Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year, New Outlook?

Trying to keep things in perspective. No baby this year, which really depressed both Hubby and I. But when I think about where I was at the start of last year, I was in a very different place. At this time last year, all I could think about was escape from my unhappiness. I was unhappy where I was, and unhappy with what I was doing. This year things are a lot different. I love what I do, and I love where I live. I have a great life, and I am happy. That counts for a lot, I think. I think Hubby is also happier after all the changes. Hubby is in a place where he can think about different possibilities. I think that makes a difference.

I hope that this year is the year of the baby for us. I think we have decided that we are going to do IVF with ICSI this year. I have high hopes that IVF will work. Hubby has to talk to his dad first, though. Until then, we have one more cycle of IUI with injectable meds. Anything can happen, I guess.

Because it is the start of a new year, I have thought about resolutions. And I do have a few.

1. I need to meditate more. I think I am going to try to meditate in the morning when I wake up. As part of this resolution, I may try to work my way through the Tao Te Ching. I have been attracted to Taoism, and this may be one way to explore it. (By the way, my blog title comes from a Taoist concept, just in case you are curious.)

2. I also need to work out more often. I started running over the past year or two. I found ChiRunning, which is based, in part, on Taoist principles of body mechanics from t'ai chi. One thing I need to work on is working out any time I can. I work long hours some days, and I do not have the time to work out every day. I need to quit with the excuses and just do it whenever I have the time. I just makes me feel better. (Even when I am exhausted!) Hubby will encourage me to work out. He never seems to mind.

3. And last, but not least... I need to eat better. I have not been paying attention to what I eat, and that causes me to gain weight. I know how to do it, and I have the resources. I just need to do it.

I think three resolutions is a nice number, and that is enough. I am not including IF stuff in there, though taking care of myself will likely help with the IF stuff. At least I hope so.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Messing aorund.

I am trying to mess around with how the blog looks. I would love to get a wallpaper of some sort as a background, but I am not sure how to do this on blogger. Or even if I want to. I do sort of like the simplicity of what I have. I think it makes it easier to read. It is sort of bland, though. I do not know. Any thoughts?

I guess I will figure it out eventually.

Off to bed. I want to get rest for my day off tomorrow. Deep fry party at my house! Alohol will be served. We are doing our annual batch of fried pickles. Yummy!

I hipe everyone has a happy and safe new year!

Monday, December 29, 2008

LOL Monday

Because Dane puppies are so damn cute...

funny pictures of dogs with captions
see more puppies

I hope everyone has a good Monday!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Looking to the New Year

Stuff always seems to come up for me during meeting. One thought I had was that I did a lot this past year. We both moved across the state. I started a new job, Hubby started a new business. We sold a house, and bought a house. We started making a life here in Roanoke. The infertility stuff was the least of our worries over the past year.

Now that we are more more stable, we can really focus on getting pregnant and starting a family. I need to take a chilly pill and realize that there is time for this. Hubby's perspective changes as he feels less threatened by other circumstances. This may be part of why he has changed his mind about IVF. I just wish he would make up his mind so that we can pursue it or not. I feel like the best chances we have of conceiving lie with IVF or with donor insemination. I guess the IUI with injectable meds was worth a try, and it still could work. But I am not as confident about IUI and injectables as I am with IVF or donor insemination. Anything is possible, I guess.

I am trying to remember that the new year brings new hope and new possibilities. There is hope for me. I am still trying to believe this.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Post Christmas Randomness

I think I just need to get some of these thoughts out there. If you want to skip this random-ish post, I will not be offended. Mostly just venting, really.

The past few days have been all about family. I think it highlights the differences between my family and Hubby's family. My family is sort of with me on my infertility journey. My mother is sort of excited by the fact that we may end up doing IVF. Hubby's family does not know what to do with the information. We came out to Hubby's mother, and she responded with a story about how she got pregnant within a month of coming of BCP. WTF? That does not make me feel any better about my situation, and it makes me think that you are not going to even try to relate. I have been of BCP for a decade. Without a hit. I was thinking, "Do not tell me how easily you got pregnant. I cannot relate to that because it is not going to happen to me!" Right after this conversation, we got a visit from Hubby's 20-something cousin, who is pregnant for the second time. She brought her husband and son for a visit. (They are great parents, and that is really nice to see in people so young. But still makes me jealous as all get out!) I think mother in law did not understand why we were so reserved. On the bright side, everyone has stopped asking when we are going to have children. I guess that is something.

Hubby's family exhausts me. They live in clutter, and they do not feel the need to do anything about it. They all talk at the same time, loudly and in a regional accent which is difficult to understand. All I can do is smile and nod. I was grateful for the hotel room we had while we were down there. It made life easier for everyone, I think. Most of Hubby's family is getting older, and that is hard for him to see. I did miss taking the dogs, though. I hated leaving them behind. I feel like I could have used them this holiday season. They do seem to like the kennel, so it is not all bad.

The other thing that has been going around my mind is IVF. Hubby's biggest problem with IVF was the cost. Donor insemination was a lot less costly. Now that we may have a way to pay for IVF with ICSI, he feels like he would rather do that than donor insemination. Which means that we may be one of the flakier IF couples out there. IVF really sort of freaks me out. I hate being out of control. Even the IUI with trigger was hard for me. I will probably be a basket case during IVF. I am willing to do it because I want Hubby to feel comfortable with our IF journey. He will end up being involved in it, too. One way or another. IVF just seems like a big deal and one more step up. We do have one last chance to get pregnant with IUI, but I am not holding out a lot of hope for that. I have a hunch it will take IVF or donor insemination to do it.

I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

Monday, December 22, 2008

LOL Monday (sort of)

This is not a loldog, but it may make you lol, anyway.

I posted previously about Oscar standing around with his head in the tree, well here is the picture to go with that....


Hope everyone has a great Monday!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Thoughts and Reflectioins

Hubby and I had our date night tonight. We both realized that we are just not that excited about Christmas this year. Yeah, we put up a wreath and tree, but that is about the extent of it. I think it is a little sad because I used to get so excited about Christmas. I loved the anticipation and what I saw as the magic of Christmas. Now, after years of IF, the magic is gone, and there is nothing to wait for. Christmas just seems sort of pointless.

I had to work in a pediatric room on Friday. for 12 hours. I think my brain fried. Most of pediatric OR is working on babies, repairing various birth defects. Babies are really difficult for me right now, for obvious reasons. Honestly, I have no friggin' clue about babies. Certain things about pediatric OR I know, like keeping the room really warm. But dealing with the babies themselves as they go to sleep, and dealing with the parents makes me a basket case. I hate peds OR, and I was dead when I finally got home on Friday. Unfortunately, I was on call 11p-7a that night. Of course, I got called in. When I left at 7PM, all hell had broken loose. From the number and types of cases, I figured that I would end up coming back in. Fortunately, there were no peds cases that night. But I was so fried, I could barely function. Working 20 out of 24 hours is not a good thing. The night shift girls were gentle with me, which was a good thing. Thank goodness I have the weekend off. I also have a nice long break coming up over Christmas, so I can recover from the stress at work.

Hubby has been feeling down lately. I think the IF stuff is finally catching up to him. We had one cycle of IUI with trigger, which was unsuccessful. I think that got him down. I think he is beginning to realize that his best chances of getting me pregnant are with IUI with donor sperm, or IVF with ICSI. He is just not that into Christmas this year, and he says he is having feelings of worthlessness. I can understand completely where he is coming from, because I have been there. I wish I could help him, but I can only empathize. Honestly, I do not think that helps him very much. If something is making him feel bad, he just wants to retreat from it. He is thinking more seriously about IVF with ICSI. I told him that I would leave the choice up to him. He is still thinking, but we may end up doing IVF with ICSI if the next round of IUI with trigger does not work. I told him if we do IVF, I would like him to get evaluated by a regular endocrinologist, just to be sure there are no metabolic issues which could affect fertility. I suspect he has metabolic syndrome, which is sort of the generic/male version of PCOS. It could affect his fertility, too. (Why not, PCOS affects female fertility? Where are the studies on metabolic syndrome and fertility? I want to know.) I have a wonderful endocrinologist, and I want Hubby to make an appointment with him. Hopefully, it will not take more than a few months to get in to see my regular endocrinologist.

Christmas shopping is done, and all I have to do is wrap the few gifts that I have bought. We are having lunch with my parents Christmas Eve day, and then off to celebrate a redneck Christmas with Hubby's family is Gloucester. My sister wanted to see pictures of a redneck Christmas, so I may try to take my camera with me. We are staying at a hotel with high speed internet, so I may try to keep up with my lovely internets while I am gone. I am a little disappointed that we will not be able to take the dogs. Apparently there is worry about damage to a miniature dachshund. Sigh. No one has any appreciation for the big dogs anymore.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Gray day

I just feel like I cannot get stuff together today. I guess it is all right because it is my day off. I guess I should not push it and let things go.

