Saturday, December 20, 2008

Thoughts and Reflectioins

Hubby and I had our date night tonight. We both realized that we are just not that excited about Christmas this year. Yeah, we put up a wreath and tree, but that is about the extent of it. I think it is a little sad because I used to get so excited about Christmas. I loved the anticipation and what I saw as the magic of Christmas. Now, after years of IF, the magic is gone, and there is nothing to wait for. Christmas just seems sort of pointless.

I had to work in a pediatric room on Friday. for 12 hours. I think my brain fried. Most of pediatric OR is working on babies, repairing various birth defects. Babies are really difficult for me right now, for obvious reasons. Honestly, I have no friggin' clue about babies. Certain things about pediatric OR I know, like keeping the room really warm. But dealing with the babies themselves as they go to sleep, and dealing with the parents makes me a basket case. I hate peds OR, and I was dead when I finally got home on Friday. Unfortunately, I was on call 11p-7a that night. Of course, I got called in. When I left at 7PM, all hell had broken loose. From the number and types of cases, I figured that I would end up coming back in. Fortunately, there were no peds cases that night. But I was so fried, I could barely function. Working 20 out of 24 hours is not a good thing. The night shift girls were gentle with me, which was a good thing. Thank goodness I have the weekend off. I also have a nice long break coming up over Christmas, so I can recover from the stress at work.

Hubby has been feeling down lately. I think the IF stuff is finally catching up to him. We had one cycle of IUI with trigger, which was unsuccessful. I think that got him down. I think he is beginning to realize that his best chances of getting me pregnant are with IUI with donor sperm, or IVF with ICSI. He is just not that into Christmas this year, and he says he is having feelings of worthlessness. I can understand completely where he is coming from, because I have been there. I wish I could help him, but I can only empathize. Honestly, I do not think that helps him very much. If something is making him feel bad, he just wants to retreat from it. He is thinking more seriously about IVF with ICSI. I told him that I would leave the choice up to him. He is still thinking, but we may end up doing IVF with ICSI if the next round of IUI with trigger does not work. I told him if we do IVF, I would like him to get evaluated by a regular endocrinologist, just to be sure there are no metabolic issues which could affect fertility. I suspect he has metabolic syndrome, which is sort of the generic/male version of PCOS. It could affect his fertility, too. (Why not, PCOS affects female fertility? Where are the studies on metabolic syndrome and fertility? I want to know.) I have a wonderful endocrinologist, and I want Hubby to make an appointment with him. Hopefully, it will not take more than a few months to get in to see my regular endocrinologist.

Christmas shopping is done, and all I have to do is wrap the few gifts that I have bought. We are having lunch with my parents Christmas Eve day, and then off to celebrate a redneck Christmas with Hubby's family is Gloucester. My sister wanted to see pictures of a redneck Christmas, so I may try to take my camera with me. We are staying at a hotel with high speed internet, so I may try to keep up with my lovely internets while I am gone. I am a little disappointed that we will not be able to take the dogs. Apparently there is worry about damage to a miniature dachshund. Sigh. No one has any appreciation for the big dogs anymore.


Anonymous said...

HUGS to you and hubby.

E and I are feeling the same about the magic being gone this Christmas. Even buying a gift for his 'niece' was emotionally taxing.

andrea said...

**big hug**