Trying to remember to breathe. (Rambling post, sorry.)

Trigger shot went fine last night. I know it is working because I can feel my body waking up. Tits are sensitive, butt hurts where the shot went in, and I am irritable (just to round things out.) IUI is tomorrow morning. Pissed work off that I would be over 2 hours late on Monday. Oh well. This is important stuff. At least to me and Hubby. Sometimes it cannot be helped.

I realized something today as I was sitting in meeting. I am really scared. I am scared that this will work. It is possible. (I think.)

As as I was sitting in meeting, I was reciting the Lord's Prayer in my mind, just to calm down. The one line which stuck out at me was, "Thy will be done." For some reason that did not sit well with me. Maybe it is because I am extra hormonal, but I am tired of dealing with the IF stuff, especially during the Christmas season. His will has not been so great in the fertility department, so it is not something I feel I can let go very easily. Now every time I think about the miracle of Christmas, all I can do is wonder where the hell my miracle is. I used to love Christmas. The magic and mystery of it all. I loved the Christmas decorations and the celebrations. Now I am just bitter about the whole thing. I want to believe in miracles, but it is difficult to believe in them when they never seem to happen to you.

My mind keeps drifting back to the lack of control I have over this whole process. The taoist principle of "do without doing" is rather appropriate in this situation. Unfortunately, I prefer action. Letting things happen sort of goes against the grain. I am really trying, but letting go is one of the hardest things I ever do.

Today is the first Sunday in advent. I found it interesting that I will start off this advent season with period of waiting of my own. I guess tomorrow I start that awful 2ww. I think this 2ww is going to be worse than usual.

Sorry about the rambly post. I needed to get the thoughts out there, and coherent composition is a bit beyond me at the moment.
Still trying to believe in miracles. Thanks for all your well wishes. I will let you know how things go.

BTW- Jess over at Life in the White House is doing a giveaway for the holidays. Go over and take a look. So cute!

Trigger

When I was little, my parents would take the family to Roy Roger's restaurant for dinner. They used to have this western theme which all of us really enjoyed. One thing I loved about going there were the high chairs. I do not know why I remember this, but I do. The high chairs were horses. I think they had little chairs and trays set into them. For some reason I really liked them. I think I thought of all of them as Trigger. (I think that was Roy's horse, so it sort of made sense.) Roy Roger's was not the same after they did away with the western theme. Sigh. Time never stands still I guess. (I apologize for any errors, my memory is imperfect, and I was vary young when this happened.)

Now I have a different connotation for trigger. We do the trigger shot tonight to trigger ovulation. My estradiol levels finally came down when we rechecked on Friday. I was looking at the instructions for reconstituting the HCG medication, and I was amazed. 2 ml water to dilute all that powder. Really? I think I am going to have to shake it pretty hard to get it all in 2 ml. I guess it will work. I am sure it has worked for others. It is probably just a manifestation of my nervousness.

Hubby has read up on giving IM injections. I am a little nervous about it, and I am trying not to spend time sending him links to youtube videos on how to do IM injections. Though it is tempting. I doubt I will be able to resist sending him at least one. Men are visual, after all. Hubby is also abstaining this weekend. He is definitely long-suffering. First he had to deal with me being irritable and puffy. Now he has to deal with both of us being horny, and unable to do anything about it. There is a whole lot of grumpy at our house this weekend.

There is also a sense of hope. Hubby mentioned something about a nursery the other day. I think he can sort of see where the nursery would go in our house.

Trying to keep fingers, and legs, crossed. And hopes up. Again with the lack of control. There is not anything I can do other than pray, and ask for prayers. I think there is something powerful about prayer, so I ask everyone to pray for a miracle for us. I would love to have one this week!

Coasting into Thanksgiving

Apparently my estradiol was too high again today. So I am still coasting. Sigh.

I had a Tom Petty song running through my head this morning as I was waking up and getting ready for work.

The chorus from "The Waiting" was really what was on loop in my brain:

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

I think it sort of reflects where I am at right now.

I knew going into this cycle that I was at the mercy of the docs and my body. I expected some waiting. Waiting for the eggs to mature, the inevitable 2ww after IUI. If I was paying attention, I should have gotten a hint about the wait I am currently in. My eggs have matured, but I apparently have too many eggs developing, so I have to wait for my hormone levels to come down. I was told I was at risk for hyperstimulation before I started the cycle. (Common with PCOS.) Coasting is one way to prevent overstimulation. apparently.

