Hopeless at Easter.

We had a low key Easter over here.  My parents had to go out of town, and we had no set plans.  It was lovely.  The weather was perfect, and it was just a wonderful day for a happy Easter celebration.  I went to church.  We grilled burgers for lunch, and then watched the Little Guy run around the yard.  He had a great time pushing his new dump truck around.

Easter is about hope.  It is about being saved at the last minute when you think the world will end.  It happens in the spring, which is the perfect time to celebrate life. 

I used to love Easter.  It is such a happy and joyous holiday.  It usually fell somewhere around my birthday, so I was usually happy to have the excuse to continue a celebration just a little longer.

And then I had the infertility diagnosis.  After a few years of nothing, hope was hard to come by.  I did not want to celebrate life.  There was no hope for us, or so it seemed.  Many churches focus on children during their celebrations.  That was hard for someone who was unable to have children.  I stopped going to church on Easter.  I was to hard to be surrounded by all those children, knowing I would likely never have one of my own.

Then we got to do IVF, and I got pregnant.  Maybe it was kismet that my retrieval and transfer occurred in April.  Right before Easter, and its celebration of life.  I did not celebrate Easter that year, either.  I was busy trying to reconcile the fact that I was actually pregnant.  I had given up hope that it would ever happen, and then there it is.

The next year, I was too busy with the baby to really give Easter much thought other than the fact that it was the baby's first Easter.  We got dressed up and went to church, but I do not think I registered very much.  Little Guy was only 3 months old at the time.  Sleep deprivation will do that to you.

This year, I actually sort of celebrated.  I went to church, we did an Easter basket for the Little Guy.  (Well, Easter dump truck, anyway.)  I actually had time to think about how I felt.

It does not feel the same. 

 It does not hurt as it did when I was in the throes of infertility.  I can tolerate the children, as I have one myself.  And I can get into the spirit of the joyfulness of the occasion.

But I remember.  All the talk about hope and being saved at the last minute by a miracle fell sort of flat to me. 

Hope is such a double edged sword.  You need it to get through the dark times, but it can cause so much pain.  Especially when you keep hoping and no one comes to save you, or help you.  Hope can hurt, and it can cut deep.  So many of us going through infertility have lost hope, or know that there is no hope. 

Usually we hope that we are part of the small percentage of people who a particular procedure works for.  When we did our IUIs, our chances of success were between 5-15%.  That was higher than what it was when we were on our own, but still not very high.  I stopped hoping with the IUIs.  There was no way that we would be the lucky ones.  We never are.  So what is the point of hoping?  It was better for me to plan on a negative outcome and protect my heart.  IVF was the only way we would ever be on the same playing field as fertile people.  That at least gave us around a 50% chance of working.  I would hope with that.  50% seems like a better gamble to me.

So given my history, and how long I had to deal with infertility and lost hope, all the talk about hoping for a miracle did not resonate for me.  I always had to make my own damn miracle, and I just know that there is no one coming to save me, so I have to do it myself.  Hope can come back when we are doing our FETs for the next little one.  Until then, I know that there will be nothing.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

Little Guy does not seem to want a nap this morning, despite the fact he likely needs it.  He has been in his crib for about 20 minutes now, and he is chattering to himself.  We have a sinus infection, and we are on antibiotics.  I think he could use a least a little nap.  But it may not happen this morning.

Nap times seem to be a challenge these days.  Not sure why.  I guess it is just where he is right now.

I got a color nook for my birthday.  That thing is so cool!  The kids books look great, I can get a nook app for my driod, so I can read where ever I have my phone.  It even has a browser, and social networking apps, so I can share what I am reading on twit.ter or FB.  I have not played with everything, yet.  But I am working my way through it.  I will sit down to read, and then get distracted by some function on the nook.  It uses the driod OS, and the same technology as the ipad, so it works well, and looks great.  Now I just need to get a cover for it.

Feeling better this week.  Hopefully this will stick around.  I do not think I could take being sick again.

