Oh my goodness, there really is a baby in there!

And it actually looks like a baby! I could tell there was a baby in there before the tech even started talking. The title was pretty much my response. The tech seemed really amused.

OK, now that we have gotten my initial excitement out of the way, I can move on to talking about what actually happened at the appointment. Queenie has her nuchal fold ultrasound tomorrow, and wanted me to post on what happened at mine. So here goes...

To measure the nuchal fold, the ultrasound tech must be able to see the back of the neck. Which means that the little one must be lying in just the right position in order to get the measurement. My little one was being stubborn and refused to show off the back of its neck at first. Both techs tried looking both transvaginally and abdominally, and then called in another tech to help. She did eventually get one from the abdominal approach, but it took two of them, and several tries, and a whole lot of pushing on my belly. Not the most comfortable thing, but as anyone knows who has been through IF, I have had worse. (I did not even tell them about my transfer story.)

The coolest thing was that I got to see the baby. The practice I go to has the coolest ultrasound rooms. They have big flat screens connected to the ultrasound machine, so you can see everything without having to look over the tech's shoulder. That was really neat. I wish Hubby could have made it, as he would have loved it. Maybe next time.

After the ultrasound, I got to talk to the doctor. Dr Sweetness said that all my bloodwork looks good. The baby looks good, and things seem to be going well. I only gained about 3 pounds, which was really good. So both baby and mom are healthy. Good news!

I did ask the doc about getting out of 12 hours and night shifts, and she told me that there is really no medical reason to not work them. Later in the pregnancy I will have to be careful about how much I work. But right now, I still have to work the 12s and the night shifts. Sigh. Now I get to spend the 4th of July in the OR catching traumas. All night long. I did try to talk to the person who does the scheduling. I asked her not to schedule me any 12 hours or night shifts. I did tell her I would be willing to some work evening shifts to make up for it. I did not think that was too outrageous a request. We will see what happens. I still have this block to get through, though.

The best part of the day was that my appointment took so long that I did not have to go back to work today. Hooray for afternoons off!

And now, because I know you are just dying to see them....

Baby pictures!

Just a short post, had to get this out there.

Finally saw Up last night. It was really cool in 3D, but it was hard for me to tell, because I cried my way through the movie. And I forgot tissues. I was a bit of a mess upon leaving the theater. It was a wonderful movie, though. Very well done, as almost all pix.ar's films are. The story of Carl and Ellie at the beginning of the movie just hit very close to home. Carl and Ellie's story happens more often than people think in real life, as those of us in the IF blogosphere well know. You can move on and live a full life, but there are long lasting effects of living child-free no one can anticipate.

I also had a freak-out moment yesterday. This may be TMI for most people, so feel free to skip the rest of the post...

I discovered rust colored stains in my underwear yesterday afternoon, which totally freaked me out. So I did the TP dance yesterday and today. No cramping, just a tiny amount of blood, which according to the Mayo clinic pregnancy book is sort of normal. Love that Mayo Clinic book. Best thing I have bought so far. I suspect I bled a little because I do not have the prometrium supporting me now. Trying not to freak out, and trying to be patient until my ultrasound on Monday. No blood today, and hoping my ultrasound will look good.

On My Own...

Yesterday I took the last dose of my pro.metrium. From this day onward, my pregnancy is not supported with outside hormones. My body has to do this all by itself. This makes me really nervous, for some reason. I got this far, and I hope like hell that I am able to do this on my own. I think I am almost at the point where the miscarriage rate drops. As of today, I am 11.5 weeks along. Just trying to keep breathing, and hoping my body knows what to do.

I am also a little nervous about my ultrasond on Monday. I hope it goes well. It should be reassuring to me, should there be a healthy baby in there.

I am still looking at baby stuff, though. I have done a pretty good amount of research, and I think I have a fairly good idea as to what I want, and where I want to buy it from. I may wait to actually purchase a lot of the big stuff until I am well into the second trimester. I went to our local Bur.lington Coat Factory this morning. I heard that they had a Baby De.pot, and I wanted to check it out. It is the closest thing to a baby superstore they have in Roanoke. They do have some nice stuff, and I may end up registering there for some things, such as strollers, high chairs, baby clothes, and toys. They did not have any of the cribs I really wanted to look at. (Most of the cribs on display were De.lta, and they had some serious recalls over the past few years. Not good!) They also did not have any of the carseats I really wanted to look at. They did have the Gra.co Snugride, and that is a possibility for us. The only problem I have with it is that a lot of mothers complain about babies being uncomfortable in them. I think I would rather have a Chic.co Key.fit to start with, and then graduate to a Bri.tax Mara.thon. Just saying. This is why I may do most of my baby shopping online. Because I cannot find any of this stuff in the local stores. Sad but true.