I have an afternoon of shopping with a girlfriend this afternoon. That should be fun. I am really looking forward to it. I am tagging along while she does Christmas shopping. I am doing what little Christmas shopping I need to do, as well.

I have to tell you about our Christmas tree. Our Christmas tree looks really strange. I will try to post a picture of it soon, but I have to at least tell you about this. We have a huge Christmas tree. It is not very tall, but it wide. I think it is almost as wide as it is tall. Very fat. It takes up a lot of space in our living room. But I love it. I have never had a round Christmas tree before. The second thing is that Oscar loves to commune with the tree. I think his favorite hobby is sticking his head in the tree and inhaling the fresh pine scent. (He has not made any moves to mark the tree, for which I am grateful!) Oscar does not eat the tree, he is just hanging out, with his head in the tree, enjoying the smells. As a result, we have no ornaments on the bottom third of our tree. At some point, I really ought to put them back on, but I am just feeling really lazy today. Maybe by the weekend.

Monday, December 15, 2008

LOL Monday

Hopefully this will get you more in the Christmas spirit.


funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Hope everyone has a good week!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Pity party over

I think I am done with the moping. I just needed a couple of days to rant and rave. Likely I will need that every cycle I do an IUI. I think I can get on with life now that I know the world is not going to end, and we will try again next cycle. Now I can just focus on getting through the holiday. Hopefully we can get our Christmas tree up today.

I also need to decide which class I want to do with my dog. Other people have children, we have dogs. I think dogs like extracurricular activities, too. I am signing Oscar up for a basic obedience class. Gertrude is a bit more difficult. I was thinking good canine citizen for her. She could use the skills in the class, and will probably gain confidence in more situations, which would be good for her. But I got an email yesterday about an agility handling class. This could be good, also. I could work on things like feet placement and weave poles. Both of these things will help when agility restarts in the spring. I am sort of leaning toward the agility class. That appeals to me, and hopefully will appeal to Gertrude. I suspect any class I do with her will appeal to her.

Last night was a great distraction. We spent a couple of hours hanging out at Annie Moore's and singing along with Scruffy Murphy. I drank several pints of Smithwick's ale, and then had a little bourbon. Hubby had a few pints of Guinness. He was happy because he finally got to hear the song about the Hartlepool monkey. After all of that, we came home and pretty much went right to bed.

I suspect we are getting middle aged. Sigh.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Why does this have to be so hard?

I apologize in advance, but this is not likely to be a coherent post.

I am so used to this, I think this is pitiful. I think I expected to get my period this cycle. I knew it would happen, but stupid hope comes along and messes with my head. Now I get to drag out the Midol and fem hygiene supplies. At least I can stay home until tonight. At least I did not need to PAOS and see the blank white negative. There is a small silver lining.

Right now it all feels hopeless. It feels like it will never happen to me. Every time I get my period I feel like it is a rejection. The waiting was torture this time because there was a possibility of something happening. Now my hope is gone. Apparently I will never get a miracle. This just makes me not want to do Christmas at all. What is the point? I do not believe in miracles, anyway. And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Apparently I am not meant to get a miracle. It makes it really hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

I really hate that I have no control over what happens. I really want one of these cycles to work. I wish there was something I could do to ensure success. Success is dependent on so many factors. There is no one thing we can point to which is preventing us from getting pregnant.

Hubby wants to do at least one more cycle of IUI with his sperm. We are not going to do anything this cycle, though. We are going to wait until the new year to do anything. Then we will try again. Hubby really took our failure to conceive hard. I just cannot do a lot to support him right now. I am dealing with my own feelings, not to mention the menstrual symptoms.

I am spending the day getting caught up on house stuff. I had errands to run this morning, and this afternoon I need to clean the house. It is a wreck, and I know I will not want to deal with it this weekend. Hubby will not want to do anything this weekend, either. I really need to rest because I work a night shift tonight, but if I do not do the house stuff it does not get done. I wanted to play in my sewing room today, but because of the chores I need to do, that will not be possible. Sigh. No rest for the weary, I guess.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Game Over

I started having some spotting this evening. I just know my period is on its way. This cycle is over, I think. Personally, I think implantation bleeding is a fallacy, a lie told to infertile women just to get their hopes up and drive them crazy. I was sort of hoping that was what was happening to me when I started spotting early this evening. My hopes were dashed when I realized it was turning into heavy spotting. Sigh. At least I do not have to work tomorrow until night shift. I can sleep in and have a light day tomorrow.

Neither Hubby nor I are happy that this cycle failed. We both had a lot of hope this cycle. I think we are planning on some heavy drinking on Saturday night. We are planning on going to Annie Moore's Irish Pub and go see Scruffy Murphy. Hopefully that will at least distract us.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Is it over yet?

I hate this waiting. Still waiting. I sort of go back and forth between hope and hopelessness. Yesterday I was not sure it took. Today I think it could be possible. I am way tired, but that could be because it is gray and yucky outside. I am just not sure I feel pregnant. I feel like I have had all the "pregnancy symptoms" at some point or another before. I just do not trust them, they seem way too close to PMS symptoms. The only sign I trust is a missed period. At least I have not gotten my period yet. So I probably should not give up hope yet.

My mother sends me messages every couple of days to remind me that I am in her thoughts and that she supports me. It is sort of sweet. Nice to know she is supportive.

Still hanging on...

Monday, December 8, 2008

LOL Monday

I just wanted to let you all know about this place...


engrish-funny-free-semen
more the engrish!


For those of us dealing with male factor, this could be the place to go.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Things I need to remember.

1. Do not over think this.
This wait is driving both Hubby and I a little crazy. I feel like we are jumping at shadows as I try to interpret every twinge and symptom. Nothing is certain until I miss my period. I feel like I have had all of these symptoms at some point or another right before I got my period. There is no use trying to over-think this. I will just stress myself out, and make myself feel that much worse when (or if) my period comes.

2. I have no control over this.
I also need to remember that I cannot control what happens. There is nothing I can do to ensure that what I want to happen will happen. That frustrates me. So I have to remember to simply be present in the moment. I have a really hard time with this, but I will try.

3. I am surrounded by love.
Last, but certainly not least, I am feeling the love from everywhere. My lovely internets friends are showering me with love and encouragement, even as I become impatient and irritable with the wait. My parents and close friends are wonderful supporters, and they keep reminding me that I am in their thoughts and prayers. I have a couple of co-workers who are thinking about me and praying for me. Some of my Quaker friends are holding me in the light as I go through this. I feel very special to have that many people rooting for me. I think knowing that I am surrounded by love is part of what makes the wait somewhat bearable for me. It certainly makes it different from my previous two week waits.

Hopefully I can remember these three things as I continue my descent into madness.

One more week...

And then hopefully we will know something.

I did not realize that Hubby was tense about all of this. We went to a party last night and left early for several reasons. Only one of which was because Hubby was not feeling good. He just wanted to come home and take some aspirin and lie on the couch. He said he was achy and sore. He also apparently has been grinding his teeth at night. I think we are both a little tense as we are waiting. I think I have enough to distract myself this week that I can make it through to Sunday without testing. I work some longer shifts this week, so that should keep me occupied. Until then, I am still dealing with the full and sensitive tits and a bloated belly. Maybe I should start taking those prenatal vitamins, just to hedge my bets.

Hubby moved most of his stuff to his new office yesterday. I think I am helping him stuff envelopes next weekend to contact all his clients with his new contact info. He says he has about 50 letters to send out. I thought he should include his new business card with the letter. Hopefully he will get some printed up this week.

Hubby is sharing the new office with another lawyer. It is really scary how absentminded both of them are. They have not hashed out details like sharing the secretary. I suspect the secretary will end up doing some things for Hubby. I was commenting on my way home that I do not have the patience to work with absent-minded people. We have one older surgeon in our OR who is a little absent-minded, and it is a group effort to keep him on track. It frustrates everyone in the room.

Speaking of surgeons, I am the chosen one for one surgeon at my hospital. Apparently he is extremely picky about who is in his room, and apparently I made the cut. The other RNs who work with him regularly are leaving, or have taken other positions in the OR and are unable to circulate in his room. It actually will be nice to be with the same surgeon all the time. I feel like I have been shuffled around a lot. As soon as I learn how to work with one surgeon, they take me out of their room and put me in someone else's room. It is enough to make me tear my hair out. I think I have a lot to learn, though. I do not know a lot about colo-rectal surgery. I think I may be looking in Alexander's big book o'surgery tonight. I may also review colostomies. Sigh. I would have to end up in the poopy room.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Still Waiting...

I am trying to wait one more week before I POAS. I think I can make it. At the moment, tits are sensitive, and I am way bloated. My back hurts, too. (But that could be because I work on my feet all day, may not necessarily be related to girly stuff.) So anyway, still waiting to see what happens. Keeping fingers crossed.

To distract myself this weekend, I will help Hubby move to his new office. I think today will mostly be about moving the computer and paperwork over. Maybe some of the art. I like the fact that he has art in his office. I think it lends a touch of class to his space. He will likely decide what to do about the rest of the furniture later. I am hoping he will hire some temps to help him move it to where ever he wants to put it.