I probably ought to get back to recording my food on WW.  Sigh.  It was really nice not to have to do that for a while.  I will definitely keep jogging, as that seems to be working for me.  I am not going to weigh myself this week, as it will probably be depressing.

I have added more jogging to my work out.  I now jog 2 laps around the track at the gym, and then walk one lap.  Not too bad.  I think I am dong about 1.25 miles per workout.  It is a start, I think. 

The weather makes me want to get a jogging stroller and jog outside.  Though I do not know if Little Guy would tolerate that.  He is all about movement these days.  That is the nice thing about the gym.  He can play while I work out.  I think right now, I am going to keep doing what works.

Rainy Saturday

And it is rainy today.  Most of us are moving slow. 

Yesterday Little Guy had several episodes of vomiting, and so I took him to the pediatrician.  Turns out he has a sinus infection.  We finally picked up the antibiotic this morning and plan on starting it a lunch time today.  We also kept him home from swim class this morning.  We figured that getting wet on a cool and rainy day would not help him feel any better.

The best part is that Little guy slept until 7:30 this morning!  I was stunned!  Cannot say I feel very refreshed, though.  Still feel tired and a little queasy.  Not sure what is going on.  Trying to stay hydrated and resting as much as I can.

My birthday diner last night was a Frankie Rowland's.  It is a fancy steak place in downtown.  The steak was amazing, and the wine was fantastic.  I had a California red zinfandel, and then an Italian red Zinfandel.  I realized that I drink a lot of American and Aussie wines because they are better to drink alone.  You really need to drink European wines with meals.  The Italian wine was great, but it was a lot earthier than the California wine, which was very clean and easy to drink.  (If you could not tell, I am a bit of a wine snob.) 

It was fun going out last night.  It had been a while since I had gotten dressed up and gone out to a fancy restaurant.  The best part was:  no children!  It was lovely to have an entirely adult evening.

Sort of nice to have a lazy Saturday.  Better get back to it!

No go.

I wanted to do a post on how cool it is that two years ago around this time, I had the retrieval which led to Little Guy.  I think he was the best birthday present one could wish for.

But it appears that I will not be able to have much "me" time this birthday.  Our weekend is rather busy, and all I wanted was to go out to dinner Saturday night.  Unfortunately, all of our sitters are busy on Saturday, and my parents are out of town.  Which means no date night for us.  Plan B is taking Little Guy to the Transportation Museum then take out from somewhere and a movie after Little Guy goes to bed.  (I am thinking Toy Story 3 from Net.flicks.)

I may try one more person, but I am not holding out a lot of hope for that to work out.  But it is worth a shot anyway.

That makes me feel really bummed out.  The one thing I wanted to be able to do for my birthday, and it is just not possible.

Sigh.

Update:  Tonight worked out for a date night!  I am going to take it, especially if that is all I can get!

Touchy-feely Tuesday

I got a morning with the baby today.  I sort of enjoyed it, so far.  My mother, who is still sick, decided to try taking him after lunch.  Today I only teach in the afternoon, so she only needs to watch him a couple of hours.  I think he will be a daycare on Thursday, though.

I tried taking the baby with me to Tar.get today.  I think it was the fastest Tar.get trip I have ever had.  He had no patience with being carried or wheeled around the store.  He wanted to push the cart and wander up and down the aisles.  Forget about going down the toy aisle.  He kept wanting to take everything off the shelves and play with it.  Sigh.  So much for that.  On the bright side, he went right down for a nap as soon as I got home.  Really not looking forward to that morning nap disappearing.

When I got home from the store, our Dane Gertrude was not on the couch.  I found her under the bed, and eventually discovered she was tangled in the cords from our lamps and clocks.  She came out after I untangled her, so I know she is not hurt.  It was a little distressing when she was whining, and would not come out from under the bed.   Not to worry, she is back to holding down the couch, so all is well.

My body is going crazy.  I have been spotting since Saturday.  It is about to drive me nuts.  I just wish it would stop or turn into full flow.  Make a decision, already!  This spotting crap is not fun.

