Rolling with it.

I have been thinking about work, and work-life balance. I think it is something that most of us struggle with at some point.

The problem I have is that I am a rather driven person. When I was younger, I wanted to have a “cool” job. That job tended to be in the sciences. Doctor, research scientist, or something along those lines. Teaching did not interest me, and the only reason I got my graduate degree in education is because I was bored and cound not find anything else to do. Teaching was not “cool” enough for me. Turned out I am not too bad at it, but it is not really what excites me. Teaching is not a love for me.

Nursing interested me because it is in the sciences and is part of the medical field. I have been dancing around medicine. When I got my degree and started working in the operating room, I found what I wanted to do. My favorite clinical in nursing school was observing the open heart surgery procedure.

I really enjoyed most of the work I did at the level 1 trauma center, but it was stressful. You never knew what your day would turn out to be. Anything could come through the door, and we had to fit it in the OR somewhere. I loved the people I worked with, too. They are a great group of nurses.

After I had the Little Guy, I really needed less stress. That is how I ended up in my current job at the ambulatory surgery center. It is definitely less stress. And it is another great group of nurses and doctors there. I have opportunities to expand my skills into PACU and outpatient areas. And I only work twice a week. I have plenty of time to spend with my little guy, especially as I am not teaching now. I have more opportunity to get out with the Little Guy and meet other mothers. That is really where I need to be right now.

But... (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)

I feel like something is missing. Maybe it is because I feel like the work I do at the ambulatory surgery center is not as exciting to me. The work consists of a lot of “little” cases and does not feel as challenging to me as the work work at my old job.

The nice thing about my current job is that I have energy to give to raising my son. That is pretty special, and I am lucky to have the opportunity to do that. I do not have to work full time. I have a job I leave at work, and does have any “homework.” I have time to enjoy the child for whom we waited so long.

The current job is also better for me if I decide to go back to number 2. As mentioned above, it is a lower stress job, and they are likely to be more flexible if I need to come in late after monitoring appointments. Hubby is more comfortable with me in the job while I am pregnant with child number 2.

Another reason to stay in this job is that only one person in a couple should have the high stress job. Hubby is the one with the higher stress job, and he has less flexibility about what he can do. He is also the main breadwinner in the family. With me working part time, I have some time to care for him and the house, both of which are important to me.

So, for the time being I need to let go of my inner drive and enjoy what I have. I can go back to a more challenging job later. I have a good job, a lovely supportive Hubby, and a beautiful and happy toddler. Life is good right now. I need to enjoy it.

"Lazy" Sunday with a toddler

After a 2 hour nap this morning.  (I could not believe it!)  He got up and wanted to play with his new shopping cart.

 He loves that shopping cart. He has to carry everywhere.  Which translates to mom or dad carrying it everywhere.

I then got it in my head to go on a picnic at the park.  Sort of a crazy idea with a fearless toddler and no other adult, but I think the heat was getting to me.  He had to play on the playground and go on the slide.  He climbed up there all by himself.  I could not believe it!

 The slide was taller than I was and I could not reach him when he was at the top.  But he loves a slide and he climbs fairly well, so it worked out all right.  After we played on all the equipment, we sat down for a minute (literally) to eat.  I managed to catch the following picture:

I cannot believe that he is big enough to sit at a picnic table!

The best part about the trip to the park was that it wore him out, and he is now napping again.  Hooray for the nap time!

Touchy-Feely, um...Thursday

Better late than never, right.

I have spent the morning following the baby around and shouting no at him, for various reasons.  He would not take a nap earlier this morning, despite two attempts.  This has not been helpful, as I am trying to get stuff ready to go, and I wanted him to be almost done with his nap by now.  Not that he appears to be going down for a nap, anyway.  At the moment he is in his crib talking to himself.

I found a mother's group I am thinking about joining.  I may try an activity with them on Friday.  We will see how it goes.

Dinner will have to be something other than what I planned.  I realized that I do not have all the ingredients for a pork roast, so we will have to have something else.  I will figure something out.

Because of all the baby frustration, I could not get to the gym this morning.  I am a little annoyed, but I may try to go later this afternoon.  The benefit is that I can charge my i.pod, so I can have music.

I get to have lunch with a girlfriend today.  I am very excited.  It has been a while since I have done something girly.  So fun.

I need turn in some paperwork, and return my keys to the community college today.  Maybe that is part of the reason I am a little grumpy.  I will likely feel better after that task is complete.  Then I have to pack away my papers and stuff.

I think we finally got a nap, as I hear no more chattering.  Much to my frustration.  This is totally the wrong time!  An hour earlier would have been much better, because now we will be off schedule.  Sigh.  There are days when I feel like I cannot win.

Kismet.

I was looking forward to this summer because I do not have to teach, and I can spend more time with the Little Guy.  I was also thinking of trying to attend some mother-y type of things with my Little Guy, as I had more time during the week.

That got me thinking about how I could really drop the teaching gig.  I do not need it, and it was causing me more stress than I really needed.  I was planning on emailing the department head today.

But when I checked my email, I found an email from the department head that he would not be needing me next year.  The message said it was because of "student retention and other issues."  I choose to believe that it is due to budget reasons.  They hired a couple of new full time instructors, and they do not need as many adjuncts.  I was probably one of the most expendable instructors, so I was let go.  I get the feeling that adjunct faculty gig may not be all that dependable, unless you have been doing it for several years and can teach more than one class and have any schedule.

Rejection always stings, so I am giving myself today to sulk for a bit about it.  But it could not have come at a better time.  I can spend more time with my Little Guy, and try to get him out more.  Maybe I will pick up another day in the OR.  Maybe I will look into a mother's group to connect with other mothers.  I think I have been a little too isolated and it would be good to get out more.