Having a lazy day. I spent most of the day on the couch surfing the internet. It was very pleasant, and restful. I think we are finally going to see Up tonight. I think we are even going to see it in 3-D. Very cool!

Upside down and inside out

Father's Day weekend was relatively quiet. My father came down to see us on Saturday evening. We went out to dinner and then drove them around the area so that they could get a better feel for it. (Since they are thinking of moving down here after the baby comes.) Sunday was very quiet. We did not do much of anything, really. (Though, I did go buy some stretchy shorts, as I have begun to lose my waist.) Very nice very slow day. I think we both needed it after the week we had.

I think both of us feel out of it. Hubby's loss was really hard on both him and me (in different ways.) And we are still trying to come to terms with being pregnant. That is a lot to deal with, without anything else.

Then on Sunday I got an email from my mother telling me that my grandfather was admitted to the hospital with a high fever and low blood pressure. Did not sound good. They took blood cultures and then started him on an antibiotic, which did help. Apparently, he was asleep for a couple of days, but was awake today when my mother called to try to get info. They apparently replaced his central line. (Which must have been a good thing, because it sounds to me like he had sepsis.) No other info. My mother is frustrated because neither my grandmother or my aunt are saying a lot about his condition. (Probably because they are having a hard time dealing with it.) I am concerned because I do not know how many of these setbacks he can take. From what I can tell, he is sleeping a lot, not eating very much, and has his nutrition supplemented parenterally. My grandmother is hoping to go home tomorrow, but the docs want to run some tests. No clue as to what sort of tests. It would be nice if he could get checked out before he leaves. It would probably give them a better idea as to his health status and where they can go from here. It would be nice not to have to keep bringing him back to the hospital. My grandmother thinks he will just be released to home care with antibiotics IV. Or maybe that is what she thinks will happen in her own reality. Who knows.

My family appears to be in a tailspin because it is becoming clearer that they are going to lose my grandfather. All I can do is watch from a distance. Probably the best place to be. I am a little crazy myself right now. I am tired of being the sane one.

Rest

I really hope that this weekend will be restful. I think both Hubby and I need it. It was a stressful week for both of us.

The funeral for Hubby's grandmother was really nice. She was such a large presence in the family. The entire family is mourning, and likely will be for a while. Losing her was a big loss for his family. Hubby is still having a hard time of it. Time heals all wounds. It will get better.

I think the death hit my grandmother close to home. She sent flowers to the funeral and called Hubby's mother to offer condolences. I suspect she knows somewhere in her heart that she is losing my grandfather. I am not close enough to the situation to truly know, but I suspect that is what is happening. I feel like there are only so many times he can recover from a setback. And he is not eating a lot and sleeping more.

Hubby's family is very different from my family. They are all very close, and apparently all very fertile. His family is happy for us, and are excited about my pregnancy. But they really do not have a clue what we have been through to get to this point. I think we have found our current annoying question. "So, what are you having?" We are having a baby. Sex does not matter to us, as long as it is healthy. Hell, we are still getting used to stating that we are pregnant, and we only have a few weeks left in the first trimester.

People at work have recommended I get a doctor's note to get me out of night shifts and 12 hour shifts. I just may do that. I hate night shifts, and the 12 hour shifts are really rough on me these days. If I do get the note, it will likely be next block before I see any changes. I just have one night shift to get through this block. And it will be a crazy shift, I can almost guarantee. I am on a 12 hour night shift on the 4th of July. Alcohol, fireworks, and firearms. Never a good combo. And I hate trauma. Really not looking forward to that shift.

I know I do not usually do this, but I have a vent about a co-worker. I know she does not read my blog, so I feel pretty safe doing this. She just annoyed the crap out of me this week. For some reason, I just really do not like her at all now. I used to like her, but I think something has changed with her since I worked with her last. I think it may be because she has gotten closer to management and she now thinks she is all that. (Probably because management told her so. Idiots.) This particular day, she was assigned to help with my room. I was actually working with a gyn surgeon that day, and the room had gotten off to a late start. (That was a whole other situation which I had not control over.) She was nice enough to give me a break that morning, but I could tell she did not want to be there, so I did not make by break long. She was very short with me and did not seem to care about anything I would say to her in report. When she came to relieve me for lunch, she again would not listen to anything I tried to tell her. She was more interested in bitching about how she did not want to be there and how I set up my room all wrong. It was wrong for general surgery, maybe, but it was set up correctly for a gyno case.

