Hooray! Baby sleeps!

I love it when baby goes down to sleep! I know he does not sleep very long, but he is so much better when he gets the sleep he needs. I also get a break and some "me" time! I think I will be listening to a lot of music. He seems to like music noise better than talking noise. Which means that our NASCAR races will likely be muted while he is awake. He did not do well with Daytona last week. Sigh. At least we can watch them, though. I am not missing much by not hearing the commentating. There is only so much intelligence coming from Darrell Waltrip and crew. Listening to music during the race may be an improvement.

I was thinking the other day that there is really a silver lining to having a c-section. I get a couple more weeks at home with the baby. That will be really nice! It sort of feels strange right now just getting to be with my baby. I love it, but it feels weird to me. It is all baby, all the time. It can be difficult for me to get time to take care of myself. I am learning to ask Hubby to give me a break. I need to get better at asking and letting others do things. That is not something which comes easy to me. I have started to leave little AC some. I went grocery shopping without the baby last week. Hubby did fine with it, for the most part. AC did fuss almost the entire time. I hope it gets better! I plan on going to a mother's group without the baby this Tuesday evening. Hubby and I have even been out to dinner without the baby. I hope by the time I have to go back to work, I will be all right leaving him for the day with my mother. (And I hope she will be all right with him for a whole day!)

I am still me underneath all the mothering. This is something I need to remember, and find space for. Mother is just another label I wear. It does not change the fact that I still relate to infertiles. I still actually consider myself infertile. Considering how long it took us to get pregnant the first time, and the fact that male factor was part of our problem, I doubt I will get pregnant again without help. If it does happen, I will consider it a miracle. I guess anything can happen.

Being a mother does not change the fact that I am a nurse. I love my work, and I want to continue to do it. While I would like as much time as possible with the baby, I need time for myself personally and professionally. When I went through counseling several years ago, I talked about the women role models I had. My mother was a stay at home mom. Her job was caring for my sister and I. My aunt was a working woman, and childless. My aunt has graduate degrees, a steady job, and a full life. Somewhere along the line, I decided I wanted the best of both worlds. I know it is difficult to achieve, but I think it is possible. I married a man who will support me as I find the life I want. I am still working on finding how I want to do things. It may be a continuing journey to find the life I want, and I am starting to learn that it may look different than what I thought.