Hopefully I can make Quaker meeting on Sunday. It will be nice to have a relaxing weekend, and not have to do anything.

Wishing you all a happy weekend!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Distractions

Just a post full of random stuff.


I saw this on Soxy Deb's site and I could not resist. I discovered my elf name today. Amazing what insight websites can have on people. The picture looks amazingly like me, too..





Your Elf Name Is...



Pixie Twinkle Wink




And then, on the radio today I heard the song below, and I decided I have just heard Hubby's theme song.





Still waiting, though. And the waiting has only begun...

Monday, December 1, 2008

And the waiting begins

IUI was done this morning. There was no problem making the appointment because I was called in last night and had to work a night shift (11 PM - 7 AM). The ladies I worked with ended up pushing me out the door about 4:30 AM so I could rest before the appointment. (Which I did.) They all but did a fertility dance as I was leaving. Hubby woke me about 7:30 AM and started to produce his sample as I scrubbed my girly parts and generally tried to be more awake than I was. Hubby produced his sample, and I carried it under my arm to the RE's office. (I was directed to carry the sample close to my body so that it would stay warm. I had no room in my bra, and my underarm was more convenient.) The nurse took the sample from me, and spun down the sample to prepare it for the IUI.

No cooter cam today, just a speculum and the IUI catheter and syringe. The RE said the sample looked good. The office is not an IVF center, so they are not able to do counts and any detailed analysis. I am not sure what to think. After the IUI they let me lie on the table for about 5 minutes. RE said that if I have not gotten my period in 14 days, I should take a home pregnancy test. As it stands now, I will probably give it at least 12 days before I test. I am thinking I may not test until the 14th, though. I gave up POAS a long time ago. Seeing all those blank tests only depressed me. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

Just a word about the people I work with. I am a nurse, and I work with nurses and doctors. We work very closely together in the OR, so the people I work with know me pretty well. I have a strong work ethic, so I rarely miss work. If I do miss work, then there is usually something wrong. With all of these doctor's appointments for the monitoring and stuff, I had a lot of people wondering if I was all right. It just seemed easier to tell the truth about what I was doing, so that people would not worry as much. I was surprised at the number of people who were behind me and are hoping it works this cycle. It is really wonderful to work with a group of people like that. I feel very fortunate.

Now that the IUI is done, the waiting begins. This is the hardest part for me, and I fully expect to go a little crazy over the next couple of weeks until we know the outcome. Thank goodness for this internet community where you all will listen to my craziness, and understand.

Hurry up and wait. All too familiar to us infertiles.

LOL Monday

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Hope your Monday is good!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Trying to remember to breathe. (Rambling post, sorry.)

Trigger shot went fine last night. I know it is working because I can feel my body waking up. Tits are sensitive, butt hurts where the shot went in, and I am irritable (just to round things out.) IUI is tomorrow morning. Pissed work off that I would be over 2 hours late on Monday. Oh well. This is important stuff. At least to me and Hubby. Sometimes it cannot be helped.

I realized something today as I was sitting in meeting. I am really scared. I am scared that this will work. It is possible. (I think.)

As as I was sitting in meeting, I was reciting the Lord's Prayer in my mind, just to calm down. The one line which stuck out at me was, "Thy will be done." For some reason that did not sit well with me. Maybe it is because I am extra hormonal, but I am tired of dealing with the IF stuff, especially during the Christmas season. His will has not been so great in the fertility department, so it is not something I feel I can let go very easily. Now every time I think about the miracle of Christmas, all I can do is wonder where the hell my miracle is. I used to love Christmas. The magic and mystery of it all. I loved the Christmas decorations and the celebrations. Now I am just bitter about the whole thing. I want to believe in miracles, but it is difficult to believe in them when they never seem to happen to you.

My mind keeps drifting back to the lack of control I have over this whole process. The taoist principle of "do without doing" is rather appropriate in this situation. Unfortunately, I prefer action. Letting things happen sort of goes against the grain. I am really trying, but letting go is one of the hardest things I ever do.

Today is the first Sunday in advent. I found it interesting that I will start off this advent season with period of waiting of my own. I guess tomorrow I start that awful 2ww. I think this 2ww is going to be worse than usual.

Sorry about the rambly post. I needed to get the thoughts out there, and coherent composition is a bit beyond me at the moment.
Still trying to believe in miracles. Thanks for all your well wishes. I will let you know how things go.

BTW- Jess over at Life in the White House is doing a giveaway for the holidays. Go over and take a look. So cute!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Trigger

When I was little, my parents would take the family to Roy Roger's restaurant for dinner. They used to have this western theme which all of us really enjoyed. One thing I loved about going there were the high chairs. I do not know why I remember this, but I do. The high chairs were horses. I think they had little chairs and trays set into them. For some reason I really liked them. I think I thought of all of them as Trigger. (I think that was Roy's horse, so it sort of made sense.) Roy Roger's was not the same after they did away with the western theme. Sigh. Time never stands still I guess. (I apologize for any errors, my memory is imperfect, and I was vary young when this happened.)

Now I have a different connotation for trigger. We do the trigger shot tonight to trigger ovulation. My estradiol levels finally came down when we rechecked on Friday. I was looking at the instructions for reconstituting the HCG medication, and I was amazed. 2 ml water to dilute all that powder. Really? I think I am going to have to shake it pretty hard to get it all in 2 ml. I guess it will work. I am sure it has worked for others. It is probably just a manifestation of my nervousness.

Hubby has read up on giving IM injections. I am a little nervous about it, and I am trying not to spend time sending him links to youtube videos on how to do IM injections. Though it is tempting. I doubt I will be able to resist sending him at least one. Men are visual, after all. Hubby is also abstaining this weekend. He is definitely long-suffering. First he had to deal with me being irritable and puffy. Now he has to deal with both of us being horny, and unable to do anything about it. There is a whole lot of grumpy at our house this weekend.

There is also a sense of hope. Hubby mentioned something about a nursery the other day. I think he can sort of see where the nursery would go in our house.

Trying to keep fingers, and legs, crossed. And hopes up. Again with the lack of control. There is not anything I can do other than pray, and ask for prayers. I think there is something powerful about prayer, so I ask everyone to pray for a miracle for us. I would love to have one this week!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Coasting into Thanksgiving

Apparently my estradiol was too high again today. So I am still coasting. Sigh.

I had a Tom Petty song running through my head this morning as I was waking up and getting ready for work.

The chorus from "The Waiting" was really what was on loop in my brain:

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

I think it sort of reflects where I am at right now.

I knew going into this cycle that I was at the mercy of the docs and my body. I expected some waiting. Waiting for the eggs to mature, the inevitable 2ww after IUI. If I was paying attention, I should have gotten a hint about the wait I am currently in. My eggs have matured, but I apparently have too many eggs developing, so I have to wait for my hormone levels to come down. I was told I was at risk for hyperstimulation before I started the cycle. (Common with PCOS.) Coasting is one way to prevent overstimulation. apparently.

I sort of feel like I am at the start of a game or race. And the person in charge of starting is just messing with you. "Get ready.....get ready...psych! Ha, ha!" I think I have mentioned in previous posts that I am not patient at all. When I want to do something, I want it done now. I do not want to wait for it once I have made up my mind.

I understand why RE is having me coast. Intellectually, I understand that this is for my health and safety. I get that. I think I am more frustrated with my body for not doing what I want it to do. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. All I can do hang on and wait and hope my hormone levels come back in line.

At least I will have something to do while I am waiting. My parents are coming down for Thanksgiving, and I will cook the turkey. It should be a good day. I enjoy seeing my parents. Then I have to work on Friday from 11AM-11PM. Sort of a sucky shift, but I am hoping it will not be too awful. Hubby and I will likely spend the weekend catching up with each other.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving, and enjoy the weekend!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Coasting?

I think I may have responded too well to the Follistim. My estradiol level came back a little high. Because I have PCOS, RE wanted to wait to trigger. PCOS puts me at higher risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I am currently feeling bloated and full. I told RE that I felt like I was about to pop. When he did the scan, he saw maybe 5 or 6 large follicles on the right, and maybe 4 on the left. RE warned me that I may continue feeling bloated and full after we trigger ovulation.

So I have no more injections at the moment, and I guess we are just waiting for the estradiol level to come down. We are rechecking Wednesday, and I guess we will go from there.

Again with the waiting.

Sigh. Still trying to be patient.

LOL Monday

Sigh....


funny pictures
moar funny pictures


Mondays just suck.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I just cannot think of a title here...

It just hit me that I am likely to stim this week, at some point. If I could use a miracle, it would be this week. I will know more after tomorrow. (When they let me out of my OR room to go for my date with the cooter cam.)

Please, please let this work.

Just trying to keep breathing. And hoping...

Friday, November 21, 2008

So far..

