Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Oh the joys of Christmas.

I have been meaning to do a post on my thoughts on Christmas.  It is different for us this year.  There is more a sense of anticipation and excitement.  We have our child involved with Christmas this year.

Two or three years ago, I hid from Christmas.  The Christmas story was painful to hear, not joyous.  I felt resentful and not a little bit bitter.  When I think about it, it all comes back to me.  Everyone is talking about the "Christmas miracle" and I am wondering where the hell is my miracle!  When is it my turn?  It did not help that the story focused on a baby.  The very thing I lusted after.  Yearned for.  Christmas made me feel empty and I felt shoved to the side.  I stopped going to church over the Christmas season to avoid getting hurt.  I hated having people see me cry.  I had nothing to wait for.  No miracle at my home.

The only thing I kept during all of the years I avoided church was the pagan tradition of the Christmas tree.  For some reason I could not let that go.  Sure it hurt that there was no potential for ornaments from our children, but we could make the tree whatever we wanted.  In the year or two before  got pregnant, I had pretty much given up hope that we would have a child, and I was trying to reconcile myself to a child-free life.  At that point, I thought we could decorate the tree with ornaments bought on our vacations.  So I started buying ornaments from the vacations we took.  We have a saguaro from Arizona a couple of years ago, an oyster shell Santa from the beach last year.  I think it helped that I could make the tree whatever we wanted.

Last year, I was pregnant during Christmas, and pretty much on rest.  Yeah, it was a miserable way to spend Christmas, but at least we did not have to travel.  I found I could connect with the advent story, as I was waiting for my miracle to arrive.  And I truly feel he was a miracle, from start to finish.  It was strange, though.  Christmas felt bigger to me last year.  Likely because I was tapping into the anticipation of advent.  I was used to being pregnant, but had no idea how to be a mother to an infant.  I was ready to meet my son, but scared out of my mind.  Not to mention, I felt like crap from the pregnancy.  I hate to say that it was probably a crappy Christmas for Hubby.  I hope I make up for it this year.

This year we are having a very low key Christmas.  We are not traveling, and it will just be Hubby, Little Dude, the dogs, and me.  Oh, and no Santa visit.  (Who needs to see a crying baby in Santa's lap?)  I think that is really best for a baby's first Christmas.  For Hubby and I there is a sense of anticipation which was not there last year.  We are introducing baby to Christmas for the first time this year.  I think that is pretty exciting.  Both of us love Christmas, and we are looking forward to sharing that excitement with our son.  Not sure how much of it he understands right now, but we are enjoying it.

Christmas for us has changed for us the past couple of years, and I suspect it will change again as Little Dude grows up and begins to understand more about what is happening around him.  But it is a nice change to not dread a favorite holiday anymore.  We have something to look forward to this Christmas:  watching our son open presents and play with his new toys.  We have the gift of life to celebrate.  We can also celebrate surviving almost an entire year of being parents.  I think that is a big accomplishment!


Hope in Virginia said...

Sounds like you have a full blown case of Christmas joy! And rightfully so as you hug your little miracle that you waited so long for. Merry Christmas!!! We are heading down to your neck of the woods tomorrow. I hear there is supposed to be snow on the way!

~Jess said...

YAY! I thinking that being pregnant at Christmas has to be one of the most amazing you said, waiting for your own child as Mary was waiting for her's.

So glad you are reveling in Christmas this year :-) Enjoy it! Merry Christmas!