Why does this have to be so hard?

I apologize in advance, but this is not likely to be a coherent post.

I am so used to this, I think this is pitiful. I think I expected to get my period this cycle. I knew it would happen, but stupid hope comes along and messes with my head. Now I get to drag out the Midol and fem hygiene supplies. At least I can stay home until tonight. At least I did not need to PAOS and see the blank white negative. There is a small silver lining.

Right now it all feels hopeless. It feels like it will never happen to me. Every time I get my period I feel like it is a rejection. The waiting was torture this time because there was a possibility of something happening. Now my hope is gone. Apparently I will never get a miracle. This just makes me not want to do Christmas at all. What is the point? I do not believe in miracles, anyway. And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Apparently I am not meant to get a miracle. It makes it really hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

I really hate that I have no control over what happens. I really want one of these cycles to work. I wish there was something I could do to ensure success. Success is dependent on so many factors. There is no one thing we can point to which is preventing us from getting pregnant.

Hubby wants to do at least one more cycle of IUI with his sperm. We are not going to do anything this cycle, though. We are going to wait until the new year to do anything. Then we will try again. Hubby really took our failure to conceive hard. I just cannot do a lot to support him right now. I am dealing with my own feelings, not to mention the menstrual symptoms.

I am spending the day getting caught up on house stuff. I had errands to run this morning, and this afternoon I need to clean the house. It is a wreck, and I know I will not want to deal with it this weekend. Hubby will not want to do anything this weekend, either. I really need to rest because I work a night shift tonight, but if I do not do the house stuff it does not get done. I wanted to play in my sewing room today, but because of the chores I need to do, that will not be possible. Sigh. No rest for the weary, I guess.