Thoughts on my weekend.

My grandfather's death hit my family really hard. I wrote this one morning while at my grandmother's house.

Ah, what grief can do to people.

My grandmother is lost without my grandfather, but she is hanging on. She will break down and cry, but only when she is with family. She is keeping up with responsibilities. She is also making sure that everyone is dressed appropriately for the funeral and memorial service. I think she will get through this, though it is hard for her to see that right now.

My aunt is running herself into the ground getting the memorial service together. Most of the family suspects she is headed toward pneumonia, but you cannot tell her that without her getting upset. Not only is she grieving, but she is also on high does of prednisone. Can we say immune system compromise? She says has too much to do to stop, though. I suspect she will collapse at some point this week. Hopefully she will not be too sick to make the memorial service she worked so hard to put together.

My mother is actually doing fairly well. She was here for the death. She thought it was a wonderful death. It was healing for her in some ways. My mother is mainly here to sit with Grandmother, and do some hand holding. Obviously, my aunt is not great at that, and my grandmother could use some hand holding right now. I think it is a good thing that my mother is here. Her problem is that she cannot see. She has cataracts and retinal issues with both eyes, and decided to put off the surgeries until after the memorial service. My mother always said that whatever is going on with your body is going on with you. I think there is something to that. Not sure what in this case…

Yeah, my family is quite the group in stressful situations.

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Since I wrote that, my aunt spoke with a friend of the family who was involved with hospice for a while, and understands gried. Hopefully it will encourage her to take care of herself. Both my mother and myself encouraged my grandmother to be gentle with herself. We encouraged her to spend as much time in her pajamas as possible. I hope that she does. I think she needs time to process her grief.

We never did find a dress for me to wear to the funeral I think my grandmother wants us in all black. Apparently, back dresses for bigger girls are hard to find. (And apparently bigger pregnant girls in NoVa do not need maternity clothes, or bigger girls in NoVa just do not get pregnant. I do not know, but I was damn frustrated.) We did find a black skirt that everyone liked. I managed to find a black shirt I could wear with it (once I got home). My grandmother sort of wanted me to have something long sleeved, so it would be more formal. I am thinking more comfort. It is likely going to be warm next weekend, and I am pregnant. I am warm-natured right now. I am not going to want to wear a jacket or a sweater when it is hot. Just not gonna happen. Deal with it.

My mother and father are at Smith.mountain.lake for a few days. My mom wanted to get out of her normal environment and get back to nature. Hopefully this will help. They are staying in a cabin at the state park. Apparently, the cabins are really nice. They seem to be enjoying themselves, at any rate.

Unfortunately, I am back to work tomorrow. I wish I did not have to go, but I really ought to. I have a vacation coming up I need to save PTO for. There is also this baby coming. I really ought to save PTO for some leave time. Still wish I did not have to go back to work.

The Inevitable.

My dad just called me. (Yes, at 5:30 AM! I was up anyway, getting ready for work.) My grandfather has passed away. I suspect he held on just long enough to die at home. I hope it was peaceful for him.

Want to hide.

Crappy day at work today, and I am totally wiped out. After days like that, I really wish I could drink. Sigh. But maybe I will have a dove bar later. Small consolation, though.

My grandfather did make it home with hospice care. The hospice nurses place him in the later stages of dying. He is not really responsive, and his breathing is slow and raspy. My mother decided to stay up at my grandparents for the duration. Apparently my grandmother is doing better than she thought. My dad and my sister are going up to visit my grandparents tomorrow. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to go up this weekend. I guess I will see what the next couple of days bring.

Thank you all for keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all the nice comments and support. It means a lot.

Sigh.

My mother called tonight. Apparently my grandfather does not have a lot of time left. My mother told me the hospice nurse said that he may not even be able to make it home. How true that is remains to be seen. My mother has a tendency to exaggerate. Though my grandmother did deny the situation for so long that it could be true. My grandfather is not doing well at all. Hospice is setting up a bed at my grandparent's house for him, should he be able to make it home. And I hope he does get home, at least to die.

My mother is going up to Reston tomorrow. By herself. I think it is great that she is going up there to be with him and my grandmother. My grandmother is going crazy at the thought of losing my grandfather. She has not been without my grandfather is several decades. No wonder my grandmother is going a little nuts.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a tough situation all around. And I am stuck here because I have to work. On the other side of the state.

LIfe and Death

I finally have my computer back. And I have a working m key and punctuation. Actually, an entire new keyboard on my laptop. It is a beautiful thing. Hubby and I are much more comfortable as a two computer family. I can blog and Hubby can surf his own internets. We are much happier, and I will hopefully be more productive on my blog. We will see. I have a lot of 10 hour shifts the rest of this block, and they wear me out.

My 20 week anatomy ultrasound was this morning. I seem to have a healthy baby. And it is a boy! Clear as day. We got a great shot from the rear end, and the boy parts were clear as day. Will post pics later this week. (Likely on the weekend, so just be patient.) Hubby took the afternoon off because he knew he would not be able to concentrate. He is excited about having a boy. Well, I think he is excited to have a healthy baby, but he was just bursting to tell everyone the news. My family is all excited. This is my parent's first grandchild. My dad is really excited about the boy. I have no male siblings, so my dad will likely want to do all the boy things he missed out on. I think MIL was hoping for a girl. She already has several grandsons. She is still happy for us, though. She gets another grandchild.

