Sunday, May 31, 2009

A day of rest. Finally.

My week from hell is finally over. I did end up getting called in for a couple of hours last night. They thought that they would get a lot lot of traumas all at once. (When the ER starts to clear out the trauma bays, that seems like a reasonable assumption.) Fortunately for me, they never got any of the expected traumas and I got to go home and go back to bed. My schedule this block from here on out is not nearly as bad. All day shifts, and no call. Thank goodness.

The result of my crazy week is that I am really tired today. And my nausea is terrible today because I am tired. I found that it seems to get worse if I do not get enough rest. Fortunately, I do not have to do a lot today. And Hubby is being really nice to me and offered to do some of my chores I needed to get done today. That makes my life a little easier.

I should be able to go to bed early tonight and hopefully get caught up on sleep. It will be nice to get an entire night of uninterrupted sleep. I think I need it.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Week from Hell

I think my schedule is going to kill me. The four day weekend was really nice, but my schedule this week is really rough. Tuesday was busy, as you all know from my last post. Wednesday I had to work 9-9, and I was stuck in a case until 9 PM. Today I was scheduled to work 7-3. And I had a robot case this morning, so I had to be in early for that. By the afternoon I could not see straight. Fortunately, my co-worker pushed to get me off early. I came home and slept for almost 2 hours. Apparently I needed the sleep. I felt good after my nap, though. I have to work a night shift tomorrow, which will likely be rough on me. I only hope that we are not too busy tomorrow night. Keeping fingers crossed, at any rate.

My schedule next week is not as bad, fortunately. No more call, at least. Thank goodness!

It is very weird being so open about being pregnant. But it helps me at work, I think. People will shoo me away from moving patients and doing a lot of heavy lifting. Many of my co-workers also try to make sure that I get breaks so that I can eat something. (Which is very much appreciated!) It is strange getting special treatment. At this point I am rolling my eyes and throwing up my hands. I still feel like I should be able to do everything myself. It also depends on who I am with. Some people let me do more than others. Overall, it has not been too terrible letting people know.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

First ultrasound done!

Our one little bean looks good! We saw the heartbeat, and that was too cool. I think it made it more real for both of us. We actually have a baby in there! We saw it! How amazing!

I now really need to make an appointment with Dr Sweetness. I think the Wizard is going to write a letter to Dr Sweetness, so I hope this means that care is seamless. That is the hope, at any rate. We will see what actually happens.

The Wizard is switching me to progesterone vaginal suppositories, so no more shots! I am happy about that. I just need to go and pick them up tonight. I think it will be worth the trip.

Hubby had quite the day today. He took the day off of work, and not just for the ultrasound. He has a red lump on his back which has been hurting him for a week. I have been putting some neosp.orin on it, but it has really not been doing much. He finally saw a doctor about it today. Turned out, the red lump was a sebaceous cyst. They removed it right there in the doctor's office with a little local. Apparently, it was pretty big, and they had to pack the wound before they dressed it. Poor thing was hurting when I finally saw him at the u/s appointment. He really wanted to make that appointment. I think it was worth it when we saw the heartbeat.

So Hubby has had quite the day!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Biting the Bullet

I realized last night that the girls had gotten large enough that they needed more space. I decided today to buy some bras so that I could work comfortably. People, I went from a C cup to a D cup! I fill the damn D cups. My girls are big enough to give me back issues if I do not get enough support. I did not spend a lot on the bras. All the bras I bought were under $10. And yes, I tried them on. The ones I bought, I did not want to take off because my back felt so much better! I did change into a new bra as soon as I got home. What a difference the right support makes!

I have to say, I think both Hubby and I are a little bit nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow. We both know there is not a lot to see at this point. We should be able to see the sac with a little blob where the little one is. We are not even going to be able to hear a heartbeat yet. I hope it goes well, and we have something cooking in there. I think the ultrasound means that it is real, and we may have to start making plans. Until now, it just sort of feels like we are playing at being pregnant.

There is one piece of good news, my parents are planning on moving here. I think they want to time the move to coincide with the birth. But it is a big jump for them. I think they are still in the planning stages at this point.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Where did they come from?

