Touchy-Feely, um...Thursday

Better late than never, right.

I have spent the morning following the baby around and shouting no at him, for various reasons.  He would not take a nap earlier this morning, despite two attempts.  This has not been helpful, as I am trying to get stuff ready to go, and I wanted him to be almost done with his nap by now.  Not that he appears to be going down for a nap, anyway.  At the moment he is in his crib talking to himself.

I found a mother's group I am thinking about joining.  I may try an activity with them on Friday.  We will see how it goes.

Dinner will have to be something other than what I planned.  I realized that I do not have all the ingredients for a pork roast, so we will have to have something else.  I will figure something out.

Because of all the baby frustration, I could not get to the gym this morning.  I am a little annoyed, but I may try to go later this afternoon.  The benefit is that I can charge my i.pod, so I can have music.

I get to have lunch with a girlfriend today.  I am very excited.  It has been a while since I have done something girly.  So fun.

I need turn in some paperwork, and return my keys to the community college today.  Maybe that is part of the reason I am a little grumpy.  I will likely feel better after that task is complete.  Then I have to pack away my papers and stuff.

I think we finally got a nap, as I hear no more chattering.  Much to my frustration.  This is totally the wrong time!  An hour earlier would have been much better, because now we will be off schedule.  Sigh.  There are days when I feel like I cannot win.

Kismet.

I was looking forward to this summer because I do not have to teach, and I can spend more time with the Little Guy.  I was also thinking of trying to attend some mother-y type of things with my Little Guy, as I had more time during the week.

That got me thinking about how I could really drop the teaching gig.  I do not need it, and it was causing me more stress than I really needed.  I was planning on emailing the department head today.

But when I checked my email, I found an email from the department head that he would not be needing me next year.  The message said it was because of "student retention and other issues."  I choose to believe that it is due to budget reasons.  They hired a couple of new full time instructors, and they do not need as many adjuncts.  I was probably one of the most expendable instructors, so I was let go.  I get the feeling that adjunct faculty gig may not be all that dependable, unless you have been doing it for several years and can teach more than one class and have any schedule.

Rejection always stings, so I am giving myself today to sulk for a bit about it.  But it could not have come at a better time.  I can spend more time with my Little Guy, and try to get him out more.  Maybe I will pick up another day in the OR.  Maybe I will look into a mother's group to connect with other mothers.  I think I have been a little too isolated and it would be good to get out more.

I am giving myself the summer to figure it out. 

Marriage counseling went all right last night.  We have some things we can try, and it does not appear that our problems are too serious.  Hopefully the suggestions work for us.  Keeping fingers crossed.

Happy Monday.

Sigh.

There are times when I hate Mondays.  It just felt like the entire day was a bit off.

It was not a bad day, overall.  Just off.

Spent my work day learning how to circulate cataract surgery.  I had a nice surgeon who was great to work with.  It probably helped that I had a little bit of a clue.  I think I sort of got complimented on my circulating abilities by a scrub tech.  She said that she rarely has to ask for stuff with me, that I just offer it to her.  (It helps that I know how to scrub and circulate, so I can see where we are in the procedure and look at her table, and see what she needs.)

I got of work a little early, and got to get caught up with reading blogs, and then walked the dogs before I went to pick up the baby.

Baby got to sleep before 7 PM this evening, as we suspect that day care wears the little guy out.  Then Hubby and I had dinner.

But there were two underlying situations that I was dealing with today. 

My foot is killing me.  I hit it on a chair last week, and it has not been the same since.  I still have a small bruise, and a lump over a couple of my toes.  Basically, I worked on my feet all day in pain.  I think that would bring anyone down. 

The other thing hanging over my head is the fact that we start marriage counseling tonight.  For some reason, I am sort of nervous, and I sort of feel like a failure.  Logically, I know that this is not a failure, and likely a sign that we have a healthy relationship if both of us are willing to do counseling to try to fix what is wrong.  But I still feel like a failure that I cannot fix what is wrong in the relationship.  I guess that is the nurse/fixer in me.

I know I will get through the counseling session tonight.  And tomorrow I will make an appointment to get my poor foot looked at. 

I hate Mondays.

Touchy-feely Tuesday

I still feel lazy.  Now that finals are over, and grades are in, I can indulge in a little bit on laziness.

Still love the nook.  I think reading all those dumb romance novels has helped our sex life.  Hubby told me this weekend that there have been studies done which indicate that women who read romance novels have more of an interest in sex.  I think he really appreciates the no.ok now!

I have been doing terrible with diet and water consumption.  I am thinking of turning to behavior modification to help with this.  If I drink two liters of water per day, and record my food on WW, I will give myself a sticker for completing those tasks.  If I complete these tasks for an entire week, then I will buy a song off i.tunes.  If I do it for a month, I will figure out a bigger reward.  Maybe an entire album off i.tunes?  That needs more thought, obviously.

Hubby and I have been feeling off lately.  It does not feel major, but it still feels like we need help.  I do not know if it is communication issues, stress issues, or if I feel dissatisfied, or what is going on.  We are hopefully going to start marriage counseling soon, and figure out what is going on. 

I think I may try to get involved in a centering prayer group again.  I think I need that.  I find myself getting antsy about the future.  Having another child, moving further toward Blacksburg.  I hate waiting, and that feels like where I am right now.  There are a lot of things I can enjoy right now, and I am not doing that.  I need to be more in the moment and enjoy what I have now, and enjoy the journey.  Right now, the journey is important, not the destination. 

The Inevitable Mother's Day post

I think every infertile is conflicted about Mother's Day.  It does not seem to matter whether they are not yet a parent, or currently parenting after infertility.  We seem to have issues with this holiday.