People, this person hates gyn surgery, and she never works in gyno rooms. I do not think that she had any business telling me I set my gyno room up wrong. She also hates being PRN. (Helping as needed.) I am pretty sure what she was saying was not personal, but it still upset me. It did not help that I was all emotional from being pregnant. I think it upset me more that she would not listen to anything I had to say. It came across to me like she felt that everything I did was wrong. She also pissed me off again yesterday. We were assigned 4 PRN rooms, and we split up the assignment. She gave me the two busiest rooms, and then did not even bother to check on how I was doing and if I needed help. One of my rooms was a gyno room with small cases which were all heavy on the circulator. My other room was a cysto and then a thoracoscopy with a weak circulator. I was working my butt off all morning while she was looking at avon. Nice. I think I have lost all respect for this person now. I think I have good reason after this week.

OK, vent off. I just had to get that off my chest.

Planning on having a restful weekend. Maybe finally going to see Up. Or maybe just going out to dinner somewhere tonight. I know my family wanted to see me on father's day, but I am not sure if they are going to be able to come down here or not. I am just going to take it as it comes.

Off

Rough day at work today. Felt like I was sniped at all day long for stuff which was not my fault. Even cried in the lunchroom, which surprised one of my co-workers. That is not at all like me. (She put it down to the pregnancy, which may be about right.)

At least they let me off to go to the funeral with the Hubby. I got off at 3 PM today, and I am off tomorrow. I rushed home to pack and do doggy sort of stuff before I leaving. Parents are watching dogs overnight. I hope it goes well.

Sort of a mess right now. But it goes with the territory.

Dreary day.

My second day off this week, and it is raining. Again. Makes me feel lazy and blah. I wanted to play in my sewing room this afternoon, but now I am just not feeling like it now. I guess I should take the time to be lazy today. I will not get the chance to be lazy later this week. I am scheduled to work three 12 hour shifts in a row. Does not sound like much fun.

To add to all of this, Hubby told me that his grandmother died this morning. Still have no idea when the funeral is, but will likely be this weekend. I may have to take some time off on Friday. I want to try to go with him, but I am not sure how work will react. I hate talking to work about that sort of thing.

I also have to let work know about my ultrasound appointment. It is in the middle of the morning on Monday June 29. What a pain in the ass. I have no idea what my next block schedule is, so I have no idea if I have that day off. Likely not. (The next block usually comes out Wednesday or Thursday before it starts. It is incredibly annoying because you always have to wait if you want to make appointments around your schedule.) Most likely what will happen is that I may get a couple of hours to go to the appointment, and then I will go back to work. Sucks, but that is the way things seem to work at my job.

Sorry such a downer post, but between the weather and Hubby's news, I am just in a blah mood. It should pass soon. I hope.

1st OB appointment!

Went very well. It was with Dr Sweetness, not the nurse. (Thank goodness!) Apparently I am still pregnant. No pap today because I got one in March. I just need to get the records to her from the Apprentice's office. No ultrasound today, as expected. My uterus is apparently the right size for how many weeks I am, and my pelvis is good, too. She did attempt to find a heartbeat, but was unable to locate it. It was likely a little early. I am only 9.5 weeks along, so the little one may be too small. This appointment was a head to toe physical, along with some blood work, and the inevitable peeing in a cup. Afterward, we talked a little bit about what to expect and the genetic testing. She did mention the GTT. I do not know whether my endo will do that before she does, or what. (I think my endo will try to see me every couple of months while I am pregnant.) My next appointment with Dr Swwetness is in 2 weeks for the nuchal scan, and more bloodwork. I bet they have me pee in a cup again. Oh the excitement.

One thing amazed me about Dr Sweetness. She did a cervical exam while I was there. She placed the speculum so gently that I barely felt it go in. Honestly! It was a little strange. I have my breathing and positoning all going, and I did not even need it. Very weird. In a good kind of way.

Dr Sweetness did say that I am not really high risk for anything other than gestational diabetes. I sort of knew that going in. Thank goodness for metformin! Hopefully that will help. Between that and guidance from my endo, I hope I will be GD-free. That is what we are hoping, anyway. Dr Sweetness also asked if I had thought much about labor and delivery. Honestly, apart from having a vaginal birth, I really have not given it much thought. I guess I need to start thinking about it soon.

