Saturday, January 31, 2009

I am surprised I am not going a little batty.

OK. IUI yesterday, waiting today. Just not sure if it will work, but trying to think positive. Even if it does not work, I have an appointment with my Richmond RE for IVF on Thursday. I was very surprised he could see me that quickly, but I think it will work out. At least I hope so.

As if that was not enough going on, there is the situation with my grandfather. The news from the oncologist was not good. Apparently, the cancer is advanced enough that it will not respond to chemo or radiation therapy. The oncologist would not nail down a time frame. I think it is hard for him to see exactly how sick he is while he is recovering from major surgery. I hope that the oncologist will re-assess after my grandfather heals some. He may be able to give us a time frame then. My family is already looking at hospice care and when that may happen. I think that would be a good thing all around. Hospice nurses have to have a special touch.

I am sort of worried about my family. My mother and my aunt have to come to terms with the fact that their father is going to die. I think that is hard on anyone. But the person I am most worried about is my grandmother. She has built her life around caring for my grandfather. To lose your significant other must feel like losing a piece of yourself. She may rally eventually, but at first she will likely be lost.
At least with this situation, she has some time to come to terms with the loss. I do not think it helps the grieving process any, but I hope it helps somehow.

Friday, January 30, 2009


IUI went fine. I did not get out of there until 10 AM. Which made me late. Sigh. I hated making the appointment that late. I usually have to be at work before 7 AM, so getting there at 10 AM means that I miss almost a half day of work.

On my way to the IUI this morning, my Richmond RE office calls. I now have an appointment on Thursday for IVF! (It was vastly entertaining to watch me in the car. I had the sample under my arm, my phone in my hand, and I had to dig out my calendar.) It is late in the day, and I have to get out of work the next day. But getting this IVF appointment will mean that we will hopefully be get up for IVF next cycle, should this IUI not work out. Damn waiting game.

I will post more later, really.

IUI today. Let the wait begin!

I have my IUI at 9 AM this morning, then I have to go into work. I am not assigned to a room, so I will likely be bounced around all day. How not fun. If I am lucky, I will get to finish a room at 3 PM.

I looked at my calendar yesterday, and I realized that with the IUI today, my period will be due Valentine's day weekend. So Valentine's day will either really suck or be really great. Not a lot of in between. We are going to be at my parents that weekend, so maybe they will be a distraction for us. I do not know.

I have been trying to make an appointment with my RE in Richmond. (My guess would be that he would want to see me first, before starting anything. It has been over a year since he has seen me.) Or at least figure out the first step toward IVF. Between my schedule and theirs, I do not think I will have a whole lot of luck until one of my days off. I am really hard to reach at work. My next day off is next week. All I can do is keep trying, I guess. I really want to go back to this doctor, because I liked him. If I cannot get in touch with him, I guess it was not meant to be. And I will try somewhere else. I think there is a clinic in Charlottesville which is supposed to be good.

I think I am not feeling very hopeful at the moment.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Here we go again

RE appointment went well. I only have about 3 follicles on the right this time. Hopefully one of them will produce an egg which meets with a sperm.

We trigger ovulation tonight and inseminate on Friday morning. Then we wait. Again. The waiting just kills me.

I still have not gotten my schedule for next month. The new schedule starts on Monday. You would think that they could get it out at a reasonable time. One of my many frustrations with my job at the moment. Or maybe it is just irritability from the hormones. One or the other.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Grateful for small things.

It was the small things which made the day decent. I was with a really nice surgeon today. He did not yell or throw tantrums. Made for a decent day. I got my schedule mixed up, and I only had to work 8 hours today, not 12 like I thought.

Getting off early was a gift. I am really tired and feeling down. The follistim is really wiping me out, I think. I feel like if I can get through the week, things will be better next week. I trigger ovulation at some point this week. Which means that the last hormones I will get this cycle will be this week. Then we wait and see. I feel like the wait is worst part of the entire process. Even worse than the fatigue.

