Playing hooky.

I think this is all something we should do every now and again. I rarely do it, because the managers I have to talk to usually make me feel terrible about calling in. We are almost always understaffed and overworked, and they almost always tell me that they are slammed. (They usually are, but it is not my fault they are continually understaffed. They need to hire more people!) When I called in today, they said that it would be an occurrence. Oh well. I think it is my first attendance occurrence, or at least the first in quite a while. I usually do fairly well planning my schedule around doctor's appointments and things. This time I just needed a day off before I went crazy, one day off that did not involve doctor's appointments or housework. I was just not up for going into work tonight. Sometimes you get so sick of it, you just cannot take any more. I think it is better to have a breakdown at home than at work. It was getting to that point. My vacation is still a month and a half away, and I needed a break before then.

Dealing with my car this morning did not help matters. In fact, I think it gave me the push to call in sick. I took my car in to be worked on today, because the check engine light was on. Well, after about an hour and a half of checking, they finally found the problem, which took another two hours to fix. In hindsight, I probably could have rescheduled the repair for a more convenient time, but I think I was looking for an excuse not to go into work, so I let it go. At least I got my car fixed, and I got out of there for just under $500. I guess that is not too bad.

The other reason I did not want to work tonight was that I am going out of town tomorrow. I have things to do this afternoon to get ready for the short trip, and I would not have been able to do them before I had to be into work. Hubby and I are going to his high school reunion in Gloucester, VA. I think we are going to visit his family, while we are down there. I need to pick up the dog's shot records, drop the dogs off, and pack. I did not leave the dealer until after noon. I would have had to rush to get to work, and then I would have had to rush while I was at work. Not good for me.

We are trying a new place to board our dogs. It is a lot more convenient, and I think we are hoping it will work out. I figure it is better to try it out this weekend, so that if it does not work, then we can go back to our other kennel for the beach trip. This new place is a bit more free range than the other kennel, and it is cheaper, too. We will see how it works for us. I hope it works, and the dogs like it.

Off to run the last of my errands. And then I am going to relax and try to enjoy my evening off!

I have to admit its getting better...

At least a little better. I do not feel quite as bad as I did earlier this week. I have been reading Dil.bert cartoons before bed, and they have a way of putting things in perspective. At least as far as big business goes. (And my hospital is huge!) Venting to hubby helps, too. He has been a wonderful listener, and has cautiously asked about my days. I think he sort of gets it, and that makes it easy to talk to him. Apparently I am still doing all right at my job, if my co-workers are any indication. They still seem to like working with me, for some reason. That is gratifying.

I have signed Gertrude up for a good canine citizen class. I think she and I could benefit from continued training, and I like the time with her. I think this means I actually have to do the homework, though. The assignments in that class are pretty tough! I am just not up to dealing with Oscar's training, and I only have the energy to do one class at at time. Oscar could really use the training, but we need to do better with homework with him, too. I may have to break out the clicker again with him. He seemed to respond to that really well. We will see what happens.

But at least I am feeling better. I guess that is something. I still get anxious from time to time, but it passes, at least. And I get to see the Hubby every evening this week. Everyone likes that. Overall, a much better week.

Anxious

Don't know why, but I am feeling generally anxious about stuff right now. Especially work. I guess that is typical reaction in response to getting in trouble. But because I got in trouble, I am sort of wondering how happy I am in the position. I have switched jobs about once a year since I graduated nursing school. I probably ought to ride this out, and see what happens. Now is not the time for me to make any other major life changes. Pregnancy is enough of a change. Also, I am likely going on maternity leave at the end of the year, and if I switch jobs, I will lose benefits.

I think I will not want to come back after my leave is up. I have a hunch I could find something to do, it just may not be as profitable. Not to mention, there will likely be no benefits associated with the position. I think I will want time with the baby. As much time as I can get.

I just wish there was something I could do to shake the feeling of anxiety I am feeling. Baby stuff, work, insurance, and money are all things I worry about. I hate not having a plan. I hate not knowing what the future holds. I hate feeling like I am being forced to work after the baby gets here. I hate feeling like I am distracted at work. I guess it is all part of being pregnant, but I do not like it. I really like the idea of working flex-time at the hospital (if I can maintain good relations with my job). I like having control over my schedule, and not having call. But no benefits are associated with flex-time work. If I worked regular part time, I could have benefits, but I would have a lot less control over my schedule, and I would likely have to take call. Sigh. I do not know if there are any easy answers.

Neither hubby or I deal with change well, and having a baby brings a lot of changes all at once. Anticipating those changes is really hard. And how we feel will likely change as the pregnancy progresses. I need to trust that things will work out. That is really hard for me.

Funky

I am in a funk right now. I felt bad in general last night, and then I got called to the principal's office at work. I hate it when I do something wrong, and I am probably way harder on myself than anyone else. Positive feed back is rare, the focus tends to be on mistakes and scre-ups. I am trying to convince myself that it is not the end of the world, and I am not going to lose my job tomorrow, and things are not going to fall down around me. It does make me wonder if I am happy at work. I like what I do, and who I work with (most of the time). But I just feel really beat down defeated lately. I do not always look forward to going into work anymore. It always seems to be the same thing with management giving us more to do, and less time to do it in. I am trying to hold out until the end of the year when I will likely go on maternity leave. Maybe I should take a sanity day soon. Maybe things will be better next week when I go back to day shifts. I do not know. I just know that I do not feel happy right now.

My grandfather is in the hospital again. Apparently he has hepatitis from long term picc line use and long term parenteral therapy. Not fun. My grandfather still wants to fight, but it seems to be becoming unclear exactly what he is fighting. I think at the moment he is likely fighting liver failure, which can cause a whole host of other problems. Without the picc and the parenteral nutrition, he will likely not eat enough and starve himself. And then there are the antibiotics he is on, some of which probably should go through a central line. It just does not look good.

My mother has a catatact in one eye, and is coming down here for the surgery. It is cheaper, which is a consideration for them, as they do not have health insurance. My mom and dad are thinking of taking a week's vacation down here when she has the surgery. It may not be a bad idea, as they can get to know the area a bit better.

I have thought a bit about what I want to do after the baby comes. I would love to be able to work part time. I really like the idea of teaching a couple of classes at the community college, and working flex-time at the hospital a couple of days a week. I may look into that, eventually. I like the flexibility that would give me. But the problem with that is there is no insurance offered with either of those positions. Sigh. I wish I did not have to deal with that!

I which I could get out of this funk! Two more evening shifts, and then I am back to day shifts. I miss Hubby!

Thoughts...

So far, I am sort of liking the change in my routine. I can be lazy all morning, and it is perfectly acceptable. Today I am having a hard time getting off the couch. I think that is all right. I do not want to do evenings all the time, but for a week, I think it is all right. A nice change in my schedule. Eight hours is a whole lot better than 12! What a difference! Last night was sort of slow, which was nice, but I do not expect that to happen every night.

I did spend some time talking about pregnancy with a co-worker last night. She thinks I should take off as much time as I can. I agree with her. If I could take off an entire year, I would love to. (Hear that Hubby? If we can deal with me not working for a year, I would be very happy! Can we at least think about it?) Between the insurance issues, and Hubby's fear of loss of income, I do not know what will happen. My co-worker thinks things will work out, though. She told me that views change as the pregnancy progresses, and Hubby may come around to my way of thinking. We will see. I am sort of dubious at this point. I would love to have that year off to spend with the little one, though. It would definitely make things easier if I breast feed.

I was also thinking about the difference between a pregnant belly and a fat belly. I have bit of a fat belly, and it is a whole lot different than the pregnant belly. Fat can sort of work around your organs, so there is not a lot of pressure on them. Also when I gain weight, it is usually around my hips. It usually takes quite a while for me to lose my waist. With the pregnant belly, my waist was one of the first things to go. And I did not even gain a whole lot of weight as my waist started going! The pregnant belly pushes other organs out of the way. Pushes on my bladder, my diaphragm, my intestines. Which makes things fun, as I constantly feel like I have to go to the bathroom, and I get short of breath very easily. I also have started rubbing and holding my pregnant belly. That is something I never did with my fat belly. I can sort of feel things moving around in my abdomen as I make more room for the little one. I think in a week or two, I will likely start to show a whole lot more.

I recently went out and bought a body pillow to help me sleep. I love that thing! Our local K.ma.rt had them on sale for about $12. It makes me a whole lot more comfortable. It is able to go between the legs, under the belly, and I can hug it, too. It does look sort of funny in the bed. It looks sort of like another person. But it does make sleeping a lot easier. I am more likely to sleep though the night with it. That is really nice!

The start of another week.

Thank goodness I am done with 12 hour shifts and night shifts! I do not have any scheduled this block! I do have a bunch of evening shifts, but that is all right. They are only eight hours, and I can sleep in on the days I work them! I have a week full of evening shifts this week, and I am a little depressed I will not be seeing much of the hubby this week, thanks to my schedule. But at least I will be sleeping with him every night. That means a lot to us. And it is only a week. The rest of the block I am back on days, with only the odd evening shift. It was the compromise I made to get me off of 12 hour shifts and night shifts. The best part is that I am not on call at all!

Sleep is becoming elusive lately. Between going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and waking up too warm in the early hours of the morning, and the back pain, I feel like my sleep has been horrible. Lots of tossing and turning. I may try some things to help, but I miss my good sleep. I started wearing a sports bra to bed, and placing a pillow between my knees to prevent strain on my back. Helps some, but not a lot. Maybe I should just break down and buy a body pillow.

I cannot believe I am 14 weeks already. My maternity clothes are fitting better, because the belly is getting bigger. I went shopping with Hubby yesterday, and he told me that I am starting to look more pregnant. I guess that is a good thing. I realized that I will really be showing by the time we finally take our beach vacation at the end of September. Hubby just loves the fact that I look pregnant. I think he is fascinated by all the changes in my body. Though his favorite thing is still the growing tits. They seem to get bigger every few weeks.

Will try to post more this week. Hopefully I will have the time.

Almost through the week.

And I feel all right. Not working 12 hour shifts makes a huge difference! I am tired, but I think it is because my sleep has been horrible the past few nights. I think my tits are getting too big, and they are pulling on my back. I think this is waking me up because my back really hurts in the morning!

Not much going on this week, really. I am still here, and apparently still pregnant. I think Hubby was concerned because I had not updated recently. The other day, he mentioned that I had not updated in a while, and that I needed to do another blog post.

It ain't much, but I finally updated. I will do more this weekend. Really.

A restful weekend.

It feels soooo good to have a few days to go slow and catch up. Any shift on the weekend can throw me off. Especially a night shift. Thank goodness for long weekends to make up for lost time! And the best part is that I have no scheduled 12 hour shifts next week. Whew! That makes me feel a lot better! I do have a couple of goals for today. I need to get the bathrooms and the kitchen cleaned. I also want to air out the dog throws, if it is not raining. Though I may wash them tomorrow, instead. They sort of need to be washed. I also should pick up Hubby's dry cleaning. And while I am out, I may pick up more Bruster's ice cream! Just because I want to. Cravings, you know.

Hubby has almost gotten used to me bringing home odd things from the grocery store. I think he is sort of amused by it, actually. I think the reality of pregnancy has started to sink in, too. He has actually started to read up on labor. He reminded me the other day to do kegels. He really does not want me to have an episiotomy. That would likely make him pass out, and it is poor form for husbands to pass out in the labor room.

Another one of the ladies at work turned up pregnant. And for me, it just highlighted the differences between those who can naturally get pregnant, and those of us who cannot. The newly pregnant woman is at least ten years younger than me, unmarried, and she is all excited about it. She started telling people at 5 weeks. She could still miscarry the thing, though I doubt that will happen. Her stupidity level is up there, and apparently stupidity makes babies stick better. (From what I have seen.)

A bit of a rant to follow, you can skip if you like...
That girl has just made her life so much more difficult. Being a single mother is not easy. I know because I have several single mothers as co-workers. Of course, this newly pregnant girl wants to talk about pregnancy with me, because I am pregnant, too. I think I have a tendency to be a little short with her at times. She gets congratulations on her pregnancy, too, but it seems a little empty to me. She got pregnant as the result of an affair, and the father is not likely to make a commitment to her. The whole situation just seems stupid to me. Honestly, I think she just wanted to be part of the pregnancy "club."

Apparently, it still annoys me that stupid people get pregnant so easily. I do not think she deserves what she has, and I do not think she has thought past getting pregnant.

OK... rant over.

In other news, I started messing with baby registries online. I not have the beginnings of registries at Target, albeebaby.com, and Pottery Barn Kids. I was not really going to register at all, and use what people were willing to give me, and buy the rest. But I have had too many people ask me where I am registered. Apparently I have a lot of friends IRL who are very excited about this baby and want to celebrate it. A very nice thought, and makes me happy inside.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I feel used and abused.

After today I feel used and abused by my job. I worked 12 hours yesterday, and most of the day was fine. I had a fairly nice day in the cysto room. But at the end of the day I was thrown in an ortho case that was larger than I thought. Despite the fact I called, no one came to help me. We managed to get it started, but I was not happy about being thrown into a case like that. Then this morning, I my first case was a neuro case, and despite the fact I called, no one came to help. I almost cried. I know next to nothing about neuro, and this surgeon did things differently than the other neurosurgeons. I know more about ortho surgery than I do neuro surgery. I was not happy about being thrown into this case. And then to make the day even better, my lunch relief did not show up until 1 pm. By that time, all of the cases in my room were over. Nice. I was not happy. The highlight to the day was that they let me leave early. Sad statement about my day. I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow, and then a 3 day weekend. They asked me to work on Friday, but I said no. I need a break! I have been abused enough.

Basically all I have been doing this week is going to work and then coming home and collapsing. That is all I have the energy for.

I hugged Hubby this evening and noticed that I am farther away from him when I hug him. I think the belly and the tits are getting bigger.

Survival

I managed to survive the weekend. The 4th of July night shift was pretty rough. I was looking pretty awful by the end. The cases came steadily throughout the night. Mostly motor vehicle accidents from other hospitals. Mostly ortho. Sort of sucked. But I made it. I even made it in to work today, and I was scheduled to an early start room. Fun. The people who made the assignments have no sympathy. I suspect the place is run by idiots, but that is just me.

Not much else happened this weekend. It was really nice to spend Friday with the Hubby, and I rested most of Saturday. And of course, I slept a good part of the day on Sunday. My schedule the rest of the week is either 12 hours or 8 hours. But I do get a three day weekend next weekend. That should be nice.

Pregnancy stuff is same old, same old. Just still really tired. Sometimes I am queasy, but it goes away if I eat something. Which is helpful. Nothing really new, though. Same stuff. Though I am almost out of the first trimester. I will be 13 weeks on Thursday, so I am almost there! Soon!

Somebody stop me!

I think seeing the ultrasound on Monday really made the whole pregnancy more real to me. The fetus actually looked like a baby, and the ultrasound tech played the heartbeat. And it sort of hit home that we are actually going to have this thing. I also loved that 3-D image they gave me. Hubby was able to see that it looks like a baby!

Seeing the ultrasound also gave me permission to buy more maternity clothes. I have been doing the bulk of my maternity shopping on e.bay. You can find some really good deals on maternity clothes there. I keep putting in bids on things, like a crazy woman. I have not received anything yet, but I just won some things within the past few days. I bought some name brand shorts and capris for a whole lot less than buying them new. I also managed to win a wonderful pink shirt which says "Due in January." I know, sort of dorky, but I liked it!

Finally got my hair cut today. I had to do it, because it was driving me crazy! I had to cheat on my regular hairdresser, though. She only works a few days a week, and recently my days off do not happen to fall when she is working. While I was out, I got ice cream for lunch. I have been craving Bruster's ice cream, and finally decided to cave in and have it for lunch to day. Yum! I had an Oreo ice cream waffle cone, and took home a quart of chocolate chip cookie dough. For the cravings I may have later. (And in case you are wondering, I did not have any pickles with my ice cream.)

I have been spotting off and on since I stopped the progesterone. It sort of freaks me out, but I think it is par for the course, especially after having progesterone supplementation. I have had no cramping, Dr Sweetness is not that worried, and the baby looked great on Monday. (Which was very reassuring.) So I pretty much need to chill out. Things are going well, and the spotting can be sort of normal. Many women have spotting during pregnancy. I am not the only one, and things seem to be going great. No spotting today, in case people are interested.

Now I gotta go make my list and go do grocery shopping. A wife's work never seems to end...