I sort of feel like I am at the start of a game or race. And the person in charge of starting is just messing with you. "Get ready.....get ready...psych! Ha, ha!" I think I have mentioned in previous posts that I am not patient at all. When I want to do something, I want it done now. I do not want to wait for it once I have made up my mind.

I understand why RE is having me coast. Intellectually, I understand that this is for my health and safety. I get that. I think I am more frustrated with my body for not doing what I want it to do. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. All I can do hang on and wait and hope my hormone levels come back in line.

At least I will have something to do while I am waiting. My parents are coming down for Thanksgiving, and I will cook the turkey. It should be a good day. I enjoy seeing my parents. Then I have to work on Friday from 11AM-11PM. Sort of a sucky shift, but I am hoping it will not be too awful. Hubby and I will likely spend the weekend catching up with each other.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving, and enjoy the weekend!

Coasting?

I think I may have responded too well to the Follistim. My estradiol level came back a little high. Because I have PCOS, RE wanted to wait to trigger. PCOS puts me at higher risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I am currently feeling bloated and full. I told RE that I felt like I was about to pop. When he did the scan, he saw maybe 5 or 6 large follicles on the right, and maybe 4 on the left. RE warned me that I may continue feeling bloated and full after we trigger ovulation.

So I have no more injections at the moment, and I guess we are just waiting for the estradiol level to come down. We are rechecking Wednesday, and I guess we will go from there.

Again with the waiting.

Sigh. Still trying to be patient.

LOL Monday

Sigh....



moar funny pictures


Mondays just suck.

I just cannot think of a title here...

It just hit me that I am likely to stim this week, at some point. If I could use a miracle, it would be this week. I will know more after tomorrow. (When they let me out of my OR room to go for my date with the cooter cam.)

Please, please let this work.

Just trying to keep breathing. And hoping...

So far..

So good! If the side effects do not kill me first. Apparently I respond well to the follistim. Better than my RE expected. So that is good. I have to go back Monday for another scan.

Going back for these scans is driving my workplace slightly batty. For those who do not understand how the OR works, I have to be at work at 6:45 AM, on a normal day. On days I am doing more technical cases, I have to there around 6:15 AM. Doctor's offices do not open until 8:30 AM. On Monday, I have a robot case. So, I have to go in and get the case started and then be relieved out of the room for my appointment. Fortunately, I think there are enough people in the robot room that I should be able to make the appointment, provided they get the robot docked at a reasonable time. The case could be long. It is posted as something and lysis of adhesions. I see the words "lysis of adhesions", and I just know that the case is going to be a long time. And it is a prima donna surgeon, to boot.

The side effects of the follistim are probably going to drive me nuts. I am tired, irritable, and generally washed out. I actually have shared what I am doing with my co-workers, and I think they notice a difference. They are all hoping that this cycle works, and we end up with a BFP. Of course, they tease me to no end about the hot flashes and crabbiness. They tease 'cause they love, but it is really hard to take if you are irritable. I am really trying to be a good sport, though.

I get the weekend without the hubby, so I can sort of get caught up on me stuff at my own speed without having to entertain him. I also get to meet one of my girlfriends this weekend, and spend the day with her. I am really looking forward to that. Hopefully I can sleep in some, and get caught up on rest. Working 40+ hours per week is really draining, in general. But with the follistim, it feels impossible.

Hot Flashes!

OMG! I had no idea about the hot flashes, y'all. Just to put it in perspective, I work in an OR. It is usually freezing. We consistently keep the temp below 70 degrees, so it is pretty darn chilly. And I was taking off my jacket and sweating! My glasses were fogging up! I asked a coworker if it was warm in the room, and she said no. I think I was having my own personal summer. I was really strange. The first time I have had a hot flash like that.

Today was a better day. I worked with really nice surgeons, which made it easier to be happy.

Tomorrow I have my vaginal ultrasound in the morning. I get to be late to work. We will see how my follicles are developing.

So tired!

