Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Inevitable.
My dad just called me. (Yes, at 5:30 AM! I was up anyway, getting ready for work.) My grandfather has passed away. I suspect he held on just long enough to die at home. I hope it was peaceful for him.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Want to hide.
Crappy day at work today, and I am totally wiped out. After days like that, I really wish I could drink. Sigh. But maybe I will have a dove bar later. Small consolation, though.
My grandfather did make it home with hospice care. The hospice nurses place him in the later stages of dying. He is not really responsive, and his breathing is slow and raspy. My mother decided to stay up at my grandparents for the duration. Apparently my grandmother is doing better than she thought. My dad and my sister are going up to visit my grandparents tomorrow. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to go up this weekend. I guess I will see what the next couple of days bring.
Thank you all for keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all the nice comments and support. It means a lot.
My grandfather did make it home with hospice care. The hospice nurses place him in the later stages of dying. He is not really responsive, and his breathing is slow and raspy. My mother decided to stay up at my grandparents for the duration. Apparently my grandmother is doing better than she thought. My dad and my sister are going up to visit my grandparents tomorrow. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to go up this weekend. I guess I will see what the next couple of days bring.
Thank you all for keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all the nice comments and support. It means a lot.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sigh.
My mother called tonight. Apparently my grandfather does not have a lot of time left. My mother told me the hospice nurse said that he may not even be able to make it home. How true that is remains to be seen. My mother has a tendency to exaggerate. Though my grandmother did deny the situation for so long that it could be true. My grandfather is not doing well at all. Hospice is setting up a bed at my grandparent's house for him, should he be able to make it home. And I hope he does get home, at least to die.
My mother is going up to Reston tomorrow. By herself. I think it is great that she is going up there to be with him and my grandmother. My grandmother is going crazy at the thought of losing my grandfather. She has not been without my grandfather is several decades. No wonder my grandmother is going a little nuts.
Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a tough situation all around. And I am stuck here because I have to work. On the other side of the state.
My mother is going up to Reston tomorrow. By herself. I think it is great that she is going up there to be with him and my grandmother. My grandmother is going crazy at the thought of losing my grandfather. She has not been without my grandfather is several decades. No wonder my grandmother is going a little nuts.
Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a tough situation all around. And I am stuck here because I have to work. On the other side of the state.
Monday, August 24, 2009
LIfe and Death
I finally have my computer back. And I have a working m key and punctuation. Actually, an entire new keyboard on my laptop. It is a beautiful thing. Hubby and I are much more comfortable as a two computer family. I can blog and Hubby can surf his own internets. We are much happier, and I will hopefully be more productive on my blog. We will see. I have a lot of 10 hour shifts the rest of this block, and they wear me out.
My 20 week anatomy ultrasound was this morning. I seem to have a healthy baby. And it is a boy! Clear as day. We got a great shot from the rear end, and the boy parts were clear as day. Will post pics later this week. (Likely on the weekend, so just be patient.) Hubby took the afternoon off because he knew he would not be able to concentrate. He is excited about having a boy. Well, I think he is excited to have a healthy baby, but he was just bursting to tell everyone the news. My family is all excited. This is my parent's first grandchild. My dad is really excited about the boy. I have no male siblings, so my dad will likely want to do all the boy things he missed out on. I think MIL was hoping for a girl. She already has several grandsons. She is still happy for us, though. She gets another grandchild.
I finally talked to my grandmother today, too. She is happy for us, but she is busy caring for my grandfather as he dies. She is very excited about the baby. I think she uses as a distraction. My grandfather has been very sick. In pain, and vomiting constantly. It does not look good. I heard from my mother that she finally is looking into hospice. I think this may actually be true. Apparently, they are going home tomorrow. She mentioned converting an alcove in their bedroom to make space for a hospital bed. I hope this means that my grandfather will be able to die at home.
Talking to my grandmother today made me think about how cyclical life is. I am not sure how I want to say this. I am losing my grandfather, but we are gaining the next generation of the family. A loss and a gain. Happening at the same time. Maybe they will cancel each other out a little, but there will still be grieving for the loss of a family member. And there will also be happiness about the new life. My family may feel pulled in two different directions as they mourn the loss of my grandfather, and welcome a new life. Definitely a bittersweet feeling. I may blog more on this as my thoughts come together.
