Tuesday, May 12, 2009

There is something different this time.

The whole IF journey involves a lot of waiting. Waiting for cycles to start. Waiting for testing. Waiting for medications to arrive. Waiting to start medications. Waiting for ovulation and/or trigger. And the inevitable two week wait at the end of every cycle. No one told me about the waiting that happens after a successful cycle. Probably because I stopped thinking about actually being pregnant years ago. It hurt too much to even consider the possibility.

The waiting for the IF treatments and medications was normal for me. I was used to that. I knew what that feels like. I knew what to expect and I think I had gotten pretty good at dealing with it. After a decade of not getting pregnant, I had it down.

This wait is different. Having never been pregnant before, I am not sure if my body is capable of carrying a baby. This part of the journey is totally new to me. And unexpected. I am waiting for changes in my body. I sometimes feel like I am grasping at straws, or everything I am feeling can be attributed to the progesterone injections. Sore breasts, shortness of breath, irritability, fatigue, forgetfulness. And then there is the big one: no period. I hope that the next few weeks bring some changes. As of right now, things are not too bad, but I am about only about four and a half weeks along, so it is still very early. Though last night I had to change my bra because I was really uncomfortable. Note to self: no lacy bras! My tits actually hurt because it felt like the bra was so damn itchy. I also have started to drink ginger ale at lunch to hopefully prevent any nausea. And I just now remembered I forgot to take my pills this morning with my milk. (I just went and took them.) I am way more of a space cadet than usual. It is driving me nuts!

I am still paranoid enough that I check to make sure I am not bleeding, even though I know the progesterone will keep me from getting period. I still look for it. I have even thought about going out and getting a pregnancy test just to see what a positive pregnancy test looks like, and to make sure I am still pregnant. I have never seen a positive test. Not sure if I am missing out or not. I guess the blood test is definitive enough.

I have the day off today, thank goodness. After the day at work I had yesterday, I think I deserve it. I am especially grateful for the day off because I heard there are a lot of cases on today, and staffing was not great. Very happy I am home and not at work! I should get a refill on my progesterone delivered today, so I should be home to receive it. I also have an appointment to get my hair cut (finally!) and get the dogs bathed (at last!). So hubby should come home to clean dogs, and a nicer looking wife. I may roast chicken for dinner. I have a 5 pound organic chicken in my fridge. I think today is the best day to cook it. Then we can eat off of it the rest of the week. Yum!

Hubby is going to try to go with me to the first ultrasound appointment! He kept asking when it is, and I think he finally cleared his calendar for that afternoon. I think it is wonderful that he will be there. I hope it brings more good news.

Until then, the wait continues...


Duck said...

THanks for nominating me!!

I can imagine that the waiting is hard, I know that we found it hard, lots of waiting, and the waiting before the first u/s is really hard.

~Jess said...

The two weeks in between is horrible! I hated waiting. I say go get an HPT just to see that line/word: I did :-) You totally deserve having that validation that everyone else gets.

Enjoy your day off.

Queenie. . . said...

I would totally POAS! It's fun to see the lines!

I agree this wait is totally different, too. It's weird. Good luck to you. Do you have a date on your u/s yet?

Infertility is Hard said...

The waiting must be so hard. Try to enjoy this as much as possible. This is what you've been working so hard for.

Thinking of you, and hoping the first ultrasound is extremely uneventful. :-D

Becky said...

Go to the dollar tree and buy their $1 HPT it will make you smile when it comes back positive!!

I know it's hard right now, but once your further along then the count down starts for the 2nd trimester, then the 20 week scan (for gender), then the 3rd trim, then the arrival of your new baby. The whole pregnancy is one big wait.

You'll feel better after the ultrasound. Just enjoy your day off and keep rubbing your stomach, it always makes me feel better!

annacyclopedia said...

I second everyone who said you should POAS. I did the digital one after some cheapies and frankly it was kind of a waste of money. It was nice to see the word but after a couple weeks the battery died so I just threw it out! But seeing 2 lines is definitely awesome - as much as a symbol of being "normal" as anything else!

I totally get what you're saying with the waiting. It is hard, and all the more so cause it's unexpected and totally new territory. But you are having symptoms - the space cadet thing is definitely one of them, just not talked about as much. I have suddenly lost my ability to back the car into the garage. And also the itchy boobs - I've actually been trying to figure out genteel ways to scratch my boobs in public cause sometimes it's more than I can handle. I hope you get just enough symptoms to reassure you and not so many that they start to really disturb your life. But I think for me stuff really started to kick in around 6 weeks - before that it was just very faint.

All that to say that you are not alone and are very much normal. Hang in there - it does get better.

Serendipity said...

I would so POAS if I was you (in fact I am, at least twice a day every day until my scan - but I am totally neurotic) it is fun to see the two lines / + / pregnant.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Then you will wait and wait for the next 35 weeks to be over and before you know it you'll be thinking that it all went so fast.

I totally think you should get a pregnancy test and take a picture for the baby book!