In other news, I have been looking at carseats. I think I am going with a higher weight infant car seat. I am sort of waiting to see what the reviews on the new Britax infant carseat look like before making any commitments. If I can get FIL to pay for crib and carseat and co-sleeper, that will go a long way to making baby and me happy. I am actually sort of afraid to send him a lot of links because I think he would buy me one of everything.

The Pregnant Infertile

I know, the title sounds weird. But it does happen, and apparently it happened to me. It is still hard for me to believe that I really am pregnant. I am not really showing yet. The only symptoms are larger tits, fatigue, and protein cravings. (I am nuts over nuts!) According to the calendar, I am about 9.5 weeks pregnant. My first OB appointment is Monday. It still feels very bizarre for me. It is still hard for me to tell people, "I am pregnant." Just feels strange coming out of my mouth.

Hubby is freaked out by the idea of us having a baby. I think he is worried about money and stuff while I am off work the first few months. Not to mention all the stuff we have to do to prepare for our child. I think he is worried that he will not be a good father. Personally, I think he will make a terrific father.

It is a strange thing. We went from not being able to have children to being pregnant in one cycle. That is all it takes. We spent so much effort and money getting to that point, we did not think about what it would be like to be on the other side. I think few of us do because it hurts too much. Now I have to figure out a nursery and start collecting baby stuff. So far the only things I have bought baby-wise are a few books. "Horton Hears a Who", "Horton Lays an Egg," and "Guess How Much I Love You" (a cardboard book.)

I still feel tied to the infertility community. While at the library today, I looked at a book that discussed the toll that family friendly society has on women without children. I considered checking it out because it sounded interesting to me. It may have looked a little odd next to the sewing for baby book, though. Even though I will likely have one of my own, I am not liking the family/kid-friendly focus of society. It just seems stupid to me.

Honestly, I think there should be more stuff which caters to pregnant infertiles. We react differently than fertiles do, and we are also growing in numbers. (So there is a market out there for us!) I fully believe that our pregnancy needs are different. We should have pregnancy books without belly shots on the cover. We should have guides to navigating baby sections of stores and baby superstores without getting freaked out and having a meltdown. How to make the transition to being a regular OB patient. How to handle the waiting on this side of it. (Apparently the waiting is never over.) How to reassure yourself while you wait. How to give up your wine and caffiene without going crazy. How to handle a fertile's excitement over your pregnancy without smacking them. How to respond to all those idiotic octo-mom cracks without smacking anyone. Apparently violence is not the answer, though it may seem like a really good option.

The pregnancy and baby books I have are helpful. Baby Bargains is a very helpful book for first time parents who have no freaking idea what they need. (Like us.) The Mayo Clinic book on pregnancy is also very reassuring. It even breaks down when to call your doctor. But none of the books address most of the above issues. Those seem to be important issues to the pregnant infertile. At least they are for me.

So what do you all think? Is there anything else a pregnant infertile's book on pregnancy should include?

Randomness

I had a random day off, and thought I would post about some random thoughts...

I really like the idea of doing a Dr Seuss nursery. I like the vibrant colors, and I have to be creative in order to pull it off. There is not a lot of Dr Seuss nursery stuff out there, so I have to make my own, or go with basic stuff. I think I have the craft skills and the art skills to pull it off. And I will likely get the help of my mother and my sister, both of whom are true artists. At this point, the Dr Seuss nursery is just an idea. It may take me a while to figure out how to put the idea into a real nursery, but I think I can do it. I am playing with Horton as a theme. I like Horton, and I like elephants. There is a godd variety of generic elephant stuff out there, which could work for bedding. Again, I need to put more thought into this.

I am very tired and achy today. I worked a couple of 12 hour shifts the past couple of days, and they really wiped me out. By the time I got home last night, I felt like I could barely stand up. I was in bed by 9 PM. And today, I hurt all over. I am just grateful I can rest some today. I may even nap later. The rest of my work week is not nearly as bad. An 8 hour shift tomorrow, and then ACLS on Friday. And the weekend off! Hooray!

It is a really nice day today, and I may cut up a chicken in order to grill it later. It seems like a good day to grill. Grilled chicken and corn on the cob could be a really nice dinner tonight. If I am up to it, I may fix biscuits. We will see what happens.

