I recently read a blog post written by a college classmate which got me thinking about my journey.
She talked about looking back and thinking about how great the old days were. It is very easy to remember the good things, and forget about the bad stuff. Before we had the Little Dude we were very independent. We could travel easily, go out when we wanted, without worrying about a little one. We had gotten very complacent about our lives without children. I suspect that if IVF had not worked, we would be living child-free.
But the nice things are not the only things I want to remember from that time. I also remember the pain of hearing yet another pregnancy announcement. (Pregnancy announcement were especially painful if I had my period.) Avoiding baby showers. Avoiding baby stores, and baby sections of stores. Wondering when it will be my turn. Being angry with my body for failing me. That experience should not be discounted. It is part of what made me who I am now.
Now that we have the little one, a lot has changed. We now have the little one to worry about. We need to plan and coordinate our nights out. I have to stop every few hours and feed the baby. Many blog posts are one handed now as I spend a lot of time holding the baby. I miss having big chunks of quiet time to journal, meditate, or blog. (We have not gotten into regular napping schedules, yet.) Blog posts come when I have the time, and they are often rushed. Right now, I can only do so much. Which is as it should be, I think.
I would not trade this experience for anything, though. One thing IF has taught me is that any moment with your child is special. I know how fortunate I am to have the Little Dude. I know what a miracle he is. I very likely know this in ways that fertiles don't. It is amazing that he is even here. Every moment is precious. Often I miss opportunities for writing because I am spending time with the baby. I want to treasure every moment. It will never be like this again.
Right now I think it is important that I learn to enjoy the journey. He is changing so fast, and I am changing along with him. I am trying not to think ahead and live in the present moment. That is one of the best things I can do for my little one. From experience I know that this is difficult for me to do. I plan, I worry, I want the best possible outcome. I am trying to change that. It all comes back to "Do without doing." If I do not force things, I will end up where I need to be. I just need to go with the flow.
So for right now, I am trying to keep breathing and enjoy today as much as possible.