My grandfather has his surgery today, so I guess/hope I will hear something soon. Will let you know more later. (When I hear something.)

Update on my grandfather: Apparently, when they got inside they fond adenocarcinoma wrapped around his duodenum. Apparently it is very vascular and wrapped around the duodenum (the first part of the small intestine). The GI surgeon doing the procedure could not do anything, and referred my grandfather to an oncologist. I just know my aunt and grandmother are going a little crazy. Anytime the word cancer gets mentioned, people go crazy. We will see what the oncologist says. Maybe he can help.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Cooter cam appointment this afternoon

Cooter cam appointment was a success. I did my bloodwork before work, which was really early because I had to play with the robot today. RE said that my bloodwork looked good. Hooray! All of my follicles seem to be on the right side this time, and I only have about 3. Hopefully one or two of them will be good eggs. I go back for another cooter cam appointment on Wednesday. RE said that we would likely trigger on Wednesday. I think that means that the insemination will be Thursday. I doubt work will be happy about me slipping out early on Wednesday, and late on Thursday. But there you are. At least one of my managers understands, so it should be all right.

Grandfather is back in the hospital, though. Apparently, the blockage reappeared or something, so they are going to do a laparotomy and resect that area of the small intestine. I suspect that they are also going to check and make sure that there is nothing else going on. He is otherwise healthy, so I suspect he will come through this without too many complications.

Still have not gotten my schedule for the next month. Not that it would matter, I do not have any time today or tomorrow to call and make any kind of appointment. Wednesday or Thursday is my next best shot at calling my Richmond RE and making an appointment. Hopefully I will have my schedule by then.

LOL Monday

I missed last Monday, with everything that was going on, so I will try to make up for it now by giving you two LOLs today.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

I hope everyone has a good Monday!

Sunday, January 25, 2009


I am feeling achy and irritable today. Some of what I am feeling may be the result of the follistim injections. I feel like I am just going through the motions this cycle. I am doing the injections and going to my cooter cam appointments, but I am not thinking about how this cycle will turn out. Maybe I will get lucky, but I just do not know.

I have been thinking about all the stuff infertiles are told when we open up about or infertility. I have heard some of it again recently. I feel like I have heard it all. I went off BCP in 1998, so I have had a decade to hear everything. There are some things which I just want to smack people when I hear it.

1. "Just relax." Personally, I have not heard this for a while. I think I get a pass on this when I tell people that we are using injectable meds. I believe that fact indicates that we have some major infertility issues. This piece of advice is given to infertiles way more often than it should. It still pisses me off, though. I have had years to try to relax and take vacations. With nothing to show for it. I do not think relaxing is going to help after a decade.

2. "Why don't you just adopt?" This is the one I have gotten more recently. I feel like this is just ignorant. There is no "just" with adopting. It is not simple and easy. I feel like it is telling someone, "why don't you just go to medical school?" It takes a lot of time, energy and expense to do both. Compared to IVF, it is just as expensive (if not more expensive) to adopt. It is also very invasive. With adoption, you have idiot social workers climbing all over your house and your life and your relationships. It is not the type of invasion that Hubby and I are willing to put up with. Yes, we thought about adopting, and then decided not to. Unless you have researched it yourself, do not judge.

2b. The story of the friend (or friend of a friend) who concieved after adopting a child. Many times this story will follow the above question. Not helpful. I feel like I have heard too many of these stories. They are all the same, and can be summarized by the above sentence. These stories do not give me hope. These stories do not relate to anything I am doing, and tell me that you do not know much about infertility, and that you do not really want to listen to my story and my stuggles. Most people going through infertility hear these stories on a regular basis, and I swear we all feel like it is an urban myth. It never happens to us, and often we know enough about our IF issues that the stories do not even apply to us. Do not tell me any more of these stories. I hate them.