Have not POAS yet.  I am giving it into next week.  Hopefully it will do something before then, and I will know something without seeing that negative pregnancy test.  Because I know that it is going to be negative.

Decided to take a break from WW this week.  It is my birthday week.  My birthday is Sunday, and I deserve to do something to celebrate it this week.   This way I do not have to count the birthday cake or birthday dinner.  Though I made the mistake of getting on the scale today.  I gained a few pounds, though I am guessing it is because I have not been drinking enough water.  Really need to work on that.

Had my eval at work yesterday.  Actually went well.  I seem to be doing everything well, or better than well.  I also had to set goals for the next year.  I decided that orienting to periphery (admitting and discharging patients) and PACU (recovering patients after surgery) would be good goals.  This job seems to be very similar to my first OR position, where I had to do everything from preop, to PACU.  At least I will not be bored.  I just hope I end up in OR or PACU most of the time.  Though periphery usually needs the most help.

Off to make the most of the nap time.  Gotta clean the kitchen and set up pork chops or dinner.

Purging

Our fridge conked out on us this past weekend.  Which meant that I had to get rid of a lot of stuff that was just hanging around in our fridge.  I threw away a lot of old food.  Stuff which probably should have been thrown out a while ago. 

One thing which should have been thrown out a while ago is the folli.stim I had left over from our IVF cycle.  I thought about giving it away, but never seemed to get around to it, and then it expired in February.  There was really no reason to keep it.

But I did keep it.

Not sure why I I kept the medication.  I guess it is the same reason I have not been able to throw out my sharps containers.  (And I work in health care.  All I have to do it bring it to work to dispose of it.)

I think it is a reminder to me.

A reminder of how hard we worked to have our son.  A reminder of where I have been, and where I will have to go to have another child.  We spent so long in the land of IF that I think it became part of who I am.  I see myself as infertile, even though I have had a child. 

It is a reminder of a time in my life when I struggled with the idea that I would ever be a mother.  When I struggled with the idea that our family would ever expand beyond Hubby and me.

I think I do not want to forget about that time in my life.  Seeing those medication boxes in the door of the fridge brought a little of it back to me.

Throwing away those boxes with their vials of medications pulled at my heart a little.  Those drugs helped to bring my son into being.  Those drugs helped me to become a mother.  They were a reminder of where I have been, and where I left a part of my heart. 

Touchy-feely Tuesday: Actually done on a Tuesday!

Only because I think the entire family is sick.  My mother is so sick, she needed to just take a couple weeks to recover.  So baby is in day care today, and I get a quiet morning.  It is lovely to have time alone in the house without the baby.  I do not get that very often.

Baby is still waking several times a night, and only mommy will do, apparently.  I guess that is what he is used to, but it is really rough on me.  He is waking about three times per night, and I have to go to him every time.  We tried letting him cry, but that does not seem to work all the time.  He only gets more wound up.

I think I am starting to get a little depressed with how sleep-deprived I am.  I hope that working out will help to counter-act some of that.  I know that my thought processes have sucked lately, but there is not much I can do.  He is teething, and apparently in a fussy period after a mental leap.  Perfect conditions for sucky sleep, apparently.  I am trying to ride it out, but it is not easy. Really hoping that this passes soon, and everyone can get better sleep.

Still have a mild cold.  It just will not go away.  I hope that it passes soon, too.  I suspect the sleep deprivation is not helping.  It would be nice to feel better by my birthday later this month.  Unfortunately, the sleep deprivation and mild cold are starting to feel like my new normal.  Not really liking it, to be honest.

I have started taking vitamins.  I got a women's multivitamin, and I am taking vitamin C.  Decided not to do the zinc, though.  Just did not have the energy to track down any.  If it is not easily seen in my regular stores, at this point I say forget it.  I did decide to try a B complex vitamin.  It could not hurt, anyway.  No sense of any difference, but I did start a couple of days ago.  Hopefully I will notice a difference over a longer period of time.

