Monday, May 4, 2009

I think I am surrounded and other random musings

It is torture being surrounded by fertiles. My wait at the OB/gyn's office was really long, and I was surrounded by bellies, babies, and children. Most of the bellies had children hanging off of them, so I guessed that they were not IF'ers. As you can imagine, it was torture. I was really stressed out by the time she finally got to me. I did not mind waiting for her. Dr. Sweetness is a slow and methodical sort of doc. Just the type of doc I love. We talked a bit about my history and how I got to where I am now. She has also been through IVF herself, so she knows exactly what I am going through. She did give me some OTC vitamin options in line with the most recent recommendations. I just may try it.

For some reason, I forgot how fertile a month May is. I seem to be surrounded by growing things. The trees are green and Hubby’s garden plants are growing really well. Hell, we even celebrate mothers during this month! I just hope that some of this fertile-ness extends to me. Hopefully this cycle will be a success. All I can do is cross my fingers and pray. It is so frustrating. I want to DO something. The stim phase of IVF was easy for me to handle. I was doing something. I was actively participating. I kept getting good reports back from the doctor, which made me feel really good about what I was doing. This post-transfer phase is hard for me to deal with. I am almost ready to climb the walls. There is nothing I can do to help this go better, or make it a success. It is all up to our two little blasts. I hope they find a happy home in my uterus. I would love for them to stick around. I have a lot of love to give, and only hubby and my dogs to give it to right now.

I want to be fertile, too. I want this so badly, I think I can taste it. I realized today that I have never conceived a child. I have no idea if I am able to carry a pregnancy. That was sort of a painful realization. I have all the right parts, and the docs all seem to think I should be able to carry a pregnancy. But I do not know. I have not seen it, and this makes it harder for me to believe that it can happen. I have over a decade of experience of NOT getting pregnant. That makes it difficult for me to believe that pregnancy is possible for me.

IF really does change how you look at things. In order to protect your heart, you have to hide from so much in life. I have a difficult time being around pregnant women. I cannot celebrate them because I am so freaking jealous, I cannot see straight. I stay away from baby showers, from baptisms, and try to skip mother’s day stuff altogether. Because it hurts. It is a reminder of what you do not have, and what I may never have. It is a step that I do not know if I will get to take. For most people, pregnancy is easy, and often taken for granted. For those if us who are infertile, it takes a lot of work to even get a shot at it. It does not seem fair. So in order to protect my heart, I avoid pregnancy-related stuff for the time being.

I have a hunch that even if this cycle is a success, I may not feel comfortable celebrating mother’s day. (That being said, I reserve the right to change my mind at a later date.) I have a hunch that a pregnancy would freak me out a little. It is uncharted territory for me. I feel like my attitude about a pregnancy will be different than others because of my IF experiences. I just hope that whenever it does happen, I will not take for granted.

In cycle news: My beta is Thursday. That will likely determine how I spend my weekend. If good, I may celebrate a little. If bad, then I will likely drown my sorrows. (I think I can almost taste that glass/bottle of wine, should the result be negative!) If the result is negative, I may even hide all weekend and lick wounds.
I know I have posted about this before, several times, but I am more familiar with the negative result than I am with the positive result. I think that is why I am already preparing for a drinking extravaganza this weekend. I may even run by the wine shop on my way home on Friday. The one thing which sucks is that I have to deal with the initial call while at work. I am scheduled to work a 12 hour shift on Thursday, which means that I may get the exiting experience of breaking down while on the job. Maybe they would let me go home early. (Just a thought, but not likely.)

Progesterone symptoms do not seem so bad today, for some reason. I have fewer hot flashes today. Nausea is not nearly as bad this afternoon, and I think I am starting to feel more normal. And not half as many twinges today. Amazing. Have no clue if this is good or bad. I work a 12 hour shift tomorrow, so at least I will be distracted. I am trying to prepare myself for a negative result. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Also trying not to climb walls. Wish me luck.


Infertility is Hard said...

My thoughts are with you as you are going through this period of waiting. I hope to hear good news later this week. :-D

just me said...

I am praying for good news for you.

andrea said...

thursday already?!
i am hoping for good news!!

Mai said...

I know where you are coming from..being surrounded my fertiles..makes my skin kind of crawl..and I have trouble being happy for pregnant woman because of the jealousy factor...That being said I am hoping with my whole heart that Thursday brings good news!!

Mrs. Higrens said...

I think OB offices should have separate waiting rooms. Just saying.

Passive participation is hard. Hang in there.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm thinking of you and totally relate! I remember thinking that there was no way it would be positive because I had never seen a positive before. We had a wedding to go to that weekend and I was convinced I would be drinking away my sorrows there. It is a coping mechanism!

I can't wait to hear your results and I'll be rubbing my little fertility goddess for you!

annacyclopedia said...

Holding so much hope for you, and abiding with you as you wait for Thursday.

~Jess said...

Hang in there sweetie: I'm saying lots of prayers for good news this week.

Dealing with IF I seriously think that mother's day is a crock-a-shit. I think I'll hate going to the OBs office and seeing bellys on fertiles for the rest of my life. *hugs*