3. If you have to change the subject, please do not discuss your children, or your pregnancy. Because I am infertile, I do not have children, and there is a chance I may never get pregnant. When you talk about your children, it only makes me feel slightly isolated from you. It makes me feel empty and reinforces what I do not have, and what I may never have. Just because you have children does not make you better than me. There is more to life than your children. Get over it.

These are just the ones that are foremost in my mind right now. I am sure there are others which I missed . Anyone else want to rant with me?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Slow Saturday

Well, sort of slow at any rate. I got my hair cut this morning at 8 AM, and then went by my favorite bakery this morning to pick up a few goodies. Now I am just hanging out with Hubby and dogs. Thinking about going to the library later. Not sure what else I am going to do today.

My RE has me on a lower dose of Follistim this cycle, so I am not as irritable or puffy as last time. I am trying to meditate every day, and I am trying to keep working out. I think it is helping to keep me sane. (Or at least not as crazy as last time.) We will see what happens.

By the way, my grandfather is at home, they never did surgery, but the MDs did check to make sure the blockage was gone. I think he is going back for an EGD as an outpatient. I think everyone is happy that he is at home and doing better.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Again with the ketchup!

There are times when I feel like I am constantly behind. I know I have a good excuse, what with traveling to NoVa, and all of that. But I still do not like it.

I finally have a day to catch up on all the stuff I wanted to do over the weekend. I doubt I will get it all done. But I will at least make a dent in my to do list, and hopefully it will be enough to keep me sane. I just finished taking care of personal paperwork, and I am taking a break before I start to put the house back together. All Hubby did this weekend was clean the kitchen and vacuum the floors. I guess that is better than nothing, and I appreciate the fact that he did it. (Hey always encourage hubbies when they do house work. They may be willing to do it again!) But I still am staring at all of the clutter. The sheets on our bed were not changed, and the bathrooms were not clean. Apparently, those are always my jobs, no matter what I did that weekend. Despite the fact that I work full time, and I am the one who gets to deal with all the IF appointments. Oh Yeah, and I traveled to NoVa to deal with my crazy family. I wish he could have cut me more a break. Just this once. But because I did not ask him to do it, he did not. I guess he finds it hard to think for himself. (Soon I will be able to let this go. Really. I just needed a rant a bit about it here.)

I am trying to get up the gumption to call my RE in Richmond. Murgdan over at Conceive This! wrote about being too chicken to call her RE. It really resonated with me. I think because I have been putting it off, too. I can make all sorts of excuses, but the bottom line is that I think I am freaked about about doing IVF. Hubby spoke with his dad the other night. Apparently he is willing to pay for IVF. (The full $20,000 for the shared risk program!) That excuse is gone. I could use my schedule as an excuse to put it off another week. I should get my schedule for February next week, though. So that excuse will be gone soon. I will likely need to coordinate any appointment I have with my days off, so knowing my schedule is important. I am also in the middle of an IUI cycle. So I guess there is not really any hurry. On the other hand, I do not want to put it off too long because I am getting older.

All right, I hereby resolve to call my Richmond RE by the end of January. I am more likely to make an appointment I can keep if I wait until next week. Who else is with me? I know there are others out there who are nervous about it. As you make your appointments, I would love to know that you have done it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Apparently all systems are go!

I did survive the weekend, but I was pretty fried on Sunday. I kept falling asleep right after Hubby took me out to dinner. It was darn pitiful.

The good news is that things seem to be looking all right with my grandfather. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and your prayers. They meant a lot to me. Apparently whatever is causing the blockage is on the outside of the duodenum. (That is the first part of the small intestine for those not in the know.) So they can go in and do an exploratory laparoscopy (way less invasive than a laoparotomy), and hopefully fix the blockage. The other part of the good news is that it is likely not cancer. They have an excellent surgeon, and I really think he will be all right. Likely he will be home by the end of the week. Just a wild (and mildly educated) guess.