I am thinking of starting a wish list for the house. We are going to have to do some reorganizing in order to clear out a room for the nursery. I think we will definitely purge stuff. We could use some utility shelves for the basement, and a dresser for Hubby's clothes. We need one which will fit in the closet in the master bedroom. The one he has now is too tall. At this point the nursery wish list includes a crib, a dresser, a changing topper to the dresser. I am debating getting a regular dresser we can use for years, not a specific nursery dresser. The baby will only be a baby for a short time, and he or she will grow up. It would be nice to have something they can use for years. Just my thought.

I am starting to feel like there is something growing in there. I am 9 weeks tomorrow, and it feels like things are starting to change. I cannot feel anything moving, but it feels like stuff is shifting around in my pelvis. Hubby mentioned that he can tell that there is something happening in my belly. (He said he can tell because he knows what to look for.) My tits are still huge. Hubby is definitely getting a lot of enjoyment out of that! I also seem to be waking up in the middle of the night on a regular basis. I usually can fall back to sleep after changing position, but it takes a few minutes. Ah, the joys of pregnancy!

Ah! A weekend!

I do not like working weekends, and I hate working nights. Last weekend just sucked for me. This weekend is much better! I was lazy this morning and not doing much of anything. Hubby even cooked my breakfast. What a sweetheart! We took pups over to the dog park this afternoon. That wore them out for the rest of the day! After we got back, everyone napped. This evening we went out to dinner, where Hubby had enough alcohol for the second part of our evening: Wandering though the baby section at Tar.get.

I think we are both a little weirded out to be one of the many young couples shopping for baby stuff. This is also a section of the store we avoided like the plague for the past decade. It does not help that we are about 10 years older than many of the other couples shopping for baby stuff. We felt a little out of place, but we knew we have to get used to going through there. We left without buying anything. I am just not ready to buy stuff quite yet. It was enough of a feat just wandering through those aisles.

I have started looking at baby stuff online, as well. I loved the Dr Seuss crib sheets at Pottery Barn Kids. I thought they are just wonderful, and I may do my entire nursery in Dr Seuss. The nursery is more for me than the baby, anyway. And I love Dr Seuss! I think between my mother and I, we can get some Dr Seuss characters up on the walls. And I love the bright colors.

The rest of the nursery may take a bit more thought. I think I am going to have to go and actually look at cribs at some point. I think I am going to start with the crib, and move out from there. Tar.get has some nice cribs at reasonable prices. I am looking at the Da.vinci line, mostly. They seem to have pretty good reviews. I sort of like the idea of a convertible crib, and Tar.get has some nice ones, for reasonable prices. I sort of like the Ana.stasia crib. It is awfully pretty. If I could get it in a lighter finish, I would like it better. I also sort of like the Em.ily crib, though it is a stationary crib, with no drop down rail. Not sure about that, but I think I am tall enough that it would not be a problem. Our Tar.get does not have a huge baby section, apparently. they did not have any of the cribs I was interested in on display. I have a hunch I may order the crib online.

In other news, my first actual OB appointment is June 15. I will let you know how it goes. I have a hunch I will actually be meeting with the nurse, not Dr Sweetness. I guess that will be all right The first visit is likely going to be just bloodwork and an interview. Only if I am really lucky will there be an ultrasound. I think it is fairly doubtful, though.

Tomorrow I hopefully will be able to get the house clean and the grocery shopping done. The rest of the day I will hopefully be lazy.

Things I ought to do...

Like scan the ultrasound from a couple of weeks ago...


Our first baby picture!

I also need to start thinking about what I will need after the little one gets here. (Assuming I make it through the first trimester!) My father in law has already asked for a list of things I want for the nursery. I feel like I still getting used to being pregnant, and I already have to think about the nursery! Feels a little strange to me. I ordered the latest edition of Baby Bargains. I hope it is worth it. From the reviews I read, it was very useful for first time parents. I will likely supplement the book by internet research from various sources. Hopefully that will help.

And then there is maternity leave. I need to start collecting info about what my employer will do for me about maternity leave. I will likely start by talking with others who have taken or are about to take maternity leave. I know have short term disability, and I hope I will have a lot of PTO stored by the time I finally want to take the leave. That should help. Hubby gets nervous when I talk about it. At the moment, he does not have a lot of cash flow. That should change by the end of the summer. His legal practice will likely go through waves of cash flow, and we need to get used to that. Hopefully this fall, he will feel more comfortable talking about leave, and the possibility of me working part time. I think I would like to work part time, but it could affect my benefits. I would like to keep my options open, though.

I guess I have a lot to think about.