So good! If the side effects do not kill me first. Apparently I respond well to the follistim. Better than my RE expected. So that is good. I have to go back Monday for another scan.

Going back for these scans is driving my workplace slightly batty. For those who do not understand how the OR works, I have to be at work at 6:45 AM, on a normal day. On days I am doing more technical cases, I have to there around 6:15 AM. Doctor's offices do not open until 8:30 AM. On Monday, I have a robot case. So, I have to go in and get the case started and then be relieved out of the room for my appointment. Fortunately, I think there are enough people in the robot room that I should be able to make the appointment, provided they get the robot docked at a reasonable time. The case could be long. It is posted as something and lysis of adhesions. I see the words "lysis of adhesions", and I just know that the case is going to be a long time. And it is a prima donna surgeon, to boot.

The side effects of the follistim are probably going to drive me nuts. I am tired, irritable, and generally washed out. I actually have shared what I am doing with my co-workers, and I think they notice a difference. They are all hoping that this cycle works, and we end up with a BFP. Of course, they tease me to no end about the hot flashes and crabbiness. They tease 'cause they love, but it is really hard to take if you are irritable. I am really trying to be a good sport, though.

I get the weekend without the hubby, so I can sort of get caught up on me stuff at my own speed without having to entertain him. I also get to meet one of my girlfriends this weekend, and spend the day with her. I am really looking forward to that. Hopefully I can sleep in some, and get caught up on rest. Working 40+ hours per week is really draining, in general. But with the follistim, it feels impossible.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hot Flashes!

OMG! I had no idea about the hot flashes, y'all. Just to put it in perspective, I work in an OR. It is usually freezing. We consistently keep the temp below 70 degrees, so it is pretty darn chilly. And I was taking off my jacket and sweating! My glasses were fogging up! I asked a coworker if it was warm in the room, and she said no. I think I was having my own personal summer. I was really strange. The first time I have had a hot flash like that.

Today was a better day. I worked with really nice surgeons, which made it easier to be happy.

Tomorrow I have my vaginal ultrasound in the morning. I get to be late to work. We will see how my follicles are developing.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So tired!

I started the follistim on Monday. I give myself the injections at night. Taking the meds at night worked with clomid, and so I decided to try to continue it with the injectable meds. I have an appointment on Friday morning for a ultrasound to check my follicles. I will end up about 2 hours late to work, but at least they will give me a doctor's note. Hubby is going out of town this weekend, and he was worried about leaving. He was afraid he might miss stimulation. I checked with the RE and he thinks we may stim next week, and they said that he should be all right to go out of town this weekend. We will know more on Friday after my ultrasound.

I am really tired and spaced out, and irritable to boot. It did not help that I was in a stressful room today helping with robot cases for a new surgeon who has no finesse. Not fun. But I got through the day, and I am not playing with the robot tomorrow. I am working with some really nice surgeons tomorrow, and that should be really good day. Hopefully I will be less cranky. I think the follistim is not helping my disposition much. I am not really pretty when I am tired and irritable.

Hubby mentioned that he dreamed I was pregnant recently. I think he is really hoping this cycle works. I have a feeling that hopes are high. Right now, I am just praying for good sperm. He has been taking vitamins, and we are living in a completely different area. I think his semen was better here than it was in Richmond. I can only hope. Still trying to believe in miracles...

Monday, November 17, 2008

LOL Monday

I have started to become addicted to LOLcatz. I thought I would share a little of my addiction with you...

Also, I think we all could use a smile on Monday...


funny pictures
moar funny pictures

I hope everyone's week starts off well!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

One Infertile's Prayer

Dear G*d, I could use a miracle.

You have gifted me with a good life, a wonderful husband, and caring family and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for. You have done so much for me.

But Hubby and I feel that something is missing.

This cycle I start poking myself with needles so that my husband and I can maybe, just maybe, become parents. I have already let go of the fact that getting me pregnant is not going to happen naturally. OK, maybe I have not completely let it go. It still hurts when I think about it. I understand that it will take more than oral meds to get the job done. I am willing and able to subject myself to all the poking and prodding that I know will happen during this cycle.

I am scared. All I can do is be present. There is nothing I can do to make a pregnancy happen. That really scares me. Using injectable medications is a big step for both Hubby and me, and we both really want it to work.

Part of me is scared it will work. The concept of being pregnant is unreal to me. I have a hard time thinking about it, so I just don't think about pregnancy and being pregnant. I have had a decade to practice this, so I am good at not being pregnant. All I can focus on right now is the next step in conception. I am more comfortable thinking about the cycle not working. I am familiar with those feelings. The depression which comes with the red tide every month, the emptiness you feel in your body every cycle. I had gotten to the point where I knew I was not pregnant, no matter what had happened that month.

Help me believe that this is possible. Help me believe that miracles can happen to me.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Away we go....

Today was cd1. I started this morning as I was getting ready for work. I called to make my baseline ultrasound appointment this morning. I laughed at the poor receptionist when she asked if I could be there at 10 that morning. I can barely get a break from work, and they ask if I can come in the same day. Bless their hearts. My baseline ultrasound is scheduled for Monday at 3:30 PM. I think I should get my drug protocol at that point. (At least I hope so...) Likely I will be low and slow, as I have PCOS and they do not want to overstimulate.

I told hubby to research doing IM injections. I think he does want to be a part of this, and is willing to do the trigger injection, along with making his deposit. We will see. I may just take the vial with me when I do the ultrasound and have the nurse do the trigger. I think he is sort of excited, too.

Right now I am coming off of two days of 12 hour shifts after a long week. I am really tired, and probably not very coherent. Maybe I will be more coherent in the morning after some rest.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I should know better...

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I do not talk about it much because I have known about it and lived with it for about a decade now. It is always just there. I take my meds and try to go on with life. I know what I need to do to feel good. Usually I try to do those things. I take my metformin, I try to work out, when I can. I make an effort to watch what I eat. When all of these things fall into place, I feel good. I am full of energy and I am happy. Usually around the time of my period I get tired and crabby and bloated. All the usual PMS things. The PMS is not as bad if I try to do all the things which make me feel good.

That being said....

Right now I do not feel great.

I think it is a combination of not taking care of myself and PMS. I have not really been watching what I eat. I have not been working out. I am expecting a period this weekend.

I have just been really lazy. With everything, really. Eating. meds, excersize.

I started running when I was in Tappahannock. I discovered chirunning, and I started running around my neighborhood when we moved to our current house. It only takes me about a half hour to get a workout in, and I feel so much better afterward. I have had a light schedule so far this week, but today is the first day this week I have gotten out to run. Now I work three long shifts in a row. I am going to be fried by the weekend. Thank goodness I have the weekend. I just know my period will come in the middle of one of my long shifts. That would be the icing on the cake. Maybe I should carry around Midol this week. (That may also help with the headaches from the surgeons... I think I am on to something. Maybe I should carry it around more often.)

I also have been eating whatever I want. Not good. If I eat less, and eat healthier, I feel better. I know this. But I have not been following through. I am not eating nearly enough green leafy veggies, my fruit and vegetable consumption is not very high at the moment. And I am eating way too many sweets and fried foods. Really, I need to do better.

I just sucks having PMS. I feel blue and irritable, and poor Hubby gets the brunt of it. He has put up with me all this time, and he is still here. I think he has the patience of a saint sometimes. I know it will pass. All will be better once my period gets here. So it needs to hurry up and get here, dammit!

The other thing my period heralds is the start of my first cycle with injectable meds. In a way, I really want the cycle to start so that we can get started playing with drugs. I know that there is a good chance that the cycle might not work. All of the clomid IUI cycles were a bust, and I am not sure how exactly this will help if there is poor sperm morphology. I am willing to try it a few times before doing donor insemination. It might work. I do not know. I guess anything is possible.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I am a bad girl!

I have not been updating this as regularly as I should! Not that my life is all that exciting, but my free time is limited, so finding time to blog and comment can be an issue. I think that is one reason I am not as active in the bloggy community as I could be. I guess that is life, though.

At the moment, I am just waiting for the cycle to end so we can start the medicated cycle. I should get my period in the ext week or so. I think.

I did something weird happen to me, though. One of my coworkers dreamed I was pregnant. I asked her if she knew I was about to start IF treatment. She did not know that fact. We decided to hope that her dreaming about me was a good omen. Weird, though.

I will try to write more tomorrow. I will have more time to be coherent.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

"Sick" Day

I called in sick today because my meds for my medicated IUI cycle were being delivered today and that was the only someone could be home to sign for them. And they came in the morning. Yay! I actually spent a good portion of the morning dealing with medical stuff and various errands which I have been putting off. So my excuse (of having a medical issue to deal with that would take the bulk of the day) is not that far off the mark. And I got to get out of a really crappy shift. And I get to see Hubby this evening and not be tired and cranky. I do feel sort of silly taking a day off so soon after vacation, but it feels really good. I think this is the first or second unscheduled PTO day I have taken since I got off of orientation in June.

