow.
Hooray for red wine and sleeping babies!

One year.

2011-01-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

Little Dude turns one year old today. Technically, he has already turned one. He turned one year old about 2:30 this morning. He even woke me up so that he could get a birthday nursing session in. I think he just wanted to be sure that I was not going to stop breastfeeding just because he is one year old. Too bad I was half asleep at the time.

We are still breastfeeding, though I think I could start weaning if I wanted to. I love breastfeeding my child. I think he likes it, too. We have played around with cow's milk, but he does not seem to want to drink it. I do not think we have put much effort into getting him to like milk.

For the past couple of nights, he has not wanted to breastfeed before going to sleep. He would rather play before bed than nurse. It makes me sad. I enjoyed nursing him to sleep. Now we play with daddy before bed, and then often fuss a little before going off to sleep. I guess it is a sign of the changes to come. Just when you think you have it figured out, things change.

The transition to one nap per day is not going smoothly. If I miss the tired window, it is impossible to get him down. I am beginning to suspect that the window is around noon. We missed it yesterday, and he took a shorter nap than he needed. Sigh. I guess I will try again this afternoon. Hopefully we can get a good nap before we go out to dinner with my parents.

And we are walking. All over the place. He is now walking more than crawling, though he still walks like a drunk. Weaving all over the place, holding on to things for support. It is a major change. He is beginning to look more like a toddler than a baby. By spring, I think he will be mostly walking. Which I think is amazing. He has changed so fast this year. The next big milestone we are looking at is talking. He will probably start that soon, as he is stringing sounds together and constantly babbling.

Baby is also starting to sort. He really enjoys his shape sorter. And he now takes all his cars and plays with them in the play garage. Does not matter is the car is part of a different set. He plays with cars in the garage, because that is where cars go.

As for me, I am doing fine. I get today off, and work Wednesday and Friday this week. The new OR job is going well. I find I am doing more ortho and ENT than I ever thought I would do. Ortho and ENT still does not float my boat, but I am enjoying the lower stress of the job. And it is a job. I suspect at some point in the future I will want to go back to the hospital. But not yet. And it might be a different hospital Who knows what the future brings.

Teaching is going well this semester. I have more nursing students in my class, and they are fairly motivated to pass. Hopefully I will have less apathy this semester. We will see.

On Friday, I had one of my keloids removed, and other keloids injected with steroids. Healing is going slower than I thought it would, probably because I cannot take it easy while chasing after a very active 1 year old. Ibuprofen is my friend right now. I have silicone sheets coming, which hopefully will help the healing process. And I go back on the first for another round of steroid injections. Hopefully this course of treatment will work.

Wishing everyone a good day!

Tick, tick, tick.

2011-01-12T06:02:00.000-05:00

Damn biological clock!

I just had #1 a year ago, and I have started to get thoughts in my head about #2.

I have always wanted two children. I think that is a good number. Not too big, not too small. I know that it is a lot of work, but hopefully not too much, as it is only two.

I am 36, and Hubby is a few years older than me. I do not want to put off #2 too long, because I do not want to be too old raising children. On the other hand, I would like to give us a shot at conceiving naturally. Not that I am expecting that, mind you. I expect to go back to the RE for #2. Natural conception is a nice fantasy for us, if nothing else.

Hubby is scared of having repeats of the health issues I had last time. That is a possibility, but it also might not happen. I am fully willing to be followed by a high risk OB, and get checked by a cardiologist, should I get pregnant again. I will probably also schedule a c-section, and not do labor at all. Which means I can pick a friend to go in the OR with me next time.

After all the trouble we had with the first one, I still want to do it again. But maybe not too soon.
I think I am going to not do anything this year, except not prevent. If it happens, cool. If not, we will head back to the RE in 2012. If I cannot get pregnant naturally, I definitely want to use my embryos and eggs from our first IVF. Hopefully that will make it more affordable, and give us the greatest chance of success.

Do Without Doing

New Post at the New Digs!

Taking Action.

Thinking about it...

Naptime battles. Again.

Touchy Feely Tuesday.

Saturday Night Musings.

Priorities

Touchy Feely Tuesday

Finally made it to September.

And this week starts with....

I give up.

Going to hell.

Purging.

I think I see the light!

Crap.

Touchy feely Tuesday

Seriously?

Energy Suck

Running with Babies

Touchy-feely Tuesday

some things never change.

Summer Camp

Touchy-feely Thursday

More Summer Camp Ketchup

My expectations were not met.

Can't sleep.

Friday Whine

When I was Young...

Summer Camp Ketchup

Summer Camp Ketchup

Aries TraitsAdventurous and energeticPioneering and courageousEnthusiastic and confidentDynamic and quick-witted

On the dark side...Selfish and quick-temperedImpulsive and impatientFoolhardy and daredevil

Touchy Feely Tuesday and Summer Camp catch up (sort of)

House of Sick

Reminiscing about my alma mater!

Everyday People

The Best and the Worst

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Summer Camp Day 11

Summer Camp Day 10

Summer Camp Day 9

Summer Camp Day 8

Summer Camp Day 6 and 7

Touchy-feely Tuesday and Summer Camp Day 5

Summer Camp: Day 4

Summer camp: Day 2 and 3

Off to Camp!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Feeling Bad

Lazy Day

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Hooray for Dads!

A lot can happen in 2 years.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

A boy and his dad.

Oh Happy Day!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Friday!

Touchy-Feely Tuesday, on a Wednesday

Rolling with it.

"Lazy" Sunday with a toddler

Touchy-Feely, um...Thursday

Kismet.

Happy Monday.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

The Inevitable Mother's Day post

Still here. Really.

Hopeless at Easter.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Rainy Saturday

No go.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Purging

Touchy-feely Tuesday: Actually done on a Tuesday!

Working out

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Apparently I am not immune...

Touchy-feely Thursday

Reaction to a Reaction.

Aries Traits

Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted

On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil