It is very strange not to have anywhere I need to be every day. Every now and again I have doctor's appointments, or errands to run. (BTW - I finally broke down and called a day care center. I have an appointment on Thursday for a tour and to get on their waiting list.) It is strange not to have any place to be every day, but it does feel good.

I get worn out very easily, which frustrates the crap out of me. I ran errands this morning. Nothing very exciting, just a few little errands which needed to be done, and then I did the grocery shopping. It did not take me more than two hours, and I was exhausted by the time I was done. All I could do was collapse on the couch. I had no more energy for anything else. I was done for the day. It made me very glad I was not working. I would have dropped before lunch time.

We did get an exciting piece of news from FIL. He wants to pay off our mortgage. (Or as much of it as he can.) This opens up a lot of things for us. Wade is fine with me not working for a while after the baby gets here, but I am worried about insurance. I really would like to have insurance for our child. We make too much to qualify for FAMIS (the Virginia children's health insurance) or any other public options. And then there is me. Because my FMLA runs out in January, my benefits will run out in January. I could possibly get CORBA just for me, but that would leave our child uninsured. I am not that comfortable with that.

I have also been thinking about work.
I love being an OR nurse. I enjoy working with my co-workers. It is just management which frustrates the crap out of me. Not to mention the new electronic documentation program. (Just not really sure about that damn EMR.) I could go back to my OR job part time and still get benefits. Which could work. I could work three days a week, and I would be more likely to work less than 40 hours. I would have more time away from work and with the new baby.

I will likely still look at the open positions, and see if anything comes up. It may work out all right if I could work within my employer's hospital system. The trick is that I really want to work part time, not full time.

It is really difficult for me to trust that things will work out. I hate not knowing what will happen,

Holidays are here again.

This year is different for me. Expecting a child causes you to have a very different outlook on life. Last year, my holidays were filled with work and travel to family. Last year, the holidays hurt. Thanksgiving with my family was not bad, because no one else in my family have children. But Hubby's family was all about the chlidren at Christmas. How cute the babies were, and what they were doing for the children that year. (They stopped asking when we were having ours a while ago.)

Last year, Hubby and I had given up hope that we would ever have children of our own. It just seemed too impossible. After six failed IUIs, and IVF seemingly out of our reach, we figured that there was not much hope for us to have children of our own.

And then...

FIL said he would be willing to pay for IVF. That completely changed our entire outlook on things. I wish I could do something to express our appreciation. But I do not know where to start. He gave us a chance, and he gave us this child because of his generosity.

So my outlook on the holidays this year are a little different than last year. I cannot travel, as I am at the end of my third trimester. I cannot work, as my heart is already working extra hard carrying this child. (No one wants to see me have a heart attack on the job!) So I am left free to prepare for the baby's arrival and enjoy the holidays. I do not think I have ever been able to just stop and enjoy. I have always had work or school to compete for my attention. It is really nice not to have to work at the end of my pregnancy. I cannot stand for very long, my hands hurt and my back and hips hurt. Not very fun if you are in a physical job and stressful as I was.

I want to start going to church again. The first Sunday in advent is this Sunday. I have sort of missed the rituals of the Christmas season. It may be comforting for me. After all, Advent is a time of preparation. Very similar to what I am experiencing now. It would also do me good to get out and connect with people. I have isolated myself recently, and that is not good for me.

Whew! Glad that is over!

I survived the weekend. I am glad I went to the burial. I think it was helpful for my family seeing that there will be another generation. I have never been to Arlington Cemetery for a funeral, and it was quite fascinating. The military at Arlington have it down pat. We got the entire procession, band, caisson, and riderless horse. We even got a bagpiper after the burial service. And in case you are wondering, I did not walk behind the caisson. Hubby drove me out to the burial site. The one thing I wish I could have done was walk behind the caisson, but it was not possible in my delicate condition.

Now that the last travel weekend is behind me, I feel like I can relax a bit. I have no more travel planned in the near future. Except to the hospital for delivery. I noticed today that my shoulders are more relaxed. I even went on a small shopping spree at Target. I bought some baby things, maternity pants for me, and a couple of little things to go in my hospital bag. (Which I actually need to start packing. I may need it!)

The baby furniture is is put together and in the room. I have not actually made up the crib yet because I want to get a crib mattress pad (or two or three). Anyone have any thoughts on this? I may just get one at Target or somewhere and hope it works. We also need to wash all the baby things we have. Not that we have a whole lot, but it still needs to be washed.

I have also not done anything with the walls in the nursery. I figure one thing at a time. It should only take me a day or two to do what I want to do. I hope.

I have printed off lists for hospital bags, and baby essentials. Just so we can hopefully have everything we need for baby and hospital stay. Need to talk to hubby about some of this, and see what he wants to order online, and what we can get at the store. It may just come together, but it will take some doing!

Frozen

I feel like it is difficult for me to do anything. Everything is changing in my life right now and it really freaks me out. I am starting to feel better, when insomnia does not strike. Last night I woke up at quarter to four to pee, and never really did get back to sleep. I kept falling asleep all day. I am starting to wade through paperwork I discovered while clearing out things. At least something is getting done!

Being off of work can feel very isolating after a while. It is difficult for me to put myself out there right now. I tire very easily, I am due in a few months, when things will change a lot. I really ought to be working on nursery stuff, but I have house chores and errands which get in the way and wear me out. I also have one more family commitment before I am through traveling. I decided to put off applying for jobs because I cannot start until March, and I want to see how I feel after the baby is born. There are things I can do now that I am off during the day, such as La.Leche League meetings. I could also make more of an effort to go to church. But it is difficult when Sundays are the only day I have with Hubby. I really just want to spend that time with just the two of us.

Another thing affecting me is that Hubby and I are not sleeping together right now. (In both senses, I am afraid.) We do get together on the weekend, but I think both of us miss the nightly contact with each other. Hubby cannot get used to sleeping on the opposite side of the bed, and he really needs his sleep to function during the day. I do not know what he will do once the baby comes, but I guess at least he will be back on his own side. Both of us feel distant from each other right now, and it hard on us. Not sure how well either of us are sleeping. Hubby said that he would try sleeping with me tonight, just to see what happens.

My last trip during the pregnancy is up to northern Virginia to bury my grandfather at Arlington Cemetery. Hubby is driving us up there, and we are boarding the dogs. The burial is Friday. I am sure that is affecting me somehow, but it is hard to tell because of everything else I am feeling right now. My family is really excited to see me, despite the sad circumstances. I suspect the pregnancy offers them a distraction from grief. Going up there makes me tired because it always seems like everyone has something they want to do with me. My aunt wants to take me shopping for a glider, and then out to eat the day after the funeral. I will try to do it, but I told her I wanted to see how I feel on Saturday. I think that is fairly reasonable. It sounds like it will be a stressful weekend.

Doulas, scans, and stuff, oh my!

I tend to think of things in chonological order. So I guess that is how this post will be structured. I think I have a lot to cover.

Doula:
Hubby and I both really liked her. She knew what she was talking about, and we both got a lot of information. She left some reading material I have only started to work through. She put me on to a website called spinningbabies.com, which I thought was just fascinating. It gave all sorts of things you can do to try to get your baby head down. One thing the doula also suggested was spending time on my hands and knees. I have done that some this week, and it does seem to make me feel better. I have been having back pain, and just flipping over seems to help take some of the pressure off my back. I usually feel a little better after spending a few minutes flipped over. She also wanted me to think a little harder about epidurals. I am sort of hoping the tachycardia goes away before labor, because if not, I may end up with an induction. Just not sure what will happen at this point.

OB appointment/ultrasound:
Hubby really enjoyed the ultrasound. I knew that he would. This is the first one at this office he has been able to make. I was realy glad he was able to be there. Baby still looks good, he is delveloping normally, and as of right now, he is in the 51st percentile for weight. I also seem to be doing fine, with the exception of the tachycardia. The tachycardia does seem mostly under control with the beta blocker, as long as I do not do too much activity. Which drives me crazy. Oh well, at least I am resting. Oh yeah, I also got my flu shots while I was there. I got both the yearly, and the H1N1. Apparently, they just got the H1N1 vaccines in that morning. I think I am covered now. Not that I go anywhere much.

