Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year, New Outlook?

Trying to keep things in perspective. No baby this year, which really depressed both Hubby and I. But when I think about where I was at the start of last year, I was in a very different place. At this time last year, all I could think about was escape from my unhappiness. I was unhappy where I was, and unhappy with what I was doing. This year things are a lot different. I love what I do, and I love where I live. I have a great life, and I am happy. That counts for a lot, I think. I think Hubby is also happier after all the changes. Hubby is in a place where he can think about different possibilities. I think that makes a difference.

I hope that this year is the year of the baby for us. I think we have decided that we are going to do IVF with ICSI this year. I have high hopes that IVF will work. Hubby has to talk to his dad first, though. Until then, we have one more cycle of IUI with injectable meds. Anything can happen, I guess.

Because it is the start of a new year, I have thought about resolutions. And I do have a few.

1. I need to meditate more. I think I am going to try to meditate in the morning when I wake up. As part of this resolution, I may try to work my way through the Tao Te Ching. I have been attracted to Taoism, and this may be one way to explore it. (By the way, my blog title comes from a Taoist concept, just in case you are curious.)

2. I also need to work out more often. I started running over the past year or two. I found ChiRunning, which is based, in part, on Taoist principles of body mechanics from t'ai chi. One thing I need to work on is working out any time I can. I work long hours some days, and I do not have the time to work out every day. I need to quit with the excuses and just do it whenever I have the time. I just makes me feel better. (Even when I am exhausted!) Hubby will encourage me to work out. He never seems to mind.

3. And last, but not least... I need to eat better. I have not been paying attention to what I eat, and that causes me to gain weight. I know how to do it, and I have the resources. I just need to do it.

I think three resolutions is a nice number, and that is enough. I am not including IF stuff in there, though taking care of myself will likely help with the IF stuff. At least I hope so.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Messing aorund.

I am trying to mess around with how the blog looks. I would love to get a wallpaper of some sort as a background, but I am not sure how to do this on blogger. Or even if I want to. I do sort of like the simplicity of what I have. I think it makes it easier to read. It is sort of bland, though. I do not know. Any thoughts?

I guess I will figure it out eventually.

Off to bed. I want to get rest for my day off tomorrow. Deep fry party at my house! Alohol will be served. We are doing our annual batch of fried pickles. Yummy!

I hipe everyone has a happy and safe new year!

Monday, December 29, 2008

LOL Monday

Because Dane puppies are so damn cute...

funny pictures of dogs with captions
see more puppies

I hope everyone has a good Monday!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Looking to the New Year

Stuff always seems to come up for me during meeting. One thought I had was that I did a lot this past year. We both moved across the state. I started a new job, Hubby started a new business. We sold a house, and bought a house. We started making a life here in Roanoke. The infertility stuff was the least of our worries over the past year.

Now that we are more more stable, we can really focus on getting pregnant and starting a family. I need to take a chilly pill and realize that there is time for this. Hubby's perspective changes as he feels less threatened by other circumstances. This may be part of why he has changed his mind about IVF. I just wish he would make up his mind so that we can pursue it or not. I feel like the best chances we have of conceiving lie with IVF or with donor insemination. I guess the IUI with injectable meds was worth a try, and it still could work. But I am not as confident about IUI and injectables as I am with IVF or donor insemination. Anything is possible, I guess.

I am trying to remember that the new year brings new hope and new possibilities. There is hope for me. I am still trying to believe this.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Post Christmas Randomness

I think I just need to get some of these thoughts out there. If you want to skip this random-ish post, I will not be offended. Mostly just venting, really.

The past few days have been all about family. I think it highlights the differences between my family and Hubby's family. My family is sort of with me on my infertility journey. My mother is sort of excited by the fact that we may end up doing IVF. Hubby's family does not know what to do with the information. We came out to Hubby's mother, and she responded with a story about how she got pregnant within a month of coming of BCP. WTF? That does not make me feel any better about my situation, and it makes me think that you are not going to even try to relate. I have been of BCP for a decade. Without a hit. I was thinking, "Do not tell me how easily you got pregnant. I cannot relate to that because it is not going to happen to me!" Right after this conversation, we got a visit from Hubby's 20-something cousin, who is pregnant for the second time. She brought her husband and son for a visit. (They are great parents, and that is really nice to see in people so young. But still makes me jealous as all get out!) I think mother in law did not understand why we were so reserved. On the bright side, everyone has stopped asking when we are going to have children. I guess that is something.

