This is hard.

I took Gertrude to the vet school near us to try to figure out what is going on with her.  She has been wetting where she sleeps, peeing in the house because she just cannot hold it.  Our local vet could not come to any conclusions.

They did an ultrasound on her today, and they found a mass sitting on her bladder.  It has a good blood supply, so they did not want to do a needle biopsy until they could sedate her.  So she is staying the night as the vet school tonight so they can sedate her for the biopsy tomorrow.

I am scared for her.  And me, to be honest.  If the mass has a good blood supply, that means that it has been there a while, and is likely cancerous.  If it is cancerous and it has been there a while, that means that it has likely metastasized.  The bottom line is that I think I am losing my dog.

This dog got me through nursing school, infertility treatments, pregnancy, the birth of my baby, and the post-partum period.  In the seven years I have had her we have been through a lot together.  (It is hard to believe it has only been seven years!)  Danes are short lived dogs, and I knew that when I got her, but I refused to think of the future.  Now the future is here, and I have to deal with it.

The house feels sort of empty tonight, despite the fact we have one very large dog and a baby,  There is a hole where Gertrude is.  Oscar seems lost.  I miss her energy.  I know we will get her back tomorrow, but I miss her right now. 

Finding space for my grief with the baby is hard.  I just want to hide and cry, because I hurt.  But the baby needs me and life has to go on.

Fortunately, no decision needs to be made tonight.