Car:
There were several things wrong with it, all of which got fixed while it was in the shop. And I got my oil changed. I got out of there for under $800, so it could have been worse. Now Hubby's car has to go in the shop. His car really needs work, too. Hopefully he will get it in soon!

Hair appointment:
I finally got the chance to have my hair cut and colored! It looks so much better! I did have a tachycardic episode while I was there, but with water, and the heat turned down, I got over it. My hairdresser was very understanding. I think she is fantastic! And she makes me look good!

I think that is about all there is at the moment. I spent the afternoon on the couch. I was really tired. I do seem to do better if I get a good night's sleep. Apparently, that was not in the cards last night. Hopefully tonight will be better.

Stuff....

Tonight and tomorrow a lot of things seem to be happening. I get to meet with my doula tonight. I am very excited about that. Tomorrow I have another ultrasound, and Hubby actually gets to go with me. I also take my car in to be fixed tomorrow. It has been stalling out at odd moments. I am hoping that all it needs is a tuneup or something else sort of minor. Hubby wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow, too. I think if I rest most of the afternoon I will be fine to go out to eat. We will see.

Will try to post more tomorrow or Thursday. Most likely Thursday.

Reality.

It was great visiting my parents. And the baby shower was really nice. I thought it was wonderful that they wanted to celebrate the baby, despite the fact that few of them have actually met me. My sister made me a Horton, which I will try to post pics of when the nursery is more together. He is fantastic! I also got some baby clothes, which made me realize that we are actually going to have to clothe the boy. Maybe I should work on that...

Right before I left, my mother wanted some belly shots. Unfortunately, she does not see very well, so many of the shots did not turn out really well. I sort of look like I am standing in front of a firing line. Not very pretty. Ah well. The things we do for our mothers.

I have my doubts that my parents will actually be moving down to Roanoke. They have a very nice life in Charlottesville, and they really seem to enjoy living there. The baby may trump a lot, though. I suspect if they do decide to move to Roanoke, it will likely be temporary. They may try to rent their house in Crozet for a couple of years, and move back after a while. Even if this happens, their move will not be exactly when the baby gets here. Fortunately, my mother is willing to come down and help us with the baby for a few weeks after the baby gets here. That should make life easier for a while.

What this all means is that I probably ought to start looking at child care arrangements for baby. Unfortunately, I have no clue as to what I will be doing after baby gets here, as I do not know if I want to return to my current job. (I am thinking I do not want to return.) I do not know if a new job will be full time or part time, and that could make a difference in child care arrangements. I guess I have some time, but I really do not like uncertainty. Drives me crazy.

My mother also mentioned that she wanted to do something about my keloids after the baby is born. I am a little frustrated with this. I have some fairly large keloids on my chest which I have had for years. At some point I decided that there was not a lot I could do about them, and I would just live with them. Anything I could do for them will not be covered by insurance, and may not do a lot of good anyway, because they are likely to grow back no matter what I do. I stopped seeing them and being bothered by them quite a while ago. Unfortunately, my mother and my grandmother are really bothered by them. Why, I do not know. As long as they are paying for the procedures and attempts at removal, I am fine. But it sort of annoys me that they are so bothered by what amounts to an overgrowth of scar tissue. Because that is all the keloids are. I guess I should not look a gift horse in the mouth, though.

I am beginning to feel like a small parade float. It is really obvious I am pregnant now. I have an obvious belly, and I waddle. Sometimes this is sort of neat. Other times, I just want to feel normal again. Someday...

Letting somone else do it.

Poor Hubby. I apparently have been rather needy lately, and he could use a break. Fortunately, I have an excuse to get out of town this weekend. Not too far. My mother's prayer group really wanted to hold a baby shower for me. They all prayed for me throughout my IVF cycle, and now they want to celebrate the fact that there is a baby on the way.

I think this is going to be my last solo trip before the baby is born. Charlottesville is only two hours away from me, so it should not be too bad a drive. I can take things slow the entire time, and then I can let my parents fuss over me. Sounds like a good deal to me. And Hubby gets a break from pregnant woman whining and neediness. Poor thing. And I get a break from the dogs. I may leave after lunch. I seem to be better in the afternoons lately.