Hubby's family exhausts me. They live in clutter, and they do not feel the need to do anything about it. They all talk at the same time, loudly and in a regional accent which is difficult to understand. All I can do is smile and nod. I was grateful for the hotel room we had while we were down there. It made life easier for everyone, I think. Most of Hubby's family is getting older, and that is hard for him to see. I did miss taking the dogs, though. I hated leaving them behind. I feel like I could have used them this holiday season. They do seem to like the kennel, so it is not all bad.

The other thing that has been going around my mind is IVF. Hubby's biggest problem with IVF was the cost. Donor insemination was a lot less costly. Now that we may have a way to pay for IVF with ICSI, he feels like he would rather do that than donor insemination. Which means that we may be one of the flakier IF couples out there. IVF really sort of freaks me out. I hate being out of control. Even the IUI with trigger was hard for me. I will probably be a basket case during IVF. I am willing to do it because I want Hubby to feel comfortable with our IF journey. He will end up being involved in it, too. One way or another. IVF just seems like a big deal and one more step up. We do have one last chance to get pregnant with IUI, but I am not holding out a lot of hope for that. I have a hunch it will take IVF or donor insemination to do it.

I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

Monday, December 22, 2008

LOL Monday (sort of)

This is not a loldog, but it may make you lol, anyway.

I posted previously about Oscar standing around with his head in the tree, well here is the picture to go with that....

Hope everyone has a great Monday!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Thoughts and Reflectioins

Hubby and I had our date night tonight. We both realized that we are just not that excited about Christmas this year. Yeah, we put up a wreath and tree, but that is about the extent of it. I think it is a little sad because I used to get so excited about Christmas. I loved the anticipation and what I saw as the magic of Christmas. Now, after years of IF, the magic is gone, and there is nothing to wait for. Christmas just seems sort of pointless.

I had to work in a pediatric room on Friday. for 12 hours. I think my brain fried. Most of pediatric OR is working on babies, repairing various birth defects. Babies are really difficult for me right now, for obvious reasons. Honestly, I have no friggin' clue about babies. Certain things about pediatric OR I know, like keeping the room really warm. But dealing with the babies themselves as they go to sleep, and dealing with the parents makes me a basket case. I hate peds OR, and I was dead when I finally got home on Friday. Unfortunately, I was on call 11p-7a that night. Of course, I got called in. When I left at 7PM, all hell had broken loose. From the number and types of cases, I figured that I would end up coming back in. Fortunately, there were no peds cases that night. But I was so fried, I could barely function. Working 20 out of 24 hours is not a good thing. The night shift girls were gentle with me, which was a good thing. Thank goodness I have the weekend off. I also have a nice long break coming up over Christmas, so I can recover from the stress at work.

Hubby has been feeling down lately. I think the IF stuff is finally catching up to him. We had one cycle of IUI with trigger, which was unsuccessful. I think that got him down. I think he is beginning to realize that his best chances of getting me pregnant are with IUI with donor sperm, or IVF with ICSI. He is just not that into Christmas this year, and he says he is having feelings of worthlessness. I can understand completely where he is coming from, because I have been there. I wish I could help him, but I can only empathize. Honestly, I do not think that helps him very much. If something is making him feel bad, he just wants to retreat from it. He is thinking more seriously about IVF with ICSI. I told him that I would leave the choice up to him. He is still thinking, but we may end up doing IVF with ICSI if the next round of IUI with trigger does not work. I told him if we do IVF, I would like him to get evaluated by a regular endocrinologist, just to be sure there are no metabolic issues which could affect fertility. I suspect he has metabolic syndrome, which is sort of the generic/male version of PCOS. It could affect his fertility, too. (Why not, PCOS affects female fertility? Where are the studies on metabolic syndrome and fertility? I want to know.) I have a wonderful endocrinologist, and I want Hubby to make an appointment with him. Hopefully, it will not take more than a few months to get in to see my regular endocrinologist.

