Sunday, November 30, 2008

Trying to remember to breathe. (Rambling post, sorry.)

Trigger shot went fine last night. I know it is working because I can feel my body waking up. Tits are sensitive, butt hurts where the shot went in, and I am irritable (just to round things out.) IUI is tomorrow morning. Pissed work off that I would be over 2 hours late on Monday. Oh well. This is important stuff. At least to me and Hubby. Sometimes it cannot be helped.

I realized something today as I was sitting in meeting. I am really scared. I am scared that this will work. It is possible. (I think.)

As as I was sitting in meeting, I was reciting the Lord's Prayer in my mind, just to calm down. The one line which stuck out at me was, "Thy will be done." For some reason that did not sit well with me. Maybe it is because I am extra hormonal, but I am tired of dealing with the IF stuff, especially during the Christmas season. His will has not been so great in the fertility department, so it is not something I feel I can let go very easily. Now every time I think about the miracle of Christmas, all I can do is wonder where the hell my miracle is. I used to love Christmas. The magic and mystery of it all. I loved the Christmas decorations and the celebrations. Now I am just bitter about the whole thing. I want to believe in miracles, but it is difficult to believe in them when they never seem to happen to you.

My mind keeps drifting back to the lack of control I have over this whole process. The taoist principle of "do without doing" is rather appropriate in this situation. Unfortunately, I prefer action. Letting things happen sort of goes against the grain. I am really trying, but letting go is one of the hardest things I ever do.

Today is the first Sunday in advent. I found it interesting that I will start off this advent season with period of waiting of my own. I guess tomorrow I start that awful 2ww. I think this 2ww is going to be worse than usual.

Sorry about the rambly post. I needed to get the thoughts out there, and coherent composition is a bit beyond me at the moment.
Still trying to believe in miracles. Thanks for all your well wishes. I will let you know how things go.

BTW- Jess over at Life in the White House is doing a giveaway for the holidays. Go over and take a look. So cute!


Queenie. . . said...

Glad to hear the trigger went fine. I think all of your feelings are perfectly valid (and if they're not, I don't want anyone to tell me otherwise, because I think all of those things EVERY CYCLE). Good luck tomorrow!

Sassy said...

I'm thinking of you and hoping tomorrow is the beginning of something really wonderful for you to celebrate this Christmas.

annacyclopedia said...

Wishing you gentleness with yourself and ease of being in the wait. I can so identify with the difficulty in turning over my will and my illusions of control to the unknown. And also the fear of it working. I'm here, holding your hand and abiding with you through these complicated feelings.