This is going to be another pregnancy symptoms post. Sorry about that, but there is not really anything going on right now. I am just waiting for my ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon.

I had heard that one of the effects of pregnancy was that your tits would get bigger. I thought that mine surely would not get that big, because I was already a C cup. How much bigger do they need to be? Boy was I wrong! The girls have grown considerably over the past week. And they are sensitive, so I can really feel that they are larger. They are big enough that they can sort of get in my way. Hubby thinks this development is just grand. He will take big tits however he can get them. (Just like a boy.)

Nausea is still in effect, but not to terrible. I think I am managing the nausea all right, so it has not really affected me too badly. I love my ginger ale, though. I am still very tired, which comes with the territory. Hubby still likes me to do all the stuff I used to do, but is beginning to understand that I get really tired, really fast. I prefer being active, but I am trying to listen to my body and slow down when I can.

The four day weekend is really nice. The time off is really wonderful. I spend most of my time just relaxing. And that is fine.
My first ultrasound is on Tuesday with the Apprentice. I cannot believe I am 6 weeks already!

Friday, May 22, 2009


Mel recently had a post on Blogher about announcing pregnancy after infertility. I have thought some about this recently because I have been very open about my IVF, at least with my co-workers. Because of this, a good number of people at work know about the results of my IVF cycle. Which translates to mean that a lot of people know that I am pregnant. On one hand I sort of like it because it means that there are a lot of people looking out for me. (It is especially nice that the charge nurses know. They have a tendency to be nicer to me!) On the other hand, I find it really annoying because it would have been nice to keep it quiet, at least for a little bit. Had I given it some thought, I probably could have kept it quieter by telling people I was still waiting. I probably could have stretched it out to 8-10 weeks before I actually told anyone. But, as many of us know, IVF is stresful. Hearing beta results is stressful, whether they are positive or negative. I do not do my best thinking when I am under stress. Also, I think I was pretty excited to actually be pregnant. I deserved at least a little bit of excitement.

Just to be clear:
I do not know how much my readers know about ORs. But we work very closely together every day. Because we work closely together, we gossip. Well, we can get bored during long procedures, and what else is there to do? There is no escaping it. This means that almost the entire OR knows (at least that is the way that it feels). That is quite a feat for my very large OR.

One thing I find really annoying about having so many people know about the pregnancy is that most people do not seem to understand my reaction to the news, or lack of reaction. I think I come across as more reserved than other people would be. This really confuses some people. Some of my co-workers actually understand, and do not push me too much. They get it because they have had other friends who went through infertility. Others want to make a big deal about it. Those co-workers I just want to smack. It comes across to me like they do not really care about my journey to get there, and simply want to celebrate in the pregnancy. I try to explain that it is a post-IVF pregnancy and that I am sort of freaked out by it, and they just look at me blankly. They have no concept of what I went through to get to this point.

I am not really ready to get excited about this yet. I can feel excitement growing inside me, but it is slow in coming. It it still very unbelievable to me right now. I still have the urge to POAS to verify that I am actually still pregnant, despite the fact that I am falling asleep on the couch every night, and the nausea is just annoying if I do not manage it properly. I also have twinges in my abdomen, my tits are sore, and I am very ditzy and irritable. All proper pregnancy symptoms. And in case you are interested, HPT this morning indicates that I am still pregnant.

I think I have a right to have reservations about the fact that I am pregnant. I know exactly what can happen during the first trimester. I have seen too many women in the community miscarry. I know I have several risk factors for miscarriage. There is a chance I could lose the pregnancy. And if that happens, then all of my co-workers will know. That scares the crap out of me. All I can do it take it one day at a time.

For the most part, though, it has not been too awful having so many people know. They do care, in their own way, and all are happy for me. All are encouraging, despite my vocal misgivings. I just wish I could stop the advice. Too many people want to tell me what to do now that I am pregnant, and how to do it. It has also been strange comparing pregnancy symptoms with other pregnant women. Granted, they are a month or two (or more) ahead of me, but they are a couple of women who understand what it took to get me here, so talk with them has mostly been physical symptoms and dealing with hubbies. Nothing too drastic, and both understand the IF thing. That has actually been sort of nice.

