Bloghop: Challenges in parenting

Are You Listening is hosting a blog hop, and the subject seemed to resonate with me this week. 

The subject is the most challenging part of parenting.

For some reason, the last half of the week was very hard for me.  I had three long days the last part of the week, with very little time for myself.  And then last night I was up every three hours with Little Guy.  Not sure what is going on, my guess is that he is probably teething.  It is still a pain in the ass.

For me the most challenging aspect of parenting right now is finding space for myself.  Little ones can take up a lot of your time and energy, and you have very little left over for husband and yourself.  When the baby is demanding, and the hubby needs time with me, I have very little time to recharge myself.

I do not know if it is because I had my child later in life, but I had a fairly good sense of myself before I had the baby.  After the baby was born, it was a huge adjustment to make room for this demanding little person in my life.  I had a hard time keeping hold of my sense of self immediately after the baby was born.  The baby needed so much time and energy, all I had the time or energy to do was care for the baby.

As he got older, I began to make an effort to make space for myself.  As I did that, I found I was more available as a parent if I had time to myself to recharge.  I enjoyed him more.  I played with him more.  All because I was able to have some space away from my mommy duties.  Going back to work was great for me because I was doing something meaningful to me again.  It gave me space away from "being mommy."

Nap times are essential in this house.  For mommy and baby.  Naps are good for little ones, but mommy really needs that time, too.  When baby does not nap, mommy cannot recharge.  Fortunately, most of the time he naps well.  But there are times when he does not nap, or he does not go down for the night very well.  This is when I get frustrated.  I can feel the loss of my down time, and I get grumpy.

I know that it gets better as he gets older, but right now it can be difficult to find "me time" with a demanding toddler underfoot.

I hear him waking from his nap.  My recharge time is over.  Sigh.

Touchy-Feely Tuesday

I thought this might not be a bad idea just to check in with myself and see where I am.  I may make this a regular feature.

I had the thought yesterday that I am happy.  I guess that is a good sign that I am where I need to be.  Of course, yesterday I was on top of things.  I was able to take care of the baby and the hubby (who is slowly getting over a stomach bug.  It felt really good.  I love days where everything comes together.

Contrast yesterday to today.  I have the blahs today.  A trip to the gym helped to ward of most of it, but I still have the rest of the day to go.  I feel guilty that Little Guy is at daycare today, but it is the only way to go, as my mother is still sick with a GI bug.  He likes day care, though.  I dropped him off, and he did not even look back at me.  No crying at all.  Hopefully class goes well today.  I have a feeling it will be an uphill battle.

It is cold and drizzly today, and that is probably contributing to my blahs.

Every now and again I feel the emptiness of my uterus.  I really want another child, and would love for it to happen naturally.  But I know that it won't happen that way.  There is something sad about that.  I feel like I have to mourn that loss all over again.  Right now, I am waiting on my period to show up.  Probably PMS is contributing to my blahs.  Maybe I should eat some chocolate.  Might try that tonight.

Actually lost weight on WW!  Hooray!  Nothing like a GI bug to kick start weight loss.

Thinking of trying to make my own strawberry syrup for Little Guy's milk.  He is drinking milk very well now, as long as it is strawberry flavored.  The issue I have with store bought syrups and powders is that they all have RD 40 in them.  It makes it look pretty, but it may not be so great for the baby. 

Weaning is going well, if slowly.  Often I can calm him during the day with a sippy or bottle of strawberry milk in my lap.   I think he still gets upset a little when I do not whip out the boob, but he is getting used to it.  Slowly.

We are teething.  (I say we because it feels like a group effort getting through it!)  And I think molars are coming in.  Sleep has been hard to come by these past few nights as Little Guy has been up every few hours.  Not fun.  We are still breastfeeding at night, so it is mostly me up every few hours.  I am sure this will pass, but it is not fun being sleep deprived all over again.  Someday he will sleep through the night.  Sigh.