My 20 week anatomy ultrasound was this morning. I seem to have a healthy baby. And it is a boy! Clear as day. We got a great shot from the rear end, and the boy parts were clear as day. Will post pics later this week. (Likely on the weekend, so just be patient.) Hubby took the afternoon off because he knew he would not be able to concentrate. He is excited about having a boy. Well, I think he is excited to have a healthy baby, but he was just bursting to tell everyone the news. My family is all excited. This is my parent's first grandchild. My dad is really excited about the boy. I have no male siblings, so my dad will likely want to do all the boy things he missed out on. I think MIL was hoping for a girl. She already has several grandsons. She is still happy for us, though. She gets another grandchild.
I finally talked to my grandmother today, too. She is happy for us, but she is busy caring for my grandfather as he dies. She is very excited about the baby. I think she uses as a distraction. My grandfather has been very sick. In pain, and vomiting constantly. It does not look good. I heard from my mother that she finally is looking into hospice. I think this may actually be true. Apparently, they are going home tomorrow. She mentioned converting an alcove in their bedroom to make space for a hospital bed. I hope this means that my grandfather will be able to die at home.
Talking to my grandmother today made me think about how cyclical life is. I am not sure how I want to say this. I am losing my grandfather, but we are gaining the next generation of the family. A loss and a gain. Happening at the same time. Maybe they will cancel each other out a little, but there will still be grieving for the loss of a family member. And there will also be happiness about the new life. My family may feel pulled in two different directions as they mourn the loss of my grandfather, and welcome a new life. Definitely a bittersweet feeling. I may blog more on this as my thoughts come together.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Sunny day, with a few clouds.
I survived the week. Again. Thank goodness. And I got paid on Friday. Even better! And I now have enough PTO to take a vacation in September. That is the best!
It is a sunny day today, though it is humid and slightly overcast. I think that sort of describes how I feel right now. Things seem to be going well, with everything, really. Though there is a dark cloud on the horizon.
My job is still there. No talk of firing me. The only counseling I got recently was for 4 attendance occurrences so far this year. Personally, I think that is pretty good, considering I went through at least 1 IUI, and one IVF cycle. I could have been out a lot more.
Things also seem to be going well with the pregnancy. I feel more confident about it every week. My next ultrasound is Monday, and I am really exited to get another look at the little one. I am more comfortable being open about being pregnant. Most people at work know that I am pregnant, so they watch out for me as much as possible. That is really nice. I rented a doppler so that Hubby and I could listen to the heartbeat whenever we want. That is probably one of the best things I did. It is very reassuring for us when we hear the baby's heartbeat. Also, I finally broke down and went to a Mother.hood store. My shape is just getting too round. The salesperson in the store knew immediately that I needed clothes. It was obvious that I was pregnant, and I think my shirt fit funny. I discovered I love Mother.hood. Finally, maternity clothes which look nice, and I can wear out with my husband! I think I will be back there again as it gets cooler!
We finally started clearing out our basement! Hubby put up storage shelving, and I unpacked a few boxes. Well, I mainly unpacked my china. I like having it easily accessible, if I need it. It also motivated us to purge, some. I got rid of a few things. Though I really tried to purge before we moved. There is still more work to do down there, but at least we got started!
My computer is ready to be picked up, and I will likely pick it up on Monday. I am very excited to have my own computer back. No more computer sharing!
Our dogs are being really obnoxious right now. We suspect there is a female in heat somewhere in our neighborhood. Oscar has been very fixated on Gertrude. (Remember that Oscar is intact, and Gertrude has no girly parts, and has never gone into heat.) Oscar has been following Gertrude around and licking her rear end. He has also attempted to mount her, though not very forcefully. (Thank goodness for small favors!) Mostly he puts his head on her back and humps the air. Gertrude will snap at him if he gets on her nerves.
We tried putting vick's vapor rub on his nose, but he just licks it off and goes back to pursuing Gertrude. I tried putting the vick's on Gertrude, but that does not seem to curb the behavior, either. I hope it is passing. He did fine on our walk today, and is more willing to leave Gertrude alone. Keep fingers crossed that it will pass soon. I want our mellow boy back!
