Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Experience Breeds Pessimism

In grand rounds this morning I heard the above statement. (We do grand rounds in lieu of one of our weekly nursing in-services.) The above statement was said in reference to medical education, but it struck a chord with me, at least in relation to my infertility journey.

"Experience breeds pessimism."

I have been dealing with infertility for about a decade. Believe it or not, I started out fairly optimistic. I did my BBT religiously, and went to my GYN to discuss infertility. (Where I got diagnosed with PCOS.) Every cycle was another chance. I used to think, 'Maybe it will happen this cycle.' I did not do anything with IF until I started seeing an RE a several years after my PCOS diagnosis. The RE tried me on Clomid. I was fairly optimistic with Clomid, at first. Until we got the male factor diagnosis. Then I was fairly sure that only IVF or donor insemination were our only choices for a child. Two IUIs later, I am still fairly sure that this is true. Though I have a hunch that I will probably be outwardly pessimistic about my cycles with IVF.

The more experience I had with IF, the more pessimistic I got about our chances of pregnancy. Now I think I will believe it when I see it. The idea of me being pregnant is completely unbelievable to me. People would ask me if I am excited about what I was doing. Honestly, I am not that excited. It is a lot of poking a prodding for a slight chance at a payoff. The chance is fairly small in my current situation. The chance of success for me is not even 70% with IVF, when you get right down to it. IVF is considerably less, around 15%. Honestly, it does not seem worth it to get excited and hopeful. I will get excited and hopeful when I get a good beta at the end of my IVF cycle. If I ever achieve a pregnancy, then I will get excited and hopeful. But not until then, so quit asking. I have been here too many times.

The other thing people have been asking me about is my opinion about is the octuplets. Most of the people who ask me about me probably already know what I am going to say, and I probably am fairly predictable. I just really pisses me off that she was allowed to do that. She had to have lied about her history, or the doc was irresponsible, or something, but there is definitely something wrong in that situation. I just pisses me off that women like her are the face of infertility medicine. Most of the women pursuing IF treatment are wanting even one child. I think the majority of us would not transfer as many embyos as that idiot did. I do not think our docs would allow it. Stirrup Queens has a wonderful post about the octuplets. I think she says it all, and she says it so well.

By the way, in case you are interested, my period is officially here today. Cramps, irritability, full flow, the works. I think I have taken another step into pessimism.


'Murgdan' said...


I find that I am just naturally pessimistic. Or am I just realistic? Because there is a difference I'm sure. I just know that reality is not all sunshine and roses is all.

~Jess said...

I'm sorry AF came. The further along I get down this road, the more I agree that I'm becoming more and more pessimistic. Like you, the idea of me pregnant is laughable...*hugs*

Mrs. Higrens said...

In this journey I have yet to see the power of positive thinking at work. It's so much easier to not believe things will go well than to believe and have your heart stomped on over and over.

Ann said...

Awesome post. I can relate so very much to all you are saying. *hugs* Sorry about AF.

As for the Octs in CA... it breaks my heart to hear stories like that. I look at each of those little ones and just pray that they have good coming into their lives. I can't believe a doctor would even consider letting her go down that road. Frustrating.