And because I think I need it:
My gratitude for today...
  • I am still pregnant
  • I have today and the entire Memorial Day weekend off, despite the fact I volunteered to work. With no call, either!
  • I think I will get a pedicure this morning. Good to pamper the toes!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Poor hubby!

I think Hubby was a little distressed this evening when he saw how tired I was. I worked 10 hours today, but the day actually was a fairly smooth and relatively uneventful day. The cases went smoothly, and they were spaced out enough that we did not have to rush setting up. And I was working within my chosen specialty! Overall, a really nice day. But I was stillexhausted at the end of the day. Hubby's immediate reaction to the situation was to try to get me to ask for shorter hours. I had to point out to him that I would be just as tired after an 8 hour day. Asking for fewer hours will not help the situation. I think he is just having a hard time adjusting to the changes that are happening to me while pregnant. I think some of them are taking him by surprise.

I got the chance to work with Dr. Sweetness today. I got a chance to update her on how I was doing. She was happy to hear about the nausea, and I think she saw how tired I was. It was great working with her today.

I am spending time on the couch with the dogs watching one of my favorite shows. Dead.liest Catch! I have to watch the episodes a week late because I need to go to bed early. At least I get to watch them.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I think I have the right doc!

Y'all are not going to believe it! My OB/GYN, Dr Sweetness, called me last night! I could not believe it. I left a message for her the day after my beta, letting her know that it came back positive. She actually apologized for not getting back to me sooner! I was not expecting her to call at all, and was just going to make an appointment after my first OB appointment with the Apprentice.

She asked how I was doing, and I let her know the pregnancy symptoms I have been experiencing. Fatigue, achy breasts, and ditziness. She was happy to hear that things are progressing normally. We discussed some of the prenatal testing I would be offered, including the genetic testing (because I am 35.) She also told me that this is the same info that the NP would talk about with me on my first OB visit. (Apparently the first OB visit is usually with the NP.) She is sending me info about the genetic testing and Hubby and I need to decide if we want to do it. Because she already discussed the prenatal testing with me, and I have already had an ultrasound, my first OB appointment does not have to be with the NP, and I can schedule my first OB appointment directly with her. I feel special already.

I am so glad that she is my doc! Dr Sweetness is the best!

Saturday, May 16, 2009


I have had a hard time getting motivated lately. Yesterday evening I collapsed on the couch after I got home from work. Then I went to bed early, like 8:30 PM. I kept dozing off in front of the TV, so I finally just gave it up and went to bed. Today is turning out to be a perfect day to lie on the couch, so that is exactly what I am doing this afternoon. I hope to go out this evening to watch my favorite band at my favorite restaurant, so I need to rest up.

I did get up the energy to run errands this morning. We really needed dog food, and apparently I really needed to buy some HPTs. Success on both counts. I POAS as soon as I got home. (Well, I had to go, anyway!) I was really nervous about doing it. For some reason I was afraid that it would come out negative. But no! Apparently I am still pregnant! And I now know what a positive HPT looks like. I have to give all my lovely commenters credit, though. It is definitely a validation of what I am going through. It makes the pregnancy feel more real, somehow. I also really appreciate all the comments you all have been leaving, they also help me realize that I am normal, after all. Thank you all.

The other reassurance I found is from a doctor's blog. I found Infertility Blog during my wait for beta, and he recently went through and catalogued his posts. He even had a post on there about pregnancy after IF. It was not much, but it was reassuring. Apparently odds are in my favor for this baby being born.

So, I just need to relax and enjoy the ride. My body seems to know what it is doing.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Symptoms are still there!

Fatigue really hit me today. The long hours I have been working do not help. I actually laid down this evening and just closed my eyes for a bit. Hubby was a little surprised. Tits are still large and achy. Just sort of an undertone of nausea, but I think it is still early, yet. I am also slightly crampy, but no bleeding. It is nice to know all of this is normal.