I have my cardiologist appointment this afternoon.  It is scheduled for after my class.  I may cut my class a few minutes short, so that I can get there on time.  We will see.  I will report later on what he says, but I doubt it will be anything earth shaking.  I just really do not think there is much they will do for random incidents of SVT.  But I bet I get a 12 lead EKG today.  I also bet it shows a normal sinus rhythm.  Maybe slightly tachycardic.

So excited about DVR.  We (read I) started taping Dancing with the Stars.  I sort of enjoy watching it, and Hubby does not mind too much, as there are scantily clad females of all different body types.  (He is an equal opportunity type of guy.)  The nice thing is that I can actually watch the entire thing, not just pieces here and there.  It is also light enough for me during the week, and it is fairly entertaining.  I have not finished watching last night's episode.  I plan on finishing that up tonight.  I will probably do the results show tomorrow.

Off to the gym, and then to walk the dogs before I leave for school.  Hopefully working out will give me the energy to get through the day.

Working out

I need to work some things out, so this may ramble a little.

This past couple of weeks I have not been able to get to the gym, I have not been able to walk the dogs as often as I wanted.  Both of these activities are stress relievers and help keep me from going crazy, so they ought to be made a priority.

Part of the problem was all the damn appointments I had to get to.  Plastic surgeon, eye doctor, PCP, hairdresser.  I have more coming up in April, but they are spaced out a little better.  I only have one in any given week.  Those appointments took up my free time.  I think I can really only make one appointment per week without losing my mind.

Another part of the problem is I feel like I have been constantly sick since about the middle of February.  That is really getting me down.  I have a mild cold right now, which is only marginally better than the cold from hell I had a few weeks ago.  Then my period gets thrown in there every few weeks. Just to make me feel even more miserable.  It seems like I get a few days of feeling normal and well, and then I get sick again.  Or I get my period.  I am really tired of it.  I just want to feel well for while.  Apparently that is too much to ask right now.

And then there is the sleep deprivation.  Little guy's sleep has been all over the board.  Most nights waking twice, a few nights waking once, and a couple of really bad nights waking every three hours.  (Though there was that one glorious night where he did not wake up once.  Really hoping for a repeat of that sometime soon.)  And then he is awake and ready to go at about 6 AM every morning.  Which means that I am up at 5 AM or 6 AM every day.  I think I need a regular day to sleep in.  I am thinking Sunday.  I just want one day to stay in bed past 6 AM, even if it is only until 7 AM.

To walk the dogs, I think I need a better carrier.  While I like my becco, lately I have not been as coordinated as I need to be to get it on and then get him on my back.  I am thinking of getting a different carrier, one that I can pop him in and go.  Like the kokopax, or this chicco carrier.  I think I like to kokopax design a little better, as it looks a little cuter. 

I may try walking the dogs in the morning.  I have a bit more time in the morning, and it seems more do-able then.  In the afternoon and early evenings there is a lot of baby and human care to do. Dog walking is not getting done in the afternoons.  Hopefully mornings will be better.   We will try it and see.

I need to work out more often.  I think I need to go every day I can.  Which has not been possible at all the past two weeks.  Most weeks I have free time Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, and usually Sunday.  It means running over consecutive days, but if that is the only time I have, then that is when I have to do it.  Because I need to do it!  I need to either work out at the gym or on the treadmill at home.  One or the other.

It may also be time to start taking some sort of vitamin.  I cannot hurt, and hopefully will help.  Apparently I need an immune defense supplement, because I seem to get sick a lot.  If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them.  At this point, I am thinking a multivitamin, along with vitamin C and zinc.  I know that vitamin c and zinc can help the immune system function.

So here are the three goals I have for the week.

1. Work out on Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
2. Walk dogs in the morning Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
3. Start taking vitamins:  multivitamin, vitamin C and zinc.

Three goals are enough, I think.  I think they are also easily measurable and achievable.  Hopefully if I can work out more often I will have more energy and generally feel better.  Walking the dogs more often will make them happier and more laid back.  It will probably help me de-stress, too.  I think it is worth a try.