I do not know if I will post the inevitable picture of the fertility meds. It is just Follistim and HCG. Though the Follistim Pen is sort of cool. I hope I remember how to use it. Now I just need to wait for the inevitable period and get a baseline U/S. So far I really like my RE's nurse. She is great. I know enough to simply ask the front desk to transfer me to her, and I leave a message. She always calls me back. I think it is fantastic.

I hope this was not too rambly. Just really enjoying the beautiful day off!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Weekend Relaxation!

What a nice day to have nothing to do! I slept in this morning, and then Hubby and I went out to breakfast. He then left for a shooting match, so I have the house to myself. Bliss!

Last night was a bear. I do not know what happened, but we did seem to get a lot of traumas, and cases seemed to be more difficult for some reason, and surgeons kept posting a lot of cases. I had two lap choles go open. One right after the other, with two different surgeons. I was about ready to tear my hair out by the time I left. Thank goodness they did not need me after 9 PM. They told me to leave, so I left. I have a hunch they were going all night. Glad I was not there! I went home and had some red wine, and a chocolate chip cookie and went to bed. I was dead on my feet.

One good thing was that my eval was pretty good. I only got dinged a little for my attitude. (Damn cynicism strikes again!) Everyone I worked with laughed at that, for some reason. I did get a nice raise. Come December, I will get about 70 cents an hour more. That will be nice. It was sort of neat that I was missed while I was on vacation. I think people like working with me. Who knew?

On the IF stuff: On Thursday I left a message with my RE's nurse, and she ordered my meds for next cycle. My father in law wants to pay for it, so I am sort of waiting for him to pay before I get them. I figure as long as they are here by next week, I should be fine. At least I hope so.

Oh, and played with Google's Picasa, and I have a photo album of pictures from vacation. Enjoy!
Arizona 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

Boo!

I am back from Arizona. It was wonderful, and I will try to post pictures this weekend. Really.

I have a scary day today. I have a 12 hour shift in the OR, and I am on call until 11 PM. Things could get scary. (What with alcohol likely to be involved.) On the bright side, I do not have to deal with children, unless they end up in our OR. (I hate it when children end up in my OR room.) I am going in expecting it to be crazy, so that if it is not, it is a nice surprise. I am leaving Hubby with some candy, just in case he wants to deal with trick or treaters. I made sure he is not caught unprepared. I am a little disappointed we did not get to really decorate this year. I usually love to carve pumpkins but I did not get the chance this year, between being out of town and my crazy work schedule.

Oh, I also left a message for my RE's nurse yesterday. I told her we were back from vacation, and the she could order meds so that we could finally do a medicated cycle next cycle. I left the message at the end of the day, so I have not heard back from her yet. Ah well, I may not get the chance to call her until next week. Stoopid work.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I think my body is trying to tell me something....

This is just so typical. I seem to get sick right as I am going on a break of some sort. I started feeling sick last night, and today I really feel like I have a cold. I am taking vitamin C and sucking on zinc drops and making an effort to take it easy. Hubby says I do not sound too bad, but I do not feel great. I seem to tire easily, and just do not want to move fast.

The problem is that we are leaving for vacation tomorrow! I still have to pack and make the house presentable for our house sitter. I ran my errands this morning, so the only stuff to do is drop off the dogs, pack, and clean the house up a little. I think we will both miss the dogs this evening, but tonight was the best time to drop them off. Our flight leaves early in the morning.

At least I can take it easy while on vacation. My appointment at the spa is for Thursday. Hopefully I will feel better by then. At least Tombstone is a sleepy town, so there is not much to do. And Arizona is dry and warm, so the weather should be nice. I do not know how much updating I can do over vacation. The house only has dial up internet. If we get somewhere with free wireless, I may try to get an entry in. We will see.

I hope everyone has a good week!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Unveiling

I cannot believe I actually did it. Just to prepare you, I am not a small female, so I am not cute, so what you are seeing is me, warts and all. My tattoo is placed right above my mongolian spot, so there is some discoloration below my tattoo, and that is just me and my body.

So here it is....





It hurt to get it, and it still hurts today, and will likely hurt tomorrow. But I love him. I love having a dragon watching my back and protecting me.

I did it!

I now have a tattoo! Went yesterday afternoon and got it.

Pictures to follow. It looks great. He looks almost exactly like the picture. I now have a dragon watching my back and protecting my chi!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Breathing Room

I have the gift of a two days off in the middle of the week. So I am taking it slow this morning. It is really nice. Especially since I have my period right now. I do have some errands to run, but I can do those in my own time. I only have one more 12 hour shift to go before my time off for vacation starts. It is on Friday, but I can deal with that.

I finally made a date with my friend to get our tattoos! We are going this Saturday. I took in my picture of a dragon for the artist to work with, and I think he is not going to do a lot to change it. The dragon itself is too wonderful. When I saw this picture, I knew that this was going to be my dragon. And then when I printed it out, it was the exact size I wanted, I think it was kismet. The picture is below, but I will show you the finished tat once it is done. Yes, he is going to be a red dragon. I am planning on having him a really dark red. I think that will go better with my skin tone.




I also decided what I am going to do for Christmas gifts for my family this year. For the past year or so, I have decorated bags and given them to my family. This year I am going a step further. I think I am going to make bags for Christmas gifts this year. I tried one out the other day, and it wa really pretty easy. I think I know what I need to do to get them to come out the way I want them. And I have a sewing room this year, so I can leave all the stuff set up. I love it. I have never had a creative space of my own before, and I am discovering that it is a real gift to have it.

Oscar went his first obedience class last night. He was really nervous and stressed. I hope it gets better. The instructor suggested we take our dogs out to places more often to get them bette socialized. I think that is a good idea. I may try to plan a dog outing for the weekend. I also do not think that Oscar and I have really bonded. I think in order for the class to work for us, I need to spend time with him. So Hubby and I are going to switch dogs on our walks. I will start walking Oscar, and he will walk Gertrude. I may start doing some training with Gertrude after I train Oscar so that she know I still love her. We will see how this all works out.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Happy October!

I have not been a good blogger lately. Really bad with the posting, and not doing a lot of commenting. I think I am just marking time until we start our first IUI with trigger cycle, so there is not a lot to say.

Thanks for your kind words about my co-worker. I have been trying to be better with her, and she seems to be trying, too. So it seems to be working out. Thank goodness!

I signed Oscar up for beginning obedience. The class starts this Tuesday, though no dogs on the first night of class. I think this should be good for him. He is a big dog, and we have not done any formal obedience training, so he can get out of control. Usually Hubby handles him when we are out, so there is not usually a problem, but it would be nice for him to have some manners. I am not sure what Gertrude will think when Oscar and I go off and leave her. I think she may get a little jealous. I will have to figure out something to do with her.

Our vacation is coming up in a couple of weeks. I think we both really need it. I know we are both looking forward to it. We are vacationing in Tombstone, Arizona. I should be able to do a whole lot of nothing while I am there. I may take a trip to Bisbee for a spa day, unless I can find a spa in Tombstone. We will see.

Hopefully everyone will have a good week!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Stupid me!

There are times when I can be really jerky and idiotic. I was that way this past week. I was impatient and blind and insulting with someone who I really need to be able to work with. Now I am in self-flagellation mode because I was so stupid and careless with this co-worker. I just want to hide my head in the sand and make it disappear. Unfortunately, I cannot do that. I have to find a way to make this work. I am trying to be more patient, but it does not come easily. We work completely differently. I am a little anal and like things a certain way. She is not nearly as organized (it appears to me.) She moves a little slower, and she has different priorities. Some of her priorities are dictated by her position, but they conflict with my priorities at times. I am afraid I also got a little cocky. Not good. I am still new in comparison to many of the people I work with. I think the events of the past week have opened my eyes to a lot of things I was doing wrong. That is good, I think. Now I can accept them and deal with them. Hopefully I will be able to get over this without too much trouble. I hate feeling like an idiot and stupid, though.

Friday, September 19, 2008

In-Laws this weekend!

Hubby and I are going out of town this weekend to visit his parents. Hubby's grandmother is turning 80, so we are celebrating her birthday. We are giving her a breadbasket filled with my made from scratch butter milk biscuits. No one in her family makes biscuits from scratch, so I thought I would make some for her birthday. We are boarding the dogs this weekend at a kennel. I think this is sort of a dry run for vacation. Hopefully it will work.

Speaking of vacation, our vacation is causing us to delay IUI #1. My period started this past Monday. When I went in for my injection class on Tuesday, the nurse and I looked at the dates, and we discovered that November will be the first chance I have at trying a cycle. I think the waiting will kill me. On the bright side, I will be able to drink on vacation. That is something, at least.