The only really dark cloud is my grandfather. He is now on a PCU (a monitored unit), not the med-surg floor he is usually admitted to. I suspect his liver and kidney issues are getting more serious. At the moment, I do not have a lot of info other than he is admitted to the PCU. And that does not sound good.
But at least I have a distraction tonight! My favorite band is at my favorite bar, and I am meeting a great friend. Should be a good evening! (Even if I cannot drink. Sigh.)
It is a sunny day today, though it is humid and slightly overcast. I think that sort of describes how I feel right now. Things seem to be going well, with everything, really. Though there is a dark cloud on the horizon.
My job is still there. No talk of firing me. The only counseling I got recently was for 4 attendance occurrences so far this year. Personally, I think that is pretty good, considering I went through at least 1 IUI, and one IVF cycle. I could have been out a lot more.
Things also seem to be going well with the pregnancy. I feel more confident about it every week. My next ultrasound is Monday, and I am really exited to get another look at the little one. I am more comfortable being open about being pregnant. Most people at work know that I am pregnant, so they watch out for me as much as possible. That is really nice. I rented a doppler so that Hubby and I could listen to the heartbeat whenever we want. That is probably one of the best things I did. It is very reassuring for us when we hear the baby's heartbeat. Also, I finally broke down and went to a Mother.hood store. My shape is just getting too round. The salesperson in the store knew immediately that I needed clothes. It was obvious that I was pregnant, and I think my shirt fit funny. I discovered I love Mother.hood. Finally, maternity clothes which look nice, and I can wear out with my husband! I think I will be back there again as it gets cooler!
We finally started clearing out our basement! Hubby put up storage shelving, and I unpacked a few boxes. Well, I mainly unpacked my china. I like having it easily accessible, if I need it. It also motivated us to purge, some. I got rid of a few things. Though I really tried to purge before we moved. There is still more work to do down there, but at least we got started!
My computer is ready to be picked up, and I will likely pick it up on Monday. I am very excited to have my own computer back. No more computer sharing!
Our dogs are being really obnoxious right now. We suspect there is a female in heat somewhere in our neighborhood. Oscar has been very fixated on Gertrude. (Remember that Oscar is intact, and Gertrude has no girly parts, and has never gone into heat.) Oscar has been following Gertrude around and licking her rear end. He has also attempted to mount her, though not very forcefully. (Thank goodness for small favors!) Mostly he puts his head on her back and humps the air. Gertrude will snap at him if he gets on her nerves.
We tried putting vick's vapor rub on his nose, but he just licks it off and goes back to pursuing Gertrude. I tried putting the vick's on Gertrude, but that does not seem to curb the behavior, either. I hope it is passing. He did fine on our walk today, and is more willing to leave Gertrude alone. Keep fingers crossed that it will pass soon. I want our mellow boy back!
The only really dark cloud is my grandfather. He is now on a PCU (a monitored unit), not the med-surg floor he is usually admitted to. I suspect his liver and kidney issues are getting more serious. At the moment, I do not have a lot of info other than he is admitted to the PCU. And that does not sound good.
But at least I have a distraction tonight! My favorite band is at my favorite bar, and I am meeting a great friend. Should be a good evening! (Even if I cannot drink. Sigh.)
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
The Good:
It has been a wonderfully pleasant weekend. I went to a Salem Red.sox baseball game with my parents last night. It was great. It was really nice talking with my mother and getting caught up on stuff. The best part of the weekend is that I was not called in today. I have not moved much off the couch today. It has been very relaxing.
The Bad and the Ugly:
My grandfather is back in the hospital. I am not sure if I posted on this, yet. He apparently has a blockage in his liver which cannot be unblocked. The pieces of information I get seem to indicate that the blockage may be somewhere between the liver and the duodenum. This could be the reason for the liver problems, and the fact that he still has a g-tube to maintain nutrition. Apparently his kidneys do not look really good, either. The heavy duty antibiotics and the parenteral nutrition have taken their toll. In general, he sounds pretty miserable. He is apparently going home on morphine. My grandmother and my aunt maintain that he wants to fight until the end. Just what they are fighting at this point is beyond me.
