Merry Christmas!

Baby's first Christmas was a success!  He loved everything, but the dump trucks were by far the biggest hit.  He loves a good dump truck.  I will try to post pics soon, but we did not take very many.  We are poor photographers over here.  We even got some snow!  I cannot remember the last time we actually had a white Christmas.

Everyone had a nice morning, and I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend.  No pressures, no where to be.  I think that is the biggest gift for me.

The Christmas ham is in the oven.  Hubby wanted a country cured ham for Christmas dinner, so I bought one.  This is the first year we are doing a country ham, and both of us are really excited about it.  We soaked it part of yesterday, and all last night, and we are cooking it low and slow.  So it should turn out well.

Hope everyone enjoys the day, no matter whether you are celebrating or not!

Oh the joys of Christmas.

I have been meaning to do a post on my thoughts on Christmas.  It is different for us this year.  There is more a sense of anticipation and excitement.  We have our child involved with Christmas this year.

Two or three years ago, I hid from Christmas.  The Christmas story was painful to hear, not joyous.  I felt resentful and not a little bit bitter.  When I think about it, it all comes back to me.  Everyone is talking about the "Christmas miracle" and I am wondering where the hell is my miracle!  When is it my turn?  It did not help that the story focused on a baby.  The very thing I lusted after.  Yearned for.  Christmas made me feel empty and I felt shoved to the side.  I stopped going to church over the Christmas season to avoid getting hurt.  I hated having people see me cry.  I had nothing to wait for.  No miracle at my home.

The only thing I kept during all of the years I avoided church was the pagan tradition of the Christmas tree.  For some reason I could not let that go.  Sure it hurt that there was no potential for ornaments from our children, but we could make the tree whatever we wanted.  In the year or two before  got pregnant, I had pretty much given up hope that we would have a child, and I was trying to reconcile myself to a child-free life.  At that point, I thought we could decorate the tree with ornaments bought on our vacations.  So I started buying ornaments from the vacations we took.  We have a saguaro from Arizona a couple of years ago, an oyster shell Santa from the beach last year.  I think it helped that I could make the tree whatever we wanted.

Last year, I was pregnant during Christmas, and pretty much on rest.  Yeah, it was a miserable way to spend Christmas, but at least we did not have to travel.  I found I could connect with the advent story, as I was waiting for my miracle to arrive.  And I truly feel he was a miracle, from start to finish.  It was strange, though.  Christmas felt bigger to me last year.  Likely because I was tapping into the anticipation of advent.  I was used to being pregnant, but had no idea how to be a mother to an infant.  I was ready to meet my son, but scared out of my mind.  Not to mention, I felt like crap from the pregnancy.  I hate to say that it was probably a crappy Christmas for Hubby.  I hope I make up for it this year.

This year we are having a very low key Christmas.  We are not traveling, and it will just be Hubby, Little Dude, the dogs, and me.  Oh, and no Santa visit.  (Who needs to see a crying baby in Santa's lap?)  I think that is really best for a baby's first Christmas.  For Hubby and I there is a sense of anticipation which was not there last year.  We are introducing baby to Christmas for the first time this year.  I think that is pretty exciting.  Both of us love Christmas, and we are looking forward to sharing that excitement with our son.  Not sure how much of it he understands right now, but we are enjoying it.

Christmas for us has changed for us the past couple of years, and I suspect it will change again as Little Dude grows up and begins to understand more about what is happening around him.  But it is a nice change to not dread a favorite holiday anymore.  We have something to look forward to this Christmas:  watching our son open presents and play with his new toys.  We have the gift of life to celebrate.  We can also celebrate surviving almost an entire year of being parents.  I think that is a big accomplishment!

final is done!

Final is done and graded, and final grades are recorded.  I was not up too late with that last night.  Actually, it was the baby which kept us awake all night.  He woke up at 10:30, 12:30, and 1:30.  I think.  By 1:30 I was a little hazy on the specific times, but I think that is close enough.  I BF at 10:30, gave ibuprofen and BF at 12:30, and then gave up.  Mommy does not do playtime in the middle of the night, and I was fairly sure I was out of breast milk.  I was willing to let him cry because I am fairly sure that he wanted to play and I was not willing to let him.  He probably would have gotten to sleep eventually.  But Hubby got up at 1:30 and gave him a bottle and let him play a bit before putting him down.

Now I have to work today, so I am up at 5 AM trying to get ready for work.  Hubby is sleeping in a little.  I think he has to wake up soon to fix me coffee and shower before I leave.  I think I am going to need coffee today!

We did take our dog to Virginia Tech.  This is the second dog we have taken there, and I have been very impressed with the care they give our pets.  They told us that Gertrude's incontinence is likely caused by glomerulo.nephritis, which is the result of an inflammatory process.  The inflammatory process is likely caused by a mass resulting from reproductive tissue.  The mass has a low rate of metastasis, and has not obviously metastasized yet, so she should get better if it is taken out.  I think we are also going to start her on an ACE inhibitor to help her retain protein.  She is spilling a lot of protein in her urine, which is results in low blood protein levels.  Hopefully the new medication will help the incontinence.  She goes in January 3 for the surgery consult at Tech, and surgery will likely be January 4.  Basically, I think this is the spay she never got.  I really hope it helps her feel better.