Work still seems to be going well. They apparently like to put me in difficult cases because they can. Some days it would be nice to come in and be assigned to a room where the surgeon is not all that tempermental, and the procedures are relatively straightforward. Is that too much to ask? The all-day cases and the complex rob.ot cases can get a little old after a while. I only had one case today, but it was still going when I left work. Apparently this lady was getting the works. She was having a mastectomy, and then getting both her breasts reconstructed. Did I mention we had to flip her on her belly partway through the procedure, and then flip her back on her back? Keeping track of the counts was a chore in itself.

And last, but not least, the IF stuff. I started my period Friday. Yeah, in the middle of all this family and hospital drama, I get my period. Lucky me. That means I had to do the baseline ultrasound today. And I had to get off work early for the baseline ultrasound. I was very happy that it was possible. They even got me off work early enough to go to the wine store on my way. It was a good thing.

Anyway, all systems are go for IUI with injectables, round 2. I start Follistim injections tonight.

On a sort of side note, things are looking up for this RE to work with my RE in Richmond for the IVF, should we need it. Apparently, the Roanoke RE has worked with my Richmond RE before. Hooray. This could work! Now all I need to do is actually contact my RE in Richmond to get that ball rolling. Soon. Really.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Returning home.

I got out of there before I went crazy. I do not know what it is about hospitals, but they seem to make people a little nuts.

My grandfather is doing well, for the most part. He is sick, but he is not dying. If my family can stay out of the staff's way, he will get the care that he needs. The surgeon and the hospitalist are very competent and the nursing staff are taking good care of him. Those poor med-surg nurses work like dogs and are really under-appreciated. I could never do that. I think I would come home bitter and disillusioned. I guess that is why I work in the OR, and not on the floor.

This is just a quick update, I will write more later. Promise.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I have got to admit it's getting better.

Things are better than I expected in the hospital. My grandfather is awake and alert. They did find a blockage in the small intestine on CT scan. The scope they did the other day did not go far enough to see it. They are doing a longer scope today with the hopes that they will be able to visualize it. I was pretty impressed with general surgeon. He seemed very competent, and acted like a really good surgeon. We should know more after the scope today. They are planning on operating at some point this week.

Unfortunately, my grandfather is still unable to eat. Food will just sit in his stomach because of the blockage. So they will start to feed him through the IV today. He also has to have to NG tube re-placed so there is no further stomach bloating, and so he is less likely to aspirate.

My family has calmed down as well. I am not sure if it is my presence which has calmed them, or if they are calmer simply because they know what the problem is and they are taking steps to deal with it. Things seem to be going well, and I dee no reason why I cannot leave for home on Sunday.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The calm before the storm.

I apparently am not moving fast this morning. I guess that is not surprising, as I could not sleep well last night.

All the stuff I have heard about my grandfather has not been good. The nurses suspect stomach cancer. I know that is not a diagnosis, but I think they know. They are in a position to see everything. I think we will know more after his scope this morning. Dr Google says that one of the late symptoms with stomach cancer is pain and not being able to eat. He has had both symptoms. Then I hear last night that his kidney function is down. Another not good sign. I suspect that by the time I finally get up there, the news will not be good. And I have to attempt to be the sane one. I think that may drive me crazy.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Just trying to rest before the weeekend..

I learned this morning as I was checking my email that my grandfather is in the hospital. My family is going bonkers. Apparently he has a bowel obstruction of some sort. From what I can tell, he is heading for an exploratory laparotomy. They will scope him tomorrow, and probably operate after that.

I am going up to see them tomorrow. I had to call in to work and let them know so that they could cover my shift and call while I am gone. I am not staying indefinitely. Just the weekend. Hopefully things will look better after that. I doubt it will be a fum time. I will likely be the only family member with a semblance of sanity, and that is only because I deal with this stuff every day.

At the moment I am just trying to chill out and rest before I head into the craziness that is our family. I am worried about him, but it is unclear to me how serious it really is. I suspect my perspective on things is different than the rest of my family.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Monday was a No Good, Very Bad Day!