Christmas shopping is done, and all I have to do is wrap the few gifts that I have bought. We are having lunch with my parents Christmas Eve day, and then off to celebrate a redneck Christmas with Hubby's family is Gloucester. My sister wanted to see pictures of a redneck Christmas, so I may try to take my camera with me. We are staying at a hotel with high speed internet, so I may try to keep up with my lovely internets while I am gone. I am a little disappointed that we will not be able to take the dogs. Apparently there is worry about damage to a miniature dachshund. Sigh. No one has any appreciation for the big dogs anymore.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Gray day

I just feel like I cannot get stuff together today. I guess it is all right because it is my day off. I guess I should not push it and let things go.

I have an afternoon of shopping with a girlfriend this afternoon. That should be fun. I am really looking forward to it. I am tagging along while she does Christmas shopping. I am doing what little Christmas shopping I need to do, as well.

I have to tell you about our Christmas tree. Our Christmas tree looks really strange. I will try to post a picture of it soon, but I have to at least tell you about this. We have a huge Christmas tree. It is not very tall, but it wide. I think it is almost as wide as it is tall. Very fat. It takes up a lot of space in our living room. But I love it. I have never had a round Christmas tree before. The second thing is that Oscar loves to commune with the tree. I think his favorite hobby is sticking his head in the tree and inhaling the fresh pine scent. (He has not made any moves to mark the tree, for which I am grateful!) Oscar does not eat the tree, he is just hanging out, with his head in the tree, enjoying the smells. As a result, we have no ornaments on the bottom third of our tree. At some point, I really ought to put them back on, but I am just feeling really lazy today. Maybe by the weekend.

Monday, December 15, 2008

LOL Monday

Hopefully this will get you more in the Christmas spirit.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Hope everyone has a good week!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Pity party over

I think I am done with the moping. I just needed a couple of days to rant and rave. Likely I will need that every cycle I do an IUI. I think I can get on with life now that I know the world is not going to end, and we will try again next cycle. Now I can just focus on getting through the holiday. Hopefully we can get our Christmas tree up today.

I also need to decide which class I want to do with my dog. Other people have children, we have dogs. I think dogs like extracurricular activities, too. I am signing Oscar up for a basic obedience class. Gertrude is a bit more difficult. I was thinking good canine citizen for her. She could use the skills in the class, and will probably gain confidence in more situations, which would be good for her. But I got an email yesterday about an agility handling class. This could be good, also. I could work on things like feet placement and weave poles. Both of these things will help when agility restarts in the spring. I am sort of leaning toward the agility class. That appeals to me, and hopefully will appeal to Gertrude. I suspect any class I do with her will appeal to her.

Last night was a great distraction. We spent a couple of hours hanging out at Annie Moore's and singing along with Scruffy Murphy. I drank several pints of Smithwick's ale, and then had a little bourbon. Hubby had a few pints of Guinness. He was happy because he finally got to hear the song about the Hartlepool monkey. After all of that, we came home and pretty much went right to bed.

I suspect we are getting middle aged. Sigh.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Why does this have to be so hard?

I apologize in advance, but this is not likely to be a coherent post.

I am so used to this, I think this is pitiful. I think I expected to get my period this cycle. I knew it would happen, but stupid hope comes along and messes with my head. Now I get to drag out the Midol and fem hygiene supplies. At least I can stay home until tonight. At least I did not need to PAOS and see the blank white negative. There is a small silver lining.

Right now it all feels hopeless. It feels like it will never happen to me. Every time I get my period I feel like it is a rejection. The waiting was torture this time because there was a possibility of something happening. Now my hope is gone. Apparently I will never get a miracle. This just makes me not want to do Christmas at all. What is the point? I do not believe in miracles, anyway. And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Apparently I am not meant to get a miracle. It makes it really hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

I really hate that I have no control over what happens. I really want one of these cycles to work. I wish there was something I could do to ensure success. Success is dependent on so many factors. There is no one thing we can point to which is preventing us from getting pregnant.

Hubby wants to do at least one more cycle of IUI with his sperm. We are not going to do anything this cycle, though. We are going to wait until the new year to do anything. Then we will try again. Hubby really took our failure to conceive hard. I just cannot do a lot to support him right now. I am dealing with my own feelings, not to mention the menstrual symptoms.