I started the follistim on Monday. I give myself the injections at night. Taking the meds at night worked with clomid, and so I decided to try to continue it with the injectable meds. I have an appointment on Friday morning for a ultrasound to check my follicles. I will end up about 2 hours late to work, but at least they will give me a doctor's note. Hubby is going out of town this weekend, and he was worried about leaving. He was afraid he might miss stimulation. I checked with the RE and he thinks we may stim next week, and they said that he should be all right to go out of town this weekend. We will know more on Friday after my ultrasound.

I am really tired and spaced out, and irritable to boot. It did not help that I was in a stressful room today helping with robot cases for a new surgeon who has no finesse. Not fun. But I got through the day, and I am not playing with the robot tomorrow. I am working with some really nice surgeons tomorrow, and that should be really good day. Hopefully I will be less cranky. I think the follistim is not helping my disposition much. I am not really pretty when I am tired and irritable.

Hubby mentioned that he dreamed I was pregnant recently. I think he is really hoping this cycle works. I have a feeling that hopes are high. Right now, I am just praying for good sperm. He has been taking vitamins, and we are living in a completely different area. I think his semen was better here than it was in Richmond. I can only hope. Still trying to believe in miracles...

LOL Monday

I have started to become addicted to LOLcatz. I thought I would share a little of my addiction with you...

Also, I think we all could use a smile on Monday...



moar funny pictures

I hope everyone's week starts off well!

One Infertile's Prayer

Dear G*d, I could use a miracle.

You have gifted me with a good life, a wonderful husband, and caring family and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for. You have done so much for me.

But Hubby and I feel that something is missing.

This cycle I start poking myself with needles so that my husband and I can maybe, just maybe, become parents. I have already let go of the fact that getting me pregnant is not going to happen naturally. OK, maybe I have not completely let it go. It still hurts when I think about it. I understand that it will take more than oral meds to get the job done. I am willing and able to subject myself to all the poking and prodding that I know will happen during this cycle.

I am scared. All I can do is be present. There is nothing I can do to make a pregnancy happen. That really scares me. Using injectable medications is a big step for both Hubby and me, and we both really want it to work.

Part of me is scared it will work. The concept of being pregnant is unreal to me. I have a hard time thinking about it, so I just don't think about pregnancy and being pregnant. I have had a decade to practice this, so I am good at not being pregnant. All I can focus on right now is the next step in conception. I am more comfortable thinking about the cycle not working. I am familiar with those feelings. The depression which comes with the red tide every month, the emptiness you feel in your body every cycle. I had gotten to the point where I knew I was not pregnant, no matter what had happened that month.

Help me believe that this is possible. Help me believe that miracles can happen to me.

Away we go....

Today was cd1. I started this morning as I was getting ready for work. I called to make my baseline ultrasound appointment this morning. I laughed at the poor receptionist when she asked if I could be there at 10 that morning. I can barely get a break from work, and they ask if I can come in the same day. Bless their hearts. My baseline ultrasound is scheduled for Monday at 3:30 PM. I think I should get my drug protocol at that point. (At least I hope so...) Likely I will be low and slow, as I have PCOS and they do not want to overstimulate.

I told hubby to research doing IM injections. I think he does want to be a part of this, and is willing to do the trigger injection, along with making his deposit. We will see. I may just take the vial with me when I do the ultrasound and have the nurse do the trigger. I think he is sort of excited, too.

Right now I am coming off of two days of 12 hour shifts after a long week. I am really tired, and probably not very coherent. Maybe I will be more coherent in the morning after some rest.

I should know better...

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I do not talk about it much because I have known about it and lived with it for about a decade now. It is always just there. I take my meds and try to go on with life. I know what I need to do to feel good. Usually I try to do those things. I take my metformin, I try to work out, when I can. I make an effort to watch what I eat. When all of these things fall into place, I feel good. I am full of energy and I am happy. Usually around the time of my period I get tired and crabby and bloated. All the usual PMS things. The PMS is not as bad if I try to do all the things which make me feel good.

That being said....

Right now I do not feel great.

I think it is a combination of not taking care of myself and PMS. I have not really been watching what I eat. I have not been working out. I am expecting a period this weekend.

I have just been really lazy. With everything, really. Eating. meds, excersize.

