Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A no good, very bad week.

And it is only Wednesday.

Both the baby and I have the cold from hell.  It was bad enough that I called in to work on today (Wednesday), and took the baby to the doctor in the afternoon.  The ped basically told me that he just has a really bad cold, and there is not much I can do.  (Other than what I am already doing.)  So we know I am already suffering from sleep deprivation.

On top of that, I got my period on Tuesday.  Yes, AF decided she had to show up, too.  Apparently she did not want to miss out on all the good times.

I received a text from Hubby while at the pediatrician's office.  Good friends of ours are expecting again.

We had just talked with this couple over New Year's weekend, and they said they were thinking about trying to conceive.  That did not take long.

That was just the icing on the cake for me.  I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant women and pregnancy announcements.  Having my period right now does not help matters.

So now I feel like crap from lack of sleep and a cold from hell.  On top of that is jealousy and a sense of loss for something I will never have.

After a decade of infertility, male and female factor diagnoses, I am fairly sure that I am not going to conceive naturally.  There is no link for us between sex and procreation.  On one hand that is freeing.  It does not matter what we do or when we do it.  We can have fun.  (Or as much fun as one can have with a toddler in the house.)  On the other, it is sort of sad.  I will never need to temp again.  There is no need to figure out when I ovulate.  There is no point to the 2ww, as conception in the bedroom is not possible.  No point to trying any of that.  I know that we will not be the 1 couple in 5 who conceive after IVF. 

(Though if a miracle occurs, I will not complain!)

All of this makes my uterus feel a little empty at times.  It still feels like a rejection when my period shows up.  I feel jealous of women who get pregnant very easily.  I will never have that, and that makes me a little sad.  I feel a sense of loss for something that I will never experience.  I probably need to acknowledge that loss and work through it.

I know I am not ready to get back on the roller coaster, yet.  But I want to do it again at some point.  I really want a sibling for our Little Guy.  Right now, FET sort of freaks me out.  Little Guy is not weaned, anyway.  So it is not possible now, in any case.

I just want this week to be over.  Hopefully I will make it through.


~Jess said...

*hugs* I hope you're feeling better soon, the little guy too.

I've been having that same empty feeling...I sit here playing with my daughter and I miss her desperately and just grab her and love on her (which she hates lol)...then I realize I'm feeling the lovely things from IF again.

Thinking about you.

Jamie said...

I hope your week is getting better. ((((HUGS))))