I think I will take everyone's advice and get a HPT this weekend. Really. It will likely lift my spirits a bit. I may buy several just in case I want to repeat the test. I do not care what Hubby thinks!

I think I am going to lie down again. Very tired, and I have another long shift tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

There is something different this time.

The whole IF journey involves a lot of waiting. Waiting for cycles to start. Waiting for testing. Waiting for medications to arrive. Waiting to start medications. Waiting for ovulation and/or trigger. And the inevitable two week wait at the end of every cycle. No one told me about the waiting that happens after a successful cycle. Probably because I stopped thinking about actually being pregnant years ago. It hurt too much to even consider the possibility.

The waiting for the IF treatments and medications was normal for me. I was used to that. I knew what that feels like. I knew what to expect and I think I had gotten pretty good at dealing with it. After a decade of not getting pregnant, I had it down.

This wait is different. Having never been pregnant before, I am not sure if my body is capable of carrying a baby. This part of the journey is totally new to me. And unexpected. I am waiting for changes in my body. I sometimes feel like I am grasping at straws, or everything I am feeling can be attributed to the progesterone injections. Sore breasts, shortness of breath, irritability, fatigue, forgetfulness. And then there is the big one: no period. I hope that the next few weeks bring some changes. As of right now, things are not too bad, but I am about only about four and a half weeks along, so it is still very early. Though last night I had to change my bra because I was really uncomfortable. Note to self: no lacy bras! My tits actually hurt because it felt like the bra was so damn itchy. I also have started to drink ginger ale at lunch to hopefully prevent any nausea. And I just now remembered I forgot to take my pills this morning with my milk. (I just went and took them.) I am way more of a space cadet than usual. It is driving me nuts!

I am still paranoid enough that I check to make sure I am not bleeding, even though I know the progesterone will keep me from getting period. I still look for it. I have even thought about going out and getting a pregnancy test just to see what a positive pregnancy test looks like, and to make sure I am still pregnant. I have never seen a positive test. Not sure if I am missing out or not. I guess the blood test is definitive enough.

I have the day off today, thank goodness. After the day at work I had yesterday, I think I deserve it. I am especially grateful for the day off because I heard there are a lot of cases on today, and staffing was not great. Very happy I am home and not at work! I should get a refill on my progesterone delivered today, so I should be home to receive it. I also have an appointment to get my hair cut (finally!) and get the dogs bathed (at last!). So hubby should come home to clean dogs, and a nicer looking wife. I may roast chicken for dinner. I have a 5 pound organic chicken in my fridge. I think today is the best day to cook it. Then we can eat off of it the rest of the week. Yum!

Hubby is going to try to go with me to the first ultrasound appointment! He kept asking when it is, and I think he finally cleared his calendar for that afternoon. I think it is wonderful that he will be there. I hope it brings more good news.

Until then, the wait continues...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Kicking and Screaming

Let me be clear. I am not celebrating anything today. I am just going to be. All that Mother's Day stuff sort of rubs me the wrong way. Am I any less a wonderful person because I am not a mother? This holiday is overdone and still feels sort of stupid to me. I feel like I am mother to two wonderful Danes. That is sort of being a mother. The whole pregnancy thing is just too new to me, and I it is hard for me to get excited about it, just yet. I am sure I will at some point. Just not yet.

My big plans for the day: go grocery shopping and take our dogs to the dog park. Other than that I am hiding. Maybe I will try to meditate today. I could probably use it because I skipped meeting today. I just knew someone would make a comment about mothers, which would annoy the crap out of me. So I am going to spend the day with Hubby, and try to not do much of anything. Sounds like heaven to me.

Things I can be grateful for:
  • It is a beautiful sunny day.
  • I get to spend the day with Hubby
  • I am pregnant today

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Should be a quiet weekend

Hopefully. I have some time without Hubby this morning as he is at a shooting match. I think he needed some de-stress time.