I am spending the day getting caught up on house stuff. I had errands to run this morning, and this afternoon I need to clean the house. It is a wreck, and I know I will not want to deal with it this weekend. Hubby will not want to do anything this weekend, either. I really need to rest because I work a night shift tonight, but if I do not do the house stuff it does not get done. I wanted to play in my sewing room today, but because of the chores I need to do, that will not be possible. Sigh. No rest for the weary, I guess.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Game Over

I started having some spotting this evening. I just know my period is on its way. This cycle is over, I think. Personally, I think implantation bleeding is a fallacy, a lie told to infertile women just to get their hopes up and drive them crazy. I was sort of hoping that was what was happening to me when I started spotting early this evening. My hopes were dashed when I realized it was turning into heavy spotting. Sigh. At least I do not have to work tomorrow until night shift. I can sleep in and have a light day tomorrow.

Neither Hubby nor I are happy that this cycle failed. We both had a lot of hope this cycle. I think we are planning on some heavy drinking on Saturday night. We are planning on going to Annie Moore's Irish Pub and go see Scruffy Murphy. Hopefully that will at least distract us.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Is it over yet?

I hate this waiting. Still waiting. I sort of go back and forth between hope and hopelessness. Yesterday I was not sure it took. Today I think it could be possible. I am way tired, but that could be because it is gray and yucky outside. I am just not sure I feel pregnant. I feel like I have had all the "pregnancy symptoms" at some point or another before. I just do not trust them, they seem way too close to PMS symptoms. The only sign I trust is a missed period. At least I have not gotten my period yet. So I probably should not give up hope yet.

My mother sends me messages every couple of days to remind me that I am in her thoughts and that she supports me. It is sort of sweet. Nice to know she is supportive.

Still hanging on...

Monday, December 8, 2008

LOL Monday

I just wanted to let you all know about this place...

more the engrish!

For those of us dealing with male factor, this could be the place to go.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Things I need to remember.

1. Do not over think this.
This wait is driving both Hubby and I a little crazy. I feel like we are jumping at shadows as I try to interpret every twinge and symptom. Nothing is certain until I miss my period. I feel like I have had all of these symptoms at some point or another right before I got my period. There is no use trying to over-think this. I will just stress myself out, and make myself feel that much worse when (or if) my period comes.

2. I have no control over this.
I also need to remember that I cannot control what happens. There is nothing I can do to ensure that what I want to happen will happen. That frustrates me. So I have to remember to simply be present in the moment. I have a really hard time with this, but I will try.

3. I am surrounded by love.
Last, but certainly not least, I am feeling the love from everywhere. My lovely internets friends are showering me with love and encouragement, even as I become impatient and irritable with the wait. My parents and close friends are wonderful supporters, and they keep reminding me that I am in their thoughts and prayers. I have a couple of co-workers who are thinking about me and praying for me. Some of my Quaker friends are holding me in the light as I go through this. I feel very special to have that many people rooting for me. I think knowing that I am surrounded by love is part of what makes the wait somewhat bearable for me. It certainly makes it different from my previous two week waits.

Hopefully I can remember these three things as I continue my descent into madness.

One more week...

And then hopefully we will know something.

I did not realize that Hubby was tense about all of this. We went to a party last night and left early for several reasons. Only one of which was because Hubby was not feeling good. He just wanted to come home and take some aspirin and lie on the couch. He said he was achy and sore. He also apparently has been grinding his teeth at night. I think we are both a little tense as we are waiting. I think I have enough to distract myself this week that I can make it through to Sunday without testing. I work some longer shifts this week, so that should keep me occupied. Until then, I am still dealing with the full and sensitive tits and a bloated belly. Maybe I should start taking those prenatal vitamins, just to hedge my bets.

Hubby moved most of his stuff to his new office yesterday. I think I am helping him stuff envelopes next weekend to contact all his clients with his new contact info. He says he has about 50 letters to send out. I thought he should include his new business card with the letter. Hopefully he will get some printed up this week.