Growing up, I learned that you always show appreciation for your mother on Mother's day.  You make a card, and/or make a gift which tells your mother how much you appreciate her.  You do special things for mom, like go out to lunch with her, or what ever else she wants to do.  I usually had cards for my mother, my aunt, and both my grandmothers.  They all were worthy of my appreciation, I thought.

Then we had years and years  of infertility, and I avoided Mother's day.  It was too painful to be reminded of a role I may never have.  Celebrating mothers was like salt in a wound.  I started hiding on Mother's Day, and avoiding the entire holiday.

Now that I am a mother of a young child myself, I would like to be shown the appreciation.  But I still am not a big fan of Mother's Day.  It is too much Hall.mark sappy and sweet. 

I want the appreciation, but without all the sappiness.  I often feel under-appreciated and it would be nice to have a day where I would not have to ask for the appreciation I want.  It does not have to be much.  The opportunity to sleep in, something special for breakfast, or the opportunity to eat a meal uninterrupted.  That is all I ask. 

I may skip church because I do not want to be a part of the Mother's Day hoopla that always seems to happen.  I may opt not to go out to eat, because the crowds will be crazy.  Mother's day is still a reminder of the hurt I suffered before I had Little Dude.  There is still the memory of pain which interferes with any celebration I take part in.  Infertility is a part of my life, and I cannot forget about it for a day.

I suspect that I will always have some conflict with Mother's day.  I can only hope that over time, I will become more comfortable with the holiday.

Still here. Really.

Just had a busy week last week and I am still trying to recover.  Or maybe it is the end of semester taking its toll.  All I have left is the final exam and grades.  I just have not felt like doing anything lately.

I have also been addicted to my no.ok.  I have missed reading, I think.  Now I can read anywhere!  I have dumb romance novels for when I am at home, and other stuff for when I am out and about.  (For some reason, I read differently at home and out.)  Currently I am reading a book about what goes on in our heads when we make a decision.  It is pretty interesting.  Apparently the emotion centers of the brain play a larger part of our decision making than we think.  Fascinating stuff.  I may write about when I absorb more of the info.

I am trying to get back into recording my food on WW.  I did record my food yesterday, and I plan on doing today's food after I finish this post. 

Not much else going on around here.  Teething, fighting naps and bedtime.  Still nursing.  Starting to run, climbing on everything.  He is cute as a bug, though I am awful about pics.  Sigh.  Really need to do better about pics.

Anyway, I am still here, just lazy.

Hopeless at Easter.

We had a low key Easter over here.  My parents had to go out of town, and we had no set plans.  It was lovely.  The weather was perfect, and it was just a wonderful day for a happy Easter celebration.  I went to church.  We grilled burgers for lunch, and then watched the Little Guy run around the yard.  He had a great time pushing his new dump truck around.

Easter is about hope.  It is about being saved at the last minute when you think the world will end.  It happens in the spring, which is the perfect time to celebrate life. 

I used to love Easter.  It is such a happy and joyous holiday.  It usually fell somewhere around my birthday, so I was usually happy to have the excuse to continue a celebration just a little longer.

And then I had the infertility diagnosis.  After a few years of nothing, hope was hard to come by.  I did not want to celebrate life.  There was no hope for us, or so it seemed.  Many churches focus on children during their celebrations.  That was hard for someone who was unable to have children.  I stopped going to church on Easter.  I was to hard to be surrounded by all those children, knowing I would likely never have one of my own.

Then we got to do IVF, and I got pregnant.  Maybe it was kismet that my retrieval and transfer occurred in April.  Right before Easter, and its celebration of life.  I did not celebrate Easter that year, either.  I was busy trying to reconcile the fact that I was actually pregnant.  I had given up hope that it would ever happen, and then there it is.

The next year, I was too busy with the baby to really give Easter much thought other than the fact that it was the baby's first Easter.  We got dressed up and went to church, but I do not think I registered very much.  Little Guy was only 3 months old at the time.  Sleep deprivation will do that to you.

This year, I actually sort of celebrated.  I went to church, we did an Easter basket for the Little Guy.  (Well, Easter dump truck, anyway.)  I actually had time to think about how I felt.

It does not feel the same. 

 It does not hurt as it did when I was in the throes of infertility.  I can tolerate the children, as I have one myself.  And I can get into the spirit of the joyfulness of the occasion.

But I remember.  All the talk about hope and being saved at the last minute by a miracle fell sort of flat to me. 

Hope is such a double edged sword.  You need it to get through the dark times, but it can cause so much pain.  Especially when you keep hoping and no one comes to save you, or help you.  Hope can hurt, and it can cut deep.  So many of us going through infertility have lost hope, or know that there is no hope. 

Usually we hope that we are part of the small percentage of people who a particular procedure works for.  When we did our IUIs, our chances of success were between 5-15%.  That was higher than what it was when we were on our own, but still not very high.  I stopped hoping with the IUIs.  There was no way that we would be the lucky ones.  We never are.  So what is the point of hoping?  It was better for me to plan on a negative outcome and protect my heart.  IVF was the only way we would ever be on the same playing field as fertile people.  That at least gave us around a 50% chance of working.  I would hope with that.  50% seems like a better gamble to me.

So given my history, and how long I had to deal with infertility and lost hope, all the talk about hoping for a miracle did not resonate for me.  I always had to make my own damn miracle, and I just know that there is no one coming to save me, so I have to do it myself.  Hope can come back when we are doing our FETs for the next little one.  Until then, I know that there will be nothing.