Work about killed me this week. Wednesday we had two robot cases with slow and difficult surgeons. I also had a weak circulator with me. The scary thing was, the second circulator was my clinical team leader. She needs to be a resource and a leader, but I have not found her to be very helpful to me since I have been on the service. Robot cases need two circulators. If a robot case goes bad, it can go bad quickly. Also, it helps to have two people there to troubleshoot the robot and get any other equipment needed. My second circulator kept leaving. She even tried to re-assign herself to another room. I was really mad. If she does not want to do that part of the job, she should just admit it and find a way around it. It is not fair to the patient, or the rest of the surgical team, to be in a room and do a half-assed job. Robot surgery is technical and involved. I do not have a lot of patience for people who act like they cannot do the job. I was scheduled 12 hours that day, so I knew I would be in that room the entire day. It still makes me mad just thinking about it now two days after the fact. I had to run that damn room all by myself. I talked with my managers the next day, they told me that they would talk with my clinical team leader, but I do not know if that will do any good. On the bright side, they promised me that I would learn to scrub robot cases. I may not end up scrubbing a whole lot of the robot cases, but at least I will know how the robot really works. I hopefully will be able to troubleshoot the robot better if I have gotten the chance to play with it. That is the piece I am missing. I think they will like it because I will be able to do lunch reliefs and things like that. One more person who can stay late and finish a long robot case.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Long Days...

Robot case this morning, then I stayed late to finish the room. I think I can be a pushover sometimes. But I am not on call, so I got to have a lovely glass of wine (well, two glasses, really) when I got home.

Tomorrow is another long day, but for different reasons. I have another robot case tomorrow morning, so I have to be at work early. But I have my injection class tomorrow after work! Yay! One step closer to actually doing something. Unfortunately, my period chooses a stupid time to start. Yep, my period started yesterday. Bummer. That means this cycle is likely going to be another waiting cycle. I totally thought my cycle would be longer, because it usually is. I hate it. Why does it have to pick now to be inpredictable? Stoopid period. Just holding off a week would have been fine. But no, my body decided to have a four week cycle instead of the five week cycle I usually have. I wish something would work out for me, and my body will cooperate. My body is not helping with this infertility stuff!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sept 11

Today is Sept 11, the Anniversary of the bombing of the Twin Towers in New York, and the Pentagon in DC. The day it happened, I was at a temp job in Christiansburg, VA with no radio, and no way to get the news. I did not believe it at the time. I cannot remember how I finally realized that it had happened, but it eventually registered that something really bad had happened. My immediate family was living in the Northern VA at the time, so I called all of them and made sure that they were all right.

What was interesting for me about 9/11 is that traumatic events like that can really shake up your life. One effect of the events for me is that my grandmother and I had another falling out. After this event, I finally decided that I had had enough of this relationship as it was. My grandmother and I were constantly butting heads. My husband thinks it is because we are so much alike. I do not know about that, but I did know that my grandmother and I could not get along. It would not take much for either one of us to start an argument with the other. After 9/11, I started seeing a counselor to work out the relationship with my grandmother. We get along better now, but we still do not like to show the other our weaknesses. I had to let go of my ideas about my relationship with her in order to get along with her.

The other thing which came out of my counseling sessions was nursing. In looking at my life, where I was, and where I was going, I decided that I wanted to go to nursing school. It was a decision I never regretted. I love being a nurse! I always wanted to have a cool job, and now I have one. I am an OR nurse. Sure, the hours are long, and the job is demanding, but I love it. I would not want to be anywhere else.

The emotional fallout from 9/11 affected me more than anything else. It was a national traumatic event which definitely affected the entire nation. The EMS and firefighters who were there for the attacks are truly heroic.

Nights and Weekends

I have to get used to staying up late the next few nights. I have a couple of evening shifts coming up this weekend. I am hoping they will be calm, but I am not expecting it. With the weekend comes alcohol, and with the alcohol sometimes comes trauma. I am praying that it will be shifts full of lap choles and lap appys, maybe even a stable ectopic. (Unstable ectopics are really scary.)

One website I have discovered is Pandora. We listen to music in the OR, and often we leave the music on all day. You can get any kind of music, and it does not repeat a whole lot. You can ban songs for a month if you think that they are being played too often. The account is free, and you can customize stations just for you. If you put in an artist, it will play similar music. (It is way better than A.O.L. Radio, just sayin'.)

The counseling appointment was a no-go. I do not know if we got the date of the appointment wrong, or the counselor forgot, but no one was there. If it is our fault, I think we could reschedule. If it is their fault, I think we should go elsewhere. Just my feeling. I hate having my time wasted. I missed an agility class to go to that appointment because I thought our marriage was more important. Hubby will call today and see what happened. Hopefully he will make an appointment somewhere for us. Just not on a Tuesday.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Ketchup

Catching up today. Hubby and I spent the weekend painting our living room. It was a huge job, because our living room is huge, but it had to be done. The previous owners painted the room this poopy brown color. I hated it. It made the whole room look cave-like, and it sort of felt like the walls were closing in on me. Why they would want to make the room look smaller is beyond me.

So we went from this...




To this...







All the furniture is in the exact same place as before, but the room looks and feels a whole lot larger and airier. It really feels more open. Yellow is my favorite color, and this yellow is soft and buttery, and should be easy to live with. The color is from Lo.we's Nat.ional Trust colors. It is Home.stead Resort Tea Ro.om Cream. I love Lo.we's Nat.ional Trust colors. They are usually a good bet.

I had the day off today, which was really nice. I did have a productive day and got caught up on things I had been putting off. Hubby and I have our intake eval tomorrow with the counseling center. I have an eval coming up at work. Hmm, I sense a trend...

Next week I have my appointment for the injection class. We decided to try IUI with injectables using Hubby's guys. I think we are planning on trying this for at least three cycles. If that does not work , the we will move toward donor insemination. If my period arrives as expected, my TWW for this first IUI with injectable cycle will likely be during my vacation. Hopefully that will take away some of the anxiety. We will see.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Robot Thursday

The surgeon I was with had two robot cases today, and they both went well. (Both done by 2 PM. I was impressed. ) Overall, a nice day at work, and I got to leave early. Even better.

Hubby made the appointment for couples counseling. We go next Tuesday for our intake interview. We will see what happens from there. Hopefully I will have my schedule for the next month, so we can make the appointment for the next one. I think the counseling will be worth doing. I think there are things we can work through. (Such as IF, moving to across the state, communication.)

Other than that, there is not a lot else going on. I am waiting for the injection class in a couple of weeks. That will allow us to try the IUI with trigger next cycle. Until then, I am trying to be patient.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Lurking

I seem to be doing a lot of lurking right now. I am reading, but not doing a lot of commenting. Not sure why. I guess I am just not inspired to say much right now. I am still around, though.

I get a three day weekend this weekend. I love it. I could use the extra day off. I know Hubby is enjoying having my around. Speaking of Hubby, I think he has concluded that he is going through a mid life crisis. He is 37, and he is looking at his life and deciding that this is not where he expected to be right now. He still wants to do counseling, but he has not made any move to actually make an appointment with a counselor. I am willing to go with him for couples counseling. It will not hurt anything. I am sure there is IF stuff we could work through. I am just happy he is not chasing other women and buying sports cars.

I am making scrub hats this weekend. I have worn the same dozen or so for the past few months, and I was starting to get bored with them. I think I have the pattern to where I like it now. I found that I like some size to the bouffant on the hats, and I like the band I did this time. I think it will be way more comfortable. They are fairly easy to make. I am also thinking of doing some seasonal hats. I might like to do some for Halloween and Christmas. I may have to get some material for that this weekend.

Here are a couple of the hats I made this weekend.... (Thanks to my dog's teddy bear for the modeling help.)

I hope everyone has a good Labor Day weekend!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Rainy Wednesday

And I have the day off! I really needed it, too. Work has been really rough. I was in two really bad cases over the past couple of days. One was a trauma, and the other was a scheduled case which went bad. Really bad. I hate trauma, and I hate having cases go bad. I prefer nice, predictable scheduled cases where things go exactly as planned. I do not get all excited by trauma, I get stressed out. I need to get rid of the bad mojo. Hopefully it will be gone by the time I go back to work tomorrow.

Hubby has been in a funk lately. The other night we tried to talk, but I think we missed what the other is saying. I think he was trying to tell me that he resents the fact that I made us move out here. I was the one who took the job at this big hospital in Roanoke. I was the one who said I could not stay in Tappahannock. I really could not stay. I was way too depressed. He keeps wanting me to stop working so much overtime. I actually do not work a lot of overtime. Usually it is about 4-5 hours per week. I think that is not so bad. They usually let me out of my room when I am scheduled to get off work. I am not on call very often. I love what I do. In order for us to be financially comfortable I have to work the hours I do. I pack lunches for both of us most days. I pay the mortgage. I think Hubby is doing fantastic with his practice. I really appreciate the fact that he is able to help pay the bills. I am actually impressed that he is able to do that so soon after starting his solo practice. I may have been a little stressed out for a while once I realized that my paychecks would not cover all the bills coming in, but that was no indication on how he was doing. That was me being stressed about not being able to pay the bills, and not feeing comfortable enough to ask him to help pay them. I was trying not to put any pressure on him because I was not sure how well his practice was doing. I do not know what else I can do to be supportive. I think between his feelings about the move and the IF stuff, he may not be happy underneath it all. I do not know what I can do to help. We may try seeing a marriage counselor. Hopefully the counselor can at least help us communicate better, which may go a long way to helping us work through this.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Lazy Satuday

Hubby and I had a really hard time getting moving this morning. We did not eat breakfast until 9:30 this morning. It was really nice. I think I feel that way every Saturday morning we sleep in.