I finally talked to my grandmother today, too. She is happy for us, but she is busy caring for my grandfather as he dies. She is very excited about the baby. I think she uses as a distraction. My grandfather has been very sick. In pain, and vomiting constantly. It does not look good. I heard from my mother that she finally is looking into hospice. I think this may actually be true. Apparently, they are going home tomorrow. She mentioned converting an alcove in their bedroom to make space for a hospital bed. I hope this means that my grandfather will be able to die at home.

Talking to my grandmother today made me think about how cyclical life is. I am not sure how I want to say this. I am losing my grandfather, but we are gaining the next generation of the family. A loss and a gain. Happening at the same time. Maybe they will cancel each other out a little, but there will still be grieving for the loss of a family member. And there will also be happiness about the new life. My family may feel pulled in two different directions as they mourn the loss of my grandfather, and welcome a new life. Definitely a bittersweet feeling. I may blog more on this as my thoughts come together.

Sunny day, with a few clouds.

I survived the week. Again. Thank goodness. And I got paid on Friday. Even better! And I now have enough PTO to take a vacation in September. That is the best!

It is a sunny day today, though it is humid and slightly overcast. I think that sort of describes how I feel right now. Things seem to be going well, with everything, really. Though there is a dark cloud on the horizon.

My job is still there. No talk of firing me. The only counseling I got recently was for 4 attendance occurrences so far this year. Personally, I think that is pretty good, considering I went through at least 1 IUI, and one IVF cycle. I could have been out a lot more.

Things also seem to be going well with the pregnancy. I feel more confident about it every week. My next ultrasound is Monday, and I am really exited to get another look at the little one. I am more comfortable being open about being pregnant. Most people at work know that I am pregnant, so they watch out for me as much as possible. That is really nice. I rented a doppler so that Hubby and I could listen to the heartbeat whenever we want. That is probably one of the best things I did. It is very reassuring for us when we hear the baby's heartbeat. Also, I finally broke down and went to a Mother.hood store. My shape is just getting too round. The salesperson in the store knew immediately that I needed clothes. It was obvious that I was pregnant, and I think my shirt fit funny. I discovered I love Mother.hood. Finally, maternity clothes which look nice, and I can wear out with my husband! I think I will be back there again as it gets cooler!

We finally started clearing out our basement! Hubby put up storage shelving, and I unpacked a few boxes. Well, I mainly unpacked my china. I like having it easily accessible, if I need it. It also motivated us to purge, some. I got rid of a few things. Though I really tried to purge before we moved. There is still more work to do down there, but at least we got started!

My computer is ready to be picked up, and I will likely pick it up on Monday. I am very excited to have my own computer back. No more computer sharing!

Our dogs are being really obnoxious right now. We suspect there is a female in heat somewhere in our neighborhood. Oscar has been very fixated on Gertrude. (Remember that Oscar is intact, and Gertrude has no girly parts, and has never gone into heat.) Oscar has been following Gertrude around and licking her rear end. He has also attempted to mount her, though not very forcefully. (Thank goodness for small favors!) Mostly he puts his head on her back and humps the air. Gertrude will snap at him if he gets on her nerves.

We tried putting vick's vapor rub on his nose, but he just licks it off and goes back to pursuing Gertrude. I tried putting the vick's on Gertrude, but that does not seem to curb the behavior, either. I hope it is passing. He did fine on our walk today, and is more willing to leave Gertrude alone. Keep fingers crossed that it will pass soon. I want our mellow boy back!

The only really dark cloud is my grandfather. He is now on a PCU (a monitored unit), not the med-surg floor he is usually admitted to. I suspect his liver and kidney issues are getting more serious. At the moment, I do not have a lot of info other than he is admitted to the PCU. And that does not sound good.

But at least I have a distraction tonight! My favorite band is at my favorite bar, and I am meeting a great friend. Should be a good evening! (Even if I cannot drink. Sigh.)

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Good:

It has been a wonderfully pleasant weekend. I went to a Salem Red.sox baseball game with my parents last night. It was great. It was really nice talking with my mother and getting caught up on stuff. The best part of the weekend is that I was not called in today. I have not moved much off the couch today. It has been very relaxing.

The Bad and the Ugly:

My grandfather is back in the hospital. I am not sure if I posted on this, yet. He apparently has a blockage in his liver which cannot be unblocked. The pieces of information I get seem to indicate that the blockage may be somewhere between the liver and the duodenum. This could be the reason for the liver problems, and the fact that he still has a g-tube to maintain nutrition. Apparently his kidneys do not look really good, either. The heavy duty antibiotics and the parenteral nutrition have taken their toll. In general, he sounds pretty miserable. He is apparently going home on morphine. My grandmother and my aunt maintain that he wants to fight until the end. Just what they are fighting at this point is beyond me.

It is difficult for me to get a clear picture of what is going on. I am geographically and emotionally distanced from the situation. The info I get is usually secondhand from either one of two sources. Info is either from from my aunt, who is so close to the situation that she is not thinking clearly or logically. Or my mother, who occasionally goes up to visit, but is trying to keep some distance so she does not go completely crazy. My mother is not really clear about what is going on, probably because it upsets her too much to understand it. My mother does not do well with hospitals and health care in general. I cannot say that I blame her for trying to stay away from it.

Grief can make families crazy. As a nurse, I see this on a regular basis. My family is no exception. Grief can bring all the dysfunction to the surface and drive people apart. Right now, my aunt and my grandmother are so focused on keeping my grandfather alive that they do not think about other family member's needs. They have asked my mother to move in for a while and help with my grandfather's care. My mother is unable emotionally to do this. Apparently this is unacceptable to my aunt and my grandmother, both of whom have come down very hard on my mother. I think this is very hard on my mother, as she is grieving the potential loss in her own way. I wish I could make it better, but I doubt there is a lot I can do.