A slight lack of sleep has affected me. I definitely have baby brain, and I sort of feel like I have been hit by a truck. Everything is changing, and little of it is within my control. This is really scary for me.
So far, the breastfeeding has been going well, except for fits of gasiness. I talked to the lactation consultant, and she gave me some things to do. She suspects the gas is due to an oversupply of foremilk. Little A is gulping the foremilk and swallowing a lot of air. She told me to change positions and lean way back or use the football hold when I breastfeed so that he has to work against gravity to swallow. If he pulls back, give him a chance to catch his breath, and then put him back on the same breast. She also said that I should only nurse one breast at a feeding, so that he is more likely to get the hindmilk that he needs. I may need to break out my pump soon so that I do not feel so lopsided. At the moment, I am living with it. It does not seem so bad.
I think I also have a touch of post partum depression. I cannot drive, I have a baby to take care of, and I feel like I am at the mercy of people who do not listen to me, or understand me. Or maybe I am just not communicating very well right now. My mother has been spending time with me as I learn how to mother, and recover from surgery. It has been wonderful having her around, as I am not sure of myself yet. But there are times when I feel like she just does not understand where I am, or how I want to do things. Or maybe I am just being post-partumish and only see what I want to see right now. I do not know. I do things much differently than she does, and it is an adjustment for me to be so dependent on someone else. I want to do things myself. I want my life back. I want to be able to go to the store and get the things I need to take care of myself and my baby. I also think I am mourning what my life used to be. I think I have a right to mourn that life. It was a good life, and life with the baby will be good, too. I just need to adjust to it.
I must say that despite all the depressing and frustrating stuff, I love the little guy to pieces. He is so cute, and I think I could stare at him for hours. Though I suspect that my husband is more besotted with him than I am. I love seeing my husband interact with little A. It is obvious Hubby loves his son. My son is extremely precious to me, and I do not have the words right now to express how much I love him. Both of us are head over heels in love with the baby.
I guess things are normal, or at least as normal as they can be right now. I know this will pass, and things will get better soon. I just need to hang in there.
6 comments:
I felt the same way after Pookah was born. I had a c section and since it was so cold, I was stuck in the house for weeks. I had to depend on my mother and husband for EVERYTHING, and could barely think rationally because of the lack of sleep. I cried several times a day for weeks. Anything and everything set me off. I look back on it now, and chalk it up to hormones, lack of sleep and just being unsure of myself as a new mom. I too had to assert myself with my mom. She was a great mom to me, but there are a few things that I want to do different. But in my state of mind at the time, that was hard. Don't worry, things get better. It's like that song..."I can see clearly now, the rain is gone....."
Give yourself a little time for the hormones to even out. The first 10 days or so were a little rough for me, but emotionally it got so much better after that. Be kind to yourself as you work through it all.
Even without a new baby and post-partum hormones in the mix, it's hard to deal with someone doing stuff differently in your house.
((Hugs))
Give it time...the first few weeks were hard for me too...once your hormones even out a bit it gets better.
I had the baby blues (and if it doesn't get worse and passes, that may be what you're facing) and raged about how EVERYTHING had changed for me, but very little for everyone else. The C-sec recovery just makes it all the more difficult. But lack of sleep and hormones and the joys and trials of newborn care add up to deep, dark moments sometimes. Is there anyone else besides Mom who can come over and cheer you up? Hold the baby while you shower for a bit? Take you and baby out for a little walk or trip to Target or a coffee place or whatever? Just get, by any means necessary, something nice that YOU like. Even if it's just 15 minutes alone in the bathroom...
It DOES get better. I swear. This is not sunshine being blown up your ass. Sleep gets WAAAAY better. The crazy bfeeding hormones stabilize. The baby gets a rhythm.
My midwife gave me sage advice: try to get 15-30 minutes a day or so to do something for yourself. Just for you. On your own, if you like. It really helped.
Hang in there! Huge hugs to you and your little one!
You are right - things are as normal as they can be for this period of time. I would get so frustrated at people who would tell me to just 'hang in there and things will get better.' I knew it was true but no one told me what to do in the meantime!
I was so ready to be a mom I wasn't quite prepared to be as sad as I was to see the old me go. It was wonderful to be home with my baby but still a very strange time.
Hang in there . . . :-)
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