Maybe some of this is my PMS talking, but I am just sort of grumpy about stuff right now.

Monday did not start out all bad. At work I did a case for a grumpy surgeon who cursed at the and the guy's anatomy all day. Made for a not fun case. At least I was with a good group of people. That made it not so bad. After the case I was told to start to set up an ortho case. I hate doing that because I really do not like ortho, and I feel really clueless. The surgeon was running late, so I did not have to actually do the case. Thank goodness for small favors. At least I got off at three. I was not even asked to stay late.

After work I almost forgot to do my errands. I needed to pick up my prescription and the dog's prescription. While I was picking up my prescription I thought I would try to pick up stuff to help keep my face hair-free. (That will come up again later.) On the way to the vet to pick up the dog's meds, I get rear ended while stopped at a red light. As if I did not have enough to deal with that day. After dealing with that and picking up the dog's meds, it is after 5 PM when I get home. (Remember, I left about 3:15 from work.)

When I get home, I thought I would mess around with the depilatory cream. This was a mistake. It made my face all red and blotchy. At this point, I gave up. I was going to try to attend a meeting at the place I train my dogs. (I want to become a member, but I can never seem to make the meetings. It is a little frustrating.) But after the depilatory incident, I decided that it was a sign that it was time to give it up for the day. I spent the rest of the evening on the couch. (I am tempted to a do a post on that lovely PCOS symptom, hairy lip and chin. I think I am having some issues there.)

Then Hubby gets a call to meet his dad. His dad ended up giving him the Christmas gifts we never got over Christmas. Apparently, Hubby's dad needed to go out of town for a bit and they wanted to deal with this before they left. This really pissed Hubby off. I was already pissed off because I knew that something like this would likely happen. So Hubby spent the rest of the evening in a funk. Not a good time to visit our house.

I am not sure how this day will work out. I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me, four hours of which will be spent training for the new OR computer charting program. Supposedly it will be linked to the computer charting program the rest of the hospital uses. I am not sure if that is good or bad at this point. All I know is that so far, the new computer charting program is a pain in the ass for the OR to use because it is not linked into our current OR charting, so we spend a lot of our time going in between the two programs.

Any friggin' day now. I just know that damn period is around the corner. And no one has called to pay for my fertility meds. I sort of need them soon, otherwise we will not be able to do anything this cycle. Damn it.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

LOL Monday

I can just feel my period coming on, so this LOL seemed approriate...

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

I get a little negative right before I get my period. Also, who can really approve of Monday, anyway?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I guess we are not important enough.

Let me start this post by explaining a few things. Hubby's father has been very generous to us. He loves having Hubby in the area, and is very proud of what Hubby has accomplished. If Hubby ever gets up the guts to ask, his father will likely be willing to pay for IVF. That being said, Hubby's stepmother is rather self centered. All of her children have children, and she is ga-ga over the grandchildren. She is constantly going to visit the grandchildren, who live out of the area.

Hubby's dad and stepmother usually do a dinner with us around Christmas and do a gift exchange. I think they feel like it is something they need to do around the holidays. They do not really try to get together with us outside of the holidays. Every now and again they will include us in other holiday celebrations during the year. But it is not a regular thing. I think this is why they do not really know me, and usually do not know how to take me.

Over Christmas they got sick. I think there has been a norovirus sort of thing going around the area. It has been making a lot of people sick. I can understand that. A lot of my co-workers got really sick around the holidays. I know it can be miserable.

Now remember, Hubby's dad and stepmother got sick at the end of December. They still have not gotten together with us to celebrate the holiday. It is almost the middle of January at this point.

Can I say I am a little offended by this? Apparently because we do not have children, we are not high on the priority list. The stepmother has probably been to visit her children and grandchildren. I am sorry, but putting us off makes me feel like we are not as important. I have a feeling that our priority will change when and if we have children. This sort of ticks me off. All I can say is that they will not be high on my priority list after I have children. Especially if this is how they see us now. (Not that they are high on my priority list right now.)