It is difficult for me to get a clear picture of what is going on. I am geographically and emotionally distanced from the situation. The info I get is usually secondhand from either one of two sources. Info is either from from my aunt, who is so close to the situation that she is not thinking clearly or logically. Or my mother, who occasionally goes up to visit, but is trying to keep some distance so she does not go completely crazy. My mother is not really clear about what is going on, probably because it upsets her too much to understand it. My mother does not do well with hospitals and health care in general. I cannot say that I blame her for trying to stay away from it.
Grief can make families crazy. As a nurse, I see this on a regular basis. My family is no exception. Grief can bring all the dysfunction to the surface and drive people apart. Right now, my aunt and my grandmother are so focused on keeping my grandfather alive that they do not think about other family member's needs. They have asked my mother to move in for a while and help with my grandfather's care. My mother is unable emotionally to do this. Apparently this is unacceptable to my aunt and my grandmother, both of whom have come down very hard on my mother. I think this is very hard on my mother, as she is grieving the potential loss in her own way. I wish I could make it better, but I doubt there is a lot I can do.
It has been a wonderfully pleasant weekend. I went to a Salem Red.sox baseball game with my parents last night. It was great. It was really nice talking with my mother and getting caught up on stuff. The best part of the weekend is that I was not called in today. I have not moved much off the couch today. It has been very relaxing.
The Bad and the Ugly:
My grandfather is back in the hospital. I am not sure if I posted on this, yet. He apparently has a blockage in his liver which cannot be unblocked. The pieces of information I get seem to indicate that the blockage may be somewhere between the liver and the duodenum. This could be the reason for the liver problems, and the fact that he still has a g-tube to maintain nutrition. Apparently his kidneys do not look really good, either. The heavy duty antibiotics and the parenteral nutrition have taken their toll. In general, he sounds pretty miserable. He is apparently going home on morphine. My grandmother and my aunt maintain that he wants to fight until the end. Just what they are fighting at this point is beyond me.
It is difficult for me to get a clear picture of what is going on. I am geographically and emotionally distanced from the situation. The info I get is usually secondhand from either one of two sources. Info is either from from my aunt, who is so close to the situation that she is not thinking clearly or logically. Or my mother, who occasionally goes up to visit, but is trying to keep some distance so she does not go completely crazy. My mother is not really clear about what is going on, probably because it upsets her too much to understand it. My mother does not do well with hospitals and health care in general. I cannot say that I blame her for trying to stay away from it.
Grief can make families crazy. As a nurse, I see this on a regular basis. My family is no exception. Grief can bring all the dysfunction to the surface and drive people apart. Right now, my aunt and my grandmother are so focused on keeping my grandfather alive that they do not think about other family member's needs. They have asked my mother to move in for a while and help with my grandfather's care. My mother is unable emotionally to do this. Apparently this is unacceptable to my aunt and my grandmother, both of whom have come down very hard on my mother. I think this is very hard on my mother, as she is grieving the potential loss in her own way. I wish I could make it better, but I doubt there is a lot I can do.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Ah... the weekend is finally here!
It felt like it would never get here! At least I can rest a little. I am on call during the day on Sunday, and there is a reasonable chance I will get called in. (They seem to always need the Sunday call people, for some reason.) Obviously, I am hoping I am not needed. Keep your fingers crossed that I will get the chance to rest on Sunday!
Saturday my parents are coming down to go to a baseball game with us. I think it will be fun, and it will be good to see my parents again. I suspect they may stay overnight somewhere and explore the area some. Maybe. I do not know. Just a feeling I get. Sort of a spur of the moment trip, so I do not know all of their plans.
Tonight is our veg-out night. I do not have anything on my agenda this evening other than some quality couch time. I think I need it. Just trying to rest while I can.
Saturday my parents are coming down to go to a baseball game with us. I think it will be fun, and it will be good to see my parents again. I suspect they may stay overnight somewhere and explore the area some. Maybe. I do not know. Just a feeling I get. Sort of a spur of the moment trip, so I do not know all of their plans.
Tonight is our veg-out night. I do not have anything on my agenda this evening other than some quality couch time. I think I need it. Just trying to rest while I can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)