Hubby is sharing the new office with another lawyer. It is really scary how absentminded both of them are. They have not hashed out details like sharing the secretary. I suspect the secretary will end up doing some things for Hubby. I was commenting on my way home that I do not have the patience to work with absent-minded people. We have one older surgeon in our OR who is a little absent-minded, and it is a group effort to keep him on track. It frustrates everyone in the room.

Speaking of surgeons, I am the chosen one for one surgeon at my hospital. Apparently he is extremely picky about who is in his room, and apparently I made the cut. The other RNs who work with him regularly are leaving, or have taken other positions in the OR and are unable to circulate in his room. It actually will be nice to be with the same surgeon all the time. I feel like I have been shuffled around a lot. As soon as I learn how to work with one surgeon, they take me out of their room and put me in someone else's room. It is enough to make me tear my hair out. I think I have a lot to learn, though. I do not know a lot about colo-rectal surgery. I think I may be looking in Alexander's big book o'surgery tonight. I may also review colostomies. Sigh. I would have to end up in the poopy room.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Still Waiting...

I am trying to wait one more week before I POAS. I think I can make it. At the moment, tits are sensitive, and I am way bloated. My back hurts, too. (But that could be because I work on my feet all day, may not necessarily be related to girly stuff.) So anyway, still waiting to see what happens. Keeping fingers crossed.

To distract myself this weekend, I will help Hubby move to his new office. I think today will mostly be about moving the computer and paperwork over. Maybe some of the art. I like the fact that he has art in his office. I think it lends a touch of class to his space. He will likely decide what to do about the rest of the furniture later. I am hoping he will hire some temps to help him move it to where ever he wants to put it.

Hopefully I can make Quaker meeting on Sunday. It will be nice to have a relaxing weekend, and not have to do anything.

Wishing you all a happy weekend!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Just a post full of random stuff.

I saw this on Soxy Deb's site and I could not resist. I discovered my elf name today. Amazing what insight websites can have on people. The picture looks amazingly like me, too..

Your Elf Name Is...

Pixie Twinkle Wink

And then, on the radio today I heard the song below, and I decided I have just heard Hubby's theme song.

Still waiting, though. And the waiting has only begun...

Monday, December 1, 2008

And the waiting begins

IUI was done this morning. There was no problem making the appointment because I was called in last night and had to work a night shift (11 PM - 7 AM). The ladies I worked with ended up pushing me out the door about 4:30 AM so I could rest before the appointment. (Which I did.) They all but did a fertility dance as I was leaving. Hubby woke me about 7:30 AM and started to produce his sample as I scrubbed my girly parts and generally tried to be more awake than I was. Hubby produced his sample, and I carried it under my arm to the RE's office. (I was directed to carry the sample close to my body so that it would stay warm. I had no room in my bra, and my underarm was more convenient.) The nurse took the sample from me, and spun down the sample to prepare it for the IUI.

No cooter cam today, just a speculum and the IUI catheter and syringe. The RE said the sample looked good. The office is not an IVF center, so they are not able to do counts and any detailed analysis. I am not sure what to think. After the IUI they let me lie on the table for about 5 minutes. RE said that if I have not gotten my period in 14 days, I should take a home pregnancy test. As it stands now, I will probably give it at least 12 days before I test. I am thinking I may not test until the 14th, though. I gave up POAS a long time ago. Seeing all those blank tests only depressed me. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

Just a word about the people I work with. I am a nurse, and I work with nurses and doctors. We work very closely together in the OR, so the people I work with know me pretty well. I have a strong work ethic, so I rarely miss work. If I do miss work, then there is usually something wrong. With all of these doctor's appointments for the monitoring and stuff, I had a lot of people wondering if I was all right. It just seemed easier to tell the truth about what I was doing, so that people would not worry as much. I was surprised at the number of people who were behind me and are hoping it works this cycle. It is really wonderful to work with a group of people like that. I feel very fortunate.

Now that the IUI is done, the waiting begins. This is the hardest part for me, and I fully expect to go a little crazy over the next couple of weeks until we know the outcome. Thank goodness for this internet community where you all will listen to my craziness, and understand.

Hurry up and wait. All too familiar to us infertiles.

LOL Monday

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Hope your Monday is good!