Sunday, November 16, 2008

One Infertile's Prayer

Dear G*d, I could use a miracle.

You have gifted me with a good life, a wonderful husband, and caring family and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for. You have done so much for me.

But Hubby and I feel that something is missing.

This cycle I start poking myself with needles so that my husband and I can maybe, just maybe, become parents. I have already let go of the fact that getting me pregnant is not going to happen naturally. OK, maybe I have not completely let it go. It still hurts when I think about it. I understand that it will take more than oral meds to get the job done. I am willing and able to subject myself to all the poking and prodding that I know will happen during this cycle.

I am scared. All I can do is be present. There is nothing I can do to make a pregnancy happen. That really scares me. Using injectable medications is a big step for both Hubby and me, and we both really want it to work.

Part of me is scared it will work. The concept of being pregnant is unreal to me. I have a hard time thinking about it, so I just don't think about pregnancy and being pregnant. I have had a decade to practice this, so I am good at not being pregnant. All I can focus on right now is the next step in conception. I am more comfortable thinking about the cycle not working. I am familiar with those feelings. The depression which comes with the red tide every month, the emptiness you feel in your body every cycle. I had gotten to the point where I knew I was not pregnant, no matter what had happened that month.

Help me believe that this is possible. Help me believe that miracles can happen to me.


annacyclopedia said...

This is so beautiful and sad and true. Thank you so much for writing this - I have prayed many of the same things myself, and felt some of the same fears and sadness. And some of this you've said in a new way that has shed light on things I feel but haven't put words to yet.

I will be keeping you in my prayers and asking for your miracle, too.

~Jess said...

So true *hugs* You wrote this beautifully. I love your last sentence: I think there's a verse somewhere in the bible about I am a believer, but help me to overcome my true.

Queenie. . . said...

That's a really beautiful post.

Mary said...

This is so beautiful.....I also pray for this. We pray not for miracles, but for faith to believe in them.

((hug)) May He bless you in this cycle.

Smiling said...

SO bueatiful and well put... I think many of us are well-practiced at the art of not being pregnant, I hope you get to the adventure of learning to be a parent soon enough. What a wonderful answer to your (and our) prayers for your family.

JamieD said...

This is a beautiful post.

Do you mind if I pray this prayer also?