I am giving myself the summer to figure it out. 

Marriage counseling went all right last night.  We have some things we can try, and it does not appear that our problems are too serious.  Hopefully the suggestions work for us.  Keeping fingers crossed.

Happy Monday.

Sigh.

There are times when I hate Mondays.  It just felt like the entire day was a bit off.

It was not a bad day, overall.  Just off.

Spent my work day learning how to circulate cataract surgery.  I had a nice surgeon who was great to work with.  It probably helped that I had a little bit of a clue.  I think I sort of got complimented on my circulating abilities by a scrub tech.  She said that she rarely has to ask for stuff with me, that I just offer it to her.  (It helps that I know how to scrub and circulate, so I can see where we are in the procedure and look at her table, and see what she needs.)

I got of work a little early, and got to get caught up with reading blogs, and then walked the dogs before I went to pick up the baby.

Baby got to sleep before 7 PM this evening, as we suspect that day care wears the little guy out.  Then Hubby and I had dinner.

But there were two underlying situations that I was dealing with today. 

My foot is killing me.  I hit it on a chair last week, and it has not been the same since.  I still have a small bruise, and a lump over a couple of my toes.  Basically, I worked on my feet all day in pain.  I think that would bring anyone down. 

The other thing hanging over my head is the fact that we start marriage counseling tonight.  For some reason, I am sort of nervous, and I sort of feel like a failure.  Logically, I know that this is not a failure, and likely a sign that we have a healthy relationship if both of us are willing to do counseling to try to fix what is wrong.  But I still feel like a failure that I cannot fix what is wrong in the relationship.  I guess that is the nurse/fixer in me.

I know I will get through the counseling session tonight.  And tomorrow I will make an appointment to get my poor foot looked at. 

I hate Mondays.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

I still feel lazy.  Now that finals are over, and grades are in, I can indulge in a little bit on laziness.

Still love the nook.  I think reading all those dumb romance novels has helped our sex life.  Hubby told me this weekend that there have been studies done which indicate that women who read romance novels have more of an interest in sex.  I think he really appreciates the no.ok now!

I have been doing terrible with diet and water consumption.  I am thinking of turning to behavior modification to help with this.  If I drink two liters of water per day, and record my food on WW, I will give myself a sticker for completing those tasks.  If I complete these tasks for an entire week, then I will buy a song off i.tunes.  If I do it for a month, I will figure out a bigger reward.  Maybe an entire album off i.tunes?  That needs more thought, obviously.

Hubby and I have been feeling off lately.  It does not feel major, but it still feels like we need help.  I do not know if it is communication issues, stress issues, or if I feel dissatisfied, or what is going on.  We are hopefully going to start marriage counseling soon, and figure out what is going on. 

I think I may try to get involved in a centering prayer group again.  I think I need that.  I find myself getting antsy about the future.  Having another child, moving further toward Blacksburg.  I hate waiting, and that feels like where I am right now.  There are a lot of things I can enjoy right now, and I am not doing that.  I need to be more in the moment and enjoy what I have now, and enjoy the journey.  Right now, the journey is important, not the destination. 

The Inevitable Mother's Day post

I think every infertile is conflicted about Mother's Day.  It does not seem to matter whether they are not yet a parent, or currently parenting after infertility.  We seem to have issues with this holiday.

Growing up, I learned that you always show appreciation for your mother on Mother's day.  You make a card, and/or make a gift which tells your mother how much you appreciate her.  You do special things for mom, like go out to lunch with her, or what ever else she wants to do.  I usually had cards for my mother, my aunt, and both my grandmothers.  They all were worthy of my appreciation, I thought.

Then we had years and years  of infertility, and I avoided Mother's day.  It was too painful to be reminded of a role I may never have.  Celebrating mothers was like salt in a wound.  I started hiding on Mother's Day, and avoiding the entire holiday.

Now that I am a mother of a young child myself, I would like to be shown the appreciation.  But I still am not a big fan of Mother's Day.  It is too much Hall.mark sappy and sweet. 

I want the appreciation, but without all the sappiness.  I often feel under-appreciated and it would be nice to have a day where I would not have to ask for the appreciation I want.  It does not have to be much.  The opportunity to sleep in, something special for breakfast, or the opportunity to eat a meal uninterrupted.  That is all I ask. 

I may skip church because I do not want to be a part of the Mother's Day hoopla that always seems to happen.  I may opt not to go out to eat, because the crowds will be crazy.  Mother's day is still a reminder of the hurt I suffered before I had Little Dude.  There is still the memory of pain which interferes with any celebration I take part in.  Infertility is a part of my life, and I cannot forget about it for a day.

I suspect that I will always have some conflict with Mother's day.  I can only hope that over time, I will become more comfortable with the holiday.

Still here. Really.

Just had a busy week last week and I am still trying to recover.  Or maybe it is the end of semester taking its toll.  All I have left is the final exam and grades.  I just have not felt like doing anything lately.

I have also been addicted to my no.ok.  I have missed reading, I think.  Now I can read anywhere!  I have dumb romance novels for when I am at home, and other stuff for when I am out and about.  (For some reason, I read differently at home and out.)  Currently I am reading a book about what goes on in our heads when we make a decision.  It is pretty interesting.  Apparently the emotion centers of the brain play a larger part of our decision making than we think.  Fascinating stuff.  I may write about when I absorb more of the info.

I am trying to get back into recording my food on WW.  I did record my food yesterday, and I plan on doing today's food after I finish this post. 

Not much else going on around here.  Teething, fighting naps and bedtime.  Still nursing.  Starting to run, climbing on everything.  He is cute as a bug, though I am awful about pics.  Sigh.  Really need to do better about pics.

Anyway, I am still here, just lazy.