I think my venture into eating core foods with WW this week was a bust. I just do not eat that way. I think I like food and wine too much. I go back to Flex plan this week. I have lost weight, though, so they took another point away from me. It will take me a little bit to figure out where the point will come from. At least I have lost weight. Hopefully that will continue.

I got my big blue tunnel so that I can play with my dog. I realized that I need to find a way to keep it from rolling in order to get her to go through it. I will work it out. My new agility class will start this Tuesday.

Work was all right this week. Nothing too very exiting. The robot took most of the week off, though. I think it was tired.

And now for some thing completely different...
This made me smile.

cat
more animals

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Patience, Grashopper!

Patience is not my strong point. I feel like I am so close, yet so far away.

There was much confusion at my appointment today. I made the appointment for the ultrasound yesterday. I thought that was what the RE wanted. I was mistaken, and the staff there did not set me straight. I have not seen the RE in over a month, so I think neither of us were sure what was going on. So, the appointment was made, and I went in today. I talked with the RE, who was confused on why we were doing the ultrasound. He said he usually does baseline ultrasounds once patients have the medication in hand. He was also not sure what we wanted to do. We discussed the options. I let him know that we really wanted to try injectables next. The clomid and IUI did not work. So, I now have an appointment to get the teaching on the injections. Yippee! Hopefully both me and Hubby can get off work. I am crossing my fingers that things will be better now that I can see him regularly.

I am just generally crabby today, though. Despite the fact I have the day off. I switched my WW eating plan from flex to core, just to see how I could do. I think I am going to have to try it for a couple of weeks before I get the hang of it. Right now I am feeling shaky and irritable, and i think it is because I started trying flex plan yesterday. At least I do not have to be at work. I hope I will adjust soon. I am trying to drink a lot of water and bear with it for the time being.
I may try to work out later today. I think I need it, and it should make me feel better.

Off to clean house a bit. I do not know how, but the house seems messy to me almost right after we clean it. Very frustrating...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Monday, Monday.

Not bad for a Monday, really. The robot case went well, despite the grumpy surgeon. (Damn those grumpy surgeons! I got off work on time, and that can be a minor miracle some days.

I made an appointment with my RE for the ultrasound of the uterus. They made it for tomorrow! I could not believe it. I was lucky enough to be off, and they had time to fit me in. Yay! I love it! The only problem was, I thought the test would be done 7-10 days after my the start of my period. I hope they are able to do it. I guess we will see tomorrow. At least I will be able to talk to my RE and hopefully get things moving. As I said, we will see. Hopefully all will become clear in the morning.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Finally!

Yay! Period started today around midday. Now I can call the RE and make an appointment for the ultrasound of my uterus. Finally! That took long enough. It made me realize how much I love this community, though. It was really helpful to read blogs of women who were going through the same thing I was was. Not to mention all the bloggy love of the comments.

I am a little nervous about this uterus ultrasound. I am afraid I am going to have a D and C because my lining is too thick. My previous RE mentioned that my uterine lining was a little thick, but he did not think it would be a problem. I guess I will know soon enough.

Still Nothing

Still waiting on AF. Still frustrated she is not cooperating. The one cycle I want her to show up, and she disappears. I hate how PMS symptoms are so similar to pregnancy symptoms, it makes it very easy to delude yourself.

I think I have decided that August is a crappy month. Do not start anything in August. I think things that start in August just do not work out. I do not have anything to base this on, just a gut feeling I get around every August. And it may be just me, and where I am at today.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I just want to cry! or Rant, rant, rant!

Just to fill you in, here are the facts: My cycles are usually around 35 days. Metformin keeps them nice and regular. My last period was July 6. I should have started this past weekend. I still do not have my period. I am exhausted and not nearly as perky as I usually am. I broke down and POAS and it was BFN. (Or "Not Pregnant" as the test told me.) I was kicking myself for buying the damn thing in the first place, because it did not tell me anything I did not already know deep down in my heart. I am never pregnant. Apparently it cannot happen to me without some sort of medical intervention, and even then, I am not sure.

I just want to cry because I am so tired, and I have no reason for it. Stupid hope kicks you in the ass every time, don't it. Once I start my period I can start the next round of IF stuff, but damn Flo ain't showing up. What the hell is going on? Is it too much to ask for my period to show up when I expect it to? Or if it does not show up, I want a damn good reason. I was expecting my period this cycle, so where is it? It always showed up before. Now is not the time to go missing!

Of course now that I have POAS, my period will start tomorrow. It had better. I do not know how much more of this I can take.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Theme of the Week: DaVinci

I realized today that I am likely going to be in robot cases three days out of five. At least tomorrow the surgeon is really nice, even if the room is going to be a zoo. There will be four nurses (two scrubbed), one scrub tech, three doctors, one rep, one anesthesiologist, and one laparoscopic tech. It takes a team to get these cases done, but everyone on the team has to do their part. Not everyone on my team tomorrow pulls the same weight. I may get frustrated. No, I suspect I will get frustrated. On the bright side, I am only there until 3 PM, so after the DaVinci case is over I can go home. I may also be in the DaVinci cases later this week. One surgeon has posted two in one day. That makes for a long day. At least there will be fewer people in the room for those cases. One thing which makes these cases difficult this week is that the DaVinci laparoscopic tech is on vacation. I think he chose a bad week to go on vacation. I hope I can make it through the week.

I still have not gotten my period, and I am so tired! I think this PMS is wiping me out this cycle. I may I need to start taking some Motrin menstrual complete. (That stuff is the bomb!) It has now been just over 35 days since my last period. (That sounded like an AA admission, sorry.) My cycles have usually been around 32-35 days. But they have been known to be longer. I hate POAS because it is always so depressing, and I feel like a loser. Another rejection. Though POAS can bring on the period, so maybe I should try it just to get the cycle over with. At the moment, I am just hoping my period will come on tomorrow. My period always shows up, and this cycle is not going to be the exception. I have had a decade without a BFP, so I am fairly sure that we are not going to get pregnant without medical intervention.
I have learned to squelch any hope because it just depresses me further.

I hate the waiting.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sunday, The End of the Weekend

How sad. This was a good weekend, too. Yesterday I ran some errands in the morning, and then Hubby and I attended a beer tasting festival in the afternoon. We had a good time, but I realized that we are sort of middle aged. Hubby got heartburn from all the beer after a few hours. He says he was drinking too fast. We are likely going back next year, and we will plan better for it. After we came home, we took a nap. How sad is that.

Ir is around the time for my period, so I am waiting . As far as I know, it may come today. I hate the few days before my period. I am a little grumpy, a little wiped out, and I do not want to deal with stuff. On the bright side, it is one step closer to getting started with IF treatment. I guess that is something. This waiting is driving me up a wall.

I play with robots tomorrow at work. I also have to deal with a pompous surgeon. I know, they are all sort of pompous, but some are in a class by themselves. It also means that I have to show up early two days in a row. My little GYN surgeon is doing a robot case on Tuesday, and I will be assigned to that. Hopefully that is all the robot cases I will have to do for the week. I am crossing my fingers. but I am not expecting a whole lot.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Random Tag

Jess at Life in the White House tagged me for this sort of random activity..

Here are the tag rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you

2. Post the rules on your blog

3. Write 6 random things about yourself

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them

5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.


Here are six random things about myself.

1. Hubby and I met on a blind date my freshman year in college. I met one of his roommates earlier in the week who set me up with Hubby that weekend. We have been together ever since. I think we both knew quality when we see it.

2. I grew up Presyterian, but I currently attend Quaker meetings. The Quaker meetings seem to fit where I am in my life right now. It is also really nice to start your week with some quiet time.

3. Yellow is my favorite color. I love bright bold colors in general. I find I am a little sensitive to color, and I prefer to be surrounded by happy bright shades and tones. I suspect this is a legacy from my mother.

4. I am sort of addicted to romance novels. Jayne Ann Krentz and Jennifer Crusie are a couple of my favorites. I am sort of picky about them, though. I find I like the heroine to be smart, and I love to have the hero suffer. I love the fact that the plot is always the same, and I do not have to put a lot of thought into reading them.

5. I am exhausted right now. I had call last night and I was called in around midnight. They only needed me for an hour. They did let me come in late this morning, and I was in a really nice room. I guess it was not all bad. but I am still really tired. And I have to work 12 hours tomorrow. Ah, the life of an OR nurse. I think I signed on for the glamor.

