Monday, August 29, 2011

And this week starts with....

An ear infection. Sigh. I am so over August at this point. I want it to be September so badly, I keep thinking that next month is October.

It can only get better, right? The silver lining to today is that I got an unexpected day off to take the Little Guy to the doctor. I got caught up on some chores and baked chocolate chip cookies. So the day was not a complete loss. And I get Labor Day off.

Tomorrow I have to redo my pap, which was unable to be done at the time of my yearly appointment, because of AF. Hopefully the appointment will not take too long, and Little Guy will go down for a nap in the afternoon.

I am vetting a new sitter with the baby and dogs on Thursday. Hopefully she can sit on Saturday. Our date nights are important to our marriage. It gives us a space to be husband and wife rather than mommy and daddy. And we really need that, so our date nights are more than a luxury. I know that we are lucky, and not everyone can do this. I highly recommend getting a sitter, even if it is once every few months. Fingers crossed that we can get a sitter this weekend...

Friday I have a play date with a mother from my mother's group. We are going to the zoo. I think it is more a play date for the mothers rather than the kids. I think she may have one child around Little Guy's age, but I suspect her children are older.

I actually really love my mother's group. They are very open and inclusive. They even asked me to share my knowledge of baby wearing and lead a playgroup which includes baby wearing. They all really believe that that only way to make motherhood happen successfully is to support each other. But there are times (like when a mother announces she is TTC) where I can really see how my perspective is rather different. Infertility really skews your point of view.

I have been driving the Sienna for about a week, and it still sort of feels like a rental car. Everything is so new and then there are all the toys! Bluetooth, XM, and power sliding doors! It is a little unreal that the car is really mine and I do not need to give it back. My mother thinks I should name the car. Nothing comes immediately to mind, though I sometimes think of it as Behemoth, as it is so big. Mini-van is a bit of a misnomer. Minivans these days are not small.

I wish everyone a good week!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I give up.

I am just going to focus on getting through the end of the month. August is such a weird month, and something always seems to go screw-y during the month.

It was another weird week. Maybe it was the earthquake and the hurricane threat.

Monday we managed to pick up the minivan. But it took forever, and the baby got to sleep later than usual. Which meant a cranky baby until we could get him home and in bed. Sigh.

Tuesday I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon during Little Guy's nap time. I was sort of rushed because I had a mother's group thing I wanted to attend.

Wednesday I worked.

Thursday I managed to get the day wrong for my hair appointment. Turned out all right, though. She managed to fit me in. Thank goodness.

Thursday was also the only day we were able to get a sitter. So our date night was unexpectedly early this week.

Oh, and I have been purging stuff from closets all week. That has felt really good, and I managed to find my old mac. I have started using that more than the netbook. But the old mac has its downsides, too. It is an older OS, and it is slooow. Still better than the netbook with windows OS which seems to be restarted for an update several times a day. (OK, maybe the netbook only needs to be restarted once a day, but it is still more than the mac OS.)

The track has been closed all week, and I do not have the jogger. I noticed today that the track will be closed part of this week, too.

I know that there are some great things that happened over the past couple of weeks. (New car, Monday off, found my old mac. And I planned a play date with another mother from my mothers group.) But the little stuff is getting me down.

Maybe it is just the time of year.

I am just going to make it through the next week, and restart in September. I have good stuff planned for September. Story time at the library, swim lessons, play dates with my mother's group. The track should be open again, and I can run.

I am even going to try my hand at making some footed sleepers for Little Guy. I cannot find any toddler footed sleepers which are not fleece and fit normally. It is driving me a little batty. He does not sleep with a blanket, and the footed sleepers keep him warm when our nights get cool. And the sleeper is harder to take off than any of the two piece pajamas. (That way I get to change crib sheets less.)

Knit footed sleepers seem like something many toddler parents would love to have. So, Why cannot not find these in toddler sizes anywhere other than old navy?

I hope your August is better than mine.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Going to hell.

Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

I intended to keep up with running this month. I was going to use a jogger I borrowed from my mother and try to run outside. Not so much. The track at the gym is closed this week, and I have not been able to get over there to use the pool. When I did have the jogger, all I managed to do was put air in the tires. I know, it is pretty sad. Running is mostly about persistence, so I really need to keep running. I promise to keep at it and not give up.

I have not kept up with WW lately. I really meant to start recording after my crappy week, but I still have not started back. Sigh. And I am going to put it off some more. Just because I am lazy.

Probably the thing I feel worst about, though occurred at my mother's group yesterday.

One of the mothers was all excited that she had removed her IUD and was going for a second child. She was all excited about the upcoming pregnancy. I wish her all the best, and I hope she does get pregnant quickly. The alternative is not very fun, I would know. Don't worry, I did not say anything to spoil her excitement. (And I do think she is allowed to be excited. Really!) I went with the old adage, and did not say a word. There were other mothers there who could be excited with her.

I did not say anything, mainly because I was green with jealousy. I wish it was that easy for us. It really sounds like fun. Have sex, make a baby. What a concept! But I have not even had to prevent pregnancy, because the chances of me getting pregnant are slim to none. Probably closer to none, given our history. Sex for us has nothing to do with procreation. Though it is fun.

And now I get to watch this woman turn up pregnant in a couple of months, and I should probably be all excited about it. Because that is what is expected. But pregnant women still sort of wig me out a little. Maybe because it is another reminder of what should come easily, but does not. It makes me think about what I need to do to get pregnant.

The experience did seem to highlight differences in fertile vs infertile women. There is definitely an innocence about women who have not had to deal with infertility. They can start out thinking everything is rosy and nothing bad is going to happen. And more often that not, nothing bad does happen. Whereas I, like many infertiles, are rather cynical about the entire process. Maybe even a little bitter about what we have lost. We do not have that opportunity to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. We need a team of highly trained medical professionals in order to even have a shot at getting pregnant. And we know that every cycle is a crapshoot. Most of ART only puts us on a level playing field with everyone else, and something is bound to go wrong with our cycle. That seems to be the way the world works for us.

That is not to say that infertiles do not have fun with various ART procedures. Though I suspect that there is a good layer of cynicism to the humor. Who would not be able to laugh at hormone pills, injections, and suppositories? After a while, it becomes your normal.

I guess the hardest part of the small exchange was that I was not able to pretend I was a part of the group of "normal" mothers. TTC is so far from my reality that I really could not connect and contribute to the conversation. I think that is what made me saddest of all. I am just starting to get comfortable with being a mother. Now I have to deal with being lapped again.

Monday, August 22, 2011


I spent my free day moving stuff out of the house, and moving stuff around the house. Not furniture, stuff. We have accumulated a lot of stuff with the baby!

I forgot how exhausting purging can be. I feel really tired. I made numerous trips up and down the stairs today. There was a lot of stuff located in the main living area which really needed to be moved out. There was stuff in the basement we needed to get rid of. I even moved moved some of the baby toys into the storage room in an effort to rotate toys and have fewer toys in our living space. (They were toys he was not really playing with right now, so I doubt it will be too big a loss. It is not permanent, anyway.) I even sold a couple of baby things we were not going to use to the consignment shop. And I threw a bunch of stuff out. It was a good day.

The interesting thing about this purge is that nothing in the house changed outwardly. All the furniture and most of the big things are still there. I just moved out stuff from closets. I also got rid of some of the little piles of clutter, which I have not had time to deal with. I think the house feels a little better. There is still a long way to go. There is still a lot of clutter in the house.

But I made a step in the right direction. And it felt good. I think I can breathe a little easier. And maybe I will have the motivation to tackle a closet or drawer during nap time one day.

I even have time for a short break before going to pick up the baby!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I think I see the light!

I finally have a computer again. Thank goodness! I think I was going through computer withdrawal. Though it is not a mac, much to my disappointment. It is a cute little Toshiba netbook, though. Now that I have everything set up, I am much happier. But damn windows is difficult! Why, oh why does windows have to be a pain in the ass to use? When I am installing a program, I do not want to have to OK every damn step in the process. Just install the software. I know that it will probably change a few settings. I am fine with that!

