Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Going to hell.

Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

I intended to keep up with running this month. I was going to use a jogger I borrowed from my mother and try to run outside. Not so much. The track at the gym is closed this week, and I have not been able to get over there to use the pool. When I did have the jogger, all I managed to do was put air in the tires. I know, it is pretty sad. Running is mostly about persistence, so I really need to keep running. I promise to keep at it and not give up.

I have not kept up with WW lately. I really meant to start recording after my crappy week, but I still have not started back. Sigh. And I am going to put it off some more. Just because I am lazy.

Probably the thing I feel worst about, though occurred at my mother's group yesterday.

One of the mothers was all excited that she had removed her IUD and was going for a second child. She was all excited about the upcoming pregnancy. I wish her all the best, and I hope she does get pregnant quickly. The alternative is not very fun, I would know. Don't worry, I did not say anything to spoil her excitement. (And I do think she is allowed to be excited. Really!) I went with the old adage, and did not say a word. There were other mothers there who could be excited with her.

I did not say anything, mainly because I was green with jealousy. I wish it was that easy for us. It really sounds like fun. Have sex, make a baby. What a concept! But I have not even had to prevent pregnancy, because the chances of me getting pregnant are slim to none. Probably closer to none, given our history. Sex for us has nothing to do with procreation. Though it is fun.

And now I get to watch this woman turn up pregnant in a couple of months, and I should probably be all excited about it. Because that is what is expected. But pregnant women still sort of wig me out a little. Maybe because it is another reminder of what should come easily, but does not. It makes me think about what I need to do to get pregnant.

The experience did seem to highlight differences in fertile vs infertile women. There is definitely an innocence about women who have not had to deal with infertility. They can start out thinking everything is rosy and nothing bad is going to happen. And more often that not, nothing bad does happen. Whereas I, like many infertiles, are rather cynical about the entire process. Maybe even a little bitter about what we have lost. We do not have that opportunity to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. We need a team of highly trained medical professionals in order to even have a shot at getting pregnant. And we know that every cycle is a crapshoot. Most of ART only puts us on a level playing field with everyone else, and something is bound to go wrong with our cycle. That seems to be the way the world works for us.

That is not to say that infertiles do not have fun with various ART procedures. Though I suspect that there is a good layer of cynicism to the humor. Who would not be able to laugh at hormone pills, injections, and suppositories? After a while, it becomes your normal.

I guess the hardest part of the small exchange was that I was not able to pretend I was a part of the group of "normal" mothers. TTC is so far from my reality that I really could not connect and contribute to the conversation. I think that is what made me saddest of all. I am just starting to get comfortable with being a mother. Now I have to deal with being lapped again.


Nadine said...

And thats why I'm not part of a real "mommy group", I have tried a few and can't stand them, it's like high school and I'm not part of the "mommy group" that call formula, the "f word", nut bars.

I track my food on live strong, it's fantastic, and you can doi it from an iPad.

~Jess said...

I don't know if there is a mommy group around here, but I do know that just at swimming lessons, it's this clicky-bitch fest...which I have no desire to be a part of.