I did actually manage to make it to the pregnancy section at our local B and N. I could not go directly to that section. I buzzed new releases, then the general health section. (That is where I feel more comfortable.) Then I made my way to the family planning section. Do all pregnancy books have to have a damn belly shot on the cover? That is really intimidating for a pregnant infertile. I did manage to walk out with two books on pregnancy. I bought The Whole Pregnancy Handbook. I liked how it included complementary therapy, and was pretty detailed about what happens during pregnancy. I bought a book for Hubby, as well. I thought it was the perfect book for him. The Caveman's Pregnancy Companion. I just seemed like something he would actually read and enjoy. And he has actually looked at it.

There is a section in the book on what happens week by week. I find I cannot read too far ahead. I really cannot think about what happens after week 8. The pregnancy does not even seem real to me, yet. I also live in fear of miscarriage. I just hope nothing happens, and I make it to a week 8 ultrasound. I may be nervous about that until I actually have the appointment and hear the heartbeat (or heartbeats!) I have not idea if I have one or two. I suspect there is only one in there, but there is no way to know until they take a look.

My fear of miscarriage is not unfounded. I know I have PCOS, which is polycystic ovarian syndrome. The risk of early miscarriage in PCOS patients can be as high as 40%. The medical community is not sure why this is, but according to my google research it may be related to high insulin levels and increased blood clotting resulting in poor perfusion to the uterus. This is why I am on the baby aspirin. I am also continuing the metformin to help my insulin levels. At my last (regular) endocrinologist appointment, I had a glucose tolerance test, which seemed to indicate that the met was controlling the PCOS just fine. Dr Sweetness also said to stay on it. From what I can tell, PCOS patients who are on met have a miscarriage rate similar to the rest of the population, about 12%. The jury is still out because there is not alot of research done on the subject. I also have luteal phase support with the PIO injections. Apparently women with PCOS also ovulate late, and can have poor egg quality, which leads to early miscarriage. There is some evidence this can also be helped with fertility meds, and the metformin certainly does not hurt.

Knowing all of this, I think I may very well be nervous until I am out of the first trimester. I think I have good reason to be. But, I do have something to be grateful for: Today I am pregnant.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Thank Goodness It's Friday!

I am so glad it is the end of the week! I just have to work an evening shift this weekend and then Hubby and I get to spend the weekend together. I have put off my parents for at least a week. Between schedules and not really wanting to go anywhere, this weekend is not that great to meet with them. Both Hubby and I are fried, and I think both of us could use the weekend to just be with each other. I do not think I am quite ready to celebrate THAT holiday just yet. I think we may hide on Sunday.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was that OMG I am pregnant. Today I am pregnant. I am pregnant today. (s.e. at Riding the Roller Coaster would say that as her gratitude every day early on, right after her beta. I loved it, so I hope she does not mind me stealing it.) It is still hard for me to get my mind around. It is hard for me to even think it. I may actually go out and buy some books on pregnancy today. It feels so weird. I just have to remember that it is all right for me to be in the pregnancy and maternal health section now. I am pregnant. I really wish they had a book for women who are pregnant after IF. You just end up unprepared, and there are no real resources out there. I think even our reaction to the news that we are pregnant is different from our fertile friends.

I plan on calling Dr Sweetness today. Dr Sweetness is my OB, for those of you who do not know. When I went in for my pre-conception counseling appointment earlier this week, she mentioned she wanted to know the results of the beta. (Don't laugh, I made than damn appointment a over a month ago, before I knew anything.) I do not know if she will do anything prior to my first OB appointment with the Apprentice at the end of May. We will see. Likely not. Between the PIO injections, and the baby aspirin, I hope my chance of miscarrying is low. I also continuing my metformin. I think I am going to be on the met for the bulk of the pregnancy. That is fine with me. Whatever will give me a health baby at the end.

FYI, the first OB appointment is with the Apprentice because the Wizard wants to know how things are looking before formally releasing me to OB service. I am not just trying to keep all MDs happy. Likely I will make sure that Dr Sweetness gets the info from that appointment, too.

I dearly miss my wine, though. Not to worry, I do not have any wine in the house right now. Probably a good thing. I told Hubby last night that I could use a drink. At least to numb me up just a little bit to deal with this news. Sigh.

Still feels a little unreal right now.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The result is...