Anyway, I have a computer again. And I am happy.

The other nice thing is that I get the day off from work on Monday. That never would have happened in my old job. I am really looking forward to the day off. I plan on putting the baby in day care and catching up on errands I have been putting off. I may also do something about the toy situation. And work out. And walk the dogs.

I get a new car on Monday! It feels very strange. I have not told many people about getting a new car. Not sure why. Maybe because it does not seem that real. But Hubby and I are both really excited about it. We cleaned out the jeep in order to make the transfer that much easier. I am really excited about the new sienna! I will try to take pics this week and show it off a little.

What is what is happening over here. I hope everyone has a good start to the week!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


The verdict is in on my computer. My 2 year old macbook pro is fried. They managed to save the harddrive, but the water my toddler dumped on it destroyed it. So I am now computerless. Unfortunately, I do not know if I can afford anoher mac. I suspect I have a PC in my future. Much to my disappointment. I love mac computers.

I heard this news after a sucky day at work being extra again. I am starting to get rather frustrated. The people who make the assignments do not seem to care about preferences. It sort of feels like they are not going to let me circulate again. It is rather wearing.

Just feeling rather down today. Hoping tomorrow will be better. At least I do not have to work.
Off to lose myself in a romance novel.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Touchy feely Tuesday

My computer is now in the shop. I am really hoping that I will not need a new one. I really miss it. The touch screen is just not the same. Though this experience is forcing me to explore the capabilities of my phone and my nook. So I guess it is not all bad. I am not nearly as crippled as I would have been a couple of years ago. Still miss my computer, though.

FIL is buying me a minivan. So excited. The sienna is great value, so I get lots of cool stuff, like bluetooth and rear facing camera to help me back up. Not to mention all wheel drive, and it it much cheaper than the honda minivan. I think we finally decided on the dark turquoise color. A little funky, and is not gold.

I am the highlighted mother in my mother's group this month. I get to answer a few questions in the newsletter. It will help people get to know me better.

I am seriously thinking about making my own conversion wrap. This wrap has the ease of a mei tei, but with wide straps like a wrap carrier. I think I have the sewing skills to do it. My mei tei body ripped, and I cannot use it any more. I really miss it. The person I got the carrier from is insanely busy. (Obimama on etsy, in case you were wondering. Her slings and carriers are divine!) Maybe someday I will get another carrier from her.

Monday, August 15, 2011


This is not how I wanted to start my week.

I had to do discharges today at work. I know it is part of my job, but I always feel like I am being punished when I am not in the OR.

Then I was unable to work out or walk the dogs. I got sucked into the computer.

Then the baby spllied water on my computer after I got him home from day care. Now my computer does not work. I know I still have internets, but I still geel crippled with my 'puter. I am using my nook to post this. Not optimal.

All is not too bad, though. FIL is buying me a Sienna. So I will have a new car soon.
And I am debating making a wrap conversion sytlle carrier to replace my mei tei.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Energy Suck

Little Guy has been a real energy suck recently.  It is very frustrating.  The time I do have away from him, I have not wanted to blog because I just want to sit in my own space.

We are in the middle of separation anxiety.  I cannot leave him for anything.  He cries and gets really upset.  I know it is normal, and I am doing all the "right" things.  Saying a perfunctory, "Mommy loves you and misses you while she is gone.  I will see you later.  I love you!"  And then quickly leaving.  And breathe a sigh of relief that I did it, and try to move on.  So hard.

When he is with me, I have to be right there with him.  Most of the time he will follow me if I have to do something.  The trouble is that he is into everything!  I cannot leave him alone even for a second, or he will get into something he is not supposed to be into.  G-d forbid I try to take it away, either.  He will pitch a fit.  I have started putting him in his crib if he is inconsolable and unable to be distracted.  I know he is safe in there, and the worst he does is throw everything out of the crib.  I get him out when he has calmed down and is better able to be distracted. 

