Friday, May 14, 2010

Journeys

I recently read a blog post written by a college classmate which got me thinking about my journey.

She talked about looking back and thinking about how great the old days were. It is very easy to remember the good things, and forget about the bad stuff. Before we had the Little Dude we were very independent. We could travel easily, go out when we wanted, without worrying about a little one. We had gotten very complacent about our lives without children. I suspect that if IVF had not worked, we would be living child-free.

But the nice things are not the only things I want to remember from that time. I also remember the pain of hearing yet another pregnancy announcement. (Pregnancy announcement were especially painful if I had my period.) Avoiding baby showers. Avoiding baby stores, and baby sections of stores. Wondering when it will be my turn. Being angry with my body for failing me. That experience should not be discounted. It is part of what made me who I am now.

Now that we have the little one, a lot has changed. We now have the little one to worry about. We need to plan and coordinate our nights out. I have to stop every few hours and feed the baby. Many blog posts are one handed now as I spend a lot of time holding the baby. I miss having big chunks of quiet time to journal, meditate, or blog. (We have not gotten into regular napping schedules, yet.) Blog posts come when I have the time, and they are often rushed. Right now, I can only do so much. Which is as it should be, I think.

I would not trade this experience for anything, though. One thing IF has taught me is that any moment with your child is special. I know how fortunate I am to have the Little Dude. I know what a miracle he is. I very likely know this in ways that fertiles don't. It is amazing that he is even here. Every moment is precious. Often I miss opportunities for writing because I am spending time with the baby. I want to treasure every moment. It will never be like this again.

Right now I think it is important that I learn to enjoy the journey. He is changing so fast, and I am changing along with him. I am trying not to think ahead and live in the present moment. That is one of the best things I can do for my little one. From experience I know that this is difficult for me to do. I plan, I worry, I want the best possible outcome. I am trying to change that. It all comes back to "Do without doing." If I do not force things, I will end up where I need to be. I just need to go with the flow.

So for right now, I am trying to keep breathing and enjoy today as much as possible.

4 comments:

Niki said...

I like this post. Sometimes its so hard to live in the present, especially when it comes to infertilty.
Thank you for stopping by and the supporting words I appreciate them.

Jamie said...

You are so right - I need to spend more time myself enjoying the journey. It seems like the journey moves so quickly most days.

Somedays I stop and realize how I can listen to other people talk about their children and babies and not cringe. That place seems so far away now.

Kristin said...

Truly a beautiful post. Thanks for the reminder of how important it is to be in the present.

DaisyGal said...

here from the roundup...

what a BEAUTIFUL post, truly.

I feel the words of this post every day, because I am 40, because I was IF (and still am) for 4 yrs, because I have twins that are 2 and suck the energy right out of the days. It's hard to live here, to remember to put your lips to your babies' head and just breathe them in instead of folding the laundry.
Plus, I understand that "loss" of that other life, in fact I just wrote a post this week about it, about losing things that have become familiar , even the IF in many ways. Was I happier then? Not necessarily, but it doesn't mean I wasn't happy jetting off to sunny places, or spending $$$ like sailors on leave.
for every window that opened, a door did close. And sometimes it's not easy not to think about the grass somewhere else.

your post really spoke to me, I'm glad I found it. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!