Beta is 125. Apparently I am pregnant. My progesterone and estrogen looked really good. I have a hard time saying it, and thinking it. I am pregnant. It does not seem real.

This is really hard for me to get my mind around. I do not have to do a repeat beta, I just have to go in at the end of May for my first ob ultrasound. I still have to take progesterone injections until first ultrasound. I also have to keep up my baby aspirin. I figure my OB can take me off of it when she is ready. OMG, I actually have to work with an OB! Regular appointments and all of that. I never thought I would be doing that.

I almost ran poor Hubby off the road when I told him. I did not realize he was driving. After I told him, he said he had to pull over. I understood.

I will post more about this when I actually have a coherent reaction to this news. Right now, it is just shock.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Just put me out of my misery...

I do not think I can take much more of this. Honestly, I feel like the only symptoms I have are from the progesterone. Mainly hot flashes. The nausea has decreased dramatically, though I am still bloated and irritable. (Here is a tip: Don't piss me off right now. It ain't pretty.) I have a hunch that once I stop the progesterone, all my symptoms will disappear. I had the thought today that all will be better once my period shows up. I feel like I just need to stop the progesterone, so that I can have my period and move on to the next thing. (Yes, I will do tonight's progesterone shot. Not to worry!)

Fortunately, I do not have a lot of this torture time left. I get my blood drawn tomorrow morning before work, and I may get a message on my phone by lunch. I did manage to switch my schedule around so that I only have to work 8 hours tomorrow, instead of 12. I do not know what I would have done if I had to work that long shift. A wonderful co-worker took my shift for me. I adore her. (And not just for taking my shift, I actually like to work with her.)

I hope it is a good result. There is definitely part of me that is hoping for a good outcome. That being said, it is difficult for me to imagine a positive. I just cannot do it. Everything up to now has been negative. All of the IUIs we tried, both with fresh semen, and frozen semen, clomid and injectables. All turned out negative. Why should this be any different? It will feel like yet another rejection in a long line of similar rejections. Because the one constant is that I always get my period. I am sure this cycle will be no different. Once I stop the progesterone, nature will take its course, and the red tide will arrive. Just like every month.

The Wizard had a lot of good things to say about this cycle, but it all comes down to the past nine days, and how my body responds. One thing which IF takes away from you is trust in what your body is telling you, and trust that your body can do this one thing you really want it to do. It is hard for me to have faith in my own body's reproductive abilities. Just wanting it to happen does not make it so. Many of us know this all too well.

IF can make you feel broken, and the only way to feel whole is to have a child, somehow, someway.

Tomorrow I will know if I move on to FET, or if this cycle actually took. Just put me out of my misery.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I think I am surrounded and other random musings

It is torture being surrounded by fertiles. My wait at the OB/gyn's office was really long, and I was surrounded by bellies, babies, and children. Most of the bellies had children hanging off of them, so I guessed that they were not IF'ers. As you can imagine, it was torture. I was really stressed out by the time she finally got to me. I did not mind waiting for her. Dr. Sweetness is a slow and methodical sort of doc. Just the type of doc I love. We talked a bit about my history and how I got to where I am now. She has also been through IVF herself, so she knows exactly what I am going through. She did give me some OTC vitamin options in line with the most recent recommendations. I just may try it.

For some reason, I forgot how fertile a month May is. I seem to be surrounded by growing things. The trees are green and Hubby’s garden plants are growing really well. Hell, we even celebrate mothers during this month! I just hope that some of this fertile-ness extends to me. Hopefully this cycle will be a success. All I can do is cross my fingers and pray. It is so frustrating. I want to DO something. The stim phase of IVF was easy for me to handle. I was doing something. I was actively participating. I kept getting good reports back from the doctor, which made me feel really good about what I was doing. This post-transfer phase is hard for me to deal with. I am almost ready to climb the walls. There is nothing I can do to help this go better, or make it a success. It is all up to our two little blasts. I hope they find a happy home in my uterus. I would love for them to stick around. I have a lot of love to give, and only hubby and my dogs to give it to right now.