I discovered a local playground this weekend.  The weather was fantastic, and I wanted to get him out of the house, so I located a local playground.  I think it will be a great place to go as he starts to grow.  He already loves it, and I enjoy taking him there.  A great place for him to run around and let off all that energy.  Someday he will be old enough so that I can sit back and let him go.  I look forward to that.

Why are are there no playgroups for children below 3 yo?  I would think that mothers of very young children would need the interaction with other mothers, too.  Having a child below 3 yo can be very isolating.  It does not seem fair that you have to wait until 3 yo to allow them into playgroups.

I am debating limiting myself to one or two forms of social media.  I am definitely keeping the blog, and I am debating the merits of twitter.  I just want to be able to keep up with it and not have it eat up all my time.

Those are just some of the thoughts and feelings running through my head at the moment.  These things can change any time.

Sleep, again!

It seems to be another day from hell.  Baby will not sleep on his own at all.  He just fell asleep in my lap, and as soon as I put him in the crib he wakes up and cries.  He is still crying.

He has been crying all morning long.  He woke up at 4:30, and fussed off and on in his crib until I finally got up at 5:15 to change him.  I tried putting him back to sleep at 5:30 after changing and nursing, and he went right back to fussing and crying until Hubby got up at 5:45.  I woke up around 6 AM, and have been up ever since.  We tried putting him down around 7 AM, with no success, only more crying and fussing.

Boy is tired and will not sleep.  Mommy is wrung out and tired of dealing with a crabby baby.  I am done.  I do not have the patience for this today.  He is going to scream in his crib for the next hour, but mommy is getting a break.  I am done.

Torn.

There have been a bunch of pregnancy announcements from bloggers who had IVF.  These pregnancy announcements are naturally conceived pregnancies.  I think it is great that they conceived on their own.  I am very happy for them, and I know that they are over the moon.

But.

(There is always a "but" when it comes to infertility, isn't there?)

I want a naturally conceived pregnancy, too.  I wish it was that easy for me.  Some dreams never die, I guess.

For some reason, I know in my heart that I am not going to get it.  I can feel in my bones that I am going to have to go back for an FET with my frozen embryos and eggs. 

Right now, that sort of freaks me out. 

Fortunately, I do not have to do anything about it.  I am still breastfeeding, so an RE would not want to touch me right now, anyway.  I also really would like to have at least two years between children, so now is all wrong anyway.

Try telling that to my heart.  My heart is telling me that I want to do it again, right now!  My head is telling me to chill out and hold off, it will be better later.

Someone tell my heart to shut up.

Do not let me do that again!

I over indulged Saturday night.  Really over-did it.

And sometime on Saturday I one of us picked up a GI bug, and it spread through the entire house.

At first I thought I was hung over.  I was up a 4 AM throwing up.  Not fun.  Then Sunday I felt worse.  Hangover is one thing, and is usually fairly tolerable, but this was something else altogether.  I slept a good part of the day Sunday, and took off work on Monday and Tuesday.  A good amount of that time was spent with baby at daycare or with the grandparents, while I had some quality time in bed. 

I could not eat for two days.  I could finally keep stuff down Tuesday afternoon.

The alcohol was great.  I have not been that drunk in a while.  And now I remember why.  I do not think I want to drink that much again.  Having the GI bug on top of that just made the whole thing worse.

I have a post or two rattling around in my brain, but no time to get them out.  Soon, I hope.  Before I forget them.

Day had not improved.

And I am pissed.  And taking it out on my keyboard.

Baby was up at 4 AM this morning wanting to nurse.  Then he woke at 5 AM.  By 6 AM, I was up.  Baby has now had breakfast and is back down for a nap.  But mommy is tired and crabby as she has been up by 5 AM every morning.  Either with the baby or getting ready for work.  All I wanted was a day to sleep in.  Apparently I do not get those now.