I hope that Hubby will start putting the baby furniture together this weekend. Hubby's dad wanted to help with that, too. I do not think he has an excuse to avoid it this weekend!

Results!

Echo went fine this morning. My heart still looks good. Heart rate was about 108 at the beginning of the procedure. So, I am still tachycardic, but not nearly as bad as it was! The cardiologist said that the OB should be able to follow me from here, and there is no reason to follow up with him.

OB appointment went fine, too. I got a note keeping me out of work until the baby is born! Hooray! I do not have to increase beta blockers, and I can relax during my third trimester. That makes me feel better. I do not have to worry about going back to a job which was making me miserable while I am feeling the misery of third trimester! The best part is short term disability will pay until six weeks postpartum. Nice to know that is there.

My work has the worst FMLA policy, though. Because I am starting FMLA so early, it is going to run out the middle of January. My benefits will go through the end of the month, though. After January, I will not have benefits until I start working again. Hopefully I will start working again in March (at a different job, hopefully!). At least we have time to plan for the lapse in coverage. I hope something works out.

Now I get to look for work while I am off...

Another doctor appointment tomorrow.

Actually, two appointments. I have my repeat echo first thing in the morning, than I have an appointment with my OB later that morning.

I hope the echo comes back fine. I suspect it will, but you never know until it done.

I think I am more worried about the OB appointment. The beta blocker did help my heart rate some. It now only goes to 112-115 with activity, rather than the 12o-140 it was before. Definitely an improvement. I am a little worried she might increase it. I would rather stay at the lowest dose and stay off work. As long as I do not move too fast, and can sit or lie down when I have to, I am fine. I think I am at the point where I would rather be off work than have to return to work. Things at work were bad before I left, and I suspect they have only gotten worse with the implementation of the computer documentation system.

Hubby is worried that I will get bored after a while if I sit at home. He may be right, but I can look for jobs, go to La Leche League meetings, clean house at my own pace, and so stuff to decorate the nursery. (Just as soon as Hubby puts the furniture together.) There is also all the holiday stuff to do. There is Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, and lots of stuff to do for those holidays! I may not be all that idle!

Cardiologist visit.

Well, today was my cardiologist appointment. The lowest my heart was in his office was 97, when I was lying down for the 12 lead EKG. It was about 108 when I was sitting up. The 12 lead EKG looked fine. A normal heart beat, just fast. The doctor felt like the heart rate was a faster than he would like. He decided to re-check my bloodwork, just to make sure that I am not anemic. He also wants to re-do the echocardiogram, just to be sure that there is no disease process going on. He also wanted to start me on a beta blocker to try to slow the heart rate. He checked with my OB before prescribing the medication just to make sure that it was all right. I walked out of the office with a presciption for metoprolol.

I took one dose, and I can actually walk around the house without shortness of breath and my heart racing. I tried taking my pulse, just to see what was going on, and my heart seemed confused. (I take my pulse with the doppler on my wrist, BTW. A little weird, but it works.) It ranged from 90s to 105. Not too bad, and definitely better than what it was! I think I am able to feel the heart rate going up and down. Sometimes I am fine, other times, I can feel my heart rate increasing and I get slightly short of breath. I was glad that I was able to clean our bathrooms and clean the kitchen without extreme shortness of breath. But I have only had one dose. We will see how I fare over time. Hopefully my heart rate will settle soon.

Hoping..

Tonight is the evening before my cardiologist appointment. I would like one of two things to happen. I would like some reason for the tachycardia. Or medication to control it. Unfortunately, I do not see an obvious answer, and many of the cardiac meds are not all that safe to take during pregnancy. This may be a weird third trimester thing. So, it may turn out that he does not put me on any medication, and I may end up off work until after my maternity leave. I would actually be all right (mostly) with that. I am not all that excited to go back to work. The environment sort of sucked and they implemented an online documentation system I would have to learn how to use. I was sort of planning on leaving that job anyway.

The only issues I have are really this month. I would like to travel to Charlottesville this weekend for a baby shower, and I would also like to travel to Arlington to see my grandfather buried. After those two events I am fine staying home and not doing much.

I guess all I can do is wait and see until tomorrow.