6. I am an oenophile, and I love having my glass of wine at night. I cannot drink wine when I am on call, but otherwise, wine is a regular part of my diet. I mostly drink red wines. But I drink white wine in the summer, sometimes.


Now I have to tag six people...

1. Emily at Apron Strings For Emily Just because I think she is great.
2. Andrea at Are You Listening? Because I think she needs something to do.
3. Bec at Egg Riot. Because I want to get to know her better.
4. Trace at One Hardy Swimmer. Just because she is so cool!
5, Portaits in Sepia because I just love that blog.
6. Deborah at Waiting on Life, just cause she is yet another wonderful woman!

Thanks Jess, that was fun!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Down the Wine Trail

To celebrate our 12th anniversary, I wanted to go visit wineries in SW Va. This past weekend, they had a progressive wine pairing at local wineries. Hubby and I visited a lot of vineyards and drank a lot of great wines. It was a beautiful day, as well.

I will apologize because I cannot upload the few pictures we took. Stoopid computer!

The first winery we went to was AmRrien Wine Cellars. It was the closest to Roanoke. Really pretty, and the wine was wonderful I bought a lovely white here. Very yummy! They also have dinners under the stars of Fridays in August. Dinner for two and bottle of wine at a reasonable price. I think we may be back for a date night.

We also went to Villa Appalachia, a cute little Italian style winery. They had some nice wines, too. I bought another white here. Virginia grows better whites than reds, so it is probably not surprising I bought white wine. This was a really cute winery. They had some beautiful gardens.

We also went to Chateau Morrisette, the largest winery in the region, I think. They felt more like an amusement park than a winery. I liked the smaller wineries better. I tasted their wine, which is really nice. I can buy their wine at the grocery store, though, so it was not as interesting as some of the other places we visited.

Some of my favorite places on the tour were not actually wineries at all. Foggy Ridge Cider made hard ciders. I had never had hard ciders before, and Hubby and I were both pleasantly surprised. Very yummy! I highly recommend the First Fruit cider. It was clean and crisp and very delicious. I think we may have to go back again.

We also vistited a meadery. I have never had fermented wine. Hubby and I tend to drink drier wines, so some of the meads were a little too sweet for us. They had one mead which was like drinking honey. Very rich and very sweet. It also had a lovely golden color. The meads were interesting to try. And the name was too cool. Blacksnake Meadery. How cool is that! Their Hoppy Bee Brew was actually quite nice, so we took home a bottle.

All in all a nice drive through beautiful country, with alcohol. What better way to celebrate our anniversary than for me to get drunk, and let Hubby take advantage? Good times!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Busy, Busy, Busy

I probably will not be able to post again until this weekend. I work 12 hours today, 10 hours tomorrow, and Saturday is our 12th wedding anniversary. Long days at work sort of suck. Oh well. Such is life.

Gertrude is doing pretty well with agility. she is still having trouble with the tunnel, but she is getting most of the other obstacles. I am very proud of her. I need to go by Home De.pot this weekend to get some toys for her so I can lay the foundation for some of the obstacles. I may end up with a mini agility course in our backyard. That should be interesting.

I do not have much else to say right now. I hope everyone else has a good week!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Summertime, and the living is easy!

cat
more cat pictures

This just made me smile. I think it was the mention if itty bitty kitties. Too cute!

Tuesday's Post

I am really crappy with titles. I always feel like my post titles are lame. Usually because they are. Maybe I should start putting more random stuff up there.

Hubby is still sick. I think he is a little worse today than yesterday. He says he feels like he has a fever, and he did feel a little warm to the touch. (I know, not really reliable.) He has been taking Thera.Flu regularly. That stuff really works. He seems to be able to function if he takes it. He has court most of the week, so he cannot really call in sick. Sucks to be him. Hopefully he will feel better by the end of the week. I work later hours Thursday and Friday and cannot be at home to do a lot of coddling. (Not that I do a lot to begin with, but at least I am home to listen to him complain. That is something.) This weekend is our anniversary, and we both would like Hubby to feel better by the weekend. We also would prefer it if I did not come down with the cold. Not that we have plans for the weekend yet.

Work has been light this week, so far. The MDs are mot posting a lot of cases because of the new computer charting system. The computer stuff at work has been just sort of obnoxious. The program was designed with the floor nurses in mind. Which is great for the floor nurses and floor staff, but really obnoxious for the OR staff. OR nurses work a lot differently than floor nurses do. But we do have to do some things with the computer. We send cultures and specimens, and we order blood. All of that has to be done with this new program. You have to go through 5 steps just to get one thing done. Trying to print our pathology order sheet is horrible. You have to put in the order, fill in the form, sign the order, acknowledge the oder, then collect the specimen. All of these things are on different screens, of course.) All of those stpes have to be done before you can print. Meanwhile, the surgeon is still operating, and wondering why the frozen has not been sent. They want to hear back from histology before the patient wakes up, please. If I have a lot of specimens, I think I would give up and just put it on the old pathology form. Half the time the pathology slips don't print, anyway. Houston, I think there is a problem. I may just give up on putting the pathology order in the computer until they figure out a workaround. I think they may find a lot of OR nurses going back to the old pathology form.

I really enjoyed the IComLeavWe, but I think I did not do very well. I tried to do my five comments and one return, but I did not do all of my comments on new blogs. I think part of it is just where I am right now. I am busy and I do not have hours each day to spend reading blogs. Also, I am getting more selective of the blogs I do read. I do not feel a lot of connection with IVF because we are not doing IVF. I also do not feel like reading blogs of pregnant women, or women with new little ones. I think that narrows down which blogs I can read. There are still a lot of blogs I can read, and I did look at those. But I was lazy and did not explore the blogworld as I should have in keeping with the spirit of the week. I may try it again next month and think of a different strategy for NaCom LeavWe.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Tomorrow is Monday!

I really hate working on the weekend. I like having my weekends off to relax and spend time with the Hubby. It just kills my weekend to work on Saturday. Sunday is usually my day to set up for the week ahead, so I end up doing housework and home management stuff on the one day I have off. I think it is going to make me extra grumpy on Monday.

Yesterday was not too awful at work. The whole day was overtime for me because I had already worked 40 hours that week. That was sort of nice. The one thing which made it a headache was this new computer thing at work. They "went live" yesterday. It was not so very awful for OR because the program is not linked to our OR documentation, but we did have to do some things in the program. (Specimens, report to floor, and chart review.) Sort of annoying because some of the practice exercises did not look like the live program. Also our "superuser" was not very helpful. I hate to think what is going to happen on Monday. I suspect the front desk will be chaos, and we may have printer problems as all of are trying to print out pathology forms at the same time. The worst part of the whole day was that I could not go home and medicate with alcohol because I was on call that night. Sigh. At least I can drink tonight in preparation for Monday. Small comfort, though.

Hubby is sick with a cold today. I really do not feel like doing any nursing today, as I had errands and chores to do today. I get paid to do nursing now anyway. (I have noticed I am lot less sympathetic since I became a nurse.) I also wanted some downtime today just to chill out. I bought him cold medicine and cough drops and orange juice, and I am not asking a lot of him today. He volunteered to vacuum the floors. I think he feels a little bad about not doing a lot to help clean house this week. I am letting him vacuum. I think he sort of likes using the Dyson, anyway, so it is not as awful as it sounds.

I hope everyone has a good Sunday!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Happy Friday

I am so very glad it is Friday! Unfortunately, I have to work tomorrow. Bummer. Really kills the weekend. Hubby is already rubbing it in.

My girlie appointment went well. OB/GYN docs always seem to like to prescribe prenatal vitamins if they hear you are trying to conceive. I know, it is good to start taking them even before you concieve. But come on. We have had a decade off birth control without a hit. I think the RE is perfectly capable of prescribing the prenatal vitamins during a cycle when we actually have a shot at getting pregnant. I sort of feel like an imposter getting the prenatal vitamin prescription filled. I am probably imagining things, but it still bothers me, for some reason.

The other thing the OB/GYN doc mentioned was that I had good ovulatory cervical mucous. That has been noted before by my previous RE, and this OB/GYN appointment fell about mid cycle for me. Unfortunately, Hubby and I could not do the deed until last night. Oh well. I doubt it matters. Unless his sperm morphology has miraculously changed in the past few months, I will expect Flo to visit in a few weeks. She always shows up.

I think Hubby is excited about starting fertility treatments this time. He was talking about it last night. He was wondering when we would have to see the RE again. I told him that the next time it would likely only be me because the RE wanted to do an ultrasound of my uterus. I also told Hubby I would let the RE know about our thoughts on treatment when I saw him next. It is nice that Hubby is thinking about it, though.

Gertrude and I finally made it to an agility class. Most of it she did all right. She did fine on the jumps (they were set really low), she went through the tire without any major issues. Some of it was difficult for her, though. It was really hard for her to go through a tunnel which was shorter than she was. I think I need to teach her to crawl in order for her to get through the tunner. She also did not like walking over the ladder. We are working on both of these things.I have confidence she will get it. (With lots of treats and encouragement!)