And then he would not nap at all today.  Not once.  Which means that mommy has not had a break.  At all.  And baby has been crabby and fussy all day, no matter what I try.  So not fun.  I am about ready to scream.  Unfortunately, baby is in the crib doing that right now.  Notice that he is screaming instead of sleeping.  Honestly, mommy had had enough.  He can be crabby by himself in the crib if he is not going to sleep.  I am done.

The only bright spot is that we have a sitter tonight, and we can drink.  I hope like hell he SLEEPS tonight!  I want a worry free evening!

How quickly it all comes back.

I have a co-worker who is pregnant.  She is still early in her pregnancy, and it is her first child.

I am happy for her.  But...

I want one more.  I love my son.  I think he is beautiful and perfect and wonderful.  But I do want another child.

I am jealous of how easily she got pregnant.  It is not fair.

She probably got a surprise in a positive pregnancy test.  I got blood draws and surprise beta numbers.

She did not have to work for it.  I did.  I got injections and scans and procedures.  If I want another child, I will probably have to get more injections and scans and procedures.

She has a naivete I never did.  I have a hunch she is not worried about miscarrying during the first trimester, or when the baby is viable.

How quickly it all comes back.  The jealousy, the envy, the big green monster.

I am jealous of her naturally conceived child.  Something I will likely never have.

When the cat is away...

The mice will play! 

Hubby is off with his dad this weekend on a hunting trip.  It is just me, my friend, and the baby. 

I just wish the weather would be better!  I would love to explore local parks with him now that he is walking!  I also have a sand table for him, and I wanted to let him play with it actually filled up with sand.  (He actually likes it as it is, without the sand.) It is cold today and it is supposed to be wet and cold tomorrow.  Sigh.

I hope to get my grocery shopping done tomorrow morning while my friend watches him.  Maybe I will pick up same sand while I am out.  Tomorrow night we are going to have a girl's night.  I have a sitter coming over, and the girls are going to go out!  I am pretty excited about it.  It has been a while since I have done something like that.

I hope to walk the dogs today, despite the cold.  I think they would enjoy it, and the baby does not mind the cold for a little bit.  I think the dogs are going to get short walks today, but at least they will get walked!

Sunday, I hope to make it to church and the gym  I think that should be possible.  Maybe I will even try to catch some of the big football game on Sunday.  We will see.  I have no set plans. 

That seems to be my weekend.  Wishing everyone a relaxing weekend, whatever you are doing!

Stuff.

Another bullet post of miscellany.

• Yes, it was wonderful to get sleep last night.  I hope I can get a repeat soon.  Keeping fingers crossed, but not holding out a lot of hope.  I bet he wakes up at 2AM tonight.
• Hubby has me hooked on Big Bang Theory.  Love it so much!  It would not take much to put me in geek territory.  Also, I think I have a crush on Leonard.  So cute!
• Gertrude is doing great after her surgery.  She is gaining weight again, and she is not having any accidents in the house.  She does not appreciate all the cold weather, though.  She is spending a lot of time on the couch in between making sure all of her needs are met.
• Baby is doing well, too.  Walking everywhere.  Finally had to get him shoes.   I think I need to get him a better pair.  I just bought him a couple pairs at Wally World.  I think I can do better, though.  Not sure where to look.
• WW is finally working.  I lost two pounds this week.  And it took away a point for my success.  Sigh.  At least the scale is moving in the right direction, though.  That is something.
• Have to get ready for work tomorrow, and drink my medicinal glass of wine.  Hope every one is having great week!

sleep, again

So many of us write on sleep. Sleep deprivation does seem to be an issue.

We actually got sleep last night. Amazing, but true. Little Guy did not need Mommy once last night. I hope I have figured it out. I think he needs water. I started putting him down with a sippy of water, and he seems to like that. I put two sippy cups in his crib last night, and he let us sleep all night.

I think I forgot what 8 hours of consecutive sleep felt like.