If I cold get some rest, I would feel more in the Christmas spirit.  Right now it feels like just going through the motions.  Hopefully I will get more in the spirit over the next day or two.  Hubby should be up soon to make coffee.  I am going to need it today!

This is hard.

I took Gertrude to the vet school near us to try to figure out what is going on with her.  She has been wetting where she sleeps, peeing in the house because she just cannot hold it.  Our local vet could not come to any conclusions.

They did an ultrasound on her today, and they found a mass sitting on her bladder.  It has a good blood supply, so they did not want to do a needle biopsy until they could sedate her.  So she is staying the night as the vet school tonight so they can sedate her for the biopsy tomorrow.

I am scared for her.  And me, to be honest.  If the mass has a good blood supply, that means that it has been there a while, and is likely cancerous.  If it is cancerous and it has been there a while, that means that it has likely metastasized.  The bottom line is that I think I am losing my dog.

This dog got me through nursing school, infertility treatments, pregnancy, the birth of my baby, and the post-partum period.  In the seven years I have had her we have been through a lot together.  (It is hard to believe it has only been seven years!)  Danes are short lived dogs, and I knew that when I got her, but I refused to think of the future.  Now the future is here, and I have to deal with it.

The house feels sort of empty tonight, despite the fact we have one very large dog and a baby,  There is a hole where Gertrude is.  Oscar seems lost.  I miss her energy.  I know we will get her back tomorrow, but I miss her right now. 

Finding space for my grief with the baby is hard.  I just want to hide and cry, because I hurt.  But the baby needs me and life has to go on.

Fortunately, no decision needs to be made tonight. 

Sick

I have a cold, which is just wiping me out and making me miserable.  I feel like it has been weeks since I have had energy for anything.  After Thanksgiving, I was trying to recover from our Thanksgiving trip.  Last week I had my period.  This week I have a cold.  I feel like I cannot get a break.  Someday I hope to have energy again.

We have not done anything for Christmas, other than some internet shopping.  No tree, no wreath, nothing.  I have not had the energy, or much time.  Hope to change that this weekend.  I plan on buying our tree on Saturday, and we will hopefully set it up on Sunday.

I have posts rattling around in my head, but no time to actually get them on the screen.  I want to do a post on breastfeeding, and another on New Year's resolutions.  I think my pumping days are coming to a close, and I wanted to talk about my feelings on that.  I also have thoughts on a New Year's resolution.  But I have not had the time or energy to get the posts together.

MIL asked if we would get a pic of the baby with Santa.  I said no.  He is not really going to remember it, and I do not want to deal with the hassle of going to see Santa.  Just not happening.  I am sure at some point we will need to g see Santa, but it is not going to be this year.

Gertrude's appointment at the vet school is Monday.  I hope they can give us some answers.

Off to bed soon.  Need to rest while I can.

Just a few minutes before the baby wakes...

I did eventually get sleep that night.  I think Little Dude was just hungry, and my milk is drying up.  His teeth may have also been bothering him, as he has molars coming in.  Once Hubby gave him a bottle of formula, baby went right to sleep.  I am tempted to do a post on breastfeeding, and I may try to do that once things settle down from school.

Gertrude has an appointment at the vet school next Monday.  I hope it goes well, and she can be easily treated.  We are learning to deal better with the incontinence.  We let her out a lot, and we have pads everywhere.  Hopefully the vet school will have some answers.

Last week of class is this week, and I have everything done except the grading.  Well, technically, I have to give a practical today.  But I have already thought of what I want to ask and how I want to do it.   Hopefully all the stuff will be there and I will not have to make too many changes.  We will see.

Cycles have been very short.  At least short for me.  The past couple have been about 21 days.  It feels very bizarre.  Not normal for me.  I am more used to the 30-35 day cycles I had prior to pregnancy.  Not sure how I feel about it yet.

Search for babysitters is moderately successful.  The pastor's daughter we talked to this weekend was very sweet, and I think she will do just fine. We scheduled her for next Sunday.  We were both really glad she met our dogs before we actually booked her.  I have three other potential sitters I need to contact.  Hopefully I can do that this week.  Slowly, but surely we are getting what we need.

Weekends are actually much nicer now that we do not have to work around my parents.  I think all of us are able to relax a little better when we can do things at our own pace.  If my parents want to see him on the weekends, they are more than welcome to.  We have just stopped depending on them for weekend child care.

Our day care is having a Christmas party with a gift exchange.  (I love how they do all sorts of silly things!)  We have to buy a present for a 2.5 year old. Any suggestions?

Baby is waking!  Off to get the baby!

Go to sleep, already!

I am sitting here waiting for the baby to go to sleep.  I have come to realize that mommies cannot sleep while baby is crying.  Tonight is it is driving me insane.  I have fed him, medicated him, changed him.  And he is in there crying like it is the end of the world.  I am done.  I am too damn tired to be patient.  He just needs to sleep, and I need to sleep.  I am over it.  I just wish I could sleep.

I think I see another feeding in my near future.  What else can I do?