You know what I think should happen? Just give us the damn Christmas gifts when Hubby meets his dad. They meet on a regular basis, so it would be convienient for all involved, and they would not have to do a dinner no one wanted to attend.

Do you think I am too bitter about all of this?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Here we are again

This just seems so familiar. All I am doing right now is waiting for my period to come around. I know nothing will come of this cycle, so I am just waiting.

Not much has happened this week. Just a lot of work and time with Hubby. We are getting cable this weekend. I am very excited about it. There has been a dearth of Ro.we around this house. I have missed "Dirty Jobs" and "Deadliest Catch." Soon I will be able to get my Ro.we fix. We are also planning on finally taking the tree and Christmas decorations down this weekend. I liked the idea of leaving it up through Epiphany. But it is definitely time to come down.

My sister and mother are coming down tomorrow. Hubby is doing my sister's divorce, and she has an appointment with him to do the next step in the process. I have the day off, so hopefully I will be able to spend some time with them. I enjoy seeing them. I look forward to being able to catch up with her.

Speaking of family, we are also meeting my father-in-law and his wife for dinner at some point this weekend. They seem to like me, though I think that they do not really understand me. I guess that is all right. I do not see them very often, so I do not really know them, either. Hubby meets with his dad on a regular basis, and I think they both enjoy the guy time. I am glad he has a relationship with his father.

Gertrude had her first agility class for this session of classes. I was very impressed. I think she is going to do well. I was very impressed that she remembered how to go through the tunnel. She also took to the weave poles really well. I am still not sure if I want to compete with her. I am really just doing it to give her confidence. We also started some clicker training with Oscar. That seems to be working out really well, though we have just started. He seems to respond to the clicker better than to our voice. I will try to keep up with it. Hopefully Hubby will keep up with it, too.

Just hanging around. Waiting. As usual.

Monday, January 5, 2009

LOL Monday

This sort of seemed appropriate after the holidays...

funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

I hope everyone has a good Monday!

Sunday, January 4, 2009


Just not sure I have anything specific to write about today. So, here are some thoughts that are rattling around in my brain.

Today is Hubby's birthday. We went out to dinner last night, and I am spending quality time with him today. (If you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Gotta give him what he wants on his birthday.) He seems content with what I have done for his birthday this year. He was really happy once he realized that he would be 38, not 39 this year. I guess memory is the first thing to go as you get older.

I have discovered facebook. Wow. Who knew you could find so many people online? Absolutely fascinating, and at the same time, rather depressing. So many of the people I used to know in high school and college are now married with children. I am one of a select few who does not have children. I think I relate more to the single people than to the married people. Sad, but true.

My resolutions have been rolling around in my mind, and I think I may try to focus on one habit every week. This week I am going to focus on drinking more water. For most people, this is relatively easy, because they can keep a bottle or cup of water at their desk. For me, this is difficult because of where I work. No food and drink are allowed in the OR. (For obvious reasons.) So I cannot carry a drink around with me. I can try to drink a cup of water every chance I get, but breaks are sometimes few and far between. I need to give this some thought and work on drinking more water when I am not at work.

My work is sending me to AORN Congress this year. I am way excited about it. I love being an OR nurse, and this is a wonderful opportunity for me to expand my knowledge and enthusiasm about OR nursing. So, I will be in Chicago in mid, March. This is the first professional nursing thing I have done. And my work is paying me to go! How cool!

I start another agility class with Gertrude on Monday. I am really excited about it. I am also thinking of starting clicker training with both dogs. I think it could be a useful tool. I am really impressed with Gertrude, because she is not a freaked out by it as I thought she would be. She also caught on really quickly. Oscar needs some direction, but I think it may be a really good tool to use with him. I will try it for a while and see what happens.