Torn.

There have been a bunch of pregnancy announcements from bloggers who had IVF.  These pregnancy announcements are naturally conceived pregnancies.  I think it is great that they conceived on their own.  I am very happy for them, and I know that they are over the moon.

But.

(There is always a "but" when it comes to infertility, isn't there?)

I want a naturally conceived pregnancy, too.  I wish it was that easy for me.  Some dreams never die, I guess.

For some reason, I know in my heart that I am not going to get it.  I can feel in my bones that I am going to have to go back for an FET with my frozen embryos and eggs. 

Right now, that sort of freaks me out. 

Fortunately, I do not have to do anything about it.  I am still breastfeeding, so an RE would not want to touch me right now, anyway.  I also really would like to have at least two years between children, so now is all wrong anyway.

Try telling that to my heart.  My heart is telling me that I want to do it again, right now!  My head is telling me to chill out and hold off, it will be better later.

Someone tell my heart to shut up.

Do not let me do that again!

I over indulged Saturday night.  Really over-did it.

And sometime on Saturday I one of us picked up a GI bug, and it spread through the entire house.

At first I thought I was hung over.  I was up a 4 AM throwing up.  Not fun.  Then Sunday I felt worse.  Hangover is one thing, and is usually fairly tolerable, but this was something else altogether.  I slept a good part of the day Sunday, and took off work on Monday and Tuesday.  A good amount of that time was spent with baby at daycare or with the grandparents, while I had some quality time in bed. 

I could not eat for two days.  I could finally keep stuff down Tuesday afternoon.

The alcohol was great.  I have not been that drunk in a while.  And now I remember why.  I do not think I want to drink that much again.  Having the GI bug on top of that just made the whole thing worse.

I have a post or two rattling around in my brain, but no time to get them out.  Soon, I hope.  Before I forget them.

Day had not improved.

And I am pissed.  And taking it out on my keyboard.

Baby was up at 4 AM this morning wanting to nurse.  Then he woke at 5 AM.  By 6 AM, I was up.  Baby has now had breakfast and is back down for a nap.  But mommy is tired and crabby as she has been up by 5 AM every morning.  Either with the baby or getting ready for work.  All I wanted was a day to sleep in.  Apparently I do not get those now.

And then he would not nap at all today.  Not once.  Which means that mommy has not had a break.  At all.  And baby has been crabby and fussy all day, no matter what I try.  So not fun.  I am about ready to scream.  Unfortunately, baby is in the crib doing that right now.  Notice that he is screaming instead of sleeping.  Honestly, mommy had had enough.  He can be crabby by himself in the crib if he is not going to sleep.  I am done.

The only bright spot is that we have a sitter tonight, and we can drink.  I hope like hell he SLEEPS tonight!  I want a worry free evening!

How quickly it all comes back.

I have a co-worker who is pregnant.  She is still early in her pregnancy, and it is her first child.

I am happy for her.  But...

I want one more.  I love my son.  I think he is beautiful and perfect and wonderful.  But I do want another child.

I am jealous of how easily she got pregnant.  It is not fair.

She probably got a surprise in a positive pregnancy test.  I got blood draws and surprise beta numbers.

She did not have to work for it.  I did.  I got injections and scans and procedures.  If I want another child, I will probably have to get more injections and scans and procedures.

She has a naivete I never did.  I have a hunch she is not worried about miscarrying during the first trimester, or when the baby is viable.

How quickly it all comes back.  The jealousy, the envy, the big green monster.

I am jealous of her naturally conceived child.  Something I will likely never have.

When the cat is away...

The mice will play! 

Hubby is off with his dad this weekend on a hunting trip.  It is just me, my friend, and the baby. 

I just wish the weather would be better!  I would love to explore local parks with him now that he is walking!  I also have a sand table for him, and I wanted to let him play with it actually filled up with sand.  (He actually likes it as it is, without the sand.) It is cold today and it is supposed to be wet and cold tomorrow.  Sigh.

I hope to get my grocery shopping done tomorrow morning while my friend watches him.  Maybe I will pick up same sand while I am out.  Tomorrow night we are going to have a girl's night.  I have a sitter coming over, and the girls are going to go out!  I am pretty excited about it.  It has been a while since I have done something like that.

I hope to walk the dogs today, despite the cold.  I think they would enjoy it, and the baby does not mind the cold for a little bit.  I think the dogs are going to get short walks today, but at least they will get walked!

Sunday, I hope to make it to church and the gym  I think that should be possible.  Maybe I will even try to catch some of the big football game on Sunday.  We will see.  I have no set plans. 

That seems to be my weekend.  Wishing everyone a relaxing weekend, whatever you are doing!

Stuff.

Another bullet post of miscellany.

• Yes, it was wonderful to get sleep last night.  I hope I can get a repeat soon.  Keeping fingers crossed, but not holding out a lot of hope.  I bet he wakes up at 2AM tonight.
• Hubby has me hooked on Big Bang Theory.  Love it so much!  It would not take much to put me in geek territory.  Also, I think I have a crush on Leonard.  So cute!
• Gertrude is doing great after her surgery.  She is gaining weight again, and she is not having any accidents in the house.  She does not appreciate all the cold weather, though.  She is spending a lot of time on the couch in between making sure all of her needs are met.
• Baby is doing well, too.  Walking everywhere.  Finally had to get him shoes.   I think I need to get him a better pair.  I just bought him a couple pairs at Wally World.  I think I can do better, though.  Not sure where to look.
• WW is finally working.  I lost two pounds this week.  And it took away a point for my success.  Sigh.  At least the scale is moving in the right direction, though.  That is something.
• Have to get ready for work tomorrow, and drink my medicinal glass of wine.  Hope every one is having great week!

sleep, again

So many of us write on sleep. Sleep deprivation does seem to be an issue.

We actually got sleep last night. Amazing, but true. Little Guy did not need Mommy once last night. I hope I have figured it out. I think he needs water. I started putting him down with a sippy of water, and he seems to like that. I put two sippy cups in his crib last night, and he let us sleep all night.

I think I forgot what 8 hours of consecutive sleep felt like.