I want to be fertile, too. I want this so badly, I think I can taste it. I realized today that I have never conceived a child. I have no idea if I am able to carry a pregnancy. That was sort of a painful realization. I have all the right parts, and the docs all seem to think I should be able to carry a pregnancy. But I do not know. I have not seen it, and this makes it harder for me to believe that it can happen. I have over a decade of experience of NOT getting pregnant. That makes it difficult for me to believe that pregnancy is possible for me.

IF really does change how you look at things. In order to protect your heart, you have to hide from so much in life. I have a difficult time being around pregnant women. I cannot celebrate them because I am so freaking jealous, I cannot see straight. I stay away from baby showers, from baptisms, and try to skip mother’s day stuff altogether. Because it hurts. It is a reminder of what you do not have, and what I may never have. It is a step that I do not know if I will get to take. For most people, pregnancy is easy, and often taken for granted. For those if us who are infertile, it takes a lot of work to even get a shot at it. It does not seem fair. So in order to protect my heart, I avoid pregnancy-related stuff for the time being.

I have a hunch that even if this cycle is a success, I may not feel comfortable celebrating mother’s day. (That being said, I reserve the right to change my mind at a later date.) I have a hunch that a pregnancy would freak me out a little. It is uncharted territory for me. I feel like my attitude about a pregnancy will be different than others because of my IF experiences. I just hope that whenever it does happen, I will not take for granted.

In cycle news: My beta is Thursday. That will likely determine how I spend my weekend. If good, I may celebrate a little. If bad, then I will likely drown my sorrows. (I think I can almost taste that glass/bottle of wine, should the result be negative!) If the result is negative, I may even hide all weekend and lick wounds.
I know I have posted about this before, several times, but I am more familiar with the negative result than I am with the positive result. I think that is why I am already preparing for a drinking extravaganza this weekend. I may even run by the wine shop on my way home on Friday. The one thing which sucks is that I have to deal with the initial call while at work. I am scheduled to work a 12 hour shift on Thursday, which means that I may get the exiting experience of breaking down while on the job. Maybe they would let me go home early. (Just a thought, but not likely.)

Progesterone symptoms do not seem so bad today, for some reason. I have fewer hot flashes today. Nausea is not nearly as bad this afternoon, and I think I am starting to feel more normal. And not half as many twinges today. Amazing. Have no clue if this is good or bad. I work a 12 hour shift tomorrow, so at least I will be distracted. I am trying to prepare myself for a negative result. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Also trying not to climb walls. Wish me luck.

The waiting continues...

About all I can do is wait. I is one of the most frustrating things I have experienced. I have noticed that my body is responding to the progresterone. Not only hot flashes, but I have also started to get a little bit of nausea in the afternoons. I also have twinges, very similar to menstrual cramping. I get short of breath fairly easily, and wear out quickly, especially in the afternoons. Oh yeah, and I am a little bloated to boot. I suspect some of these symptoms are OHSS symptoms, but my pain is not much more than 2/10, my bloating is not much more than regular mentrual bloating, and I still pee. I have been trying to drink a lot of water, and not do anything strenuous. I wonder if I will get a call from the Wizard's nurse today to see how I am doing. Hmm...

I have a doctor's appointment today. I have wanted to switch OB/gyn docs for a while, but never did anything about it. I finally got around to making the appointment. It is sort of funny, though. I made the appointment for pre-conception counseling. The main reason I wanted to make an appointment with her was just to get on her patient list. It may not be a bad thing. At least she will be familiar with my infertility saga when I do finally show up pregnant. I also adore her. I work with her in the OR from time to time, and she is just wonderful. Very smart, and very dedicated to her patients. I was very excited when she started doing OB again. It must be fate.

My other goals for the day: grocery shop, de-clutter, and clean bathrooms. I think that is not so outrageous. I should be able to do all of those things.

This sort of shows where I am at right now...

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

I hope everyone has a happy Monday!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


It a raining outside, and I took that as a sign that I was not supposed to leave the house today. Though, Hubby and I did go out for breakfast. I wanted to go to Waff.le House because I figured there would likely be fewer families there. Hubby and I really like Waff.le House. Sometimes that is just what you are in the mood for. It was a pleasant breakfast, with no children in sight. Just perfect. The hot flash in the middle of breakfast was just added entertainment.