I started running when I was in Tappahannock. I discovered chirunning, and I started running around my neighborhood when we moved to our current house. It only takes me about a half hour to get a workout in, and I feel so much better afterward. I have had a light schedule so far this week, but today is the first day this week I have gotten out to run. Now I work three long shifts in a row. I am going to be fried by the weekend. Thank goodness I have the weekend. I just know my period will come in the middle of one of my long shifts. That would be the icing on the cake. Maybe I should carry around Midol this week. (That may also help with the headaches from the surgeons... I think I am on to something. Maybe I should carry it around more often.)

I also have been eating whatever I want. Not good. If I eat less, and eat healthier, I feel better. I know this. But I have not been following through. I am not eating nearly enough green leafy veggies, my fruit and vegetable consumption is not very high at the moment. And I am eating way too many sweets and fried foods. Really, I need to do better.

I just sucks having PMS. I feel blue and irritable, and poor Hubby gets the brunt of it. He has put up with me all this time, and he is still here. I think he has the patience of a saint sometimes. I know it will pass. All will be better once my period gets here. So it needs to hurry up and get here, dammit!

The other thing my period heralds is the start of my first cycle with injectable meds. In a way, I really want the cycle to start so that we can get started playing with drugs. I know that there is a good chance that the cycle might not work. All of the clomid IUI cycles were a bust, and I am not sure how exactly this will help if there is poor sperm morphology. I am willing to try it a few times before doing donor insemination. It might work. I do not know. I guess anything is possible.

I am a bad girl!

I have not been updating this as regularly as I should! Not that my life is all that exciting, but my free time is limited, so finding time to blog and comment can be an issue. I think that is one reason I am not as active in the bloggy community as I could be. I guess that is life, though.

At the moment, I am just waiting for the cycle to end so we can start the medicated cycle. I should get my period in the ext week or so. I think.

I did something weird happen to me, though. One of my coworkers dreamed I was pregnant. I asked her if she knew I was about to start IF treatment. She did not know that fact. We decided to hope that her dreaming about me was a good omen. Weird, though.

I will try to write more tomorrow. I will have more time to be coherent.

"Sick" Day

I called in sick today because my meds for my medicated IUI cycle were being delivered today and that was the only someone could be home to sign for them. And they came in the morning. Yay! I actually spent a good portion of the morning dealing with medical stuff and various errands which I have been putting off. So my excuse (of having a medical issue to deal with that would take the bulk of the day) is not that far off the mark. And I got to get out of a really crappy shift. And I get to see Hubby this evening and not be tired and cranky. I do feel sort of silly taking a day off so soon after vacation, but it feels really good. I think this is the first or second unscheduled PTO day I have taken since I got off of orientation in June.

I do not know if I will post the inevitable picture of the fertility meds. It is just Follistim and HCG. Though the Follistim Pen is sort of cool. I hope I remember how to use it. Now I just need to wait for the inevitable period and get a baseline U/S. So far I really like my RE's nurse. She is great. I know enough to simply ask the front desk to transfer me to her, and I leave a message. She always calls me back. I think it is fantastic.

I hope this was not too rambly. Just really enjoying the beautiful day off!

Weekend Relaxation!

What a nice day to have nothing to do! I slept in this morning, and then Hubby and I went out to breakfast. He then left for a shooting match, so I have the house to myself. Bliss!

Last night was a bear. I do not know what happened, but we did seem to get a lot of traumas, and cases seemed to be more difficult for some reason, and surgeons kept posting a lot of cases. I had two lap choles go open. One right after the other, with two different surgeons. I was about ready to tear my hair out by the time I left. Thank goodness they did not need me after 9 PM. They told me to leave, so I left. I have a hunch they were going all night. Glad I was not there! I went home and had some red wine, and a chocolate chip cookie and went to bed. I was dead on my feet.

One good thing was that my eval was pretty good. I only got dinged a little for my attitude. (Damn cynicism strikes again!) Everyone I worked with laughed at that, for some reason. I did get a nice raise. Come December, I will get about 70 cents an hour more. That will be nice. It was sort of neat that I was missed while I was on vacation. I think people like working with me. Who knew?

On the IF stuff: On Thursday I left a message with my RE's nurse, and she ordered my meds for next cycle. My father in law wants to pay for it, so I am sort of waiting for him to pay before I get them. I figure as long as they are here by next week, I should be fine. At least I hope so.

Oh, and played with Google's Picasa, and I have a photo album of pictures from vacation. Enjoy!

Arizona 2008