A slight lack of sleep has affected me. I definitely have baby brain, and I sort of feel like I have been hit by a truck. Everything is changing, and little of it is within my control. This is really scary for me.
So far, the breastfeeding has been going well, except for fits of gasiness. I talked to the lactation consultant, and she gave me some things to do. She suspects the gas is due to an oversupply of foremilk. Little A is gulping the foremilk and swallowing a lot of air. She told me to change positions and lean way back or use the football hold when I breastfeed so that he has to work against gravity to swallow. If he pulls back, give him a chance to catch his breath, and then put him back on the same breast. She also said that I should only nurse one breast at a feeding, so that he is more likely to get the hindmilk that he needs. I may need to break out my pump soon so that I do not feel so lopsided. At the moment, I am living with it. It does not seem so bad.
I think I also have a touch of post partum depression. I cannot drive, I have a baby to take care of, and I feel like I am at the mercy of people who do not listen to me, or understand me. Or maybe I am just not communicating very well right now. My mother has been spending time with me as I learn how to mother, and recover from surgery. It has been wonderful having her around, as I am not sure of myself yet. But there are times when I feel like she just does not understand where I am, or how I want to do things. Or maybe I am just being post-partumish and only see what I want to see right now. I do not know. I do things much differently than she does, and it is an adjustment for me to be so dependent on someone else. I want to do things myself. I want my life back. I want to be able to go to the store and get the things I need to take care of myself and my baby. I also think I am mourning what my life used to be. I think I have a right to mourn that life. It was a good life, and life with the baby will be good, too. I just need to adjust to it.
I must say that despite all the depressing and frustrating stuff, I love the little guy to pieces. He is so cute, and I think I could stare at him for hours. Though I suspect that my husband is more besotted with him than I am. I love seeing my husband interact with little A. It is obvious Hubby loves his son. My son is extremely precious to me, and I do not have the words right now to express how much I love him. Both of us are head over heels in love with the baby.
I guess things are normal, or at least as normal as they can be right now. I know this will pass, and things will get better soon. I just need to hang in there.