But the tantrums are horrible.  He will tantrum at the drop of a hat, and of course, I am supposed to stay calm every time he throws a fit.  (Like every five minutes.)  Because I am the parent and all that.  It just gets hard because after a couple hours of tantrums, I lose my calm.  I get frustrated because there is no way I can console him, and he refuses to be distracted.  I am exhausted by the end of the day.

Lately, I think the straw which broke the camel's back is Hubby's grouchiness.  Hubby has been grouchy for one reason or another lately.  While he does not tantrum like the toddler, he will complain more and get frustrated more easily.  

It just feels like I cannot win lately.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my last post!  I really appreciate the encouragement!  I will continue to run, as it helps with the stress of the day.  I am progressing really slow, though.  Hubby thinks I should work on speed first, but it makes more sense to me to work on increasing distance first.  Yes, I am very slow.  But hopefully by starting slow, I can keep good running form and hopefully prevent injuries down the line.  At this point, I am not concerned with winning anything.  I just want to finish something!

I want to try to get out with the jogger at least three times this month.  I do not think that is a lot to do.  It may not happen at all until next week.  We will see how it goes.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Running with Babies

I have not posted a lot about my running journey, but I am consistently running.  A good thing for everyone, I think.  I can run almost half a mile at at stretch around our track at the gym.  I suspect I will get up to a half mile in the next couple of weeks.  That is what I am hoping, at least.

I like running at the gym because it is just me running on the track.  I can turn up my music on my ipod and go.  I do not have to worry about keeping up with anyone else.  And it is a fairly large indoor track, at about 1/8 mile.  I have been counting laps, but I may need to switch to keeping track of time.  I get zoned out and forget to count laps.  I guess I need to buy a watch.

But the gym's track will only get me so far.  I have a suspicion that in order to train for a 5K, I am going to have to get outside and run.  I think I have a decent place I can run, not far from my house.  It is a bike trail which follows a river, so I am fairly sure that the going will be mostly flat.  (I am not up for hills right now, and my neighborhood is all hills.  And not small hills, either!)  The trail actually starts at the mall, if you can believe it!

I plan on trying to jog with a jogger stroller.  To start with, I am going to borrow my mother's bob.  That way I do not have to buy it if I find I hate running with a stroller.  I have heard a lot of good things about the bob stroller.  Hopefully I can make it work.  I like that it has the fixed wheel at the front.  And it is the bob with the really big tires, so it can "off road" a little easier.

Why am I telling you this?  Well, I am hoping that you could help me get up the courage to actually get out and run.  I would love to hear about tips and tricks for jogging with a stroller.  How can I run without losing too much of my form?  Is there anything I should beware of?  Any info would help!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Touchy-feely Tuesday

  • Fell off the wagon last weekend with WW.  I gave up because I was not happy about having to take classes for work over the weekend.  And I really did not want to think about it.
  • On the bright side, I got Monday off, so it was not too bad.  And I do not think I went too far off WW.  I still went to the gym when I could. 
  • I cannot believe I am thinking of doing the Drumstick Dash this year.  It sounds like it is pretty low key, as a lot of people walk it.  So it seems like a good one for someone who is unsure about races.  I am aiming for running it.  (Side benefit:  it helps the local rescue mission.)
  • I have a long way to go, though.  I am not quite up to running 1/2 mile at a stretch.  Sigh.  I think what I am going to do is seriously consider it if I can run at least 1 mile.  So we will see.  I need to run more often, though.  At least it gives me a goal, which can be very motivating.
  • Going on a picnic with my mother's group today.  I hope that it is not too hot.  At least it will wear the Little Guy out.  Which is good, because he is napping this morning, so his afternoon nap will be screwed up unless he has a big activity this morning.
  • I work two days in a row this week.  Tomorrow and Thursday.  Sigh.  At least I get it over with.
  • Really need to walk the dogs today.  I have been very irregular about it.  They really do better with a walk.
I think that is all I have for now!