Hubby mentioned that he was nervous about the result of this cycle. He says he has not been sleeping well because he has been worried about it. I can understand that. I was the one who had all the poking and prodding, so I know how much work this was. I am nervous, too. The frustrating thing is that there are no clues telling us if the cycle worked, and there is nothing we can do to ensure success. It leaves us both a little frustrated. We will know nothing until Thursday. At least it is only four days away now. (Not that I am counting.) I have already started thinking about FET, though. Still not convinced this is the one. I guess there is always hope, but that has its own set of problems.

I think it is easier for my heart to think about things negatively. I will believe it when I see it. I have been let down too many times, and the stakes are much higher this time around. I talk about this some with my co-workers, and they just do not understand why I am not excited about this. It is because I know too well that IVF is not a garaunteed solution. There is a very good possibility this may not work, and this wait is what it all hinges on. At this point, it is a roll of the dice. Maybe we got lucky, and maybe we did not. It all depends on whether our little blasts decide that my uterus makes a nice home. I hope that they do, but I am not counting on it.

I remain cautiously optimistic. That seems to be the only way for me to get though this.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

First Day Back

Actually went pretty well. I worked with a scrub tech who fussed at me if I tried to pick up anything heavy. I ended up circulating all day, which is the physically easier task. I only did two cases, but they were doozies. The first case was a hernia repair on a very large man. My scrub tech insisted I get moving help when we needed to move the patient, and made sure I did not help to move the patient at all. That case actually went well, and relatively smoothly. It was a good surgeon, and a relatively simple case. We got a break in between cases, which I really needed. (The progesterone is really wiping me out.)

The next case was an exploratory laparotomy with our trauma surgeon, and those are usually crazy cases. They do not know what they need until they get inside. In this case, we had the added bonus of a gyn surgeon who needed to repair some pelvic mesh. (The gyn surgeon was actually pretty happy to see me because I actually have a clue about the gyn stuff.) The circulator was running the entire time. Fortunately, I had a second person to help me circulate, so I pretty much did the chart, and let the other person do the running. Worked for me.

Got home and just collapsed. Sad because it was only an 8 hour day. I was pretty darn tired. Hubby made me shepherd's pie for dinner, which is in the oven cooking right now, It smells really good, and I think I am almost ready for dinner. I hope it is ready soon!

Friday, May 1, 2009

A Nice Morning Ruined (Sort of)

I really hate it when I read my work schedule wrong. I thought all I had to do was report to a class this afternoon. I was looking forward to a relaxing morning easing back into the work mindset. But I was apparently supposed to be at work this morning. They called me to let me know this info. On the bright side, they did not need me to come in, so I guess that is good. Now I feel awful for getting my schedule incorrect.

Oh yeah, and the hot flashes are not making my life any better. I break out in sweat, and then cool off, only to break out in a sweat again a few minutes later. It is worse with activity. I hope this is a good thing.

The Coffee problem

I never thought I would be dealing with this issue so early.

Here is the deal:
I am a nurse who has to be at work before 7 AM, usually. My coffee intake is usually 2 cups prior to leaving work. That is all the caffiene I drink all day. No sodas, or anything else. It had me awake enough to start the day. Since I started the PIO injections, the second cup of coffee just does not appeal to me. Lately I have only been drinking one cup in the morning. This has been all right, for the most part, because I have been able to sleep in since I have started the PIO. (Thank goodness for vacation and sick days!) But I have to work on Saturday. I know I am going to be tired, and likely irritable.

The Wizard wants me to cut back on caffeine, chocolate, and wine. Sigh. So I have been trying. The chocolate and wine I find fairly easy, for the most part. But I find it is taking a while to accustom myself to only one cup of coffee in the morning. I am really dragging and sleepy. Not to mention the headache. I am trying a cup of tens.ion tamer tea this morning. I may report back and let you know how it worked.

Anyone have any other suggestions about what I can replace my second cup of coffee with to wake me up? As you can see, I am not averse to drinking tea. I am just not sure what types are appropriate.